Spike's Series of Unfortunate Events II:
Whoof!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. blah blah blah Joss Whedon
Anya burst through the door jolting me awake with the slam of the door. She seemed really excited about something. She had more than puppy chow in the bags. I jumped off of Xander's lap and to the floor. Slowly I started to back away as Xander stood up and started to talk with Anya.
Anya made her way to the kitchen pulling out a bag of Kibbles 'n' Bits puppy chow. She was ranting on about the cutesy little bowls she'd bought. My curiosity got the best of me. I snuck up ever so slowly and peered at the bowls. Little white bowls with puppy paw prints on them etched with the word "princess". As if my pride hadn't been hurt enough. 'Princess' I scoffed to myself as a gritted my teeth.
"Uh, Anya sweetie…. He's a boy." Xander said sheepishly to which Anya retorted.
"So, he's a dog. I'm sure he wont notice." Xander smiled lightly and pointed to the other bags on the table as he asked about their contents. I backed away trying to find a spot where I could view the table. My motions must have come across as excitement; Xander picked me up and brought me to the table.
What I was about to lay eyes on was to be the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen in my unlife. Anya pulled a little blue collar from the bag which had bright red paw prints on it, and a name tag reading 'Dog, If I'm lost call.. 555-5445' oh great, perfect, I'm your property now, but don't even give me a name. I mean, I would have been happy with Bruiser, or Punkie or or, wait a bloody second. I'm not even complaining about that.
It gets worse; the bags were full of fluffy little puppy outfits of every color, none of them black. Just bright colors with designs, more paw prints. One t-shirt even read 'I'm special', great now I ride the short bus to dog school.
I started to whimper a little, not only was I horrified at all the little clothes and things, but my stomach really was killing me. Anya commented that I must still be hungry. So she moved to fill the bowls with food and water. She placed them in front of the sink and Xander placed me in front of the bowls.
I took one whiff of the food and sat down looking up at them the thought ringing in my mind 'You've got to be kidding me.' Xander smiled nudging me toward the food. I whimpered a little bit and took a taste. I crunched it in my mouth slowly. I wanted to spit it out and run for the door. It tasted like sweaty ball sack, not that I'd know. It just had that salty, putrid mock beef taste.
I was hungry though, and I doubted they'd be willing to give their puppy blood. The least they could have done though was give me a beer to wash it all down with. Maybe then I could get so drunk I wouldn't mind the taste. Xander commented that they were crowding me, and the two went and sat down on their sofa. I believe they were making out, which only made me crunch the food louder.
A couple moments after I had finished eating, the strangest feeling hit me, a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time… I needed, to pee, badly. Which leads me to believe, not only was I turned into a dog, but a live one at that. I started to whimper again and ran to the door. Scratching loudly I let out a high-pitched bark in their direction. The two love birds abruptly quit with the smoochies and looked at me. I scratched the door again and barked. Xander stood up and smiled looking back at Anya.
"Honey look, he's already house broke." The way he said it made me cringe. Anya smiled and told Xander.
"Good, he won't be making to many messes then… I just hope he doesn't find the money and decide to rip it to shreds." Xander assured Anya that the puppy wouldn't do that. I had other ideas though.
Xander grabbed the leash and put it on the collar they had fitted me with earlier. I almost pulled him out to the grass. I had to go. This was just to weird for me though, 'What the hell am I doing?' I thought to myself.
Moments later I was back in the apartment and they were readying themselves for bed. Took a long ass shower together, I don't even want to know. So I decided to do what puppies do best. Spiteful as I am, I jumped up on the couch and commenced to rip a sofa pillow to shreds. It felt good, got a little of my frustration out as well.
The two came out of the shower to find their sweet little puppy chewing away at a pillow. My mouth full of pillow stuffing, I looked at them, wagged my tail and let out a playful bark, knowing that was the icing on the cake. Xander's face was extremely red and Anya looked like she was ready to throw me out of the window. They just stood there, not knowing what to do. I loved it; I could tell I had hit a red button. Maybe this could be fun after all.
No sooner had that thought occurred to me, till I remembered the cutesy little clothes. I suddenly became slightly nervous. The whelp and his former demon girlfriend went to their room closing the door. I wish I could have still had my vampire hearing, I so wanted to hear that conversation.
