Nine's Notes:

More random fun with Zack and Xan. I just want to write more because this week, I'll be seeing Alex- the inspiration for Zack- for the first time in four months!

DISCLAIMER: Monty Python isn't mine. Shame, that.

---

In the middle of Qualinesti, a blackboard was sticking out of a deep impact crater.

A random ranger came up to the crater. "Strange. This wasn't here yesterday." He looked into the crater. "Chislev and Zivilyn! Black mages!"

Zack groaned and rolled over. "Dalamar… the ground isn't very friendly…"

"They're alive!" With swiftness, he brought the flats of his blades across their heads.

"That wasn't friendly either…" Zack said, and lapsed back into unconsciousness.

---

When Xan came to, she was in a cell. Her rapier was gone, and there was no sign of Zack.

An elf came up to her cell. "How dare you trespass on our lands, dark elf?"

"Well, it's a long story, but the essence of it is that it's not my fault." Xan said. "I'm betting you won't let me go now?"

The elf glared at her, and Xan sighed.

"Well, you see, my name's Xan Johansen, and I'm the replacement Dalamar after Cher…"

---

"When I heard that the Random Ranger patrol brought you in, Raistlin, I sent for you right away." Laurana said.

"Um… thanks… I guess…" Zack said, looking around.

"Tanis was particularly interested in your return. He was just sewing a sampler, he'll be down soon." She offered him a cup. "Hot water? I remember you always needed your tea-"

"Eh, I'll pass… cough's been improving and all…" Zack reached down into the pocket of his generic khakis and pulled out a can of rootbeer. "So, where's Xan- er, I mean Dalamar?"

"Oh, he's in the dungeon. He's going to be executed- dark elf, you know. Macaroon?"

---

"That's a wonderful story and all. But I don't believe you."

"I thought so." Xan shrugged and sat down. "Could I have a chalkboard?"

"What? What terrible arcane abomination are you trying to inflict on the Qualinesti?"

"Not arcane. Physics. I'd like to review the implications of the light cone in Lorentz transformations and Einsteinian velocity transformation."

The elf looked left. The elf looked right.

"WITCH! BURN HER!"

"Wait, if I'm a witch, then I can't be Dalamar, because he's a he and he'd be a wizard. That means I'm not Dalamar, therefore I can't be a dark elf."

The elf glared at her.

"DARK ELF! BURN HIM!"

Xan sighed. This was not going as planned, and she still hadn't studied for her physics test. "The OKCA had better compensate me for this…" she muttered as she was dragged out of the cell.

---

"Wait a minute, you're going to execute Xan- er, Dalamar?"

"Yes, of course. It's the standard punishment for a dark elf returning to elven lands." Laurana said calmly. "You really must try the cucumber sandwiches. They're delectable."

"OK." Zack took one of the finger sandwiches and bit into it. "You're right, they're quite nice. But getting back to the executing-Xan thing."

"Raistlin!" Tanis exploded into the room and embraced Zack in a way that would be better described as crushing. "Where have you been for the past few years? You didn't come to my wedding, you haven't been answering my calls, we've never gotten a Christmas card-"

"GET OFF ME!" Zack freaked.

"And the private investigators all turned up dead, and the cameras I had installed in the Tower of High Sorcery all malfunctioned-"

"GGGGGGGEEEEETTTT OFFFFFF!" Zack caterwauled.

"My word. He just caterwauled." Laurana said, then went back to drinking her tea as if her husband wasn't clinging to a Black Robe.

Tanis reluctantly let go of Zack. "Why, Raistlin, why? After all of the triumphs and tribulations we shared as Heroes of the Lance, and you don't even take the time to sign your name on a piece of card and magic it here at Christmastime? Why? Why?"

Zack took another cucumber sandwich and chewed it thoughfully. "Maybe because you're a whiny brat."

"Oh." Tanis said. "My life is suddenly clearer." Then he ate a macaroon. "Since you've taken so much trouble to crash in Qualinesti and get captured to come and see us, is there anything we can do for you?"

"Yes, now that you mention it…"

---

Xan pouted as best as she could while being led around tied up in some platinum chain that was probably worth enough to pay for her tuition three times over. "This is unjust, irrational, illogical, and just plain wrong!"

"Dark elf."

"I told you, I'm not a dark elf! I'm a physics student!"

The elf paused. "Dark elf."

"Is that the only thing you can say?"

"Dark elf."

"Oh, come on. Try me. How about 'mother-fucking dark elf'? Or 'E'li-forsaken dark elf'? Or maybe just 'stupid dark elf''?" Being wrapped up in a chain and being paraded down the street was not doing wonders for Xan's temper. "Try me!"

"Dark elf."

"ARE YOU ALL IDIOTS?"

"Dark elf."

Xan seethed. "Great. Just great. I'm about to be burned at the stake, and the last conversation I get to have is with some brain-dead moron who can only say 'dark elf'!"

