Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Harry Potter.
A/N: OK, I haved fixed the end part, because you're right, it was WAY too un-Remusy. I hope you like this!
Chapter Twelve: Desperation
Nymphadora Tonks had not seen Remus for four months.
Four whole months.
Not since that fateful day in Grimmauld Place when he told her he loved her. It was like he had disappeared into think air.
Or he was just very good at avoiding her.
In reality, however, it turned out he was on a mission for Dumbledore. A mission which required him to go underground and try to convince feral werewolves to help us fight the wizarding war. And he hadn't even told her. She had had to ask Kingsley, who very reluctantly informed her that that's where he was.
She had, if she did say so herself, a total temper tantrum. She had totally destroyed her flat (which she regretted dearly afterwards), screamed and kicked (she actually punched a whole in her wall) and refused to speak to anyone for twenty-four hours.
Tonks knew she had been childish, but she didn't care. How could the man she loved, and the man that loved her back, not tell her that he was risking his life going on a dangerous mission staying with feral werewolves? How could he just leave without saying goodbye? In the very least, he could have told her he was going on a mission. Or left her a note. That still would have made her blow her top, but at least he would have told her. Did he not realize that this was probably the most selfish, non-caring, awful thing he could do right now? He was taking her on a never-ending roller coaster of disappointment and emotions. And she hated roller coasters.
Now, finally he was back. Well, at least, she heard he was. From Molly. And she was usually a pretty reliable source.
So, that was why she was standing outside his flat, hair in a mess, fists clenched, teeth gritted, and feeling about ready to kill someone.
She pounded on his door. Nothing.
"REMUS…er…J. LUPIN OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW OR I WILL BLAST IT INTO OBLIVION!"
Still nothing. What is wrong with him? Thought Tonks furiously.
"OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW! LUPIN! NOW! OR ELSE!"
Merlin, why isn't he opening it? How arrogant can he be? I bet he's in there, grinning his evil little face off…
"REMUS LUPIN OPEN THE BLOODY DOOR RIGHT NOW YOU UNGRATEFUL, UNCARING, AWFUL, MEAN LITTLE-!"
"Er - Nymphadora?" came a cautious voice from behind her.
Tonks turned and found herself face to face with Remus Lupin.
Brilliant.
"Oh!" She gasped, but shook off her embarrassment immediately. "REMUS LUPIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? HOW? DON'T YOU CARE? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! OR WERE YOU JUST LYING? OR TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? HOW COULD YOU?"
Remus stood there, totally bewildered and taken aback by her outburst, his mouth open slightly and his grey-blue eyes wide.
"OH, DON'T ACT ALL INNOCENT! HOW COULD YOU GO ON A MISSION WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME? HOW DARE YOU! I LOVE YOU! HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?"
Remus closed eyes for a moment, and lifted his head in comprehension. "Tonks, please, can we talk about this inside?"
"'TALK ABOUT THIS INSIDE?' WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID OF YOUR NEIGHBOURS GETTING THE WRONG IDEA OR SOMETHING? WELL, SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE, BUT BEING A BLOODY WEREWOLF PROBABLY HAS THAT EFFECT ALREADY! AND DON'T CALL ME TONKS, REMUS, DON'T!"
Remus raised an eyebrow. "You don't want me to call you Tonks?"
Tonks opened her mouth to yell once more, but closed it once his words actually hit her.
Oops. Tonks blushed for the first time and bowed her head slightly.
Remus took the opportunity to usher them inside. Once they were settled on the wilted brown sofas, Tonks spoke.
"So, tell me then, why did you not tell me you were leaving? Did you not realize how inconsiderate that was?"
"I thought it would be easier," he said truthfully.
"For you or for me?" Tonks shot back.
Remus opened his mouth, and then closed it again. Of course he had told himself it would be best for her. But now, looking back, was that really true? Maybe, deep down, he just didn't want to deal with it, her or his emotions.
"For both of us," he settled on. "Tonks-" she winced as though he had hit her, and Remus looked at her concernedly, "-you're probably right. It wasn't the best idea not to tell you. But at the time my mind was all over the place. I'm sorry."
Tonks looked up at him, and ran a finger softly over a deep scar on his cheek. "I was so worried about you," she whispered. She kissed the corner of his mouth gently, the feel of his lips sending a shiver down her spine.
Remus stood still for a moment, his eyes closed, and his fingers gingerly feeling the spot where Tonks had just kissed him. "I'm sorry," he said again, his voice more hoarse than ever.
"And I missed you," she felt a tear slide down her cheek, but she ignored it. "I missed you so much."
She leant forward and pressed her face into his sweater, once again inhaling his wonderful scent. But Remus quickly drew away, avoiding her eyes.
"We can't," Remus looked up at her, his bluish eyes surprisingly watery. "I'm sorry, Tonks, but we can't. I'm still just as convinced of this as I was when this all started."
Tonks drew a breath in sharply, stung slightly by his words, turned, and headed towards the door. She looked plainly at the door handle for a moment, tears threatening to fall, before speaking.
"D'you want to know why I don't want you to call me Tonks? It's because I love you Remus. I know that may sound daft, and pathetic, and like some dumb soap opera line, but it's true. I love everything about you, Remus Lupin. I love the way you brush your hand through your hair when your nervous; I love how you are always unbearably polite, even when you shouldn't be; I love your eyes, and how they sparkle just so perfectly in the light; and I love the way you say my name. When anybody else says it, it just sounds so…stupid, and childish. But when you say it's so…lovely. Because you're lovely. I wish you would just give us a chance, Remus. I wish you would let yourself be happy."
Not letting him reply, she opened the door and slipped out, Apparating as soon as it had clicked shut behind her.
----
"Tonksie…" called a far away voice.