Shortly after, they came back out of the bedroom and Anya came to the couch to pick me up. I tried to scramble away but to no avail. I was soon held down in bed between my least favorite bloke in the world and his no longer demon but still slightly evil girlfriend. 'Bloody hell, I just wish this spell or whatever would wear off soon.' I thought to myself.
After the two of them were thoroughly passed out, I squeezed my way out of their grasp and jumped down into the floor. Curling up in the closet, I finally nodded off.
The next morning I awoke with a plan. If I was going to be stuck being their bloody dog I was going to live it up. Sure I can soak up attention, as long as they didn't find out it was me all along, I'd have no problem with it. Not only that, I could do things and get away with it, cause after all… I was just a little puppy right?
I made my way into the living room, the bedroom door having been left open. Xander had apparently headed off to work, and it seemed as though Anya was getting ready to go open the Magic Box.
Slowly I walked over to my water bowl and took a drink. Watching Anya run back and forth between rooms gathering items. As soon as I found where she hid the money I was going to shred it.
Until then, I had to find out what I looked like. I had to have a reflection after all, cause I was alive, I guess. I made my way into the rest room. Oh great, no low mirrors. I thought about it for a moment. Then jumped up onto the john. I hesitated a moment, the sink looked terribly far away. I welled up my courage and took a jump for it. As luck would have it, I didn't make it. My front paws tried to grab at the sink but it was to slick, I fell to the ground with a thump and a slight bark. I sat there and thought about it a moment looking around the room.
I devised another plan. I pawed at the cabinet doors below the sink till I could get my mouth around the edge; I worked on it till I got it open. I then took a short stool and positioned it in front of the door. Got up on the stool, jumped to the door, grabbing the door and the sink I pulled my way up. 'Bloody hell, bein' a soddin' dog is hard work.' I sat on the sink afraid to look up to see my reflection. Then my curiosity got the best of me.
I got up on my hindquarters placing my front paws on the mirror. What would have come out as a loud scream came out as a shrieking bark. I lost my footing and fell back to the floor with a loud crash. Anya came running to see what had happened. I huddled in the corner whimpering. 'Black, with a little white chest, and bloody hell I'm furry. And, and, oh balls, I'm cute.' I was having a panic attack in the corner, whimpering and shivering.
Anya cooed and picked me up. "Awe. It's okay puppy." She tried to say soothingly but then, her voice is never soothing. She started carrying me toward the living room as she said. "Puppy, I think you have issues. Maybe we should seek you doggy counseling. I wonder if they have that." I whimpered more, my god she can be one annoying bint.
She carried me back to my bowls where more of that putrid kibble awaited me. She sat me down and I looked at it with dread coursing through every fiber of my being. I could smell something a lot more appetizing wafting through the air. I sniffed it, came to the conclusion it was on the table. As soon as she was out of the room I hopped up on a chair and plopped my paws down on the table.
Bacon! I attacked the bacon, stuffing the remainder of their breakfast into my mouth. It was gone before Anya made it back into the room. I returned to my bowl and tried to figure out how to get rid of the kibble.
When Anya came back into the kitchen I was simply sitting in front of my bowls, starring at them. Anya made the comment 'Aw, your not hungry puppy?'. To which I thought to myself. 'What am I suppose to give an answer to that. I can't talk you stupid bint.'. So I walked away from the bowls and went to sit on the couch. Anya scrambled around for a bit more. Then she approached me again.
"I wonder what Giles would say if I brought you to the store with me today. Lots of people like puppies, it could be good for business." And with that statement Anya left the room for a moment only to return to the room with one of those fuzzy little dog sweaters. 'Oh bloody hell no.' I thought to myself, but was actually whimpering.
"You don't like it?" Anya said.. she looked slightly saddened but quickly perked up. Before I knew what had happened she had put the bleeding sweater on me and we were heading out the door. Now I know what Paris Hilton's dogs must feel like. All wrapped up in these bloody torture devices, a cutesy little collar on, and a leash to match. By the time we got outside I had squirmed until she just decided to let me walk.
The whole way to the Magic Box I tried to stop walking, but Anya just kept pulling. I tried to pull back it didn't work. God save the King, but I was just royally screwed on all fronts. So it was back to plan B, just wreak havoc on their lives and have fun doing it.