Moving Forward

By Bernadeen

Chapter 2

Just after 9:00 the next morning, I answer my phone and hear a voice that sends shivers down my spine and sets my heart pounding in my throat. "Hello, Christine. It's Harm. I'm glad you called."

"I told you I would."

"So have you decided that we can be seen together without causing a scandal?" There's a teasing note in his voice.

"Well, there's no diplomatic protocol covering this situation, but a month seemed reasonable .. "

"I agree. Listen, I'm actually out of the country right now and won't be back until sometime on Thursday. Can we meet for lunch on Saturday?" He seems in a hurry and without waiting for my response, he hurries on. "Do you know a place called Morgan's Cafe .. it's on Berkeley Square not far from the Embassy?"

"Yes, I know it. What time?"

"12:30?"

"Perfect. I'll be there."

"Good." He hesitates before ending the call and says sincerely, "I really am glad you called. See you Saturday." And with that he's gone.

The remainder of the week is a blur, except for scouring my closet and makeup so I can put my best foot forward on Saturday.

Saturday is misty and cold, as many days have been recently. I have chosen warm chocolate brown slacks, a soft rosy pink sweater, and comfortable shoes. London is a difficult city in which to find parking so I decide to take the subway this morning. I drive to work because the Embassy has parking and because Americans have been warned to avoid public transportation due to the terrorism danger. But this is Saturday morning. The subway won't be busy and it seems like an unlikely time for a terrorist attack. I'll take my chances on public transportation. In the U.S. after 9/11, I refused to let concern about possible terrorism change my actions or plans. I believed that if I let fear influence me, then the terrorists won. But in other countries, I am not stupidly defiant. I am vigilant of my surroundings, of possible dangers, but I don't cower in my apartment or behind the locked Embassy gates. And on this Saturday morning, I decide that I'll risk the subway.

I emerge from the underground station and make the short walk to Berkeley Square. About a half block away from Morgan's Café, I step into a store doorway and pull out my mirror. The mist has tightened my naturally curling hair until I resemble Lil Orphan Annie. It's cute, I guess, but doesn't present the poised, professional image I would like. Oh, well. I am who I am, and while I wish I looked like Sharon Stone, I long ago accepted that that won't ever happen. Taking a deep, steadying breath, I continue toward Morgan's Café.

When I'm still a couple of stores away, I see him. He's waiting in front of the café, and he almost looks nervous. I'm not sure whether that thought helps me or makes me even more nervous. No time to dwell on it now. He sees me approaching and smiles .. a delighted, million-watt smile that ought to be registered as a lethal weapon where women are concerned.

As we meet he reaches towards me and I give him both of my hands, which he gives a welcoming squeeze and continues to hold. "I'm glad you came." He says.

"You thought I might not?"

He makes a slight grimace with his mouth. "I didn't know .. shall we go in .. they have a table ready for us."

After we are settled at our table and have placed our order, I ask, "So you were out of the country. Do you travel a lot?"

"Not like I used to when I was at JAG HQ and was always being sent somewhere on investigations. But my command office covers all of Europe. Since May I've visited the bases that I hadn't been to before. Officially I only have to travel to attend to some high profile matter. But I like to get out of London to keep in tune to what's going on elsewhere."

"So was this week high profile or keeping in tune?"

"Mostly keeping in tune, though there was a matter I had to attend to. While I enjoy the challenge of high profile cases, I can't control their timing so the 'keeping in tune' trips fit into Mattie's schedule better."

"Who's Mattie," I ask with a sinking heart.

"Mattie is my ward. She's 16 and is recovering from a plane accident last spring."

"It sounds like there are several stories behind those brief facts. I'd like to hear about Mattie if you want to tell me."

