Vulnerability is a sin
By: aragon asten
A black cat lay in slumber across the street, under the shelter of some poorly segregated trashcans. Its blue-black furs were standing up on their heads, damp and dirty across its skin, loosely covering a scrawny body that gave the appearance of a creature about to die.
It mewled softly in its sleep, dreaming perhaps, lost in some warm wonderful place where it used to be young, and sleek and beautiful. A place where it was loved… a place that belonged to long ago…
Outside, the winds moaned softly, then after a few minute's it would wail louder, until it seemed to mirror the sound made by the animal in its sleep… except in a sadder tones, sadder melodies, speaking of lost loves, broken hearts, and stolen memories, at the same time echoed by other pitiful creatures in the village-human beings who cry out in their sleep.
------
But in that street, there were still creatures not yet lost in the roads of wonderland---two people to be specific.
One was a pale, silent young man gazing out into the darkness. Another was a pale silent young woman gazing at him.
She didn't meant to stare really. But after noticing him being lost in some silent reverie, she couldn't help but stop her cussing for a while, and watch him in his quiet occupation.
He was beautiful. The lights of the streetlamps shone in his hair painting streaks of blue and silver in the shadowy depths. His eyes were cloudier than usual, their bright hues softened, but as usual, deep. He was so beautiful that in fact, he reminded her of that great statue her late mother pointed to her when she was seven years old.
He reminded her of beautiful recollections, of that wonderful feeling she had inside when she was younger, that warm fuzzy feeling she constantly felt when his presence was near.
She loved him.
That was the word she used to name all that she felt for him. But strangely, after acknowledging that unfamiliar emotion, she suddenly found herself at loss in understanding it. She loved him, all right. But why does that overpowering urge to hit him, hurt him, tease him and defeat him always resurfaces whenever their eyes would meet. Was that the right emotion?
Was that the right way to love? Or was she just deluding herself, losing herself in a strange fantasy she created because of that simple reason that she needed to love someone, needed to bring back emotions she lost long ago. And the trouble was that everything was one-sided, and she couldn't see anything from another's viewpoint-much less those of Hyuuga Neji's.
Of course not! He wasn't supposed to love her…
He wasn't supposed to return these feelings. And he wouldn't!
She was sure of that. That great genius didn't know how to feel.
And she had to go by the same path if she wanted to be the greatest female ninja ever. She had to steel her heart against any weakening emotion. It was her first and foremost duty to harden her heart, and freeze it, to turn it to a great block of ice…… like that beloved person sitting beside her…
She had to stop loving him. She mustn't let him love her in return.
She didn't need more heartache… She didn't deserve to be loved by anyone anymore…
She blinked.
A drop of rain fell on her nose obscuring her vision, clouding that face before her eyes. When she cleared it using the back of her hand she noticed that a pair of byakugan eyes were gazing directly at her.
She blinked. A wry expression was pointed at her. Then it was soon followed by a very wry drawl,
"Quit staring at me."
Her eyes widened. Embarrassment struck her like acid on the spine.
She looked away, trying to stop the heat rising up her face, as she furiously spat out a straight denial.
"How dare you accuse me of that, Hyuuga Neji!! What makes you think I'd do such a stupid thing like that."
He shrugged. "I don't know… Why don't you tell me…"
Her eyes widened in shock.
This was not the Neji she was used to. This was not Neji she had known.
"Are you Stupid or what?! I told you I wasn't doing anything of that sort!!", she hissed in outrage.
"Oh really?"
And up went Neji's one brow in sarcastic disbelief.
"YES!" she yelled out into the night.
A few seconds passed during which Neji continued to gaze at her, speculation in his eyes. Then, he muttered,
"I still don't believe you."
She looked at him in disbelief.
Then, after a second of contemplating her future massacre by the Hyuuga Branch family if she'd just attempt to kill him right then and there, she decided to change tactics by trying to reason it all out.
"Come on Neji… how could I possibly stare at you if I was cursing you for about the last half hour. I mean isn't that absolutely impossible and stupid?!" And then, she paused, and changed her expression to those of someone looking at a very pitiful slug.
