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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Chapter 2
Darkness Falls
I want strong arms to wrap around me
I need protection in your hands
I want to depend on myself
I need strength from my own heart
I want to be a good girl
I need to be the best
I want to stand up for myself
I need to do wrong- from Confused
Hermione's POV (October 31, 1981)
Everything was going according to plan, she thought from the bushes. Sirius was here, trying to get Hagrid to give him Harry. Hagrid was resisting. Just like he was supposed to.
She could see the tears trapped in Sirius's eyes. She herself had felt like crying. But hopefully Lily and James had put the charm on. If they had then they weren't dead. They couldn't be dead. She wouldn't let them be dead.
He needn't worry, she thought. They're not really dead. A few minutes later Hagrid took Sirius's bike and flew off. Sirius disapparated.
This was one thing she could not stop. Sirius would have to go to Azkaban. Nothing could be done about it. She wouldn't get near to him. If she did, she'd try to stop it all. He would be completely alone.
Just like Remus.
She tried to block the thoughts from her mind but her guilt kept coming back, hounding her, ripping her apart. She could almost hear them, each individual piece of remorse having Remus's voice, telling her what she had done and how it was hurting him, how she was killing him.
When she was sure that it was safe, Hermione crept to the house. It was hardly recognizable anymore. The explosion had blasted a wall clear away. Hermione walked through, her black cloak covering her. James was lying on his back next in the kitchen. The charm was around his neck, she saw with a smile. She carefully walked up the destroyed stairs and found Lily, crumpled in a heap at the foot of the bed. She also had the charm around her neck.
Hermione levitated Lily and James out of the house and into the forest. They couldn't stay here. The muggles would ask questions.
Making sure that they were safe Hermione pressed a piece of parchment into Lily's hand and disappeared.
Remus's POV
How could she do this? He knew how.
Why was she doing this? He knew why.
His mind had turned into mountain of confusion and loss. He was starting to know what Hermione felt like, why she was leaving.
Did she know how much she was hurting him? She must. She wouldn't do this if she didn't know the cost. But how could she? Just the thought of leaving would be like a crime, unthinkable, unbearable.
What had possessed her to do this? Had she been tricked? No, the voice in the letter was definetly Hermione's. It made no sense to him. Despite her changed character, her quieted demeanor, he wouldn't expect this of her. It was completely out of her nature, so different from the person he knew, almost as if she were someone else. Not changed, just someone unfamiliar and unknown.
An owl flew through the window, holding a paper in its beak. Remus grabbed five knuts for it from his desk without a fleeting look at the paper and the owl took off. He opened his paper, lost in thought.
She was killing him. How could he live without his Hermione? He didn't know how he had done it before she had come to him. He had nearly died during the few weeks in their last year at Hogwarts, the ones where he thought he might never see her again.
He glanced down at the paper and turned back to his dazed thoughts for a moment.
But only for a moment.
His eyes returned to the paper. There right in front of him the headline read "HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED ATTACKS POTTERS AND FAILS!" He scanned through the article, the whole paper draining him of emotion. Everything from Lily and James being dead, to little Harry being a hero, all the way down to Sirius being responsible, killed him.
"I know why you left Hermione," he whispered as, for the second time in two days, he slipped into unconsciousness.
Lily's POV
Darkness obscured her vision; she lifted her hand to rub her face. She was so sore. What happened?
Voldemort had come to their house and tried to kill-
Harry!
She sat bolt upright. Harry! Was he okay? Was he alive? Was James? Was she?
Where was she? This didn't look anything like anything she had ever seen before. It was a forest but different from the one on Hogwarts grounds. She could see the sky and the air wasn't thick with secrets and mystery.
What was going on?
She must be alive. She was breathing. Dead people don't breath. At least not according to muggles, who, despite their prejudiced manner, had a few good ideas every now and then. So, she couldn't be dead. Well that was settled, what about James and Harry. Were they alive?
"James," she said. He wasn't alive. She had heard him fall to the ground, she had heard him die. His curses to Voldemort, telling Voldemort that he would never hurt Lily or Harry. Voldemort's cruel laugher. Harry's crying.
