Moving Forward

By Bernadeen

Chapter 3

It is Tuesday morning. My car had been giving me some problems and this morning I dropped it off at the garage for repairs and service. There is a tube station nearby so for this one morning I would ride the subway. At the Embassy we have been monitoring increased chatter about a terrorism event, but there was no indication of when or where it might happen. Life cannot stop to await the hammer to fall. So this morning I enter the underground with other commuters.

We are one station away from my destination when the world erupts. Events happen so quickly that I cannot adequately describe them. The train had been slowing for a station so was not traveling at full speed. The sudden sound of screaming metal accompanied a jarring and abrupt stop. I was flung forward but was lucky enough not to hit my head or sustain anything more than bruises and a couple of deep scratches on my arms, though I'm not sure how they happened. Almost immediately the lights flickered and went out, plunging us into total darkness. I hear groans and murmurs in the seconds after the stop. Then someone screams that they can't see. Only seconds later the emergency lights come on. Lighting is dim but it's enough to see around me.

Most people seem uninjured, but are stunned. I feel certain it had to be another terrorist bombing somewhere down the line. We may be relatively unhurt, but we are probably trapped for now. The passengers help each other stand up. We pull pieces of clothing off to use for bandages for anyone who is bleeding seriously. Only a couple of those in our car, thankfully.

We move to the doors and realize that we can't get them open. There are emergency doors in the back of the train that we'll have to use. Several people who seem to have training for emergency situations .. probably off-duty police, firefighters, or military .. are taking charge. There's little panic until the smoke reaches us. It's thick and we're afraid fire is coming down the tunnel like a blow torch to consume us. Some people start pushing, others fall, to be stepped on by panicked passengers trying to escape to the back of the train.

Harm told me once that fear is useful in life threatening situations because it helps you think and act faster. Fear is only bad if it paralyzes you. Though I'm terrified, I'm still able to function. And somehow I have kept on my feet. I help gather up people to point them toward the back of the train .. toward the emergency exit and away from the smoke. We travel through several cars and eventually exit the train, only to wonder whether this will help us.

I assume that whatever happened has shut down all the trains, but I am not entirely sure that a train will not come up behind us and plow us all down. But the smoke is getting thicker from the front of the train and we need to move. I stumble slightly on the cross ties and thank my stars I wore slacks and flat shoes today.

As we begin to walk down the tracks, I come across an elderly woman who seems dazed and disoriented. She stumbles and stops. I take her arm and say, "Come on. I'll help you." And we continue down the tunnel. The station is several blocks away. In the dim, smoky light, walking down a tunnel never intended for foot traffic is slow going. I just hope that whatever happened is over .. that more bombs aren't waiting to be detonated up ahead. But I can't dwell on that .. I have to concentrate on getting out of here.

Thank God Harm and Mattie don't ride the tube. A spike of fear plunges through my heart as I wonder whether the JAG office is all right, whether Harm is all right. I have no way of knowing how wide spread the attack is until we get to the surface.

According to my watch it's been nearly half an hour since our train was stopped. We must be nearing the station. And then I hear a shout by one of those up ahead that the station is just ahead. We scramble up some service stairs onto the platform and head for the surface. The woman I am helping seems to be doing better but I'm still helping to steady her. The escalators are stopped so I move slowly beside her to make sure she can mange the stairs.

Finally we emerge on the surface .. to a scene of chaotic activity. Emergency vehicles are everywhere, lights flashing and sirens sounding. Most seem to be further down the line toward the next station, where I assume the bomb was placed. It occurs to me that if that bomb had exploded just minutes later, I might not be alive. It's a sobering thought, but one I can't dwell on right now.

Two ambulances are near our exit .. somehow they must have known passengers would be coming out this way. I hand the woman I have been helping over to medical personnel .. then they make me sit down while my cuts are cleaned and bandaged. It's strange that all the while we were in the tunnel, I didn't feel them at all, but now suddenly they hurt like hell .. and they appear to be deeper with a lot more bleeding than I realized. I'm glad to just sit here for a few minutes, while the adrenaline washes out of my system leaving me pale and shaky.

I'm thinking what I need to do next. My purse is still on the train and so is my cell phone. I should call the Embassy to let them know I'm all right. I should call Harm, too, though he didn't know I was riding the tube this morning so he wouldn't be worried.

Suddenly I can't seem to hold my head up. I see the black closing in at the edges of my sight and try to say something to the medic working on my arm. And that's the last I remember.

Some awareness returns and I can feel movement. I'm lying flat in some kind of a vehicle. Someone is leaning over me and talking to me. I have to concentrate... "Miss .. miss, what's your name?" The urgency and command in the voice pulls a response from me. I whisper my first name. It's the voice again, "Christine, stay with me. We'll have you in the hospital in a few minutes. Christine .."

I try so hard to focus on that voice, but the blackness is coming back.

