I'll be leaving for London in the morning, and won't be back for at least a week. Just so y'all know.

Chapter 10 - Varium Et Semper Mutabile Femina

His Royal Highness Seriph Khufurah of all Klatch and Subsequent Colonies
c/o: The Royal Court of Al-Khali Klatch

Sub: URGENT.

Attempt made on Vetinari's life STOP Vimes in suspicion and detained STOP suspect monument thieves are connected STOP the weather continues fair STOP send backup STOP.

Respectfully,
Teren Carlin
Commander
Al Khali Watch

Captain Carrot stood next to the desk in Vimes's office, whistling between his teeth absent-mindedly as he sifted through reports and complaints and urgent memos whose time had passed. He was technically in charge whenever Vimes was absent, but he never felt comfortable sitting in Vimes's chair, behind Vimes's desk, sorting through Vimes's paperwork.

It had been two days since the detainment of Commander Vimes, and the watch house operated under a quiet, worried hush, the officers watching Captain Carrot to see what he would do. Smart most of them weren't, but even in those most lacking in brain functions a slight sense of self-preservation remains intact and kicking.

The same went for the majority of the Guilds and freelance criminals... while the cat was away, the Ankh-Morpork mice apparently hid, and waited to see what would happen. There was an almost-quiet to the city, if you ignored the calls of the optimistic mysterious-foodstuff entrepreneurs and the unintelligible garbling of the rather more interesting sort of beggar. (1) Indeed, the Big Wahooni seemed to be in a state of calm panic as intelligence quietly exited out the back way and primitive mob instinct took over. Fight or flight, but there was nothing to fight with or fly from, and the citizens of the great, troubled city of Ankh-Morpork were caught between a rock and a rectangular building thing.

Captain Carrot stood next the desk in Vimes's office, whistling between his teeth absent-mindedly, and waited for the other shoe to drop.

There was a tentative knock at the door. Carrot looked up. "Come in."

Carlin stuck her head nervously around the door. "Ah, hullo," she said, smiling in a worried sort of way, "Fred said you'd probably be up here. How are things going, what with... everything?"

"Only as well as can be expected," Carrot said, smiling at her.

Carlin took off her dusty turban and banged at it a few times to get the dirt off, but only succeeded in spreading it around the room. "Didn't expect -hackhack- to have such a flub going -cough- on when I came back," she said, waving a hand in the air. "It's a bit nuts, ennit? I mean, really... it's the middle of a very, very important case. What sense is there in detaining the Commander of the Watch?"

"Quite a bit, if you're under the impression that he was the one behind the assassination," said Carrot, looking down at some paperwork. "Hmm... looks like Nobby has been doing the numbers for the wage chitty again. I'll have to talk to him about that."

Carlin paused and gave Carrot a look. She'd always remembered him as a blaringly good-natured demi-god of a man, who knew the name of every merchant and the language of most of the immigrants and could break up a roaring bar fight just by banging a few heads together and calling them all jolly good chaps. But every once in a while he was somehow... sneaky. Sneakier than the rest of them, like he knew exactly what was going on and was only doing it their way for the sake of seeing the scenery. People like him bent the world around themselves, and she was worried about how this was going to go, in the end.

"Well... look, I know all we've been doing really is running about being a bother, but if you need any help we're here," she said. "I'm still an Ankh-Morpork girl. I hate to see the old homestead go through such hard times."

"Yes, where are your men, anyway?"

"My men? Oh... Kareem's probably paying Mrs Palm a friendly visit, Dhul-Fiqaar's interrogating some suspicious sausages in a pub somewhere, and, knowing Anwaar, a few thieves guild novices are losing bowel control at this very moment. Why?"

The door burst open, interrupting Carrot before he even began to speak. Nobby stumbled into the room, looking harried and clutching at his helmet. He stood to attention when he saw the two officers, and saluted a salute as crisp as an elderly cabbage. "Captain Carrot, sir! There's men downstairs, sir! Say they're from the Palace, sir! Doesn't look good, sir!"

Carrot set the paperwork down on the desk. "Did they say what they wanted, Nobby?"

"Nossir!"

"We thought we would tell you personally, Captain," said the taller of the two men in the doorway. Carlin hadn't noticed them come up.

"Sir?" Carrot said, saluting.

"Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, you are under arrest for aiding and abetting a murderer in his crime. Please come with us."

"'Ere, you can't do that!" Nobby squeaked, nearly dropping his helmet. The shorter man looked him up and down appraisingly. (2)

"Actually," he said, "I rather believe we can. Captain?"

Carlin felt the bile rise in her throat as she watched Carrot. This wasn't happening. This can't be happening. They can take Vimes, sure, but he always bounces back. Captain Carrot, though... what sick mind could think such a thing?

"Yes, It's your duty, after all," he said quietly, and gave Nobby a bright smile. "Don't worry, Nobby... it'll all be set right soon enough." Carrot turned to Carlin, and gave her a slightly different sort of smile. "Let Angua know, won't you? Don't let her worry too much. And about your men... you may want to have them look into the Lady Sybil."

Carlin got a worried look on her face. "Look into the--?"

"Er, I mean the hospital," Carrot said quickly, and turned toward her, presumably so he could gesture better. Carlin couldn't help but notice that it also meant that his back was facing the men in the door. "The Lady Sybil Hospital. Dr Lawn is a physician there. You know? I hear they're adding a new animal hospital wing as well," he added, almost as an afterthought, but he had an extremely concentrated, desperate look on his face. "I think you may find something that could help your investigation."

"My investigation?"

"Yes," he said vehemently, and the men stepped forward to take his arms.

"That's enough, Captain. We have to go."

"Very well then... shall we?"

They left, and there was a hush in the room.

The other shoe had dropped.

"Shit," Carlin said in a very, very quiet voice.

"I have some rather interesting news for you, Commander Vimes."

Vimes jolted out of a restless sleep. He'd learned to sleep sitting up all right, but not well, and these ropes were beginning to dig into his skin. His eyelids were made out of felt. His wrists were noodles. His head... well, his head felt a bit like a swamp dragon. (3)

The woman was back, sitting pristinely in a chair across from his own.

He grunted in a noncommittal sort of way, and she smiled. "I think you'll find this particular piece of news especially fascinating, Commander," she said, flipping through a few pages of her notebook. "Apparently... Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson has been detained for questioning regarding his suspected assistance in the assassination. Any thoughts?"

Vimes spluttered. "Bullshit!"

She smiled again. He was growing to hate that damn smile. "On the contrary, Commander. He is being brought here by the Palace Guard as we speak."

"Like hell he is," he said, a growing feeling of dread in his stomach. "He'll fight them off and be out of there in a shot."

"You are, in fact, quite humorously wrong," she said. "I've received word that he's on his way. Besides, Commander... do you really think our Captain Carrot, good old chap that he is, would deny two officers of the law in pursuit of their duty? Or allow others to come to his aid?"

Vimes glowered. She was right, damn her. Carrot was too damn simple-minded... too damn, too damn noble! Damn... damn!

"Hm," she said, but it was more of a laugh than a word. "Interesting."

"The other shoe's dropped, then."

"The other shoe? Oh, no..." The woman stood, and patted him on the arm in a maternal sort of way. "There are so many more shoes to fall."

1. "Buggrit! I told 'em, I told 'em, millenium hand and shrimp..."

2. It didn't take long. Nobby was shorter than most dwarfs, and was the only Watchman who required a a document proving his inclusion in the human race.

3. Nervous, restless, and prone to fatal explosion.