"Go away," replied Tonks sleepily, and yawned hugely.
Tonks felt someone shake her forcefully. "Miss Tonks, please wake up, I don't want to have to fire you."
Tonks jumped and looked around wildly. "Oh, Merlin, I'm terribly sorry sir, I promise I won't do that again, it's just I've been so awfully tired lately and…"
She stopped short when she saw Kingsley standing in front of her, grinning widely.
She narrowed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at him. "Now that was mean, Shacklebolt. You really gave me a scare there."
Kingsley looked at her inquiringly. "Are you saying I don't have the authority to fire you? Because I do, you know, and by the way, your work has been slipping a tad lately, and if you don't-"
Tonks punched him playfully on the arm. "Shut it. Some friend you'd be if fired me."
"Friend? So I'm your friend then, eh Tonksie?" Kingsley grinned mischievously, and winked at her.
Tonks forced a smile back. Kingsley was a great guy, but it seemed he'd…changed a lot since Tonks had gotten to know him better this last year. The Kingsley that she thought she knew, before the Order, was serious and fatherly, a man that Tonks really respected. But he was now always laughing and making jokes, which, of course, isn't exactly a bad thing, but it reminded her too much of…Sirius.
What a year this was turning out to be. It was unbelievable how much emotion Tonks had and was going through. Pain, happiness, friendship, agony…and love.
"Ugh," she yawned again and rubbed her eyes. "How long have I been sleeping?"
Kingsley grinned wickedly. "Almost five hours now."
Tonks' jaw dropped. "Five…five hours? Kingsley, why the hell didn't you wake me earlier?" Her eyes fell on the huge pile of papers towering on her desk and she groaned.
Kingsley looked at her thoughtfully. "You seemed like you really needed it. And you looked so…peaceful."
Tonks snorted. "Me, peaceful? That'll be the day." She closed her eyes and sighed. "You know, Kings-ugh!"
She backed away quickly, wiping her lips in disgust.
Kingsley had just kissed her.
"What in Merlin's name was that about? Kingsley, I thought we were mates, nothing more! And, and, you know…" she dropped her voice and looked at him furiously. "You know about the situation between me and Remus."
Kingsley rolled his eyes. "Oh, c'mon, Tonks, it's never gonna work between you two. Move on already."
Tonks recoiled in shock. What could she say to that? They stood there for a moment, silently staring, before Tonks spoke quietly. "That's none of your business, Shacklebolt. You can't decide what I should be feeling and when I should be feeling it." She paused for a second, breathing deeply. "What's happened to you, Kings?"
She closed her eyes and walked out the door, not looking back once.
----
Remus Lupin couldn't believe his eyes.
Kingsley Shacklebolt had just kissed Tonks.
His Tonks.
She's not yours, he reminded himself bitterly. And she never will be.
Still, he had no right kissing her. Did he?
"What in Merlin's name was that about? Tonks screeched, looking hysterical. "Kingsley, I thought we were mates, nothing more! And, and, you know…" she paused and Remus could see her eyes grow over bright in the dim light. "You know about the situation between me and Remus."
Remus felt his heart drop. It was easy to see how much pain she was going through. If he could just make her happy without giving in to her and creating a romantic relationship…
Remus sighed. It was impossible and he knew it.
"Oh, c'mon, Tonks, it's never gonna work between you two. Move on already."
Remus' jaw dropped, as did Tonks'.
"That's none of your business, Shacklebolt." She said, her voice going up and down, and it sounded like she was trying to prevent tears. "You can't decide what I should be feeling and when I should be feeling it." She paused for a second, breathing deeply.
"What's happened to you, Kings?"
She walked towards the door, looking furious and depressed, her lank mousy brown hair flashing dangerous orange colours.
Remus slipped into the shadows quickly. It would definitely not help matters if she saw him.
Remus felt anger boil through his body. How could Kingsley do that? Merlin, if he could get his hands on him…
Suddenly, Kingsley snorted. "Stupid cow left her wand here." He had Tonks' wand in his hand, and was examining it in disgust.
What had he just called her?
That was it. Remus stormed into the office and glared at himself, who stood frozen in his spot, overcome by shock.
"Why did you do that to her?" he demanded.
Kingsleys' surprise seemed to melt. He smiled and walked over to Remus. "Well, you see, when one person likes another, and they decide to be courageous and-"
"How dare you," Remus spat, cutting off Kingsley's monologue.
"Oh, get over it, Remus, you could have her if you wanted her. Go and see her instead of playing jealous lover over here with me. Why anyone would want that obnoxious, daft little-!"
Remus grabbed Kingsley by the front of his robes, and shook him so hard (even surprising himself) that Kingsley abruptly stopped it mid-sentence.
"How dare you say that?" he whispered, still astounded by his sudden rash moment.
"It's not like your any better," retorted Kingsley, his teeth gritted.
Remus was dumbfounded, "What?" he said quietly, his voice a little bit less threatening.
"You're breaking her," he said. "She loves you, and (from what I've heard) you love her too, but you just push her away, and that is the worst possible thing that you could ever do. I might not be Mr. Saint here, but at least - at least – I've never caused anyone that much pain." And with that, Kingsley turned sharply on his heel, and sped off into the eerie darkness of the hallway.
Remus stood there, totally bewildered. He looked down at the brown envelope he clutched in his right hand and sighed. He placed it gently down on Kingsley's desk, drew a slip of parchment from his pocket, and wrote a small note in a flourish:
'New Assignment from Dumbledore. He wants it returned to him with reply (yes or no) by tomorrow evening at the latest.
-R.L.
P.S. You're right.'
----
A/N: OK, so what do you think of the 'fixed' version? I know it's still a little violent, but I think it's OK. Thanks for the reviews!