I can hear a beeping that seems to be keeping pace with my heart. The bed is hard, slightly elevated at the head, and the room has the unmistakable odor of a hospital .. that sickly sweet antiseptic smell. I'm able to open my eyes and find a brightly lit room .. too brightly lit and I close my eyes again. Then it's too much effort to open them again and I drift off.

I again become aware of the beeping. My heartbeat. Awareness comes quicker this time and I open my eyes a slit. It's still bright, but it doesn't hurt my eyes as much. I want to know what happened to me .. I thought I was fine when I came out of the tunnel. I swing my eyes as far as I can trying to locate the call button … and end up looking out the window. Well, not really looking out the window because it's dark outside and I can see only a few street lights. I remember what happened .. the train bombing on my way to work this morning .. I assume it was this morning. Have I been unconscious all day?

I try to lift my arm to find the call button but my whole body is a lead weight. I can't move anything. I'm so tired .. I feel myself drifting off again, but my fuzzy brain tells me this time its sleep and not unconsciousness.

I become aware of movement in the room. Someone is listening to my chest with a stethoscope. With a start, I open my eyes to see a gray-haired man in a white coat standing beside my bed. "Well, Christine. I'm glad you're awake. How do you feel?"

I have to think about my answer. I manage to get words past a thick tongue and dry mouth. "Fuzzy. Don't hurt. Can .. have.. water?"

The doctor motions to someone else in the room and a nurse who I didn't notice before steps forward and slips a spoon with ice chips past my lips. I feel immediate relief and try to nod my thanks.

"I'm Dr. Smythe, Christine. You gave us a scare but you're going to be fine."

I work to form the question, "What happened?"

"Do you remember the bombing in the underground."

"I remember .. getting to the surface .. medic patching my arm .. fainting .."

"You lost a lot of blood and with all the dirt and smoke and you running on adrenaline to get out, no one, even you, realized how badly you were injured. You went into shock from blood loss. We've given you a transfusion. You'll be weak for a few days, but you should recover quickly."

I only have energy to nod.

"Can you tell me your last name? We couldn't find any identification."

I have to gather my strength to answer .. I'm feeling so tired again. "Montgomery ... work at American Embassy." I want so badly to ask what time it is, but I can't keep my eyes open …

Next time when I awake, I feel like I've slept long and well. It's hard to remember how badly I felt last time I was awake, because I feel almost back to normal now. Weak, certainly, and a little thick headed, but decidedly better. I turn my head and realize I'm maybe not quite back to normal when a wave of dizziness hits me. I close my eyes but open them as soon as I can because of what I thought I saw in the chair beside the bed.

When the room stops spinning, I cautiously open my eyes, and sure enough .. there's a tall figure scrunched down dozing in the chair, his head leaning on this hand, elbow propped on the arm of the chair. He looks tired and uncomfortable, but I'm very glad to see him. I try out my voice and find it works, sort of. "Harm .." it doesn't come out very loud and cracks half way through his name, but he's awake instantly and standing over me.

"Hey, Christine. You OK?"

"Getting better, I think. What time .. is it?" I notice it's getting light outside the window.

"About 0700. The bombings were yesterday morning."

"How bad?"

"There were four bombs, but three went off when no trains were near. Lots of damage to the subway system. One train had some casualties .. I haven't heard a final count."

"How'd you know .. about me?"

"When the bombings happened, I had a bad feeling, so I called the Embassy. When you hadn't gotten to work two hours after the bombs, I knew it was more than that you were just caught in traffic. I called the hospitals and the Embassy used its diplomatic power to try to find you, but you hadn't been identified until late last night. As soon as I got the call, I came right over."

"You've been here .. all night? You do look tired."

"I was here most of the night." His gaze was intense as he carefully picked up my hand and held it. "Christine, you gave me quite a scare." There was a world of meaning behind those words but my head wasn't clear enough to sort it out right now.

"Sorry .. so tired .. can't stay awake .."

As I fell asleep again, I thought I felt a touch on my check and heard him say, "It's all right, sweetheart, just rest," but I had to have dreamed that last.

Once my strength started to return, I bounced back fast. The next day I was released from the hospital with the understanding that I would not go back to work this week. I was told to get lots of rest, drink plenty of fluids which would help compensate for the blood loss and shock, and I should be good as new in a couple of weeks.

And when I was ready to be discharged, Harm and Mattie were there to take me home .. with them. Mattie insisted. She had grown quite fond of me, and the feeling was mutual. She had lost two women who were important in her life: first her mother dying in a car accident and then Mac abandoning her. Her emotions are fragile when it comes to the possibility of losing another woman she cares about, namely me. So from the time I was released from the hospital until the end of the next day at Harm and Mattie's home, Mattie fussed over me. I understood her need to take care of me, but by the end of the day, she was beginning to try my nerves.

After supper, Mattie was fluffing pillows on the couch behind me and asking me if she could bring me anything and even when I said no, I was fine, she brought me a soda and some cookies. Finally, I gave Harm a look to say I needed to talk to Mattie. He understood my silent message and busied himself in an alcove that he had made into an office.

