Chapter 5

That evening, Kayjan made his way up through the crew quarters to room 453. The closer he got, the more nervous he became. He barely knew these people after all. Despite having matured on the outside, he still felt like a little child on the inside. He was afraid of meeting new people. It had become hard for him to relate to new people because he always became nervous of the first impression he would make on them. He got to the doorway and could hear the music and people on the other side. He raised his hand to knock the door but paused before he did. He looked around. Both ends of the corridor were empty. He froze for a moment and decided what he was going to do. Then he picked his head up and bit his lip before knocking on the door. He stood there for a few seconds waiting and as the door slid open he found himself greeted by Jericho.

"Hi there Kayjan, come in." Kayjan stepped through the doorway into the packed room. These quarters were much larger than his own, but it was still cramped with the amount of people inside. It was obvious from the instant that he walked in that Kayjan would not fit in here. There were people chatting away, others were singing and dancing and making fools of themselves and some were just putting away pints of alcohol. This was not a place where Kayjan wanted to be. He was afraid to sing and dance, he had no one to talk to and he had promised himself that he wasn't going to get himself stoned.

He moved further into the room and tried to find somewhere to sit down. He worked his way through the crowds of people and reached the back of the room. He picked up the least alcoholic drink he could find and after failing to find somewhere to sit, just leaned against the wall in the corner of the room. He took a couple of sips of his drink and kept quiet as he watched the sociable people mingle.

The next hour felt like days to him. He stood around and watched person after person step up to sing from the music player and studied the moves of each person who stepped forward to dance. He also tried to memorize faces and names. However, all he kept asking himself was "Why?"

"Why am I trying to socialize with these people? Why are they important to me? I will never mingle with these people. I will never be apart of this." That was one of his greatest habits, putting himself down. Just then two girls began to walk over in his direction. He noticed them out of the corner of his eye but he tried not to take notice of it. He told himself that they were not looking at him and that they weren't walking in his direction. At first he thought he was right. They stopped and began talking to two guys and another girl. Then, as if waiting for him to drop his guard down, just as Kayjan turned his attention to staring at his feet again, they approached him. They walked right up to him and the first said "Hi."

Almost shocked, Kay lifted his head to look at her and after a moment said in a nervous voice "H...H, Hi." He found himself facing this girl, about the same height as him, with a beautiful face and long, flowing, dark, red hair. The second was standing behind her, similar in appearance with long, dark, green hair. They both were smiling at him as the first said in a subtle voice, "What your name?"

Kayjan panicked for a moment before replying. "K... Kay, Kayjan..." He made it very apparent that he was nervous with them speaking to him.

"Kayjan, that's a nice name," replied the girl. "Would you like to dance?" she asked.

Once again Kayjan froze up. He didn't know what to say. He stuttered trying to answer.

"I...I, I...I."

"I'm making you nervous aren't I" asked the girl. Kay couldn't answer so he just nodded his head slightly. The girl's smile broadened as she stared at him. She seemed to think it was funny. Then she said it a soft voice. "Well, maybe some other time." She then ran her finger under Kayjan's chin and winked as she turned around and the two girls walked away.

Kayjan stood there dumb struck for a second. He tried to piece together what had just happened. He couldn't believe that a girl as beautiful as her had just spoken to him. Then, he started to feel angry with himself inside.

"You idiot," he thought. "You're so useless. You just let another chance at happiness pass you by. There is no way that you are going to get another chance like that in your life. Although, I suppose it doesn't matter. You would have only made a fool of yourself in front of her and even if you hadn't...

...You never would have made her happy. How can you do that when you can't even feel that way yourself?"

Once again he hurt himself deep down inside, so he decided he had had enough. He finished his drink and began to walk toward the door. Just as he was about to open and door a voice from his left stopped him.

"Kayjan," called the voice and as he turned around he found it was Demetrius.

"Where are you going? Have you had enough?" he asked.

"Well, I... didn't feel like staying because I wasn't doing much."

"Then come sit with us. We've got plenty of room and we can have a talk," he said to him. Suddenly, for a brief moment Kayjan felt the need to say yes and agreed. Then, as he was guided toward the lounge in the back, he felt that he had made a mistake, but like most mistakes he had made in his life, it was too late to take it back now.