"Dark elf."

---

"This traitor to the elves stands accused of worshipping Nuitari, and having the audacity to return to our lands!" yet another random elf said. "And, as for such, they will be burned at the stake!"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Zack came running up. "I, Raistlin Majere, who am obviously superior to all of you cretins, object!"

"But… it's a dark elf. You burn dark elves. It's like, required."

"How do you know she's a dark elf?" Laurana raised an eyebrow. "She doesn't have pointy ears." She then returned to eating cucumber sandwiches.

"Um… we'll have to logic it out!" Tanis said brightly. "Well… let's see. What burns?"

"Dark elf!" The elf that had led Xan to the stake said.

"Besides dark elves." Tanis said.

"Um… wood!" a slightly more intelligent elf said.

"What does wood do?" Tanis asked.

"BURN!"

"Float!" Laurana said, giving an elven child a glass of root beer with ice cream in.

"Exactly!" Tanis said. "I love you for your brains, Laurana."

"What?" Laurana said, and sipped her tea. "Oh, wait, yes, I love you too."

"What else floats?"

"A duck!" Zack exclaimed and ran off to chase after the previously mentioned animal.

"Exactly! So, if she weighs more than a duck, she isn't a dark elf!"

"Dark elf!"

"STOP!" Xan yelled.

"Quark quark?" the duck said.

"A quantum duck!" Zack ran after the duck, which was unfortunately there and not there at same time (much like Zack's brain).

"I REFUSE to die in a bad parody of a Monty Python movie!" Xan tried to stamp her foot, but she was bound by the chain.

"Then we'll just have to burn you."

"ZACK! HEEEEEELP!"

"What? What happened?" Zack looked around, completely forgetting about the quantum duck. "Xan, did you know that you're on fire?"

"Ouch, ouch, YES DAMNIT!"

"Then why aren't you doing anything about it?"

"Maybe because I'M TIED UP!"

"How'd that happen?"

"Are you insane?"

"Yes, actually."

"They've spent the last ten minutes re-creating the witch burning from Monty Python and the Holy Grail!"

"Oh. That's a really good movie." Zack said.

Xan attempted to do an anime-style fall, but she was tied up (if you'll pardon the pun). "Just get me down from here!"

"OK." Zack looked left. Zack looked right. Xan burned merrily.

"Um… Laurana, any chance you'll let her down?"

"No. More tea?"

"Um… Tanis, any chance you'll let her down?"

"No…"

"I'll send you a Christmas card…"

"Really?" Tanis' eyes lit up.

"And an anniversary card, and I'll send Gilthas birthday cards…"

"LET HER GO!" Tanis shouted.

"Dark elf…" the elf said in a disappointed manner.

Xan immediately stopped, dropped, and rolled. This left her with charred and not-quite together robes.

"DARK ELF!" the addled elf put a pair of censor boxes onto her body.

"Zack, you bastard, give me three good reasons I shouldn't cut you down where you stand-"

"One, I'm pretty. Two, Laurana won't give you any cucumber sandwiches. Three, you're wearing nothing but censor boxes."

"Ah…" Xan said, then eyed the censor boxes nervously. "Anyone want to give me clothes?"

---

"Nice to meet you Dalamar! Nice to see you Raistlin! I'll be waiting for your card!" Tanis waved cheerily as Zack and Xan walked away.

"Thank you… bye." Xan glared at the elven nation and tried to make some sense of her mangled and burned hair.

Zack dug through the picnic hamper Laurana had packed for them. "Hmm… we've got bread and butter, and cake, and cucumber sandwiches, and tea… weren't the elves nice? Much friendlier than that Ground person…"

Xan rubbed more ointment on her magically healing third-degree burns. "Yes, I was impressed with their warm welcome. And I never got my rapier back."

"But they gave you such a nice new black robe!"

"It has MOTH HOLES in it!"

"Haven't you heard? Deconstructed is in…"

"This is just a shade above the censor boxes." Xan commented. "And deconstructed is silly anyhow. Why buy something that's already worn out?"

"Because it's in!" Zack protested.

"Says the one wearing generic khakis and a Duke t-shirt!"

"That's in too!"

"Right. Keep telling yourself that." Xan grabbed Zack's wrist. "Well, Tanis couldn't tell us anything. Let's go look for them in Tarsis."

"Look for who?"

"Raistlin and Dala- ah, why do I bother?" Xan sighed.

And so, our heroes continued on their search for Raistlin and Dalamar.

---

Deuce neatly packaged the cucumber sandwiches he'd confiscated from the elves and posted them back to The Importance of Being Earnest, where they belonged. He'd already filled in the impact crater, cleaned up the burning stake, and erased the physics formulae off of Xan's blackboard.

"Back to normal." He declared, then sat heavily on the ground, folding his two pairs of wings.

"QUARK QUARK!"

"Oh no! The quantum duck!" Deuce ran off, looking (or not looking) for the errant duck.