I wasn't ready.
That's the only way I could explain my stupid decision.
Washing clothes on my own, having to know the difference between coloured and whites, different degrees to wash them on, I wasn't ready, I had spent all my life never even thinking about how my clothes were always fresh and clean and certainly never washed clothes myself.
I wasn't ready to help cleaning the house and paying for something. I had never had to worry about money and now I suddenly had nothing except this unspoken pressure of getting a job so I could participate with the rent. I had never had to clean a floor or a table. We had other people to do that.
Not having people do everything for me and having to be independent didn't really work out that well. I wasn't ready. Growing up surrounded by other's to do the heavy lifting and take care of all details and troubles, I wasn't really prepared to leave all that.
I wasn't ready to come out to the world, the school, and tell them I was happy with a girl. It would make me loose my status, my popularity and that would be bad. It was hard enough just to tell my closest friends. It became awkward after that, like they didn't quite know what to do or say because to them I seemed so different. And why, just because I found the hottest girl that I'm sure is, to this day, the best person in bed ever? Wonder what they would have thought if I said that? But I wasn't ready.
Hell I wasn't even ready to admit to myself that I could really, really like a girl like I did with Ryan. Marissa Cooper had always been interested in the best looking guys and it would always be them I got most emotionally entangled with. That was me. I loved Ryan…I was in love with Ryan. No, I definitely wasn't ready.
And now, it's now I realized I should have been. I shouldn't have cared about anything except that stunning blonde with sparkling, piercing eyes that seemed to change colour after her mood. I thought I couldn't be in love it her because I would always be in love with Ryan…a guy. But I was wrong. I was so wrong and my stupid fears ruined everything. Yes, I loved Ryan, but the whole idea of being in love with him was shattered to weeks after I was alone again, after she'd left me.
I wasn't ready. And I regret that every day. But I am now and I wish I could have been back then. If I shout it out now, will you come back to me? Will you give me a second chance if I came looking for you? Did it mean as much to you as it means to me now? Is that why your eyes looked like your soul had just died that night at the bonfire when you tried so hard to not show I broke you? Have you moved on or do you sit somewhere and cry and mourn over the loss of me like I do over you?
I wasn't ready, but I wish with all my being that I was. I love you Alex. I'm in love with you and you're my only one. I should have been ready.