Nine's Notes:

Well, I never expected my hiatus to last for the entire first quarter. However, it's now done, so here's The Replacements!

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In the ruins of the ruins of Xak Tsaroth, a very improbable creature cursed at Xan and Zack as they made their escape.

Just how improbable was this creature? It looked like the issue of a sphinx, a dragon, and a roc. It had leathery dragon wings, but also white-feathered roc wings. Its body was that of a lion, with the exception of its legs- the forelegs were dragon talons, the rear legs were that of a roc- and its human face had a rather distinctive bulbous nose.

His very existence was against all laws of biological inheritance, biochemistry, and biomedical physics. In fact, his very existence was 100 improbable. However, to the creature, that seemed almost normal.

You see, this creature was Deuce X. Machina, and he was a deus ex machina- the living embodiment of improbability. Deuce, as well as his sister Dulcimer X. Machina, was in charge of clearing away natural laws so that the improbable could happen. Some of their finest work had been done during Raistlin Majere's attempt to ascend to godhood- Dulcimer, in particular, had been responsible for manipulating Crysania's mind so that she believed Raistlin could be trusted, which was a level 7 improbability. Of course, in this little pocket of spacetime, it hadn't yet occurred, but the very improbability surrounding the deus ex machinas makes time arbitrary.

However, the level 7 improbability Dulcimer would iron out seemed as nothing to Deuce, particularly compared to what the two replacements were putting him through. The arrival of Cyan Bloodbane had been a level 9 improbability (99 improbable or greater), involving Transcendence of Free Will, Massive Alteration of Spacetime Position, and the Specific Creature Clause. In other words, it was damn close to impossible. What was even worse was that Dulcimer had just left for a two-week vacation in Tuscany, and Deuce was left to manage these incredible improbabilities on his own.

The way Deuce saw it, there was only one logical course of action. He had to find Raistlin and Dalamar and return them to Krynn.

Suddenly, his improbability sense tingled. Deuce spread his two sets of wings and flew after Cyan and the replacements. They were undoubtedly creating more improbabilities, and he had to iron them out.

---

"So, you two are replacements for Dalamar and Raistlin." Cyan said as he flew over the plains. "Who and what are you normally?"

"I'm normally Xan Johansen." She said. "I'm a physics student at Kalamazoo College, in Kalamazoo, Michigan."

"Damn it!" Cyan irritably snorted chlorine gas, which made Zack pass out onto Xan.

Xan shifted Zack's weight to a more comfortable point on her back, then asked, "What's wrong?"

"I made a bet with Skie that Kalamazoo wasn't a real place! Now I owe him five humans and a priceless star sapphire!" he groaned. "And why didn't you collapse from my breath weapon?"

"I had a summer job at a chem lab. Nothing seems bad after you get a sidestream of formaldehyde." She did her best to shrug with Zack weighing down her back. "I've got a plan, though. You give me that sapphire, and I'll say that I go to the University of Michigan."

"Not a bad plan…" Cyan nodded. "It's a deal. I never really liked sapphires anyway."

"Sweet! My tuition is now paid for!" Xan did a little dance, then realized that she shouldn't have been able to do so with Zack on her back, so she stopped. "So… where are you taking us?"

"I'll let you off at the edge of the plains." He said. "My schedule's packed, I barely managed to fit the time in to pick you two up."

Cyan offered Xan a PDA, and she took it. "Wow, you are busy… you're already running into your 'terrorize the populace' appointment." She handed it back. "We wouldn't want to keep you from that."

"If you want to revive the replacement Raistlin, I'll let you off outside of this forest." Cyan said. "Here."

He landed just outside of the forest, on top of a burrow of small mouse-like animals. This is widely credited with the sudden extinction of the extremely small remaining population of "small Krynnish mouse-like animals that live just outside of forests".

Zack fell off Cyan's back to the ground. "Ouch." He said. "The skylight's purple…"

"Oh good, he's back to normal." Xan said and leapt nimbly to the ground.

"Thank you! Have some root beer!" Zack offered Cyan a can of A+W.

"What? I take time out in my busy schedule to save you from a tribe of gully dwarves and you give me canned root beer?" Cyan looked insulted.

"What's wrong with canned root beer?" Zack raised an eyebrow, then opened the can and quaffed the root beer.

"Everyone knows that the best root beer is microbrewed and bottled!" the dragon exclaimed.

"Cyan, you are a dragon after my own heart." Xan said. "ivegay yanCay aay ottlebay ofay IBCay ootray eerbay!"

"Hmm, not bad." Cyan said approvingly, drinking the bottle of IBC. "If you're ever in Silvanesti, I demand tribute from a very nice little microbrewery there."

"Sorry, I don't think I'll be there." Xan shrugged. "The dark elf thing."

"Ah." Cyan moved his wings in a way that could only be described as shrugging. "Well, I'm late for my appointment. I'll get that sapphire to you later."

As the dragon lifted off, Zack raised an eyebrow and said, "Did that dragon have a BlackBerry?"

"Yeah." Xan said. "Kind of pathetic. He's on a fantasy world and he has a better PDA than I do."

"I don't even have a PDA, and I'm a member of the bourgeois!" Zack whined.

"That's because the intelligentsia are the coolest! And don't argue, what do you think mages are?"

"So that's why you're Dalamar! Both of you moved from the proletariat to the intelligentsia!"

"Yeah, but you just became more of a bourgeois pig!"

"Proletariat scum!"

"Intelligentsia!"

"When did we wander into this really evil-looking tree-y place?" Zack asked.

Xan hid behind him. "Bastard! He let us off outside of Darken Wood!"

