Chapter 4 - Cepe Indicum

Vimes stood, silently and carefully. This was going to be a little tricky. "Look," he said, but didn't get to finish.

"I know you probably don't want me here," Carlin said quietly, the impish look all but completely evicted from her expression. "I was never under the impression that you readily welcomed outside forces into the city. It's your city, I know that. But I have to catch these guys."

Vimes gave her a long hard look and shifted his cigar over to the other corner of his mouth. "Just what did they do, anyway?"

She looked away, laughed, and shrugged. "Just stole a bronze statue. The damn thing's barely a foot high, and probably's got a wooden center. You wouldn't get it. It's a Klatchian thing. There are wailing multitudes back home, all absolutely convinced that if they die they'll be condemned to the fiery pits of hell unless the statue is returned." She glanced at Vimes from across his desk. "They're very devoted over there. I think it's all the sand. Really puts fear of the gods into you."

"Hmm," said Vimes. He'd only met a few native Klatchians, and none of them had seemed particularly pious. He gave Carlin a taste of his famous hairy eyeball.

"Er, are you all right?" she asked, looking a little distressed. "Your eyeball got all weird. I could get Kareem to whip something up for you, fix it right up good as new. He's a wizard, that man."

"A wizard? You have a wizard on your roster?"

She jumped. "Oh. No! That is, not a real, actual, in-the-flesh, six-meal-a-day-wallbanger wizard, but he's good at ointments." She smiled. "That's a no, then?"

"Er, yes. My eye's fine. Thank you." Vimes tapped his desk absent-mindedly for a moment, staring at the girl in front of him, thinking intently. "I'm afraid I'll have to have you check all your weapons here at the station, Commander. Sammy or not, you're officers of the Klatchian watch."

"And I'm afraid we can't do that, Commander," Carlin answered curtly, surprising Vimes with her sudden change of personality. "My officers are here on hot pursuit. We can't very well carry out an investigation in the great city of Ankh-Morpork without the invaluable assistance of a few well-placed head-choppers, you know that. Besides," she added, falling back into her devilish prankster persona, "you wouldn't want to be the one standing around waiting for Captain Anwaar to disarm himself. That man can hide things twice his size in the sole of one sandal, although finding an object that huge has proved a difficult task for him since around the age of five."

Vimes glowered. "I've got problems of my own to deal with over here," he grumbled. "Don't expect me to be your nanny."

Carlin laughed lightly. "Wouldn't think of it! A recommendation regarding temporary housing would help, of course... been out of the city for a few years now, and things always seem to switch around when you're not looking, don't they? Aside from that we should be all right... my boys are sharp enough, and I know the city all right, even after stalking the streets of Al-Khali for gods know how long." She gave him an amused look. "I really do apologize for having to burst in you like this, Mister Vimes. Believe me, it's not my cup of tea either, although I must admit that it's nice to be back home. The air is so clean in Klatch that it's sickening. It's good to breathe something with substance again."

"Sticks to your lungs," Vimes said. "Puts hair on your chest."

"Good thing I brought a razor, then."

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment. Carlin coughed and rubbed a smudge off of her helmet with a careworn sleeve.

Vimes took the opportunity to really look at the girl. He could barely remember her as an officer in training, although the attitude did stick in his mind. Her breastplate shone halfheartedly, advertising an impatient polishing, and her tunic was ill-fitting and stained. Her helmet looked new, with a few dings around the edges, and her sandals were scuffed and thin-soled. Her skin was tan and a little leathered from Klatch's infamous sun and sand combination.

All in all, he had to admit to himself that he grudgingly approved. She wasn't more interested in her appearance than in doing her job ('cares more about being seen than seeing,' Angua had said disapprovingly about a sparkly Watch hopeful). She traded off being cheeky and respectful as she saw fit. And she was nervous... really, truly nervous. Trying to give the right impression. Trying to do the right thing. Trying, in essence, not to fuck up.

"Tell you what," he said roughly, gesturing with his cigar. "You and your men can stay at one of our watch houses for a while, as long as you don't get underfoot, inspire any complaints, kill anybody, that sort of thing."

She blinked, and suddenly looked terribly relieved. "Thank you, sir," she said, and her expression melted into one of a harried, stressed watchman, suddenly told that he has tomorrow off. "That's really... a relief. Prince Khufurah didn't give us much by way of housing allowances." Her eyes flickered, and she smiled, a little grimly. "He doesn't like me very much. He didn't know I was a woman when he hired me, you know. What a mess that was. I wouldn't have a job if they weren't so serious about that sort of thing over there."

Well. He'd approve more if she didn't talk so much.

Sergeant Angua von Uberwald nodded sternly at two of the newest officers, and they scampered over to her desk, nearly swallowing their tongues with nervousness on the way. "All right," she said, staring at the files in her hands. "Constables Chung and Todd?"

"Yes!" they squeaked. Well... one of them did. The other one just glared a bit and nodded. Angua made a mental note to keep an eye out for this one.

"You've been assigned to one another as patrol partners. That means you go everywhere together, you got me? You go somewhere while on duty and you don't have your partner, you're in trouble. And not necessarily with us, either. It's a dangerous city out there."

The squeaky one gulped.

"This is your first patrol without a superior officer, I see," she said, scanning the files. "Well, be careful, and don't be afraid to use your truncheon if you need to."

Carlin stepped off of the last stair and smiled at Angua nervously, sneaking past her quietly in order not to distract the new recruits. She tripped in the door, but caught herself on the doorjam and tumbled out into the sunlight to speak with her subordinates.

Angua stared after her for a moment, shrugged, and turned back to look at the young women in front of her. "Keep your eyes open, your ears alert, and your head awake. And stay out of the Shades for the love of all that is good and holy. Mister Vimes doesn't want to write your next of kin 'we-regret-to-inform-you' letters. Now get out of here."

Nell Chung and Jane Todd saluted smartly and walked out of the same door as Carlin, bumping into each other in the doorway and giggling nervously at the sight of the enormous Klatchian watchmen in the yard.

Angua sat back in her seat, rubbed her hands across her face, and heaved a sigh.

Damn newbies.

To Be Continued