Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf.

Chapter 5

"She wasn't posting? Aww... what a shame. All her fans missed out on some fine quality writing until now," Isabel drawled when she read the Author's Note.

"Has she ever heard of commas? And Elrond wouldn't call Mirkwood Mirkwood! He'd call it... whatever other elves would call it!" Seeing Isabel's raised eyebrows, she blushed and said defensively, "So I need to brush up on my Elvish!"

"…Alright…" Isabel would have continued, but she was distracted by the story (and a random Shiny Thing). "Ooh… shiny… wait – how did Elrond know she knew of Legolas? And who the HELL are Hlisolf, Ling, and Salibaf?" Her eye twitched. "We need to kill them too… can't leave any creation alive." Twitch. Twitch. She reached around to her bag and pulled out The Encyclopedia of Poisonous Foliage for the Intrepid Woodsman. "There's got to be something in here…"

"Umm... I really don't want to kill elves, even if they were created by 'Sues. Could we recruit them, maybe?" Myth's mouth was contorted into a somewhat... unusual shape.

"I like that a lot better than my idea. I don't like killing Elves either." Isabel flipped through a few more pages, folded a corner down, and put the book away.

"So, how should we go about doing this? Do we conk them over the head and toss them through a portal that leads to somewhere secure? Or do we knock them out with some herby-thingee and toss them into my bag..."

Isabel's eyes lit up with evil glee. "I think I know just the thing..." She moved from the pillar they were behind to the next one and spread out her gizmos. She flipped open her Encyclopedia, scanned the list of ingredients, and dug through her bag.

She pulled out some bottles and numerous plastic bags, and went to work with a mortar and pestle.
There was a loud 'BANG!' some moments later, and she reappeared next to Myth, slightly singed but holding a bowl full of pasty pea-colored slop.

"If this doesn't work, I'll eat my fifth Harry Potter book. Sans A-1."

"A-1?"

"A-1 steak sauce. It's a beautiful thing. Oh look, Elrond's pulling a Dumbledore 'Let the feast begin!'"

"I knew that. Really, I did."

"Oooh... Bilbo's singing. Wanna sneak closer and listen?"
"Sure." They did so, and less than a minute later: "I'm not entirely certain if that's a real song, but it's not incredibly terrible..."

Isabel smiled softly. "No, it's not." She closed her eyes and just listened. For a second, she was able to pretend that this was the actual Lord of the Rings canon, that the real characters were in front of her and not the horrid facsimiles presented by the 'Sue. Isabel was in a sort of trance for approximately twenty seconds after Bilbo finished. Then Myth began making noises that sounded remarkably like a fish out of water.
Isabel shook off the pleasant hazy feeling to scan the text.
Elrond had just asked if the 'Sue was ok. Eeps.
"Ok? As in 'Awk'! I'll give you 'awk', you high-brow canon-stealing character mutilating - mmf!" Isabel was less than pleased about being snapped out of her daze, and she fixated on the 'Sue. Plus... having Elrond say 'ok' was a killing offense in her book. She would have charged at the 'Sue and dug out her pancreas with a rusty knife if Myth hadn't tackled her and (inadvertently) driven her face into the dirt.

"No. Kill. Not. Yet." Myth was having problems controlling her own homicidal impulses, let alone holding Isabel back, and so could hardly spare the breath to admonish her.

"Why... not?" Isabel was having some trouble breathing, but that didn't stop her from spitting a flock of curses that would have made any European soldier blush.

"Because...well, because...because...It's against The Rules."
"What rules?"
"I don't actually know, but I'm sure it's somewhere." At least Myth had distracted Isabel, and decided to get off of her...just in time to be thrown on top of her again by the chapter transition. "Shards! We left the elves back at the feast!"

"We can go back and get them later. Now comes the council."

"You don't eat lambas bread unless you're traveling. Hence, waybread. And now there's too much detail! First there isn't any, and now..." burst forth from the mouth of Myth a few minutes later.

Isabel's A/N: ...Hlisolf? And Ling, for crying out loud! "An Elf Named Ling"... that sounds like a song. Bilbo's song was pretty, though…

Myth's A/N: she finally decided to describe herself. The problem? Too much detail now. And in boring sentence after boring sentence.