"You're right, there are several stories. First of all, I've only known Mattie for a couple of years. I was out of the Navy for several months .. another long story for another day .. had lost my job flying for the CIA .. most of that's classified so I can't tell you those stories," he adds as my eyes widened with amazement, "and I was looking for work. I ended up doing some crop dusting for Grace Aviation, which Mattie owned and ran. Her mother had been killed in a car accident a few months earlier and her alcoholic father had abandoned her. I helped her out in the business and petitioned the court to become her guardian." He looks away and smiles fondly but sadly. "She was with me about a year. Her father got himself dried out and they reconciled. She went back to live with him, but when the accident happened, Tom fell off the wagon and disappeared. I was awarded permanent custody."

"Is Mattie all right now?"

"She's still doing some rehab, but considering that the doctors thought she would be a quadriplegic, it's a miracle. The neck injury wasn't a break, only severe swelling, and she's expected to regain full motion of her body .. mostly already has."

"I'm so glad. It's such a tragedy when accidents cut short all the things that young people should be able to enjoy. .. so Mattie's your only family here?" I had noticed that he was no longer wearing a wedding ring.

"Yeah. My mother and stepfather live in California, but they're always traveling. They're likely to stop by London one of these days. I have a half-brother in Russia. I've only met his wife once."

"There's a story to having a brother in Russia, I bet."

He smiles in acknowledgement. "My father was also a Naval aviator .. went MIA on Christmas eve, 1969, during the Vietnam War. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to find out what happened to him. I even ran away the summer I was 16 and went to Southeast Asia to try to track down records. Just a few years ago, I found out he had been a POW and was taken to Russia .. Siberia .. in the early 80's. He escaped, fathered a child, and then was killed by Russian soldiers defending this woman. I met my brother in Chechnya when he was flying helicopters in the Russian army."

"Wow. Sounds like flying is in the genes."

Harm grins. "It must be. My grandfather was also a Naval aviator. He was killed in World War II. But I guess it doesn't have to be a blood connection. Mattie wants to fly, too."

During the conversation, our food has arrived, but Harm has fallen behind eating his because he has been talking. Now he glances at our plates and says, "OK, it's your turn. Do you have family?"

I laugh self-consciously. "My life is going to sound really, really dull to you. I was born in Minnesota. Attended law school in Minneapolis. My parents still live in a small town just south of Minneapolis. I had two brothers. My big brother Bobby was in the Navy and was killed in an accident aboard ship. My little brother Jeffrey also joined the Navy, much to the dismay of my parents. He only stayed in four years, though, and now he's with an engineering firm in Chicago."

"I'm sorry about your brother, Christine," Harm says sincerely. "What ship was he on?"

"The Abraham Lincoln. He loved life on the carrier and he got to see and do a lot during his time in the Navy. Opportunities he would never have had in civilian life. I'm happy for that, but I still miss him."

"The Navy is a good life but it can be rough on families." Harm says wistfully. I'm not sure whether he's thinking about his father or his failed marriage. "So how did you end up in London?"

"I wanted to get out of the Midwest and I was interested in international law. We're a global economy but there are still a lot of legalities that either need to be maintained for protection or should be dismantled because they are barriers to that economy. I wanted to help do that. I got a job with the State Department and ended up working in American Embassies in several countries. London is my latest assignment. I've been here about five months."

As the lunch crowd dwindles, we continue to talk .. about ourselves, about our work. We even got into our career and life goals. I told him I suppose I want a husband and children some day but they aren't high on my list of wants. And I acknowledged that there is a timeclock on whether I have children. When I said that, I saw Harm flinch, as though it was a bad memory for him. I didn't ask about it and he didn't volunteer his thoughts.

He said he wanted to see Mattie in a good college .. the Naval Academy if she chose to follow his footsteps. He might have a chance at Judge Advocate General some day if he stays out of trouble .. this was said with a wry smile and I have the feeling that Harm has not always been able to stay out of trouble in his Navy career. He acknowledged that he wanted a wife and children of his own like most guys, but it wasn't in the cards .. this he said bitterly and I was sure he was referring to his failed marriage. Someday he will tell me about that, I hope, if we grow to be friends, but it's too early yet.