"But of course I understand how you have made such a mistake, knowing how very untrained you are in all social skills, and everything that involves hating someone so badly (and she glared at him for second) that one is quite incapable of looking a that person for even a sec… But of course you don't" She shook her head consolingly for a while after saying those words in the tone of an adult trying to explain something to a very ignorant child.
Then, she paused, went back to her umbrella, and smiled smugly to herself.
To which Neji simply replied, "Well… I've sort of noticed that you haven't been saying profanity for the last ten minutes, Tenten…"
Two things happened at once, Tenten stiffened, and a smile started to form on NEji's face.
Neji was slowly noticing the blush that had formed on Tenten's cheeks, while Tenten was furiously cursing to herself, saying,
OH HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT…
Shit… Shit… Shit…
Then, she swiftly faced Neji, and spat out a swift denial in stuttered sentences, "I wasn't doing that! I just… just… well… stopped to…umm… do… well…you see…,"she paused, drew in her breathe, then hissed out in a very desperate whisper, "I wasn't looking at you Neji… really…truly… seriously…"
And she stopped, finally realizing how guilty she looked.
She inwardly cringed, O lord… please spare me…
But Neji had to add this sentence.
"And why are you also blushing Tenten?"
Which made her whip her head back to its former position , her back facing his face, trying to impede the tomato hue that was slowly rushing to her face's arteries. O lord… why?!
Neji meanwhile, started to grin. He knew she was trying to hide that blushing face of hers, and she was succeeding, but unfortunately for Tenten, Neji had full view of the female kunoichi's two pink ears, slowly turning red under the pressure of the rising erythrocytes.
"You're red, Tenten…" he stated matter-of factly, a smile on his voice.
"No I'm not," was her short denial in a strange tight voice.
But her two ears instantly changed into a splotched ketchup hue, which strangely started to… wiggle.
He couldn't help it.
Neji started to chuckle to himself, as low rumbles of mirth emanated for his his chest.
She heard it, but remained where she was, refusing to believe that emotionless Neji was actually happy about something… about her.
"You are… don't deny it." he grinned.
He heard her curse to herself, and then she answered in a strained voice,
"I refuse to answer to your stupid questions Hyuuga Neji. I'm serious.
Don't speak to me…again"
Then, she clammed up, and left Neji to chuckle to himself.
Very soon, Silence reigned again in the area.
But after a while, someone spoke.
"So why'd you do it?"
"…"
"Why did you stare at me?!"
"…" She didn't answer and continued to fuss over those pitiful pieces of aluminum. Seconds passed, then Neji started poking her back.
She stiffened. He poked her again.
She started to tremble. Another poke… and another…another…
Until her face whipped around, and kunai in hand, her eyes flashed with frustrated fire.
"Neji… I'm finding it hard to understand, your sudden need for conversation, when after many years you haven't asked for a single one. In fact I think it's beyond my human comprehension in dealing with the reason why an emotionless monster like you suddenly turned into some attention-seeking, loquacious bitch."
And she paused, with her face reddening, her breathe heaving, her eyes flashing, and her mind silently begging the gods to accept her in heaven, hoping they'd forgive all the swearwords she had accumulated in her lifetime. Desperate, she waited for a sign.
Meanwhile, it took only a few seconds to turn Neji's grin into a sharp and deadly scowl. This was the scowl he used whenever he took to that secret debauched pastime of his, of torturing the cockroaches in the Hyuuga manor, tying their hind legs in a string then, slowly burning each body part one after the other, until only the legs remained.
This was the exact scowl that was directed towards Tenten.
And Tenten, upon seeing it knew that she was in it, with nowhere to escape.
AND he lunged!
He grabbed her by the collar, releasing enough chakra to drive her dizzy.
Exhaustion and injured leg forgotten, he delivered a swift blow towards Tenten's front, forcing her to dodge to the left, which he immediately used to his advantage, grabbing her right hand, and using it to pull her body towards him. Focusing his chakra on his left hand, he administered a gentle fist attack on her unprotected left side. But in a split second, two inches before his hand had made contact with her body, he heard her let out an anguished cry.
So he stopped, the force driving his body towards her, which made him topple towards her, and they fell into the puddle-filled street.
In a few seconds. their figures lay unmoving on the street.