"Noticed, have you?" said a voice to her right. She turned. A stag was watching her, a stag with unforgettable brown eyes. A stag that was completely unforgettable.
"James!"
She tried to fling her arms around him but stopped, realizing that she had no arms. In place she had familiar white wings. She stared at them, confused. "What happened?"
"The anti-death charms," said James. "They worked."
"What did they do?" she asked, never really having asked that question.
"They changed our form, forced us into our animagus forms. We can't transform though, now, you're an owl and I'm a deer."
Lily stayed silent for a few moments, taking in this information, trying to understand it. It made no sense but at the same time was so completely insane it sounded right.
"But Harry?" she whispered.
James shook his head. "I don't know."
Lily hung her head, with no idea how to feel or what to think. If Hermione had saved them and not Harry-
She wouldn't think about it. Hermione had Harry; that was all it was.
But why take them away? Why not keep them close?
Because she was Hermione. Lily couldn't figure her out anymore. Her mind was locked up, impossible to comprehend. She had become such a different person since the accident, but this was so unusual, even for her, Lily felt like she didn't know who she was. She was unpredictable.
"Lil, what's that?"
"What?" She followed James's gaze. A piece of parchment lay a few inches to her right. Lily pulled it towards her and read:
Lily and James,
Don't worry about Harry, he's fine. I won't tell you where he is, in case someone finds this before you do, but he's perfectly safe and will be.
You've probably already figured out what I did. I wasn't supposed to do it, but I couldn't stand around and just watch it all happen. Just stay where you are for now. I'll come to you soon.
Hermione
Lily pushed the letter to James. He read it and looked up.
"It's a little weird, isn't it" she said.
"Which part?"
"That's why she said she was leaving. So she wouldn't have to watch it happen. So she wouldn't try to change anything."
"So?"
"That's just what she did."
Sirius's POV (Azkaban)
He had been stupid. It was his fault. If he hadn't suggested switching it, everything would have been fine. Lily and James would be alive, and he wouldn't be sitting in this cell to rot for all eternity. He was guilty of being an idiot.
But that wasn't what they had convicted him of. He was innocent of those charges. Peter had done everything.
Peter. The little rat. He should be the one in this cell, thinking about everything instead of doing whatever the little bastard was. Sirius felt the anger flood him again as he went over it in his mind again. Someday he would get out of there and when he did-
A dementor glided towards his door and stopped, like it was watching him through the bars. Sirius felt sick. The dementor had sensed his anger and wanted to know why. The savage pleasure he had felt at the thought of killing Peter was drained.
Satisfied with what it had done to him, the dementor left, going to torture another prisoner. Sirius leaned against the side of the cell. The cool rock did nothing to stop his pain.
He was stupid, he thought again. He wouldn't waste his energy trying to think about killing Peter. It would make him happy, and that wasn't allowed. There was no way to get out of Azkaban unless he did a deal with the ministry and everyone thought he was crazy. Or they all hated him.
The thought of Remus and Hermione hating him made him want to vomit. It was impossible to think about yet he knew that it had to be true. They would hate him. Unless…
Hermione would have known about this, unless she had changed everything, she knew that this was all going to happen. It was her fault. She hadn't stopped this.
"Damn it, Hermione," he yelled and slammed his fist against the wall. He recoiled at the pain; when he pulled his hand away he saw it was bleeding and there were pieces of rock and glass in it. He gently brushed them off, wincing as it stung. Another dementor glided past.
He couldn't blame it on her anyway. She might not have known any of this. It was completely his fault. She had nothing to do with it. How could he expect her to change so much in their lives?
When she couldn't control what was going on in hers?
Remus's POV
"Remus?"
Remus turned around. He had woken up a few hours before and was sitting at his desk. The room was hot, but he knew how pale he must look to his old headmaster.
"I thought you would have come to Hogwarts," Dumbledore said, walking over to him and taking a seat next to him.
Remus exhaled sharply. "I passed out. Otherwise I would have been there."