The next time Mattie came to ask if she could do anything, I patted the sofa beside me and asked her to sit down.

"Mattie, we need to talk about what happened. I know it shook you up after losing your mother. And I know you feel like you need to take care of me to compensate. But, Mattie, I'm fine. Really. The bombings were terrible. We live in scary times. But if we let fear of what might happen, fear of losing someone close to us .. if we let fear rule our lives, we can't enjoy life the way we should. If it's our time, then it's our time. Tuesday wasn't my time. What can I do to help you get over your fear?"

Mattie looked like she was going to cry, but she admitted, "I was just so scared. I was so scared for me, but I was more scared for Harm. He really cares for you and he was frantic when we couldn't locate you. I've never seen him like that." She grinned. "I'm surprised he's not hovering, too." She said cautiously, "Maybe a hug would help."

I immediately reached for her and we clung to each other for a long time, feeling the solid, strong life in each of us, and knowing it was not easily extinguished.

After that things were better. I did notice Harm hovering a bit, too, but he didn't say much. On Friday I insisted on going to my own apartment for the weekend. I really needed to rest and I could best do that alone. Harm drove me to my place, and then announced that he would bring lunch and something for supper so I didn't need to do anything for food. It was sweet and thoughtful and I was grateful.

The next week I returned to work and life seemed to settle into its old routine. Except that there seemed to be a tenseness around Harm when he was near me. I couldn't be sure, but something was different.

And something was different for me, too. The bombings and my injuries showed me just how short life could be. Yes, I believed that when it was our time, there was nothing we could do about it. But that just meant that we needed to do what we wanted to do .. get from life what we wanted while we could… And I wanted Harm .. and I wanted Harm's child. I knew Harm wanted a child of his own so I decided to take a risk. Take the back way into his heart. The child first and then maybe, someday, he would come to love me, too. And as much as I wanted to have a baby .. to feel it growing in my womb .. the image of its conception drove me to distraction.

It was a chilly Saturday. The wind was raw and Harm and I opted to spend the day at his flat .. it had a fireplace. Mattie was spending the weekend with friends so we had the day, and the apartment, to ourselves. It was my chance. Now if only I could get up the nerve…

We had watched a movie. Then Harm made hot cocoa, and we sat side by side on the sofa near the fireplace enjoying the coziness of the setting. Finally I decided I had the perfect opportunity .. I had to do this. "Harm .."

"Mmmm" He sounded sleepy.

"Are you going to sleep?"

"No, just feeling relaxed and lazy by the fire."

"Harm, can we talk?"

My tone must have caught his attention because he turned to me and smiled affectionately. "Always."

"Harm .. the day of the subway attack .. it changed some things for me. I've been thinking about what I want in life .. that life can be so short .. and I want some things before my time runs out."

"What is it you want out of life?"

"I want a child. I'm 35 and I don't have many years left when I can be sure that it can happen without undue risk." I watch Harm for his reaction, but he simply raises his eyebrows questioningly, and remains silent.

"Well .. here's the thing .. I know you want a child, too .. and I thought .. maybe .. if you want to … that we could have one together …" I trail off when I see a look of pain and maybe even anger flash across his face before he turns away from me.

As I curse myself for being so stupid, I hastily apologize. "Harm, never mind, never mind. I'm sorry I brought it up. Can we forget I ever said anything? Please?" I begged.

But when he turns back to me, I see humor and a bit of lingering sadness. "I'm sorry. You just caught me off guard and it was a moment of deja vu. I made a similar offer to a woman once. It didn't work out." His look is intent. "You really would consider having a baby with me?" he sounds disbelieving.

"Harm, you're my friend and I know you well. You're a good man, I care for you, and it would be an honor to have your child."

He stares at me so long that I start to stammer again. "But .. but if you just couldn't think of doing that, I understand. It's alright, really."

"I'm just trying to get used to the idea. I'm not saying no, Christine. I'm just .. just surprised .. and flattered .. that you would want me to be the father of your child."

"Our child, Harm. If we do this, it will be our child, together. I want us to raise the child together." And then I hold my breath as he again stares at me with an intensity that is slightly disconcerting.

And then he smiles .. that bright, bone-melting smile that weakens my knees and makes me glad I'm sitting down, and I breathe again. "All right. I agree." The smile falters and he looks embarrassed. "We're friends, but we've never done romantic things together. How would this work?"

I can't help teasing him gently. "You're a big boy, you have to know how it works."

He lets out a surprised sputter of laughter, but quickly recovers. "Yes, Miss Montgomery. I know how it works. I just meant .. well .. you don't seem to like me touching you .."

Guiltily I remember the day I stepped out of his embrace because he just turned me on too much. I shrug and say as casually as I can, "I don't know .. I must have felt weird that day. Forget about it .. we can take it slow .. get used to the idea .. just be more physical when we're together .. we'll know when the time is right .. when we're ready." I say hopefully. I don't want to spook him now.