Disclaimer: I own nothing. Yet again.
Chapter 6: The Wolf Within
Tonks had waited patiently for six hours, gossiping with Molly; trying to cheer up Sirius; chatting to Arthur about muggle 'artifacts'; and putting up with the random Order passerby's, for Remus' arrival at Grimmauld Place.
And at exactly 4:00 that evening, Remus slipped through the large stone doors as quietly as he had exited them this morning. Tonks noticed he looked even more tired then this morning, if possible. The many lines on his face had deepened, and his breathing was slow and raspy.
As Remus walked by, he showed no sign that he knew Tonks was even standing there. Tonks opened her mouth to inform him of her being, but thought better of it. She watched him ascend the long staircase and sighed. He was going to hate her for this. She still couldn't get her head around exactly why she was even doing this. She just…had to. Something deep inside her told her that she had to.
Tonks rattled up the stairs behind Remus, her stomach tying itself together in knots. What would she see? Would it be like she imagined or…worse?
"TONKS!"
Tonks jumped a mile, and landed heavily on her backside. She groaned, soothingly rubbing the small of her back, and looked up at the person who had screeched at her, who was presently breathing very heavily, looking bewildered, and had a hand to her heart.
"Molly, are you all right?" Tonks said nervously, and glanced around the corner, making sure no one else was standing there.
Molly smiled and began to fix her hair, "Oh fine! But, dear, how are you? That was quite a fall," but before Tonks could answer, Molly continued, "And what are you doing up here? I'm assuming you know that tonight - "
Molly stopped short and began twirling her hair absentmindedly around her index finger.
"I just fancied a stroll," said Tonks simply.
"Around this place?" asked Molly suspiciously.
Tonks shrugged. Molly seemed to accept this, bade Tonks goodbye, and started off downstairs. Tonks sighed and collapsed against the wall, running a hand through her dark purple hair. She straightened herself up and stalked off toward Remus' door, her mind racing.
As she reached for the door handle she paused. Should she really be doing this? She shook off the thought immediately. She loved risks; and this was the perfect risk.
She grabbed the door handle, turned it, and opened the door in one swift moment, giving Remus no time to protest.
Tonks eyes widened at what she saw before her. It wasn't at all like she imagined, though not worse either. A large wolf-like animal stood before her, lean and gray, its fur specked with flecks of brown. It had long fang-like teeth, and sharp, lethal claws, which were balled into fists at the moment, trying to hide away from Tonks' glare. It's huge eyes were a yellowish brown, and had a thin black line down the center, exactly where the pupil was supposed to be.
But even though this creature was so different than the man Tonks knew, his wolfish features reflected his human self, though however slightly.
Remus was breathing heavily, standing on all fours on the bed, and was observing her shrewdly, as if in disbelief. His face, though covered in a mass of fur, had a look of horror on it, which made Tonks feel extremely guilty. She had barely even considered how horrified and embarrassed Remus must be at this. It had crossed her mind, of course, but mostly she had been working on building up the courage to do this.
"What are you doing?" Remus spoke, very hoarsely, and had the tone of someone attempting to conceal their anger. His disbelief seemed to have lifted as he was now hurriedly trying to shrink into the smallest shape possible, and had pulled a blanket in front of his face.
Tonks mind was a blank, and she searched for something to say. "I don't know. I mean, I do, well…no, I don't. I just…wanted to see you…like this." Tonks clapped a hand to her mouth. That had probably been the most immature and offensive thing she could have said to him. 'I just wanted to see you like this'? Was she crazy? Dread and regret began to fill her body.
She froze up, and waited for Remus to yell, scream and probably throw her forcefully out of the room.
To her utmost shock, he did nothing of the kind. He lowered his blanket slowly and straightened up, his mouth opened slightly. His yellowish eyes were observing her spookily, making Tonks fight to contain a shudder.
"Like this," he repeated mechanically, and heaved a sigh. "Like this. Nymphadora, just - this. It's terrible and horrifying. It's probably the only thing that scares me more than forgetting to take my potion and accidentally hurting someone; someone seeing me like this. Why did you want to see it? Me, like this?" His voice suddenly grew louder, "Why?"
Tonks eyes welled up with tears, but she refused to let them fall. "I think…I think I wanted to help you." As soon as she said it, she realized what she meant by it. She had wanted to be there for him, just as he had done for her. "I wanted to help you like you helped me. Last night." She half-clarified, but Remus seemed to get the picture.
"But why? Tonks, I can take care of myself. I've been doing this, alone, for almost twenty years now. I just don't need anyone."
At his last words, Tonks grew angry. "Not need anyone?" she retorted, "Not need anyone? How could you say that, Remus? Everyone needs someone! You can't live life alone! You can't shut people out! You have to let people in, or…or…you'll…explode! From everything!"
The wolf shifted. "Well, I've been doing a pretty good job of not exploding so far, haven't I?" he said bitterly, which was something new, and made Tonks smile a bit, even though she was supposed to be angry.
