A/N I do not own these characters. ABC does. Though they do not treat them well I will.
A Christmas Miracle
Part 1
It was Christmas Eve. A happy time of the year. So why didn't she feel happy. Natalie wondered. But then she knew why. She missed John. Just a month ago she had thought that they would be spending Christmas together. And then the prison riot. Evangeline had dropped that bomb shell, and it had changed her life.
She tried to understand why they had lied to her. Why Cris, the man she thought loved her more then anything, had wanted her to believe he was dead. He had let her grieve for almost a year. Again! The pain was so mush worse this time. Because this time she knew. She knew that Cris didn't really love her. The love she had counted on, the love that she had wrapped herself up with when it was dark and she felt so alone, had been a lie. And that hurt more then anything else.
It also made her angry. Angry at Cris, angry at John, but most of all angry at herself for believing that lie. If Cris's love for her had all been a lie how could she trust her own judgment. She had thought John loved her, even though he had never said it, she had felt it. What if that had been a lie to? What if she had lied to herself because she had wanted it so much.
Sinking back in her chair even further she failed to notice Cris had come into the room. When he spoke Natalie jumped.
"Natalie?" Cris said. "I'm back. I came back for you. We can have the life we always wanted now."
Natalie looked at him as if he were crazy. After seeing him in Angel Square she had told him that they couldn't just pick up where they left off, that she needed time and space. Why couldn't he understand that? Why did he have to be there right now. John understood, he listened when she said she needed space.
When Natalie didn't respond Cris sat down next to her and took her hands in his. Squeezing tightly Cris said to her, "Natalie your my wife and I love you. You belong to me and I'm never going to give up on you, on us."
Natalie ripped her hands away from him, jumped up, and looked at him her eyes blazing. "I belong to you?" She yelled. "Bull shit! I don't belong to anyone least of all you. You lying bastard. How dare you come in here and tell me I belong to you! I may be married to you but I'm not a possession!"
Cris tried to break in but Natalie was on a roll. "You love me! You love me?" she spat at him. "where was that love when I thought that I was dying inside from losing you, TWICE! Where was that love when you let me believe FOR A YEAR that I let some stranger into my life, into my bed! Where was your love then!" Natalie yelled at him, more angry then she had ever been in her life.
Natalie stopped for a second to take a deep breath then continued, "you say you aren't giving up on me. You gave up on me the moment you decided to stay dead! You gave up any claim you had on me when John came to you to tell you we had gotten together and you GAVE HIM YOUR BLESSING! Was I your wife then? No! You bastard. You wanted me to think you were dead. So guess what that's what you are. You are dead to me! I never want to see you again!"
Natalie stopped yelling at him and headed for the stairs, turning back she said in a firm voice, "You need to leave!"
Cris looked at her in shock for a minute then turned to leave, saying, "We aren't over Natalie. I will never give you up. I won't let McBain have you!"
Natalie stopped on the third stair. "You won't let John have me? Is that what all this is about? Well I have news for you, John has always had me. Since the moment he came to Llanview I was his and he was mine!" Natalie stopped right there. Shocked not at what she said but the fact that without a doubt it was true! She loved John more then she had ever loved anyone in her life.
With that realization Natalie came back down the stairs, into the foyer and grabbed her coat.
"Where are you going?" Cris demanded. "You are going to him aren't you? To McBain!"
"Yes I am. Natalie said calmly. "You just helped me realize something. You made me realize that I love John and I will never forgive myself if I let him go because of some misguided promise to you!" With that she left the house leaving a very shocked and angry Cris.
John sat in his room on the couch. That was where he was sleeping these days, when he could sleep that is. He couldn't go near the bed, it just hurt too much. He missed her too much. How could he miss her this much? He wondered to himself. He and Evangeline had been together for almost a year but when it had ended he hadn't missed her. He had missed the sex but he hadn't missed her.
It was different with Natalie. It was like a part of him was missing. The pain consumed him until he thought he would die. Not even losing Caitlyn had hurt this much, and she had died. The worst part of it was that it was his own fault. He lost the best thing that ever happened to him because he had felt guilty about Cris. How stupid was that? He thought miserably.
It didn't matter that he had tried to tell Natalie about Cris. The fact was he hadn't. He could have just told her to shut up, to be quiet. But he didn't. And until now. Until this very moment he hadn't realized why. But now he knew. Sitting there holding the pillow that Natalie had used to his face, he knew. He hadn't said anything because he loved her, and he knew if she found out about Cris she would leave him.
He loved Natalie more then anything in the world and he knew that losing her would destroy him. But that realization came too late. To late for him, too late for her. So now all he could do was sit here in the dark smelling her scent on his pillow and regret.
Regret that he had been a coward, regret that he had thrown Natalie's love away before realizing that her love was the only thing that would save him. That would ever make his world right again.
And John cried, the tears rolling down his face as he wept. He cried for the loss of Natalie. He cried for her pain, the pain he had caused, he cried for his pain. John sobbed into the pillow unable to bear the grief that tore through him with the force of a raging thunderstorm.
For the first time in John's life he knew what hell was. He was in it, burning in his own grief, his own pain, but most of all in the knowledge that for as long as he lived he would never again feel the love of Natalie, the woman he had loved since the moment he met her, the woman he would love for the rest of his life.
After what seemed like hours John fell asleep on the couch clutching the pillow tightly to his chest. He fell asleep and dreamed about her, as he always did.