Nine's Notes:

Darkhymns: It's supposed to be odd... I'll change it to humor/parody.

Dalamar Nightson: If you look carefully, you'll see little clues that tell you they have some idea what's going on- for example, Zack knowing that Shirak is supposed to activate the Staff of Magius.

Both: Oh, you don't have to worry about Zack or Xan going Mary-Sue. But, actually, they show up in the third paragraph of this chapter!

DISCLAIMER: Kati and Alex are the only real people with the right to be offended by characters. Dragonlance isn't mine.

Zack was still trying to make the Staff of Magius work.

That would explain the growing crowd of custard-covered Solamnics outside of the Shoikan Grove.

"Enough of the Solamnics, back to me!" Zack snapped. "I'm the replacement Raistlin, remember! I'm supposed to be the all-powerful mage, with Mary-Sues swooning over me every time I so much as take a breath!"

"Oh, and you're complaining?" Xan slammed the door on a few hundred girls.

"DALLY!" The high-pitched screaming and fawning could be heard behind the door.

"Zack! Can't you, I don't know, send in the spectral guardians?"

"I'll try… um… here spectral guardian spectral guardian spectral guardian! Nice undead spirit!"

A man in an oil-stained jumpsuit opened the other door and walked in. He began to read the script in his hands stiffly. "I am the spectral guardian. What is your wish, my master?"

"Wait a minute!" Xan said. "You're not a spectral guardian! You're an airplane mechanic!"

"What was I supposed to do? Northwest was going to cut my pay! I needed to find a second job!" the hapless mechanic exclaimed.

"Um… I have no idea what to do." Zack said.

"What my shalafi means is that he wants you to go scare those fangirls out there!" Xan pointed to the door.

"Er… what's a shalafi?" The mechanic began flipping through his Krynnese-English dictionary.

"It doesn't matter! Just go scare them off because I said so!"

"Geez, talk about workplace domination. Well, at least I get benefits…" The mechanic walked out the door and into the horde of fangirls. Xan sprinted over and shoved the door closed. "I am the spectral guardian. Boo."

There was a stampeding noise, and Xan gasped. "Oh no…"

The fangirls stormed into the room.

"Who are you?"

"Me?" Zack said. "Apparently, I'm Raistlin Majere!"

"Wow, looking good, Raistlin…"

"Thank you, ladies." Zack stood. "Did you want to… ask me something?"

"Yeah! Where's Dalamar?"

"Curses! Foiled again!" Zack stalked out of the room, stopping at the flattened mechanic in the hall. "I'm canceling your chiropractic."

"NO!" The mechanic gave a blood-curdling cry.

----

"That was close." Xan sighed as she scrambled onto the roof. "I wonder how the real Dalamar handles all of this…" she looked out onto the horizon. "Hmm, where did that custard-covered Solamnic army come from? At least the Shoikan Grove is holding them at bay- Wait a minute! Why didn't the Shoikan Grove hold those fangirls at bay?"

---

Earlier, in the Shoikan Grove…

"I don't care how much your budget's been affected by the recent wars!" the leader of the Undead Guardian Union, Shoikan Division, shouted. "We want chiropractic!"

"You're undead! Why do you need chiropractic?" Raistlin yelled back, exasperated.

"Undead discrimination! Strike! Strike!" The undead spirits ran to their picket lines.

Raistlin snarled. "Well, at least I can cast a spell to keep massive armies of custard-covered Solamnic Knights from entering the grove! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

---

"It still doesn't make any sense." Xan shook her head. "Well, it is a nice view up here. Palanthas is pretty in the morning light… wait a minute. Light reminds me of light speed reminds me of objects moving near light speed reminds me of relativity reminds me I HAVE A PHYSICS CLASS TO PASS!" She began to cry in exasperation.

"Eek!" Zack shrieked and scrambled onto the roof next to her. "The Raistlin fangirls were late."

"I never thought I'd see the day when Raistlin Majere wore a Duke t-shirt and generic khaki pants."

"They tore souvenirs out of my robe." He shrugged. "Why were you crying?"

"I need to study for my physics class! I can't do that when I'm besieged by fangirls on top of a Tower in Krynn!"

"We could sneak out of the Shoikan Grove."

"Then the custard-covered Solamnics would get us!"

"I'll think of something. I'm the brutally intelligent and narcissistic one, after all."

"Hey! I'm the unassuming genius who's secretly spying on you for Par-Salian and using you to advance my own power!"

"How dare you!" Zack brandished the Staff of Magius. "Um… Shirak!"

Another custard-covered Solamnic joined the army.

"Fine… just give me a minute to come up with a spell…"

"Um, Zack, I think we don't have a minute!" Xan kicked a grappling hook down. "iay eednay aay eallyray eatgray ellspay otay etgay outay ofay erehay!"

Zack and Xan were suddenly in the middle of nowhere.

"What did you say, ignorant apprentice?"

"I just said, 'I need a really great spell to get out of here' in Pig Latin!"

"The middle of nowhere is very dark." Zack said.

"You're the one with the staff that glows." Xan shrugged.

"Shirak!"

Sturm Brightblade flung the tub off of his head and tried to wring the custard out of his moustaches as he walked over to them.

"You! You wield Raistlin's staff, yet you are not he!"

"Oh, me? I'm the backup Raistlin after Paris Hilton's dog." Zack said. "This is the backup Dalamar after Cher."

"Oh. Nice to… meet you?" Sturm looked confused.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Xan asked.

"Oh. Right." Sturm died.

"What a shame. To die with the indignity of being covered in custard." Zack said. "Return this man to Huma's breast, blah-blah-blah, Solamnics think they're all that, I like cheese, Amen, mazeltov!"

"Backup Raistlin, I think we need to find the real Raistlin before something else goes wrong." Xan said.

"Alright, backup Dalamar!" Zack said, then was distracted by a shiny rock. "I think this rock has whimsy in it!"

"Wherever Raistlin is, he's probably being embarrassed for you." Xan grabbed Zack's arm. "Come on. Let's go."

And so "Dalamar" the Chick from Kalamazoo and "Raistlin Majere" (in a Duke t-shirt and generic khakis) continued through the middle of nowhere.