Chapter 7 - Conlige Suspectos Semper Habitos

Lady Edlyn Nils swept into the outer office of Vetinari's study, two young ladies skittering behind her. "Excuse me," she said, snapping her fingers and looking at Drumknott down her nose. "I was told to come to this desk?"

"Uh, what?" said Drumknott.

"This desk, you stupid man," she sniffed, adjusting her wire frame glasses delicately. "Didn't you get the memo?"

Drumknott scuffled around in the files stacked neatly on his desk. "Er... er, that is-"

"Oh, stuff it," she said quickly, tossing her head arrogantly. "I can't be bothered by a secretary who can't even keep his memos straight. Lady Edlyn Nils - no, don't get up-" Drumknott stared at her dumbly "-I am perfectly capable of carrying out my duties without your assistance. I'm here as the official press woman. You obviously didn't know about it, so stop saying 'er' like the complete idiot I'm sure you are and just give me the files or reports or whatever the watch gave you. I need to prepare a statement. For the public," she added, pointedly, her eyebrows arched dangerously.

"They didn't-"

"Aha! No files, hmm? No reports, hmm? Suspicious!" she trilled, and her entourage nodded emphatically. "Verrry suspicious! Well then. I'll just have to prepare my own statement without the assistance of the watch. The obvious answer is, of course, obvious."

"Er... is it?"

"Of course, you imbecile. If you can't think of it yourself you'll just have to wait along with the rest of the virulent, teeming masses until I'm done with the statement. Now then..." She started for the door, but Drumknott stood, partially blocking her path.

"I'm sorry, you can't go in there."

She shot Drumknott a venomous glare. "Yes, I do believe I can. And you stay right here until I send for you, do you understand? This is vital work, and I shan't have you bothering me with your inane questions and assumptions until it is completed finished. Now then... girls!" The young ladies behind her snapped to attention and, throwing amused glances at Drumknott, followed the Lady Edlyn into the Patrician's study.

Drumknott sat down heavily, paused, and began to search through his desk for the memo that he was sure he must have missed.

Vimes woke up the next morning next to his wife. He got up, took the baby for a little walk around the house, and then went to the kitchens to scrounge up some breakfast. Willikins was already there, of course, so Vimes got his coffee and burnt sausage a little sooner than he expected. A little while later Sybil came down from the bedroom and sat her place at the breakfast table. They chatted about the sort of thing spouses and parents chat about... drapes, carpeting, baby toys, development, what new thing Sam Jr had found to chew on.

Willikins came in about halfway through breakfast with the morning edition of the Ankh-Morpork Times on a tray, and Vimes took it, flipping through it quickly, all but ignoring the headlines. They were always dull anyway... today was the usual fare. BOGGIS CLAIMS INNOCENCE IN PATERNITY SUIT. NINE OUT OF TEN DOGS PREFER LAMB CHOPS. VIMES ACCUSED OF THE ATTEMPT ON PATRICIAN'S LIFE. MRS PALM SUSPECTED-

Whoa.

Hold up there.

Vimes flipped hurriedly back through, stopping at the first page. The first article in the paper, as was to be expected, was about yesterday's assassination attempt.

"Dear," he said, his voice distant. "Have you ever heard of a woman named Lady Edlyn Nils?"

Sybil though for a moment, chewing her toast. "No, Sam," she said. "Why?"

"She says I tried to kill the Patrician."

Lady Nils sat, stately and collected, in Vetinari's chair. A ragtag group of Guild leaders huddled together in front of her, crowding around the formidable desk. She watched them carefully for a few moments, then suddenly smiled at them warmly. A few of them jumped.

"My dear friends," she said, her voice bubbling thickly with murky compassion, "we find ourselves in an unfortunate situation. Who could know that the Patrician would be struck down so effectively now, in his prime?" She lowered her chin demurely and gave them each a knowing look. "And who indeed could have predicted that all clues pointed to none other than Commander Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork watch, as I released in my press statement yesterday?"

There was a snickering in the back.

She looked mournful. "In this time of stress and difficulty, it is imperative that we do not let our grief anf compassion get the better of us. Speaking as Lord Vetinari's press officer and aide, I feel that Sir Samuel should be detained at once."

"What!" cried someone lost in the crowd. The Guild leaders parted to show Mrs Palm, looking shocked.

Lady Nils blinked once, but immediately turned on an expression of sisterly goodwill and honest repartee. "Detained, I said, yes, but merely for questioning." Again the knowing look. "At least... for the time being."

"That's ridiculous!" Mrs Palm fumed, looking a bit ridiculous herself under her enormous pink plumed hat. "What evidence is there?"

Lady Nils gave her a stern look. "I'm afraid that no evidence can be disclosed at this time," she said. "For your safety, of course. It is a dangerous world we live in, ladies and gentlemen."

"So are you proposed Sir Samuel be detained by his own men?" asked Lord Downey coolly, watching Lady Nils under hooded eyes. "I doubt that you would find them... cooperative."

There was a flash of irritation on Lady Nils' face, but it was so quick that many of them thought they must have imagined it. "Of course not," she said calmly. "I know what loyalties warped minds can command. I would not presume to ask those poor souls to detain the very man who lords over them. No, I will have him brought here by the Palace Guards... to stay in a comfortable guest room until questioning is completed."

"Well," said Mr Boggis, "I suppose if it's just for questioning..."

"Of course, of course!" cried Lady Nils expansively, smiling warmly at them all. "It is unfortunate that it has come to this, yes, but we must do with it what we can. Thank you for your support, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sure you are all very busy. I shan't keep you from your other appointments any longer."

The Guild leaders shuffled out, murmuring to one another. They felt a little as if they'd just been sold something they didn't need and didn't really want, but they couldn't see exactly what.

The door closed behind the last of them and Lady Edlyn flopped back in the chair. "Damn fools," she muttered.

To Be Continued