But at last, Neji stirred. He got up and sat on the road, and looked at Tenten. But he was confused. He didn't hit her, alright. Or did he? But if he did, his body would have immediately shown signs of it, but there was none. So why did she cry out as if in deep pain?
He scanned her still figure, noting her closed eyes, the lines on her brow, her clenched teeth, and then suddenly, he noticed the blood on the floor.
From her hand.
Her hand was bleeding profusely. The blood red was mixing in with the pouring rain, dyeing the pavement crimson.
He reached out to her, holding her by the back, and lifting her out to their meager shelter. Afterwards, he tentatively touched the wounds.
And she winced, and gave out a small whimper.
"Tenten… your wounds…" he heard himself say, as a frown started to decorate his brow, and it deepened as he realized that his burst of chakra probably opened the fresh wounds. Guilty, he softly tapped her cheek, worried about the way she still hadn't opened her eyes. Then, very slowly, her lashes fluttered, and her lids opened wide.
There was a strange glazed, quality about her eyes, frightened and grief-stricken at once. In fact, it didn't seem to see him, but rather seemed lost somewhere in space, and her body, he noticed seemed to have gone into a frozen block of ice. More worried than ever, he shook her softly, and whispered a plea in a very low voice, "Tenten…speak up…"
Upon hearing his voice, Tenten's eyes seemed finally to register his presence. She blinked, suddenly unsure of where she was. Then, she looked at him, and gasped, as she realized her position. In great dismay, she scuttled away from him, but Neji held her back.
He was holding her hand, gingerly touching the wounds, and all Tenten could do was stare, surprised by Neji's action and the way his hands moved over hers, making them tingle under his warmth. Then, she winced.
He hit a raw spot.
He also saw it, and immediately, said in a gruff voice,
"Bandages…you have one?"
She shook her head, not trusting her speaking ability yet.
Then, he sighed, and looked at her in exasperation.
"You leave the hospital but you didn't even bring bandages…"
Her throat loosened up, but just barely, "I-well…umm…forgot after I lef-"
"-And why did you take off your former bandages?! Did you know your wounds would be infected lying in the open air like that?"
"I..umm…"
"-I came all the way here all because of these stupid bandages. Did you know that we were worried about you? And why you took them off? Why Tenten?!"
His eyes were accusing, worried and angry-and the intense gaze seemed to pierce through Tenten's skin, until she found she couldn't stand it's heat. She bowed down low, covering her face with her bangs, and spoke in a low voice, so low that it was almost a whisper, "I…wanted to…to… I wanted to…feel the pain…"
He snorted.
"You're a bloody masochist, do you know that?"
Then he proceeded to dress her hands using his own supply of bandages, which he was supposed to use for his injured foot.
Tenten meanwhile lay there, unsure of herself, unsure of what she could say so she just remained there, speechless. Even though, Neji continued to frown in that dreadful manner, his hands were amazingly gentle, and Tenten didn't know how to deal with Neji in a mood like this.
She was confused. She felt like laughing, then, also weeping, uncertain about that warm glow that seemed to fill her with his presence.
She didn't wasn't to feel it. But it was there. And all platitudes and vows her heart made hours ago seemed to dissolve under this moment. All she wanted to do was melt, and shatter. She was ice; but the way her heart beat so rapidly, and all these different emotions drowning her was doing their best to turn her into something liquid and warm. She was confused, uncertain. All she could do was feel, and the sensations that Neji's hands brought to her skin suddenly made her dizzy, and scared, and confused, and…happy.
She was going crazy.
She was turning into one of those stupid girls in the books her mother used to read to her-those ridiculous girls who would blush and flutter whenever prince charming came near. And she was blushing…
How shameful… how utterly shameful…
Beet-red, she pulled her wounded hand from Neji's grasp.
But to her complete surprise, he wouldn't let go.
She tugged again… and again. But to no avail. Hyuuga Neji just kept her wounded fingers inside his firm grasp-with his brow furrowed and his eyes intense but unfocused, a strange look of someone in a daze.
She tugged again.
No reaction.
unnerved, Tenten peered closely at his still form.
His eyes-they were lost somewhere, someplace. Very strange….
