Super-size Nine's Notes (with fries!):

Scribbles Editor: Yes, root beer is the best, but not the kind Zack had. How do I know? Because the only good root beer comes in bottles.

Dalamar Nightson: It's good to know that my sense of comic timing is progressing. I need to start writing David-Ives-esque stage plays!

The Replacements, as well as Lux et Veritas, will be on hiatus whilst I am on a lovely SCUBA vacation in Florida. Feynman will likely remain at home, but if I have paper and roughly eight free travel hours (between planes and traveling to dive sites), my astounding powers of 70 WPM will have at least one new chapter for both up on Wednesday.

Public Service Announcement- go learn to dive. It's the most fun physical activity ever, there's so little actual exertion that Raistlin could do it (that is, until he hacks up blood into the regulator), and it burns calories like crazy. Like crazy being defined as "eating real fast food without guilt".

Also, I'm neutral about Raistlin/Dalamar slash. If the portrayal's good (i.e. Skull Bearer) I like. If the portrayal's bad, I'm known to immolate, taking the fic with me. So don't stone me.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dragonlance.

"So, um, er, shalafi…" Xan was still not used to being Dalamar. It also didn't help that 'Raistlin' was actually her slightly addled friend Zack, who Realization had hit on the back of the head a few too many times. "Where did you say we were going?"

"To conquer something! MUAHAHAHA!" For some reason, the evil laugh didn't work coming from a blond college freshman wearing generic khakis.

"Yes, shalafi…" Xan pulled up the hood of her mage robes. She made a far more credible Dalamar when she was concealed beneath the black velvet- even if it was dreadfully hot.

Why they'd chosen her to be the replacement Dalamar, she had no idea. She was a college student from Kalamazoo! A fencer, a fighter, an intellectual- and a woman! The fighter's spirit and intellectual nature did make her feel close to Dalamar. But you'd never see Dalamar wielding a rapier with the sheer beauty and precision she put into her epee work.

"Do you have any idea what we're going to conquer?"

"No."

Xan sighed, then whispered, "Aketay ustay otay aay aceply orfay imhay otay onquercay." She had no idea how Dalamar used magic, but speaking in Pig Latin seemed to have magical effects.

They zipped out of existence and back in again.

"That- is perfect!" Zack exclaimed, brandishing the Staff of Magius.

Xan looked down over the ledge. "We're conquering this?"

"Why not? It looks really pathetic, so it'll be a great warm-up! And it's already half-destroyed!"

"I do not believe I'm doing this…" Xan shook her head. "Yes, shalafi."

She had read enough Dragonlance to know what she was doing. She was descending into the ruins of the ruins of Xak Tsaroth. She also knew that, if anything had survived, they'd be in trouble. "Iay ishway Iay adhay aay apierray." She held the rapier solidly in her hand. "Zack, conjure up a weapon or something-"

He leapt off the ridge. "Damnit! He can't use the staff-"

"Dalamar! Get down here now!"

"Oh, I didn't know that the featherfall power was automatic." Xan shrugged. "Fvtherfall!" she'd somehow known that was the right incantation, so she landed lightly next to Zack.

"Dalamar, where did you get that rapier?" The OKCA voice came out of nowhere.

"I magicked it up." Xan said. "Problem?"

"Mages aren't proficient in the use of rapiers."

"Well, I am. And you tolerate him walking around acting like a complete idiot, totally out of character! At least I'm being wary and hyper-intelligent!"

"Um… er… shut up!"

"Right." Xan followed Zack into the ruins of the ruins of Xak Tsaroth.

The ruins of the ruins seemed empty and damp.

"Wow! This place will be so easy to conquer! It's empty and damp!" Zack exclaimed.

He walked on, but Xan stopped. "Shalafi… I think you're going to want to see this…"

"Stop talking! I'm more powerful than you!"

"But shalafi…"

"I'm not listening…"

Xan frowned. She knew what she saw- fresh footprints. Small, fresh footprints. She held her rapier at the ready.

She'd only turned away for a moment when she heard a blood-curdling scream.

"Shalafi!" Taking her rapier in hand, she ran forward. She brandished the slender blade, and laughed, but was not surprised, to see a gully dwarf clinging to the leg of Zack's generic khakis.

"OK, you wretch, let go of me before my apprentice runs you through!" Zack swatted at the creature with the Staff of Magius.

The gully dwarf seemed oblivious to the fact that Xan's rapier's point was resting on her stomach just above the kidneys. "Pretty man came back!"

"Gods, don't tell me this is-"

"Bupu missed you so much!"

"Xan, now is a great time for the running through thing…"

Xan laughed. "Now who's more powerful?"

"I swear, I'm going to figure out how Raistlin cast that spell on Dalamar that imprinted his hand in his chest and do it to you!" Zack snapped. "That is, as soon as I get this thing off of me!" He began to shake his leg vigorously.