Dumbledore nodded, an understanding look on his face. He looked tired like he had been up all night with no rest, working tirelessly and still not achieving what he had worked for.
"Did Sirius really do it Professor?" Remus said, not really expecting an answer.
"You and I both know that Sirius was Lily and James's secret keeper. It had to be him."
"I know," Remus mumbled. "I just can't believe it."
"Neither can I, but it is true."
"How could he?"
Dumbledore sighed exasperatedly. "I've asked myself that question for the past fifteen hours, Remus. I don't know."
"Can I ask him?"
Dumbledore turned to him. "Remus, he's already in Azkaban."
"Already, what about a trial?" asked Remus, shocked.
"They can't have him running around the ministry."
"I know but-"
"Remus didn't you hear?"
"What?"
"He killed Peter this morning. Hardly three hours after Lily and James died."
Hermione's POV
She watched Dumbledore carry the unconscious form of Remus into Hogwarts, a shield on them to protect Remus from the heavy rainfall that was soaking Hermione and the thestrals she was straddling. She gripped her thestral's mane tightly as she squeezed with her knees, telling him to fly. He flew up to the window of the hospital wing, where a few moments later Dumbledore appeared and, with Madam Pomfrey's help, lowered Remus onto a bed.
She listened closely as Dumbledore spoke to the nurse, intent on hearing their conversation.
"I don't understand though. He said he already passed out today. How he could have possibly not have heard the news-."
"I don't know Albus," said Madam Pomfrey, feeling Remus's forehead for a fever. "It's not healthy though. To pass out more than once a day, I mean Passing out itself isn't exactly safe but twice!" She muttered to herself, checking Remus's pulse and so on.
"And I don't understand where Hermione is. I was going to ask him when he passed out," said Dumbledore thoughtfully.
Hermione's stomach twisted unpleasantly, making her feel sick. Dumbledore didn't know? She though Remus would go to Dumbledore first to see if he had seen her.
"You never know with her. One minute a strong willful, if not, stubborn girl, the next, sleeping all day and always wanting to be alone and quiet. It's the war, or it was the war," said Madam Pomfrey.
"I know, it's just odd that something like this happens and she's nowhere. Just strange."
Dumbledore looked directly at her and his eyes widened. Hermione ducked bellow the window sill but it was too late. Dumbledore opened the window and looked at her.
"Hermione, if you want to come in, you can go to the front doors you know," he said jokingly. "I think Minerva will let you in."
Without waiting for an answer, Dumbledore pulled her inside. The thestral she had been riding flew through the rain and back into the forest.
"Hermione where have you been?" said Dumbledore.
"I thought he would have told you," she whispered. Dumbledore shook his head. "I left. Not left, but just get away for a little bit. I picked a bad time I guess, but-"
"It's a perfect time for you," Dumbledore said. "You didn't want to stay. You knew what was going to happen. But what a horrible time to leave Remus. And you knew it."
Hermione looked down, not daring to look Dumbledore in the eye because everything he said was true.
"You don't have to stay," said Dumbledore quietly.
"I know I can't. Not now. It wasn't because I knew what would happen. Well a little bit, but I do need to get away for a bit."
Dumbledore nodded knowledgably. "Say goodbye before you leave." She nodded and walked over to her husband who lay on his back, breathing softly, but otherwise motionless. She bent down and kissed him, not wanting to ever stop because she knew how much it hurt him.
She stood up quickly, trying to stop herself from staying. She turned back to Dumbledore, an apology in her eyes. The old man watched her with no expression she could read.
"I won't tell him you were here," Dumbledore whispered.
"Thank you," Hermione said and she walked silently out of the hospital wing.
Petunia Dursley's POV
Great, just what she needed, Petunia thought as she watched her husband pace. Another boy in the house. As if that wasn't bad enough it was one of those, of she couldn't even think it. One of those freaks.
How could this happen. She had sworn that she would never have anything to do with the Potter's again but here was Lily and that…that boy getting themselves killed and she gets stuck with her freak nephew. Coming in to ruin their perfect life. Oh what a fine day. As if she could be seen associating with that sort in public.