Another look… another tug…
No reaction.
She inwardly sighed. Hyuuga Neji was suddenly weird once again.
But she had to do something.
Raising her free finger, she aimed her fingers at him, and very swiftly, hit him with a painful tap on the cheek.
"OWWW!!"
She grinned. That worked.
"You-you-you--DaMN yoU! Why the hell did you do that for?!"
"Hello, you idiot!!" she hissed, "IN case you haven't noticed, I've been missing my hand for quite some time now…" Then her tone suddenly changed into those of pure sarcasm. "You see…we haven't been together for quite some while. I missed him sooo very much. And as I haven't had the ability to write him letters, nor give him a phone call, I think it would really give me the greatest pleasure, if you'd please GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!"
Silence.
Then… someone muttered.
"Oh!"
Furious and blushing intensely, Neji released his hold, leaving a very happy Tenten with immense and rather smug satisfaction.
"Thank you. I was really wonderin' when you'd give it back."
"Shut up."
"Who's blushing now, HYuuga Neji!," and her lips curved into a mocking smile. "Oh, and by the way, my hand is quite sore because of what you did to it, wounded as it is, you idiot…' and she let out a large ow, followed by a whimper, and a dramatic wince.
Well of course, it really didn't hurt that much, but since she was set on humiliating Hyuuga Neji to the very fiber of his soul, she couldn't help but add a little more touch, a little more salt on the wounds, can she?
And she was succeeding pretty well, considering how Neji was now sitting on the corner, still blushing, furious with himself, with self-disgust bathing him once more in a hearty shower. Of course, he was angry. He was livid.
With himself, that is.
How in the name of all the stupid cake recipe's Gai sensei taught, did he do such a foolish act like. It was completely stupid, disgraceful! It was something he would never have done in normal circumstances. It was that hand!! That stupid hand. It was all its fault. It was warm, and rough, and-and-and totally different! It's texture was unlike all the other female hands he had held in his lifetime ( few of them, as it is).
He looked at it. He wondered at it. He pondered upon the mystery.
He puzzled over the fact that a hand so rough, so accustomed to labor, could at the same time, be something…he liked, really liked
He buried his face between his hands.
It was crazy, stupid, foolish! He never thought about trivial things like this, in fact, he despised other people who wasted their time with such absurdities, and called them wimps. And now… to even be caught doing such a thing! It was absolutely, totally…
Hyuuga Neji groaned.
…Revolting.
Hyuuga Neji let out a deep groan of misery and self disgust.
"Hey! Come on, Neji, don't look so bad… you're making me even better."
"Shut up."
"Just joking… All right I promise. I won't tease you anymore about the way you held my hand a while ago like a besotted schoolboy, or the way you turned red like one of those lipsticks Gai sensei told me I should wear sometime, or the way you-"
"I said SHUT UP!!"
"Haha!! I'm sorry, so sorry!" And Tenten started to laugh while her hands proceeded to rumple his hair.
"Stop it!, "he yelled while he tried to take her hand, which was at the same time skillfully evading him.
"Stop it, I said!" he yelled once again, clearly exasperated.
"Look at me first, Neji." And a small bubble of giggling escaped her, and she once again laughed.
And he did look up, wit the intention of freezing her with a sudden blast from his scowling eyes. But what his eye's met was a sudden picture of her disheveled hair in those silly buns, her smudged cheeks, and the twinkle from her chocolate brown eyes.
He sighed.
He couldn't do it.
"Lighten up Neji, you're always so serious." This was Tenten once again, no longer laughing but a smile was still upon her lips.
"Whatever." And he turned way and eluded her bright gaze.
"Come on, Neji… don't be such a scrooge."
"Tenten," And he paused, continued to stare at space, then muttered, "Why is it that you're suddenly so happy when after a while ago, I have the feeling that you wished to murder me on the spot."
Tenten merely laughed. Then, very suddenly, she sat beside him, placed her arms across his back, and then, started to speak in a conspiratorial whisper.
"Oh Neji. Don't you realize what kind of situation we are in? We're dirty, exhausted and stranded in the middle of nowhere, my umbrella-my only source of shelter- is in very bad shape, I'm wounded, you're wounded-WHAt else could happen?!"