"Thank-you," she said smugly, and grinned a little wider.
Remus grew confused. "For what?" he snapped, though the bitterness in his tone had almost completely dissolved.
"For showing me you can be normal."
At this, Remus let out a laugh, "Normal? You call this normal?" he looked confusingly at Tonks, but, seeing her still smiling proudly, he let out a sigh.
"You know, your not, in this form I mean, what I imagined you would look like," said Tonks slyly.
"Is that a good thing?"
Tonks pondered this for a moment, and then nodded. "Yes, it is."
"Well, what do I…look like to you?" Remus said slowly.
Tonks answered immediately, "A man in a Halloween costume."
"A Halloween what?"
Tonks rolled her eyes and said sarcastically, "And you call yourself a half-blood. To Muggles, Halloween is a holiday where little Muggle children go around and dress up like ghosts and ghouls and werewolves and whatever else they find scary. Daft, eh?"
Remus smiled, or a least Tonks thought he did, and began smoothing out the blankets around him. "I wouldn't call it that. But thank you for not running out of the room when you saw me, screaming bloody murder, and being 'scarred for life'. I appreciate that."
Tonks furrowed her brow, "Why would I do that? Why would anyone who knows the real you do that?"
His smile, or whatever it was, vanished immediately, "You'd be surprised." He said quietly, and Tonks was positive she saw his wolfish body quiver for a moment.
"What?" she asked concernedly, and looked deep into his inhuman yellow eyes. As soon as their eyes met, a shiver ran through her spine; Remus may not be in his usual form, but he was still Remus.
"Someone…did something? What? Please…tell me." she knew this sounded extremely rude, but she could find no other way to put it.
"Hah," said Remus offhandedly, as though he thought Tonks hadn't really meant what she said. "You don't want to know."
Tonks raised an eyebrow. She was seeing a side of Remus she had never seen before, he seemed so bitter, so harsh, not like the usual kind-hearted, overly nice man he usually was. Maybe being a werewolf made him less capable of hiding his feelings? As soon as she thought this she felt her heart skip a beat. Not those kind of feelings, she thought sadly. But still, perhaps she could get to know a different side of him, the one underneath everything.
"I do want to know." She said quietly.
Remus shuffled uncomfortably on the bed. "It's nothing."
"Stop it, it's something, it's obviously something," she said, standing up. She promptly walked over to where he sat and slid onto the bed beside him.
Remus watched her in amazement. He moved over greatly as she settled herself, eventually deciding on sitting on her knees, facing him. She moved her hand across the bed, and grasped his animal-like one.
Remus shuddered. Tonks wasn't sure from surprise, or gratitude, or…something else.
"I want to know everything." She moved their hands onto her lap, stroking his ever so slightly, not minding in the least that it was freakishly furry, and had long, sharp claws. "Remus, please, you have to talk…if not to me…to someone. But I would really like for it to be me." She had almost choked on her last words. It probably sounded perfectly innocent to him, but it to her it was much more.
Remus studied her, and Tonks noticed he was trembling slightly. His words came out shaky and nervous, and Tonks was sure he had never told another soul what he was telling her.
"It was…this woman. I doubt you would know her. I loved her." Tonks heart froze as he said this, but still was aching for him to continue. "And then she saw me. Like this." Remus stopped and looked up at the ceiling.
Seeing that he wasn't about to go on, Tonks filled in the blanks, "And you never saw her again."
Remus smiled wryly. "Pretty much. Silly, right?"
Tonks' mouth dropped; she couldn't believe her ears, "Silly? How could anything like that be silly? That is the most horrid thing anyone could ever do! Actually," added Tonks, thinking fast, "It's worse what you're doing! And what you probably did! I mean, let me guess, she freaked and you let her, you hid in the shadows, you shrunk away, and let it torment you for the rest of your life."
Remus was apparently in shock. He lay still for a moment, barely breathing, before saying, almost silently, "Tonks…"
And that was it, just 'Tonks'. She waited for him to continue but he couldn't seem to be able to. He couldn't disagree, nor could he agree. Tonks moved closer to him, ignoring he was a werewolf at the moment, and lay her head in his shoulder, just as she had done the night before.
Remus stiffened, and closed his eyes. They sat in silence for almost ten minutes, just being with each other, until Tonks spoke.
"Was she the only woman you've ever loved?"
The question obviously took Remus by surprise. He opened his eyes and moved away a bit, breaking Tonks' position. She backed away, and waited for him to answer.
"No."
Tonks tried to study his face. It seemed almost emotionless; he wasn't letting anything slip. "Who else?" she asked bluntly.
"I can't tell you."
Tonks never took her eyes off his face. He still remained nonchalant, though his yellow eyes were fixed on the ceiling; he seemed very unwilling to meet her stare.
She decided to accept his answer, and not quiz him about it; she didn't want him any more uncomfortable than he already was. "Well, that evil woman, the one who wouldn't accept you, what was her name?"