After several hours of enjoyable conversation, we left the café. He said he needed to spend some time with Mattie since he's been gone. I gave him my card with all my phone numbers, and we promised to keep in touch. He even said he'd call and arrange to meet after work one day next week.

And that's the way my friendship with Harmon Rabb began and grew. Over the winter, we saw each other at least once a week, for conversation, for the theatre, to discuss cases .. we found each was a good sounding board on difficult cases to help the other see the facts in a new light. It was clear that he enjoyed my company, and I certainly enjoyed his. Though there was light-hearted teasing, it was platonic, almost brother-sister. I certainly didn't think of him in a brotherly manner, but I was very much afraid that was the only way he would ever see me .. as his little sister. It occurred to me one day that he might be trying to fill my dead older brother's role in my life. I desperately hoped that was not the case, but there was no evidence that our friendship was anything except platonic.

He did tell me about his marriage. Mac .. apparently Sarah MacKenzie preferred to be called that .. and he had worked together for nine years. He admitted that he had loved her for years, but military rules against fraternization kept them apart. He thought he had lost her to other men on at least two occasions. In one case she was ready to be married when Harm's F-14 went down at sea on the eve of her wedding. The wedding never took place, and while Harm tried to get Mac to listen to his declarations of his feelings, she refused. Finally, they became once again colleagues and friends.

Then this past spring when transfers came through for both of them at the same time to locations that were half a world apart, they finally acknowledged that they loved each other. In a particularly candid moment, Harm told me that Mac had never actually said that she loved him. Harm said it seemed stupid in hindsight, but since they couldn't decide who should give up their career for the marriage to work, he suggested letting Fate decide .. in a coin toss. He had won .. though that term was relative, given later events .. and Mac had followed him to London.

Harm acknowledged that the new command for him, Mac's new retirement, their new marriage, and Mattie's medical needs put great strain on the marriage. It only took a couple of months for it to become clear that Mac felt the sacrifice she made was too great. The Marines had turned her life around .. she didn't know how to handle civilian life. She told Harm the reasons for wanting to end the marriage were that she believed she could not control her alcoholism without the Marine Corps and because she couldn't give Harm children. He was better off without her, she told him. As Harm told me this, it is clear he is still bitter and hurt, but he has begun to accept that they shouldn't have expected it to work. If they couldn't work out their relationship in nine years, how could they expect marriage to work? I think he will be all right .. he will not let bitterness rule his life. Whether he will ever try to move on with someone else remains to be seen, but it looks unlikely right now. Sadly for me.

I have met Mattie. It was Christmas and Harm knew I didn't have family in London. I could have used some vacation time to fly back to Minnesota, but one of the reasons I left the Midwest was winter weather. The cold is bitter and snowstorms are frequent. I had no desire to try to fly into and out of Minneapolis during the winter if I could avoid it. I emailed my parents that I would come back for a visit in the spring. I'd stop in Chicago to see Jeff, then fly on to Minneapolis and spend some time there. Minnesota is wonderful in the spring, and I looked forward to the visit.

But that left me alone for Christmas. Harm brought it up tentatively, making sure I had no other plans, then inviting me to spend Christmas Day with Mattie and him at his home. Since Mattie is his ward, not Mac's, I suppose there isn't the usual shuffling of children between divorced parents. I wondered what Mattie and Mac's relationship was like. Would I meet resentment or welcome from her?

I actually met a little of both. Mattie is a slightly defiant, outspoken teenager. Any resentment toward me seems to come from a protectiveness for Harm. Mattie does not want to see him hurt again. She made several disparaging remarks about Mac so I don't have competition for Mattie's friendship in that regard. Harm helped things along. By Christmas we had spent several more hours together, getting to know one another. Our friendship was growing very quickly. In my case, much stronger feelings were growing quickly, too, but I had to hide them or risk jeopardizing the friendship. Harm's attitude toward me was comfortable, friendly, brotherly (ugh, but I'll take what I can get), and he assumed that Mattie would accept me in that role. Which she did for the most part. Until she found me alone on the couch while Harm finished up some things in the kitchen …

"Christine, can I ask you something?" Mattie looks defiant, strong, quite formidable.

