It's been a good half an hour now, of me sitting in these God forgotten bushes. I've seen no change since the younger brother poked his head out behind the curtain. I wasn't close enough to see, but there was something in his eyes, something I didn't like.
Dean had lifted his head, wiping his eyes slowly, I saw him take a few deep breaths, and try to shake himself out of it. It was no use, just as he thought he beat the tears, down they fell again. He was becoming frustrated with himself, and he looked ashamed. Ashamed of showing such emotion, even if he thought he was alone. That doesn't surprise me; he's always been so guarded, so tough. You'd think the boy was made of stone, but no…poor Dean, he seems to have sprung a leak.
Finally I heard the door squeak, and darting my eyes towards the noise I saw the taller brother stepping out tentatively into the parking lot, his head bowed. Now I was sure that Dean's current state had something to do with Sam. He looked guilty. Looked like a badly beaten dog, with his tail between his legs. I saw him walk as if he was made of molasses up to the car window. He took a deep breath before he knocked, as if to make sure he was doing the right thing. Once he did knock, he had crossed the Rubicon, there was no going back.
I was too far away to hear what Dean said when he saw his brother, but I didn't miss his surprise. He flung open the drivers side door and tumbled out, landing on his knees. He slowly stood back up, his back to his brother. I saw him hide his face as he wiped his eyes furiously, cursing the tears that left him so damn vulnerable. I couldn't hear what Sam said at first, he motioned his hand towards Dean and started to walk towards his brother, but Dean held up his hand in protest and refused to let Sam come any closer, still hiding his tears. I couldn't take it anymore, not being able to hear. It was like watching the climax to a good movie with the mute on.
I slowly moved closer to the boys, I was just on the edge of the parking lot, I hadn't made any noise but I was convinced that they would see me, if only they looked away from each other. I doubted that would happen. Now, at long last, I could hear what they were saying. I was so close I could see the anguish in Sam's features as he stared at his brother, feebly pleading to him to look up. I heard Dean's muffled voice, but I couldn't make out what he was saying,
"What was that?" Sam asked, apparently he hadn't heard either. Dean heaved a sigh and lifted his head, finally allowing his face to show. His eyes were rimmed with red, and the tears had left a tell-tale mark on his cheeks.
"I said I'm fine" he said between gritted teeth, the obvious hiccup in his voice was probably the tears doing as well.
"No you're not" Sam said inching closer to his brother, but they were still separated by the car. "Why won't you just admit it? Just tell me Dean!" His voice was shaking, dangerously close to a frustrated yell. Dean just stared at Sam for a moment; I saw something in his eyes, something that made me feel for the boy. Some hidden, dark emotion that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
"You want me to tell you?" He asked, his own words seeming hollow. Somehow it was like the real Dean had left, been blown away with whatever had happened tonight. I was aching to hear what Sam had done, dying to know how he had brought Dean down.
"Yeah" Sam said swallowing hard. He cleared his throat awkwardly and looked at his brother, his eyes had pleading in them, but also trace amounts of anger, and that scared me. Dean shifted his weight from one foot to the other, trying very hard not to start crying again. He let out a shaky breath and nodded,
"Well, you killed me" he said. Sam just stood there, like the wind had been knocked out of him. He went to speak all too quickly again,
"Dean there were no bullets in the g-" He was silenced mid word by his brother's stony glare,
"Oh, yes there were, Sam" he said coldly, his voice sounding distant. So, Sam had shot Dean? Then where was the bullet hole? Where was the blood? I didn't see anything, nothing but the wound that was visible only through his eyes.
"Dean, I…" Sam faltered; apparently he had seen the wound too. He couldn't look at his brother and his dipped his head, I saw him clench his eyes shut tightly as if he was in physical pain, before he looked back up again, "I'm sorry." The words were flat, they seemed to drop to the ground at Dean's feet, yet Dean seemed unmoved. In fact, behind the tears, behind the pain, I saw anger in his eyes again.
"Sorry? You're Sorry? You shot me, Sam, you wanted to kill me! You would have killed me!" His voice was shaking too, and I had a feeling a dam had just broken down, here came the flood waters from hell.
"I didn't mean it!" Sam said, "that ghost, he had a hold on me, Dean! I didn't…I didn't mean it." Dean studied his brother's face, his eyes not leaving it as he walked around the car, now nothing separated him from his brother.
"Yes you did" he said steadily, as if he was sure. As if he knew. Sam looked at him, shock in his eyes,
"No, Dean…I would never, not willingly…" Sam grasped vainly for ground to stand on as Dean stared him down.
"You can say it, Sammy" Dean said backing up a little bit, the cocky smirk appearing on his face again. "You can say that you hate me, I don't mind." He said, he sounded as if this was just any other conversation, as if it didn't matter whether Sam liked him or not…whether Sam loved him or not. I knew it mattered, I knew it mattered a lot.