Remus chuckled, which took Tonks aback. She supposed he found it funny that she referred to one of his loves' as 'the evil woman'.
"OK, I suppose I can tell you." He paused, and took a deep breath, "Marcia Vance."
"As in related to Emmeline Vance?"
Remus nodded, his eyes once more on the ceiling. "Her sister. Dead, now, though." He added, and Tonks thought she saw his eyes water slightly, but before she could investigate it further, he tore his eyes off the ceiling and looked deep into hers. "Your turn."
"What?" said Tonks blankly; she had not expected this.
"Have you ever loved anyone?"
Tonks gulped, and rubbed her temples. "No-well, yes, actually." It doesn't matter if you tell him who you used to love, after all, she thought forcefully. He did tell you.
"Who?" he inquired mischievously.
"Er…well…I'm not…" she broke off, this was turning out to be harder than she had expected. "Do I really have to say?"
"I told you," he said seriously, and Tonks sighed.
"Fine! Bill Weasley!" she spat out. She cringed and half-expected him to laugh; she had meant to say it a bit more gracefully.
But Remus didn't even smile, "I thought so."
"You did?"
"It's the way you look at him."
"I don't love him anymore!"
"Perhaps not," said Remus slowly, "But you have that…air of two people that have…or had…something more than a friendship."
Tonks snorted in spite of herself, "You could hardly call it having something. It was when I was in my fifth year, and he was in his seventh year. It was quite pitiful, actually; we dated for maybe a month. I was head-over-heels. He apparently wasn't. He met some gorgeous sixth-year from Beauxbatons, and suddenly, I'm history." She ended that a little more bitterly than she had anticipated, as Remus looked at her sympathetically, almost sorrowfully.
"You can hardly say it's 'pitiful'. If I do say so myself, men can be very immature and uncaring." He smiled slightly, and Tonks burst into fits of laughter.
"Not you though," she said sincerely, when she had stopped laughing, "You're about the kindest man I've ever met."
Remus raised an eyebrow (or so she thought) but said nothing.
They began to talk more freely; both almost forgetting Remus was currently a werewolf. As there conversations dived deeper into the night, Tonks began to feel her heart pound loudly in her chest almost every time Remus spoke. Now, more than ever, she started to realize that what she felt for him was much more than just a schoolgirl crush. Much, much more.
Tonks looked at her watch and gasped; it was almost six in morning, and Remus would be changing back soon. She looked over at the wolfish figure beside her, and touched his shoulder gently.
He looked up at her tiredly; after all, they had been talking all night long.
"Remus," she said, "It's almost time…" she paused thoughtfully, deciding which words were best to use here, "for you to…change back. It's nearly six."
Remus looked at her and stiffened. "I can feel it." Almost directly after he said that, he let out a groan of pain. His sharp claws were pushing themselves back into his hands, and his gray-brown fur was slowly sinking back to reveal his pale skin.
Tonks abruptly turned her back; he would obviously be naked when he transformed back, and he'd hardly want her staring at him.
After a few moments, and what sounded like an extremely painful experience; though Remus hardly let on, she heard distinct shuffling noises, and guessed he was getting changed. But she only turned when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder, and felt a shiver go down her spine.
"Thanks," Remus said wearily.
Tonks studied him, and let out a soft gasp. He looked as though he had never slept a wink in his life, and his soft gray-brown hair was matted and tangled. He breathing was very heavy, and the way he was standing made it look as though he had a small limp.
"Remus…"she breathed, "You look awful. Oh, I'm so sorry, I should have never kept you up all night."
But Remus shook his head wearily. "No, I'm fine. I hardly have any rest at all anyways, and your company was definitely worth it."
Tonks smiled, took his hand and examined it, rubbing it tenderly with her thumbs.
Though she had almost no problem with his werewolf self, she was happy he was back to normal. He was so delicate, and…perfect. Tonks laughed to herself. She was being pathetic.
"Well, at least sleep now," she said sternly and ushered him over to the bed.
Remus chuckled jadedly. "Yes, ma'am."
Tonks smiled and kissed him on the cheek, causing him to blush slightly. "See you later." She turned around and walked slowly towards the door, a bubbly sensation taking over her body. She looked back at Remus, and found he was already asleep, his head gently placed in his hands, his mouth slightly open, and small rays of sunshine shadowing him beautifully.
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A/N: Hmmm...I really like the idea of this chapter, but I don't think I wrote it very well. Oh well. Thanks so much for the reviews, ppl! Keep it up!
Windedspirit: You are mentioned once again! Hmm...the case of the missing fan fic...hehe. Well, good luck with Kingsley/Tonks one! I really want to read it...once you've, like, started it. Thanks for the reviews, they really reassure me that I am not too bad of an author, lol.
smash: Thank you, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'll update really soon, I'm just editing Chapter 7 (A Kiss, A Promise, and Jealously) now.