She knew it was impossible to die of shame but Petunia felt she just might, something she had never thought before, as it would be abnormal and not right.
"Well," said Vernon, finally stopping his pacing and looking at her. She realized Vernon looked just as nervous as she felt. But of course, he was doing his best to hide it, something she failed miserably at.
"Yes?" she said, not sure if it was a question or a statement. She bet on question.
"I suppose we'll have to keep him," Vernon said slowly.
"Are you sure darling," she asked, but he shook his head.
"It would be better to do what they want. I wouldn't want any of their type after us," he said in an assuring tone. "And Im sure we could make him normal. With some work." He puffed out his chest importantly. "With some work, we could make him as right as you or me."
"You really think so Vernon?"
"I do indeed," he said.
Petunia smiled at him. He was always so right, so knowledgeable. They were such perfect people.
She went back into to kitchen and started to heat Dudley some milk. Oh, she thought, I suppose I'll have to heat some for that little brat some too. She would have to make double servings now that Harry was here.
Putting the kettle on, Petunia noticed something most peculiar. A large grey dog sat next to the garden wall, watching her. No looking at her. Dogs don't watch. Security dogs might but not this kind of dog.
Come to think about it, she'd never seen a dog like this. It was rather large, almost silver rather than grey. And it just sat there staring at her while she heated the milk. How peculiar.
Vernon came into the room, carrying her son Dudley as if her were a treasure. He beamed at his son, who was yelling for his milk and then Petunia noticed Harry dangling from Vernon's arm. Dudley was put into his highchair, Harry dropped into a simple kitchen table chair. The little black haired boy just stared up at them confused. Despite herself, Petunia felt a speck of sympathy for the boy.
Turning back to the kettle for the boy's milk Petunia noticed the dog was still there. It had rolled onto its back and Petunia could see large teeth that told her quite plainly that this was no dog.
She blinked and the animal was gone. She must be imagining things, though the thought made her ill. Imagination was something that, in her opinion, should be saved for the crooks sitting in prison, dreaming and imagining getting out.
And Petunia Evans Dursley was no crook.
Hermione's POV
One last thing to do today before she could finally get some rest. She would have to check on them. Lily would be going crazy by now.
She just had to check on Harry to tell them he was alright. Confused and hurt, but confused. Besides, Lily would like to know that someone had messed with Petunia's head.
Harry.
What a person he was. He had such an impact on her life and he still could change it. She had loved him once; at one time he might have been Remus, but she knew it could not be true. Remus was hers and always would be.
How threatened Remus always had been by Harry. At the mere mention of his name Remus would stiffen, even though he wasn't even born. Even after his birth, her husband had been so wary of the baby, as if Hermione would switch her love from him to the infant.
She knew he had been scared when she had gone back. Scared that she would forget about him and love another.
"Hermione why?" said Harry.
"I can't Harry. I just, feel differently."
"Hermione what's really wrong?"
"Nothing, I just need to be myself."
Harry hung his head for a minute and then whispered "What's his name?"
"What?" she said.
"It's obvious you've met someone else, what's his name?"
"There's no one else," she said even though there was. "I just-"
"You don't have reason, that means you have someone lese, you've been cheating on me."
"No it doesn't Harry!" she shouted, getting frustrated. He looked taken aback at her sudden anger. "You just don't trust me! That's why! You don't really care!"
"Hermione I care."
"No you don't! Not really!" She stormed upstairs, hating herself for lying, but hating him more for not believing her. For insisting she was lying.
Or maybe just because he wasn't Remus.
Oh the weeks without Remus she had suffered. She'd hated it, wanting to be free, almost wanting to love Harry to rid herself from the pain.
As she stood up to go back to the common room, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Dumbledore stood behind her. Finally pleased to see a reminder of her life in the past, she smiled. "Yes Professor?"
Dumbledore smiled back at her. "If you could just come up to my office for a few minutes, I'd like a word with you, Miss Lupin," he whispered with a twinkle in his eyes.