They got to the very back of the room and Kayjan noticed that there was a group of people sitting on lounge chairs and sofas. As he got closer he noticed Sarandon and a couple from Alpha squadron were sitting in between these people. He sat down in an available seat and watched as the others began talking. There was nothing for him to discuss here, he wondered why he even bothered coming over in the first place. He sat for what seemed like hours just listening and being ignored. Then, he was startled when he heard a very familiar voice. He turned around to find Diego heading in their direction. What he didn't find startling though was that Niaba was with him...again. They both came over to the group and began to join in with the conversation as well. Kayjan was the only one who looked out of place. He was just sitting there with his hands in his lap and a lost look on his face.

For another two hours they continued until the party began to wind down. It was getting late and many were returning to their quarters to get some rest. The group of twenty or so who were surrounding Kayjan had shrunk to about seven. Most of them were now preparing to leave. When they all agreed to leave, they all stood up and began to disperse whilst saying their goodbyes. Kayjan stood also but had no reason to speak to any of them. He just kept his eyes on Niaba. Even now she seemed so far away from him. He just wanted to reach out to her. He wanted to hold her as if she wanted him to. He kept telling himself that there was something about her. However, she was still ignoring him as she always had and he couldn't see her attitude toward him ever changing. Suddenly he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He turned around to find himself facing Demetrius once again.

"Before you leave Kayjan, Can I have a word with you?"

"Uh, sure. Of course."

"Okay, just wait in my room while I finish up in here, Okay?"

"Yeah." With that Kayjan turned and walked into Demetrius' chamber. Before he did however, he paused to take one good glimpse at Niaba. Inside his room, Kayjan found that Demetrius' room was littered with posters and leaflets from Hiigara, warning about the coming conflict and there were also bits of paper with weird sketches and scribbles all over the floor. Then he noticed that there was a small desk in the corner of the room with a little lamp and was covered in untidy stacks of paper. Kayjan quickly turned to look at the door to make sure that no one was there before walking over to the desk. Kayjan wasn't sure what he would find so he was cautious about someone finding him searching through Demetrius' personal belongings. He kept his footsteps light and made sure that he did not make too much noise while picking up the first of the folded pieces of paper. He opened it to find a blueprint. This one was of a Hiigaran Interceptor. It pointed out its statistics and structural weak points. The next showed plans for a Hiigaran frigate, again outlining its strengths and weaknesses. The next was a Vaygr Assault craft displayed in the same way as the other two and then a Vaygr Corvette squadron.

Kayjan's mind began to wander. He began to imagine where Demetrius had got these plans from and why he had them. What was he using them for? Why did he need so many?

"Find them interesting?" came a voice from behind him. Kayjan quickly spun around to find Demetrius standing in the now open doorway looking at him.

"Demetrius, I..."

"It alright. I'm glad that someone is interested in preparing for the coming battle. Not even Jericho and Sarandon take much notice of what I spend my time on over there anymore. They're too busy getting themselves drunk."

"Funny, I've never seen them drunk," said Kayjan.

"Ha, you've never seen them sober. They're always getting themselves drunk these days."

"I've noticed the same thing with my squadron," said Kayjan as he set the papers back down on the desk. "Everyone seems oblivious to the task that we are here to complete. It's as if they think we're just here to party or something. I can't see why command is just letting them do what they please all the time instead of making them train."

"They all know what their task is Kayjan, they're just choosing to ignore it and forget about what is ahead. There are very few here who actually want to think that this might be the last months of their lives. You're different to all of them though aren't you Kayjan? You prefer to think about why your really here don't you?"

"It's just... I like to feel that I have a goal to aim for. As if there is something that I am striving to achieve. I can't stand the thought of just being alive for the sake of it. As if life has no meaning. If I didn't feel that there was something I hadn't achieved, I probably wouldn't care if I were to die."

"You mean you don't care if you die if you feel there is no reason to live?"

"Yes. That's pretty much what I was trying to say."

Demetrius walked over to his sofa at the back of the room. "Ahh, I've being standing for hours. Come, sit down." Kayjan walked over and sat down next to him.

"So, what are your goals if life Kayjan?"

"I...I..." said Kayjan in a reluctant voice.

"Don't want to say huh? Don't worry. I won't push you to answer. My goals in life are pretty simple really. Survive this war, become rich, get married and live in a big home with the best luxuries that money can buy." Kayjan sat staring at the floor with his hands held in front of him. He seemed saddened somehow.

