She spent the entire night restless and nervous. Dreams of how the reunion could go kept her up half the night. As a result, she wasn't looking all that great when she arrived at the children's ward for her appointment with Ellen.
"So I got a gold star this morning, yippee." Ellen stated. Helga nodded, writing in her notebook. Ellen leaned forward, looking at her doctor.
"And then aliens came in and used my teddy bear as a medium to speak to the jello last night."
Helga nodded absently, still writing.
"Ha!" Ellen exclaimed, slapping her hand on the table. "I knew it! You weren't listening to me!"
Helga looked up at the young girl. "Of course I was. I just knew aliens weren't going to possess bear to speak with the jello. They only do that when they need to speak with the lemon pudding."
The girl deflated, disappointed in being robbed from her conquest.
"And for the record," Helga continued. "Congratulations on the gold star. You're only a couple more from being out of here and back home. Now, I know you got a reward for that. What did you pick?"
The girl gave off a shy smile. "The telephone."
Helga put down her notebook. "You didn't call your parents, did you?"
Ellen shook her head. "I called him."
"Was he home?"
She nodded. "I got a whole ten minutes of time with him. One of the nurses took pity on me, I think, and gave me the extra three minutes."
"I'm glad you talked to him, but Ellen, remember, you're in here because you're trying to get better. I'm not sure talking to him is going to do that."
"You don't understand Dr. Pataki. He's all I have. My so-called family doesn't care, I have no friends to speak of, and he's all I have. My reason for trying to stay sane in the first place. Without him, I'd go insane I know I would. I'd slide back into that dark abyss never able to claw my way out!"
Ellen was standing up and pacing the room. Helga shook her head towards the nurse who had come to the door and gave her a questioning glance.
"Ellen, sit down. Trust me, I understand."
Ellen looked at her. "How can you possibly understand? He is my life, my reason for breathing every morning. I would die for him, how could you possibly understand that?"
Helga looked at the ten-year-old girl. "The rules for this room, what are they?" She asked, her tone booking no argument.
"What is said in this room stays in this room." The girl said, confused.
Helga opened her folder, taking out a small picture and sliding it across the table. Ellen picked it up and looked at it, then back at the blond woman across the table.
"Is this you?"
Helga nodded.
"Who are the other three?"
"My best friend, and the boy she liked who happened to be the best friend of the other boy in the picture."
Ellen glanced at the blond boy in the picture who was smiling at the camera. "Who's he?"
Helga smiled at the young girl. "At age ten, when that picture was taken, that boy was my reason for living."
Ellen looked up stunned.
"When I was your age, I was a bully. I ruled my classmates with an iron fist, but I was also the class' protector. I would stand up to anyone, I was scared of nothing." Her eyes went to the picture in the girl's hand. "Nothing except him. Other than my best friend, he was the only person who could see beyond the façade and see the real me. And trust me, I didn't make it easy on him. I wrote poetry about him, filled books upon books with the stuff, I had pictures, mementos. I was slightly obsessive."
Ellen smiled, leaning her head on her upturned hands. "He finally realized you loved him and you two lived happily ever after, right?"
Helga shook her head, taking back the picture, barely sparing it a glance before placing it back into her folder.
"No, that's why I'm telling you this story, Ellen. There wasn't a happily ever after. He and I were friends, nothing more. He never saw me as anything else. I eventually grew out of my bully ways, but I still loved him, in my way. He dated and I stayed behind. My senior year I realized I couldn't do it anymore. It was our last year of high school and I knew he was leaving the country once he graduated. So I studied, received a scholarship to a university out here and the day of graduation, I left. I said goodbye to no one; not my best friend, not him. I just left. And I haven't looked back since."
"Do you think the same thing will happen to me?" Ellen asked, looking very much like a scared girl.
Helga smiled. "I can't see the future, Ellen, but this is why I continue to stress that you need to stand on your own. Because however long this may last, you don't know if he will always be there for you. And if the day comes when he no longer is, I would love to see you stand strong. And to do that, we need you get you past the need to cut when your feelings get to strong."
The girl nodded. "Okay Dr. Helga." She grinned. "If you could do it, I can do it."
Helga smiled. "That's the spirit. I'll see you tomorrow for group."
Helga stood in front of the box for ten minutes, the envelope in her hand, lost in thought. To put the reply in the mail meant she was confirming her attendance. She wasn't sure she was ready for this, no matter what Jennifer had told her. The reunion was less than a month away and to day was the last day she could mail this so it could get to whomever before the deadline. If she didn't mail it today, she wouldn't be going.
To go meant she would have to face her past. That meant possibly a very pissed off friend. And him. To not go meant her class would know she was too scared to face them. And Jennifer was right, to face some of them with a PhD behind her name would almost be icing on the cake.
Closing her eyes, she made her decision. Opening the mailbox lid, she slipped the envelope in with trembling hands. She opened her eyes and stared in horror as the white paper slid down the slot and was lost forever.
It was done. She was going.
Helga stood in the doorway of the room, watching Ellen pack up her belongings.
"I will see you on Tuesday afternoon, don't forget."
"I won't. And I'm going straight home and sleeping for at least a couple of hours."
"You'll be fine Ellen." She straightened up, walking into the room. "But if you need to talk, call my exchange any time. I'm not going to be in town this weekend, but I will call you back."
Ellen paused in her packing. "Where are you going?"
Helga smiled. "Following my own advice for once. I'm going to my class reunion."
Ellen grinned, resuming her packing. "Is he going to be there?"
"Don't know. But it isn't about him. It's about me finding closure. I'm doing this for me."
"You'll tell me about it on Tuesday?"
"Depends on how you do this weekend."
Ellen closed her suitcase and turned around, smiling at the older woman. "Thanks doc."
"Don't thank me, you did this yourself."
"Are you ready baby sister?" A voice said from beyond the door. Both doctor and patient turned to see a tall thin teen boy standing in the doorway. Helga watched as the boy sauntered in and hugged Ellen.
"Oh, Ellen, I'm so glad you're coming home finally. Mummy and father will be so happy!"
Ellen rolled her eyes. "Whatever Bobby. Can we just go now?"
The teen nodded, turning his smile to Helga. "Thank you for fixing my sister, Dr. Pataki."
Helga just smiled. She picked up Ellen's suitcase and followed her to the door leading out of the ward.
"We'll talk about this on Tuesday." She said. Ellen sighed heavily.
"Do we have to?'
"Trust me. And for the record, I have the annoying older sister too."
Ellen grinned, then waved to Helga, following her brother out the door.
Helga watched her leave, and then sighed. One more day until she went home.
"I can't do this Jennifer."
"Helga. Get on that plane. Right now."
Helga stood in the airport staring at the flight board.
"I can't."
"You are the strongest person I know." The woman on the phone reasoned. "You can and will get on that plane and you will go to your class reunion and you will wow all your former classmates. Then it'll all be over and you can go home. Besides," The woman added. "How's your Tuesday appointment going to go if you tell your patient you wimped out?"
Helga growled softly. "Fine. I'm going."
"Great. Call me when you get to Hillwood."