"I don't hate you" Sam said softly, as if he was a small child pleading with his big eyes for Dean to forgive him.
"Then why'd you shoot me?" Dean asked the anger growing in his voice, on par with the misery. "If you love me so much, why would you want to kill me?" Sam's eyes grew wide. He looked as if he had been trying to figure out the answer to Dean's question his entire life.
"I told you…the Dr. The ghost, Dean" he said feebly. I didn't believe him, and apparently neither did Dean.
"Bullshit" Dean hissed tearing his eyes off of Sam for a moment. In that momentI saw something happen to the boy, his features hardened, his jaw was set in an angry line, his fiery eyes narrowed.
"Fine" he said callously, clenching his fists at his side. "I shot you because I wanted you dead" he said flatly. He seemed pleased when he saw Dean's head jerk back up, his eyes staring straight at his brother as if he had never seen him before in his life. "I wanted you out of my life; I wanted Dad out of my life. In fact, I didn't even want my life. I just wanted out." Dean drew in a long breath, and from where I stood I could see the tears in his eyes once more. "I didn't want to hurt you, but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about you, or Dad and his mission, I didn't care about Mom, or what had killed her. I just didn't want to be a Winchester anymore!" At the mention of his mother I saw Dean's eyes get clouded with rage, his lips were pressed into a fine line, his hands made into fists. He marched closer to Sam, and in Sam's eyes I saw a hint of fear. And rightfully so.
"You don't mean that" Dean said, biting his lip. Sam's whole body was shaking now, his fists at the ready,
"I'm tired of you telling me how to feel" Sam barked harshly. His mind was clouded with his temper, and I saw the punch coming, even before Dean did. It was a hard punch, after all, Sam was a hunter too, he made contact with Dean's face and before I could blink Dean was on the pavement, his lip bleeding, wondering what had happened. Sam stood above him, breathing heavily. He looked ready to battle. Dean picked himself off of the ground at an agonizingly slow rate. Once he was finally on his feet again he wiped the blood from his chin on his jacked and sighed,
"I'm not going to fight you, Sammy" he said as if talking caused him pain. Sam's shook his head heatedly,
"Don't call me that! I'm not Sammy anymore!" He yelled before he could stop himself. I saw a look in Dean's eyes that was truly pitiable. He looked like Sam had ripped out his heart and ground it into the pavement with the heel of his shoe. He heaved a heavy sigh and nodded,
"I know" he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a formidable looking gun. Sam backed up when he saw Dean draw it, but Dean laughed a little, it was a heartbreaking noise. "I'm not going to shoot you" he said calmly turning the gun towards himself so that the handle was facing Sam. He extended it to his brother and nodded, urging him to take it. Sam grasped the handle reluctantly, eyebrows raised.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" He asked a slight stutter in his voice revealed his nerves.
"Go ahead" Dean said backing three feet away from Sam. He spread open his arms and smiled, "this one's loaded, and I'm a sitting duck."
I saw the conflict in Sam's eyes as he looked from the gun to his brother and back again. I saw the hairs on his neck stand up as he realized the power he held in his hand. His hand was shaking, he was obviously angry, sad, terrified, and nervous all balled into one horribly bad emotion. Dean however, was standing calmly a short distance away, his arms still spread, and his smile still confident as he waited for Sam to make his decision.
I honestly didn't know what Sam was going to do, how he was going to react. However, there was this little part of my heart that was screaming at Sam to put the gun down. That part was blocked out by the sound of the gunshot.
I saw Dean's shocked face as his hand flew to his wound, the blood pouring from him in a sickening sea of red. Staining his shirt and his jacket. He didn't fall down at once; he just looked at his left shoulder, where the bullet was lodged with disbelieving eyes.
"Sammy?" He asked quietly, all the characteristic strength and confidence drained from his voice. After that, he crumpled to the ground, defeated. My eyes flew to the other brother who was still standing where he had shot, gun still in the air. He was breathing hard, his face distorted in a look of rage. That is, until he heard his name. At the sound of Dean's voice Sam seemed to snap back from wherever the hell his mind had been for the past argument and all other emotions left as fear flooded his eyes. He dropped the gun carelessly and ran to his brother's side.
"Oh, God, Dean" Sam cried out shaking his brother's shoulder. He was loosing blood fast and for a moment Sam forgot what it was he was supposed to do. He just cradled his unconscious brother, willing him to wake up. In the stillness of the night air I heard his pitiful whisper in his brother's ear. In the silence left after the blast I heard the heartbreak in his voice as he finally meant what he said, "Oh, God Dean…I'm so sorry."
Coming soon...chapter 5