A/N: So basically this chapter sucks. Haha. 6 will be better.

Chapter 5 - Cogito, Ergo Doleo

Constable Nell Chung of the Ankh-Morpork city watch leaned against the wall in an alley just a ways off Gleam Street, carefully positioned so as to appear nonchalant and in control. Her partner, constable Jane Todd, leaned against a section of wall adjacent to that already claimed by Nell. There was nothing posed in Jane's apathetic stance, and she blinked slowly in the blinding afternoon light.

They didn't speak for quite some time. The sun set gently behind the buildings, and Jane absent-mindedly kicked the wall a few times with her heel.

"So do you think-" Nell began, breaking the silence.

"Don't be silly, Nell," Jane interrupted, pulling her helmet down over her eyes. "She'll be here."

Nell sighed, nervous. "I suppose," she murmured. "If you say so."

Jane gave Nell a stern glance from under her helmet. "Are you suggesting she isn't trustworthy?"

Nell jumped. "What? No! No, not at all! I just mean... maybe she thought she was supposed to meet us tomorrow, or..."

"She's got a brain in her head. She's not male, after all."

Nell smiled in a worried sort of way. "Yeah. You're right."

"Jane's a smart girl."

Nell spun, tripping over herself and tumbling to the ground on her way around. The girl who had spoken laughed a little, not unkindly, and helped her up. Nell flushed. "Sorry, Bella... you surprised me."

Jane rolled her eyes behind Nell, and Bella shot a disapproving glance at her before giving Nell a warm smile. "Sorry about that, dear," she said. "It's these shoes... I'm not used to them yet."

Jane pushed off from the wall impatiently. "Let's get this over with," she said, pushing past the other two women.

Bella sighed and glared over her shoulder at the taller girl, then looked back at Nell and shrugged. "I suppose she's right. You brought everything, right?"

Nell gave Bella a relieved smile. "Yes, I did."

Bella smiled back and patted Nell on the head. "Good girl. Run along after Jane, now."

Carlin proceeded quietly along Treacle Mine Road, gradually getting further and further away from the watch house she'd been sleeping in the last few days. Kareem slouched along a few steps behind her, pausing every once in a while to leer at anything female that moved. He had a habit of leering unconditionally at anything in a skirt, despite quite a few unfortunate scuffles in the past, mostly involving a) ugly women, b) women with husbands, c) men in skirts, and d) trolls wearing kilts.

That last one had been rather uniquely painful, actually.

Carlin ignored the man behind her as best she could. She'd been his commander for seven years and would trust him with her life, but his numerous testosterone-driven tendencies were something she preferred not to see.

She stopped at a corner and, groggily, thumped a cigar out of the packet she kept in her breeches pocket. She fumbled in her pockets for a moment further, then sighed and turned to her captain. "You wouldn't happen to have a light, would you?" she asked wearily.

Kareem pulled a box of matches out of his pocket and struck one under his thumbnail, holding it out for her. She was shorter than him by far, the top of her head just barely coming to his collar bone, so Carlin stood on her tiptoes to light her cigar and puffed it gently until the end glowed satisfactorily. She moved away and he shook the flame out, watching her smoke for a minute or two.

"Why did you start smoking?" he asked.

Carlin filled her cheeks with smoke, held it, and then puffed it out in one long burst. "Nerves," she said shortly, not looking at him. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Our favorite royalty getting to you again?"

"I'm not good enough at being a cop to be your commander."

Kareem was struck silent for a moment. "That... that's not true-"

"Yes it is. And I said I didn't really want to talk about it."

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes.

"So, what, are you going to quit?"

"No." She stubbed out the half-smoked cigar on the wall next to her, leaving a sooty black mark over the graffiti. "I'm just going to... to keep trying."

Kareem grinned at her. "Good. We'd miss you."

"You old sap. You know that's a lie. Most of the men don't like or respect me. And hey, even you hated me when I first came along."

"You were sort of replacing me."

"Sorry about that."

"Don't be. You've saved my ass enough times that it's worth it. And you're a better cop than I am."

"That's a blatant lie, and we both know it."

"Well... maybe. But you're a better leader. Anwaar and Dhul-Fiqaar were what was keeping the watch together before you came along."

Carlin shot Kareem a crooked grin. "Thanks. That really... means a lot."

Kareem grinned back and struck an arrogant little pose. "I'm a wonderful guy. What can I say?"

She laughed, and turned away to continue down the street. "Come on then, captain wonderful. We have to go solve an unsolvable case."

"So I guess that means no sex."

"Wait. Constable... please slow down." Angua rubbed the bridge of her nose and looked over her desk at Nell, pink with excitement and nerves.

"There's paint!" she squeaked. "All over the palace!"

"All right," said Angua, picking up her pencil. "And?"

"Er..." started Nell.

Jane leaned forward, her hooded eyes impatient. "She means more graffiti, sergeant," she said. Nell nodded emphatically.

"I see." Angua sighed and rubbed her eyes. "Great. Thank you. I'll be along in a moment. Cheery! Don't we have a damn iconographer arond here someplace?"

To Be Continued