She followed Dumbledore and within a few short minutes they were both seated on either sides of the now very familiar desk in the headmaster's office. "So, I trust everything has been alright since your return?"
"Yes, I was a little shaken from the landing, but it was fine."
"I'm sure that you are anxious to see Remus?"
"yes,' she said, a little too eagerly and sitting forward in her chair. "Yes, I would sir," she said in apology.
Dumbledore chuckled. "I realize that you're excited, but Remus is currently on a mission for the Order. He will not be back for a while." Hermione felt the bubble of hope that had swelled in her chest pop at this news. "I'm sorry to say I can't tell you the address at which he may be contacted, but you can give the letters to me. The last I saw him, he was looking forward to your return."
Hermione smiled, knowing that he was waiting. Her life had taken a pleasant turn with this news of Remus."
But Remus needn't worry. He knew she wouldn't have. Although know that she had left he might think-
No she had told him she wouldn't in the note. Oh damn, all these thoughts ran through her brain and not one of them made sense to her.
I've been looking for you for so many long years
And now that I've found you I remember all my tears
In the darkness I would hide from all my fears
I don't know who you are
I don't know why I cared
I know that somehow you keep me from being scared-from Hideaway
So I have slaved away again to give you a chapter and this particular chapter (Posted originally June 20, 2005) marks the end of my JR High years! This is my celebration, finally posting this chapter! I expect LOTS of reviews! Yep I know it's short, but I had so many difficulties with this chapter. I've rewritten some parts entirely just to get it to the length it's at but I have no choice to post now otherwise you'll all hate me.
Okay tell me what you think I want to know!
Replies:
Wingsister: Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it! I was scared people wouldn't like it since it's so different!
Genevieve: Yes depressing, but does that mean you didn't like it? (PLZ no)
Charmaine: But do you like it?
Kalema: I know, but do you like it, or is it way to depressing? I hope this chapter is less.
Lonelyfairy: Thanx. Are some of your questions answered?
Black-rose23: Yes I think you mentioned you love me, I love your energy! (Any chance you live in NH? People seem to do a lot of "I love you's here, including myself)
colorofangels: I know this isn't exactly soon, but I'm glad you liked it!
FredWeasleyLover1126: I'm glad you liked it! Thank you!
Kaydeek: sorry about the length (busted my fingers trying to get it this long). Yes Hermione and Remus will stay together, but that won't be for a while.
Chinka: It won't be all depressing angst (I hope). There will be happy parts! This chapter was less depressing right?
Lucinda: This chapter was better right? RIGHT?
Saphira Silverflame: love your new name Jen, and yes it's sad but I'm glad you like it.
OddBallOut: Yes, anti-death charms! Don't you love 'em?
Elle DeVarquez: Thank you, I love your praise. I hope this one is better than the last. I love getting opinions on the lyrics! Thanks!
siriusly lupine: I'm glad you like the lyrics, besides you and Elle DeVarquez, I've gotten no praise on them. I appreciate it.
So, please don't kill me for the length. Or the depression. Remus's mood will stay pretty much depressed though the story, but that's about it. It will be another few chapters but there will be more Sirius, and of course there will be Hermione's and more memories. Soon, (one or two chapters) you will find out why Hermione became so depressed.
Next Chapter: Lost
About ten years are going to be crammed into the next chapter although most of the stuff will be in 1981. Throughout the chapter however there will be POV's flashing back and forth through time, so look when I change a POV, it will have a year, so you know what you're reading.
POLL!
In every chapter should I have a Hermione/Remus encounter? Like they mysteriously run into each other? I've got a couple of them, spread throughout chapters, and I just wanted to know if you wanted one each time, nothing to really change the plot, but enough to put in more angst and lengthier chapters. Tell me what you think!
Till next time, I'm signing off (salutes all readers)
La Chica Perfecta
P.S. For anyone who doesn't know (and you are a very sad person if you don't) my new name means "the perfect girl". Well, actually "the girl perfect" but Spanish grammar is weird (in my opinion) and they put the subject before the adjective, so there you go.
P.P.S. REVIEW!