Neji looked to the heavens, with a puzzled look on his face.
"Earthquake?"
Tenten hooted with laughter.
Then, afterwards, she regarded him for a while, in an adorable gaze filled with happy affection. Then she spoke, grinning to herself. "Want to know why I'm happy?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Well… I'll still tell you…," and she inched her face towards his, while Neji absolutely refused to return her ardent gaze.
"I' m happy, soo strangely happy… because just this minute, this very minute, I realized something about you!"
"…"
"Do you know… That Today! I found out that you, Hyuuga Nejii, are actually a human being!!"
Then, she turned away, and chuckled into the darkness.
"You're human, Neji! HUMAN!! For the first time, I found out I can tease you. I can hit you. I can laugh at you. And that's absolutely wonderful!"
"Is that all?"
"No."
"…"
"Today, I also found out something about myself."
"What?" And Neji immediately looked her way.
"Today, I found out that I actually enjoy doing this."
"Doing what?!"
"Well--this!" she exclaimed, raising her hands, and gesturing towards the two of them. "I haven't done this for a long time!"
"How long?!"
She blinked, surprised at the force of his inquiry. Her smile faded, and she lowered her head, suddenly embarrassed. She turned away, again, and faced the night.
Very soon, her eyes turned soft, and cloudy, though her lips were now formed into a smile.
"Actually… it was a long, long time ago… About…well-I can't count…
I was very young then, seven, eight… can't remember…" And her legs came up, and her arms encircled her feet, hugging herself tight.
"…all I remember is that… it was many years ago… before my mother died."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter. It was a long, long time ago." and Tenten buried her face in her knees, hiding her expression from Neji's searching face.
A strange quiet filled the area.
Then, someone suddenly spoke.
"I never knew my mother."
Tenten suddenly looked up, and peered at Neji's clouded eyes. It was that dazed look once again.
"I-I'm sorry."
"Don't worry." And Neji turned to her, and a bittersweet smile was playing on his face. "I'm not asking for sympathy. In fact, I wouldn't have remembered if I hadn't-"
"Hadn't what?"
"…"
"Neji…"
"…"
Tenten sighed.
"It's alright… you don't need to tell m-"
"-She sent me a letter, Tenten."
"What?!"
"I received a letter from her two days ago… Hinata gave it me. She said her father told her it was entrusted to him years ago. He said it was about time to give it to me."
"What did it say?"
"I haven't read it yet…"
"Oh. Well-umm…Thank god!"
Neji directed puzzled eyes to her.
"Oh, well… I actually thought Hinata did something very awful to hurt you… I even thought of doing some payback for her evil deed. I really thought she did something that made you cry the way you did yesterda-"
"-WAIT A minute, Tenten! You mean you saw me the day before?!!"
"I-ah…"
Neji was now gaping at Tenten in pure shock.
"You mean you saw me doing-doing-"
"Well… yes… But I didn't mean any harm!!!" And Tenten clasped her arms in front of him, worried, and frightened about the look in his eyes.
"I can't believe-"
"BUT I thought you already knew!" she let out in a desperate voice.
"What do you mean?!"
"I thought-I thought you saw that day. That's the reason I ran so fast, so fast so you wouldn't hate me, wouldn't shout at me or-"
"YOU STUPID GIRL!! WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU-"
"Stop it , Neji…" and cleared her throat, as tears started to form in her eyes. "I know what you're gonna say. Don't worry I'll just forget about everything. I'll pretend that that scene never existed, ever."
And she stopped, stood up and prepared to walk away.
"Stop! please… Tenten… I'm sorry." And Tenten turned around to find a contrite NEji behind her.
"I didn't mean to shout, really. It's just that…that… I was afraid you'd find me-find me…" and his strained voice trailed off into the falling rain.
Weak.
Tenten looked at him, with a strange look on her face, as she slowly sat down back to his side.
They were both afraid of the same thing… the same emotions… the same weakness…
Weak
She silently pondered on that cold look on his eyes, telling her to forget everything-everything; so that he could go back to being the unfeeling monster that he was before. Strangely, it mirrored her own.
But suddenly she wanted to change that!
For once.