"Of course," I assured her, though I feared what was coming.

"What do you want from Harm?"

The direct question had me stumbling. "What do you mean?"

"Just what I said. Harm's the kind of guy that people want things from, and he doesn't see it. He's always ready to help. Look at me. He didn't have to take me in, but he did."

I decided to be direct. "Are you afraid that I will take his attention away from you?"

Mattie started to adamantly deny my question, but then stopped. With admirable honesty, she said, "Yeah, maybe a little. But mostly I don't want to see him hurt again. Mac hurt him bad. He trusted her and she kicked him in the teeth. I don't ever want that to happen again. I'm just giving you fair warning."

"Mattie, I like Harm a lot. We're becoming good friends. I think he sees himself as the big brother that I lost. I would never do anything to hurt him."

With surprising astuteness for one her age, Mattie asked, "Is that how you see Harm, as your big brother?"

"Well, I .." As I desperately tried to find an answer that wasn't a lie and wouldn't reveal my feelings, Harm saved me from having to answer. He came out of the kitchen and saw our intense discussion. I think he sensed something amiss, but chose to ignore it.

"Hey, what are you two conspiring about," he teased.

"Nothing," Mattie denied quickly. She jumped up, went to Harm and gave him a quick hug. Harm was clearly surprised but returned the hug and didn't press the issue.

Our lives settled into a pattern. Harm and I saw each other for part of a day most weekends and often one evening during the week. My strong physical attraction to him was tempered by our easy companionship. That didn't stop my fantasies in the middle of the night .. oh, well, a girl can dream!

Spring came and our weekends often were 'family' outings: Harm, Mattie and me. As the weather improved, Harm and I often went running together on Saturday mornings. I am physically fit and have been a runner for years. Harm only had to shorten his stride slightly for me to keep up. I really enjoyed those runs as the weather heated up. Harmon Rabb sweating in tank top and running shorts is a vision to make a girl's mouth drool. Sometimes I would purposely fall behind a few paces to enjoy the view of his well-muscled butt.

But most of the time I could just be his friend and companion, because the love I felt for this man was so much deeper and wider than just physical attraction. While he isn't perfect .. God, who would want that? Too boring and too hard to live up to .. he is a good man: strong, honest, kind, thoughtful, diligent .. OK, maybe I'm prejudice because I love him, but he's a keeper for sure. I just wish he didn't see me as a little sister.

At times the physical attraction was so strong that it was torture if he touched me. One day in late spring, we were walking back through the park to cool down from our run. A bright colored bird flitted in a tree nearby and Harm put his arm around me to direct my attention to the bird. As an electric shock ran through me I couldn't help myself .. I tensed and as carefully as possible, hoping not to draw attention to the movement, I stepped away from him forcing him to drop his arm.

Harm let his arm drop with a puzzled look. "Sorry, I forgot I was all sweaty," he offered as an excuse for my reaction, but it was an uncomfortable moment. I mumbled something, kept my eyes on the path ahead and kept walking. By the time we reached our cars, the moment had passed.

Still, after that incident, there were times when we were together that I would look up and catch a strange look in his eyes. A look that I hadn't seen before. Dare I say it, a look that a man gives a woman he is interested in romantically. But little changed. We were still friends and comfortable companions. What's changed is that he is careful not to touch me. I miss the rare physical contact, but know it is the price I have to pay to keep my physical reaction under control.

Time has a way of moving on. Summer was wonderful but it's late autumn again. It is almost a year since I met Harmon Rabb. That meeting was a life changing event for me. Just knowing him, loving him, has filled in the cracks and holes in my life and soul. I feel balanced, centered in my life. Oh, there is the frustration that he will never feel the same love for me that I feel for him, but if I can keep him in my life, perhaps that's enough.

And then as November approached and the days grew shorter, colder, and wetter, another life changing event occurred…