"Hi there!" Xan bent down. "My name's normally Xan, but for now you should call me Dalamar."

"You have pretty sword."

"Thank you, I conjured it up myself." Xan said. "You're Bupu, right?"

"Yes!" the gully dwarf wrapped around Zack's leg said. "Pretty man look better. Lizard cure works every time!"

"Lizard cure?" Zack looked confused. This wasn't very far from his normal expression.

Xan coughed, "Don't ask."

"Dalamar sick?" the gully dwarf, somehow not letting go of Zack's leg, pulled a mummified lizard out of a ratty bag. "Wear around neck. Make cough better."

"Er… no thanks… just had something stuck in my throat…" Xan looked like she might lose her lunch.

"Get this thing off me!" Zack wailed.

"Me take you to see Highbulp!" Bupu said. "Will be happy to see pretty man and Dalamar!"

"Yeah, but will we be happy to see him?"

Bupu ignored Xan and dragged Zack along by the leg of his generic khakis.

He turned around and gave her a pleading look. "Please don't leave me alone with this thing!"

"Admit my superiority!"

"Never!"

"Have fun with the Highbulp…"

"akemay alamarday ollowfay emay!"

"I hate you." Xan growled as the spell compelled her to follow.

"Now who's superior?" Zack laughed.

"Why don't you cast a spell to make the gully dwarf leave you alone, then?"

"akemay upubay eavelay emay aloneay!"

Zack was blasted backwards, colliding with Xan.

"What the hell-"

"The real Raistlin cast the charming spell that made her act like this. I don't think we're able to break it!"

"Is pretty man alright?"

"I'll be alright as soon as you leave me alone!" Zack said under his breath.

The gully dwarf dragged them through the ruins until they reached a structure that should have been condemned fifteen years before the real Dalamar was born. "Remember Highbulp's palace, pretty man?"

Zack made a non-committal noise.

"Is better! We took shiny rocks from dragon! Very pretty! Now wait here, in Waiting Place! I will go get Highbulp!"

The gully dwarf went up to the door, and after some argument about how many times she'd knocked, was allowed to enter.

"I don't like this." Zack said.

"I like it no better." Xan replied. "Let's get some spells ready that won't interfere with the spell the real Raistlin cast on Bupu."

"I wish we were back in the Tower?"

"That won't help us find Raistlin or Dalamar. Why not, 'Bring to me a dragon'?"

"Bring to me Cyan Bloodbane!" Zack giggled. "Why not?"

"That's not bad…" Xan nodded approvingly. Then, she turned her head. "opstay upay atthay olehay!"

"Your eyes are better than mine." Zack said. "I didn't see that hole until you stopped it up."

"We'll be called in soon." Xan pulled up her hood. "ivegay ackZay aay ewnay etsay ofay obesray."

The black velvet swirled around Zack's body. "Very nice. Less obvious than generic khakis." He pulled up his own hood.

"So, now who's superior?"

"I'm still the Master of Past and Present!"

"No! You're still his understudy!"

"Highbulp will see you now!" Bupu poked her head out of the door.

As soon as she entered, Xan dropped her rapier and clapped her hands over her eyes. "This is a travesty!"

"Thank you!" The Highbulp said.

"Thank Nuitari for small vocabularies." Zack said. "Yeah, it's me, Raistlin Majere. I came to conquer your pathetic excuse for a city!"

"Bupu said you came to be with her forever!"

"No! I never said that!" Zack panicked.

"No trust you." The Highbulp said. "Trust Bupu. You will be with her forever? Yes? Anyone say no?"

"Apprentice! I hate Raistlin/Dalamar slash, but… SAVE ME!"

Xan snatched up her rapier and ran through the carpet of gemstones. "I object!"

"Great, now what are you going to do?"

"He's mine." She stood between Zack and the gully dwarves, thinking, 'Thank God I took a theater class'. "Stand back, or else I'll blow this joint."

Bupu began to wail. "Not true! Pretty man mine!"

"I think you aren't convincing them…" Zack whispered in her ear.

Xan turned and delivered a full-on stage kiss.

"Believe me now?" Xan grinned wickedly. "ingbray otay emay yancay oodbaneblay- anday armchay imhay!"

The green dragon crashed through the room. "How may I be of service?"

"Get us the hell out of here!" Zack made a flying leap to the dragon's back, and Xan followed behind him.

The dragon flew off, leaving Bupu to become Krynn's first anti-gay protestor out of jealousy.

"Damn… my girlfriend will never let me hear the end of this."

"All you have to do is not tell her." Xan shrugged. "And since when do you have a girlfriend?"

"Recent development." Zack shrugged. "Her name's Christina- Chris for short- Aniya."

"Chris Aniya?" Xan raised an eyebrow. "That is the weirdest coincidence." She paused.

"You're about to say something, aren't you?"

"Wherever Raistlin and Dalamar are, they're definitely embarrassed for us now."