"I think I know what's up with you Kayjan. I can tell these things. You like that girl from your squadron." Kayjan suddenly froze. His eyes widened with shock and his jaw dropped slightly. He then looked at Demetrius. He quickly brought himself around and shook his head.

"What ever gave you that idea?" he said in a joking voice.

"Oh come on Kayjan. No one else may have noticed but I saw you earlier in amongst the crowd. You were watching her almost all of the time. You really have feelings for her don't you?" Kayjan sighed and dropped his gaze back down to his feet.

"Yes. I do. I have for a long time."

"Then why don't you just tell her Kay? I'm sure that someone as cool and as innocent as you could make an impression on her."

"That's just the thing Demetrius. I have made and Impression on her. A bad one. Everything that I've done in my life has led up to what I am today. I tired to show her that I cared and tried to impress her, and she tore my heart wide open and left me to bleed. . It just all seems pointless now."

"What happened on this 'Fateful day' then? She doesn't give me the impression to be as rude as you make her sound."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh come on Kayjan!"

"Oh alright!" Kayjan said angrily as he raised his head. "I'll tell you, but please, don't go spreading it around."

"I promise that I won't say a word." Kayjan looked back down at his feet once more and sighed.

"It all started four years ago, when I first arrived at Sara base, the place I've just been transferred from." Demetrius nodded his head in understanding. "I was given a formal tour of the facilities along with the other new pilots as part of our initiation. Then, as we were introduced to the cabins I saw her. She shocked me with her beauty. I almost couldn't believe that she was real. Her long purple hair shimmed in the light back then as it still does now. Her eyes were still as deep blue as the oceans of Valasia and skin was still as smooth to the eyes as it is today. Then this feel just came over every single time that I got close to her and it came as a realization to me. This felt like it was true love.

As time passed this feeling grew stronger and my courage began to build as well. It was on the day of 'The festival of Freedom' that I finally gained the courage to speak to her. Hmph, it seems ironic now. On the day where we celebrate our race's freedom from persecution and exile, I became imprisoned in a cage of my own misery and suffering. I saw her standing in the centre of the room with some of her friends. Then, as they walked away to get a drink or whatever, I saw my chance. So I swallowed hard and walked over to her. I said hello to her and began to have a conversation with her. Then... I can't remember what I told her exactly, because I've tried to forget, but it was something along the lines of 'Would you like to catch a meal sometime' or something. She seemed nervous around me to start with but that sealed it. She began to stutter and told me nervously that she had to go. Then she hastily moved away from me and out of the room. Then there I was standing like an idiot in the middle of the room. Some of my so-called friends thought it was a great laugh. I could see then pointing and chuckling in the corner of the room. Some other began to look at me because of the way I was just standing stranded in the middle of this room. I was just left stunned. I couldn't understand why it all ended in that way.

Within a week the incident had moved from a small rumour to full on gossip and everyone, well, at least all of the pilots and crews knew about it. I was simply a practical joke. They kept rubbing in how stupid I was to think I was good enough for her, and the worst thing was... I knew they were right. My loser friends kept it ongoing more than anyone else. So I just didn't associate with them anyone. But that didn't stop the pain. The gossip continued and the disaster just continued to spiral out of control. What's more, it wasn't just hurting me. I found out from someone one of the few people who didn't laugh in my face whenever I met them that all of Niaba's friends had abandoned her. They probably saw her as a lost cause if the only guys she could attract were ones like me. So not only had my blunder destroyed me inside, it destroyed her as well.

This continued for months as more and more people got wind of what had happened. They all seemed to find the situation hilariously funny. I sank deeper and deeper into depression. This became more and more obvious to those higher in command as they noticed a decline in my training and combat performance. It wasn't long before I was taken into probation for the senior support staff to evaluate my mental state. They put me through extensive therapy and counselling before transferring me to a different squadron in a different division so I could escape the persecution of the other pilots that I was acquainted with. But no matter what they told me or did for me, the pain still remained.

After that, I just had to rebuild my life one my own. I went for a couple of years without any friends and just try to blend into my squadron. Then, a young man called Colin Paktu was transferred to Sara base and into my squadron. It took a while but I finally became friends with him. Being one of the few people who didn't know about what had happened to me, it made this friendship easier. Then, as the annual squadron arrangement date came up, someone in admin made a huge blunder and, you never guess who was transferred to the squadron we were partnered with."

"Hmm, let me guess," said Demetrius, "Naiba?"