"Shirak!" Zack lifted the Staff in the air. Astoundingly, it actually lit up. "Yes! I become more superior by the moment!"

"No more custard." Xan said, relieved. "But you're still not superior."

"Oh really?"

"I dare you to try and prove otherwise."

"I'll… I'll…" Zack suddenly stopped. "I'm bored." He threw a lightning bolt, which killed a few hundred thousand airborne bacteria. "OK, back to the power struggle! Er… Xan… I said back to the power struggle…"

By this time, Xan had been quivering on the forest floor for three minutes. "Undead… guardians… fear… aura…"

"Oh." Zack looked around at the gathering undead guardians. "Hello. My name's Raistlin. How are you today?"

"Raistlin?" The undead guardians stopped. "You look different."

"I like what you've done with your hair!"

"Oh good, your eyes are back to normal. They were kind of creepy."

"Wow, I wish my moisturizer would do such a good job getting rid of shine…"

"I feel flattered, thanks." Zack preened.

"Why are you giving off an intense aura of evil?"

"They're wearing Black Robes, you idiot! They ARE evil!"

The undead guardians surrounded them, glaring at them threateningly.

"Eep." Zack said.

---

A smartly dressed human stood in front of a green screen in a TV studio. "Can we please finish this up? My sister's husband's cousin's dog's birthday is today…"

"Be patient, Mr. Howe." The director said. "The Knights of Solamnia are paying both of us handsomely for this, remember."

"Right." The lawyer straightened his tie and took a deep breath.

"And… ACTION!"

"Attention all Knights of Solamnia. Has your armor been damaged by the recent epidemic of falling custard? Have you suffered emotional trauma?" The lawyer said. "There is a class-action lawsuit established against Raistlin Majere. If you are a Knight of Solamnia and have been effected by the falling custard, send word to the Law Firm of Wee, Cheetum, and Howe in the lordcity of Palanthas."

"CUT!" The director shouted. "Wonderful! I'll just get this edited, and it'll be on the airwaves by morning."

One of the grips looked up. "Wait a minute. Since when do we have TV on Krynn?"

---

Zack stood over Xan. It wasn't out of any desire to protect her- it was simply because there really was nowhere else to stand.

"Why couldn't I be Par-Salian's replacement?" Zack whined.

Xan made a whimpering noise.

"Alright, besides the fact that I'm an evil bastard!" he replied.

The undead guardian's hand reached towards Zack's heart, and he screamed like a little girl.

Suddenly, the guardians retreated. One by one, they disappeared…

Xan stood, still shivering. "What happened?"

"Beats me." Zack shrugged. "But, we're alive!"

Xan tilted her head to one side. "I hear hoofbeats."

"You're crazy."

"Zack, this is no time for arguing." Xan snatched the hood of his robe and dragged him behind a tree.

A herd of My Little Ponies galloped into the clearing.

"Star Swirl! I thought I heard voices!" a cute little pony with a heart tattooed on its butt whinned.

"Shut up, Love Child!" Star Swirl, a muscular My Little Pony with a swirly star tattooed on her rump, bitch-slapped the cute pony. "This is Darken Wood! No one comes in here to speak."

"Except for the beer salesman…" a dazed-eyed pony with balloons on her butt said while drinking out of her flask.

"Yes, Ballooney…" a pony with a rainbow on its butt said, stroking her in a rather disturbing way.

"Rainbow Pride! Do you want those psychotic gully dwarves coming after us again?" Star Swirl pulled out her trusty knife and waved it around. "Keep your lesbian urges to yourself!"

"Nuitari…" Xan said, eyes wide. "It's Darken Wood's guardian herd of dysfunctional My Little Ponies!"

"Ponies!" Zack said and ran toward them. He hugged Rainbow Pride around the neck. "I… love… PONIES!"

The pony looked suddenly shocked. "A man… just… touched… me. A man… just… hugged… me. A MAN JUST HUGGED ME! EEWWW EEWWW GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" Rainbow Pride began wildly bucking and running in circles.

Xan ran out from behind the tree. "Zack! You bloody idiot- eep."

Star Swirl held her knife to Xan's throat. "Where do you think you're going, little girl?"

"First, I'm not a girl, at least I'm not supposed to be on Krynn. I'm Dalamar Nightson."

"Then you're evil and I have to kill you."

"Um… well, actually, I'm not really evil, I just the evil guy's understudy. Check my alignment! Seriously! I'm only chaotic neutral!"

"She's right!" Love Child whinnied. Ballooney broke out the vodka and began forcing it down her throat.

"I don't care."

Just as Star Swirl was about to slit Xan's throat, Zack- still clinging to Rainbow Pride- swung around and knocked the pony aside.

"Zack! Come on!"

"I can't! I'm being swung around by a My Little Pony!"

"Let go!"

"Oh." Zack let go. His excess centripetal acceleration sent him flying, taking Xan with him.

In the middle of flying, Zack looked in the pockets of his robes. "Hey! Peanuts!" he began to eat them.

"Zack! We're flying without benefit of a fly spell or wings! What does that mean?"

"In-flight snacks?"

"No!" Xan pulled out a large chalkboard and drew a parabola. Pointing to one end, she said, "This is where the My Little Pony threw you." Pointing to the top, she said, "This is where the constant gravitational acceleration causes our y-velocity to be zero. THAT means-"

"In-flight movies?"

"NO! We're going to hit the-"

"Ooh, what's that brown flat thing?"

"GROUND!"

"I wonder if it'll be friends with me?"

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Well, I hope you haven't all abandoned me. I'll be updating Lux et Veritas soon as well, so keep your eyes peeled!