For a single second.
Just this once, she wanted to change everything she had believed in for so long.
Very silently, she reached out her hand, and carefully, placed a loose strand out of place. Neji looked up, surprised, unnerved by that simple gesture.
She smiled at him-a bitter and sad sort of smile.
Very softly, she whispered.
"It's alright… I'm afraid of it, too."
Upon hearing her words, Neji felt a sudden rush of relief. He wasn't alone.
Someone suffered the same fate as he. Someone also doomed to this strange hole where vulnerability was a sin, and everything else that included was supposed to be reduced to oblivion.
Tenten was also scared; just like him.
Suddenly, he wanted to change it just this once.
Just this second.
Just this single moment.
He smiled.
And it was a bittersweet, sad sort of smile.
But it was comfort.
And as Tenten's hand crept up to his, he squeezed it tight.
Sitting there under the shadow of the great ramen store in some god- forsaken part in Konoha, Tenten felt the same rush of emotion, she had a while ago, the same emotions, she felt every day of her life, when Neji was near.
But for once it was welcome. And though she could never love him, never could say she loved him, she wanted to lose herself, just this second, just this single moment, to drown to everything that swirled inside that battered heart of hers, for once.
-----
They sat there for a while…
Not moving.
For the first time that day, the two of them reveled inside the wonderful feel of the falling rain.
But after some time, Neji finally stirred.
He took her hand, with no words spoken. Standing up, he gazed at the bandage of her hands, and gazed at her. No words spoken, she followed suit.
Silently, they both gazed at each other.
Then.
No words spoken, they both looked up to the breaking of dawn.
It was a beautiful spot that night. The dusk slowly melded into the dawn. The purple clouds into the horizon started drifting into that wonderful place in the sky where colors changed, and something that was once dark, could transform into a lovely shade of rose. The rising sun gave off rays from the different rows of the spectrum. And its far reaching fingers seemed to give a holy benediction to of those who witnesses its resurrection from the depths of the night.
That dawn-there were two people, to be specific. One was a pale, silent young man gazing out into the brightness. Another was a pale silent young woman gazing at him.
…And there were shadows of smiles on their faces, shadows of warmth and comfort. And though, that one single moment was over, hand-in-hand, they walked home.
And outside, perhaps without them noticing, the rain had already stopped falling.
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A sudden remembrance…
His lips pressed her forehead like a soft whisper. His dark green eyes gleamed in the darkness-speaking of promises…speaking of warm nights, and unending happiness… His hand reached out and softly caressed her dark hair.
It fell behind her shoulders in a dark wave.
She was beautiful- like him. He, who was tall, and dark, and beautiful, and so absolutely loved by her.
She smiled- her eight year old, big, innocent brown eyes, completely trusting the solemn vow he made while kneeled in front of her.
Then, he stood up, wrapped his cloak about her small and trembling form. His lips smiled.
…She believed him…
Then, slowly, he spoke words that will become etched in her mind forever.
…I will always protect you…
…my beloved…
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A/n:
To all readers
(…Man… That was a cheesy… and long… very long… very very long……eww…)
…Hello!! That's a little Christmas treat to those who continually read this little Neji/Tenten fanfic. I love you all… and that's the main reason I still update this even though, a virus ravaged my computer, I'm suffering a very serious ulcer problem, and I took a solemn vow not to touch my computer again. AND I broke it! Because I love you so!
Oh by the way… I'm currently going to have a name contest. The prize is… well… nothing… but To tell you the truth I really need help. I know… it's stupid… but I have this fanfic I'm writing that 's going to need an OC (a veery gorgeous, green eye-d male one) very soon. And I can't start it(and it's more than likely), if I fail to find one, AT ONCE.
That's my problem you see. A lot of my fictions tend to get unfinished because I don't know how to name those fictional creations of mine… sigh.
Don't worry it's another fanfic… not this one… in case… you get frantic…
BTW… this fanfic hasn't even gotten close to the real plot of the story…
in fact… the fun's barely started… it's gonna get more bloody soon…and I hope you tune in for the next chapters.
And to Aventri, who so kindly offered to correct my mistakes… thank you…
but I don't know how…
well… till next update… HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
aragon asten