"Exactly. Then, it didn't take long for someone to explain to Colin what had happened between the two of us, but for the first time, Colin didn't laugh or chuckle about it, neither did he make digs at me. He was the first to understand what it meant to me. Still, that didn't make the tension for then on any easier. Yet somehow, through all the tension and lack of confidence, I was selected to be part of the crew of 'The Pride of Hiigara.' I don't know why they've selected me. Maybe another Admin blunder or maybe they just thought that they needed to move me away from Sara. I don't know."

"Now see, that's your problem," said Demetrius.

"What is?" said Kayjan confused.

"That constant pessimistic attitude. If they just wanted to get you away from Sara base they would have transferred you to Tri-epsilon or Guatemala. They selected you for this crew because you are more than capable to fight for the freedom of our race. I've seen you in training, your very good with dual pistols and a Sniper Rifle. Your laser rifle skills could use a bit of work but your more than capable to fight."

"But I'm not Demetrius. I am not capable of fighting. Without having a sense of confidence, how am I supposed to survive in combat? How do I even know that I have the will to kill someone?"

"No one can tell if they have the will to kill someone. Just believe that this is the right thing that your doing and you will find so kind of hope in your self. Remember Kayjan. You have a duty to your race, to our race to put your personal feelings aside and fight for what you believe to be the greater good."

"I just need some time to get my head to together. Thank you for talking to me Demetrius. I think I just needed to tell someone so badly how I was hurting. I'm glad I've found someone who will actually listen."

"You're welcome Kayjan."

"There's one thing that's still bothering me though. I can't understand why they're being so disclosing with their information. They're telling us things that perhaps we don't need to know. What if word got out?"

"I don't think that is something you need to worry about Kayjan. This is a secure site. No one knows of its location, and also, stop worrying about training. It's not as if an attack in going to come in a week. It will be months before the Vaygr are properly prepared for any kind of offensive."

"I'll see you around Demetrius."

"See ya." With that, Kayjan returned to his quarters for the night with almost a sense of freedom. He felt so much better about himself. He felt like he had been given a fresh start. All he ever wanted was for someone to tell him that he wasn't worthless.

That night he sat awake in his cabin. He still found it hard to sleep in this new bed of his. He missed his old one. The one he had gotten used to for the past four or so years. Another factor was the constant rumble of Resource collectors passing by and the constant crackle of welding and building that continued all through the day and night. They might only be putting the last layer of ceramic plating over the ship's hull, but it was still taking them days to cover simple sections of the ship due to its enormous size. The construction crews had now entered a race against time to complete the ship's construction before the arrival of the full Mothership crew in a month's time. Therefore, the staff members onboard already were required to accept that there would be construction going on throughout the night as well as the day, as if there was any real daytime in Tanis.

Tanis was a blue nebula just outside in the Hiigaran controlled inner rim. It was a complete secret that a base had been established inside Tanis and that construction of 'The Pride of Hiigara' had been ongoing for the past decade. It was always seemed peaceful and secluded for two main reasons. Firstly, the thick layers of nebula were so dense that sunlight found it difficult to break through. Secondly, Tanis was the site of 'The Great Derelict.' A huge section of hull from a seemingly enormous ship or colony world or space station that had been destroyed a few thousand years before during a great battle.

Kayjan sat up in bed and stared out his window. The colours of space seemed so calming to Kayjan. To simply sit and stare was his way. He watched the colours of the nebula slowly move and merge and spiral in seemingly endless space. He thought deeply about what he had been told so any years ago, the story of the first Mothership. Sixty years it took them to build it. Almost a whole lifetime. In such early days of space travel, it took them so long to gather the resources and equipment to take on such a momentous task. Now, at the height of their power and at the pinnacle of space travel, less than ten years to create a ship more spectacular than it predecessor.

Suddenly a collector flew past the window with a roar and shocked Kayjan. He stumbled backwards and fell off the bed. He hit the floor with a crash and injured the back of his shoulders. He lay there for a moment then tried to raise himself off the floor. He sat on the floor for a moment. Then he began to laugh. It seemed somehow seemed funny to him. If it had been just the night before he might have bee swearing and cursing loudly. Normally he didn't have the ability to laugh at himself but, after meeting Demetrius, his life had begun to turn around. It seemed odd to him how one event could change his life for the better. That was all he really needed all along. Not someone to run away with him, or fall madly in love with him, just the confidence of an outsider. All he needed to know was that someone believed in him when he had no belief himself.