The Road Home: Letting Go

She would have been fourteen years old today. I wonder what she would have been like? Would she look just like I did at her age? Would we have been best friends, like a lot of mothers and daughters are? I knew I'd never know, and that thought alone killed me. I know I should have pulled myself together, found a way to cope, moved on...but I didn't.

I chose the cowards way out.

The devastation I saw in House's eyes, upon regaining consciousness in the hospital, is something I would love dearly to forget. I wasn't conscious when Chase found me in the bathroom early this evening, nor was I awake to see my husband freak out when he arrived home a few moments later. It seemed so easy at the time, as I sat there with a bottle of his vicodin in my hand - take a few dozen, and your problems are gone.

I didn't realize, in the middle of my depression, that there were so many people who would have been destroyed by my actions. All of this time, I've been blind to the fact that they've been here all along, ready to catch me when I fell, wanting to help, waiting for me to ask for it. I guess it takes doing something incredibly stupid to pull you out of the hole you've been trying so desperately to bury yourself in.

It also brought forth something I thought I'd never see - emotion in House. I woke to him by my bedside, holding my hand, with something very uncharacteristic littering his face - tears. Upon finding I'd regained consciousness, he pulled me into an embrace. Over and over, he repeated the same phrase.

"I'm sorry...I'm so, so sorry."

For the first time since Allie was taken, I had my husband back - and then some. We stayed up that night, talking...talking about everything we'd both held in since this nightmare began eight years ago. I learned that he blamed himself for the abduction, for not being able to catch the man that ran off with her. We shared a laugh when he learned that I'd been blaming myself eight years, for not locking his office door. I knew I had the old House back, when he carefully moved my IV lines aside, and climbed into the bed with me, laughing that it was so like me to take the blame for everything - was I trying for some type of medal?

As he lied beside me that night, we also came to one very important decision - we needed to BOTH let Allie go.

We'd both spent eight years being absolutely miserable. We decided that even though we'd both held out hope for so long that she'd be found, we both needed to let her go and get on with our lives...it was the only thing that would begin the process. It would be a small ceremony, we decided, just those that had been close to Allie (Cuddy, Wilson, Foreman and Chase) and we'd hold it at a local park that Allie loved to visit.

It was a cold, cloudy day that we gathered. House and I had spent hours after my hospital discharge, pouring over photos of Allie. We'd selected a photo for each of them.

Chase's photo was a capture of Allie and himself, in the pathology lab. He'd been in there for hours, teaching her to run gels, and she'd had a ball. Being so smart, even from the age of five, she'd mastered one or two of the tests. Allie had been standing, attempting to recalibrate a centrifuge,with Chase looking on in amusement, as I snapped it.

Foreman's photo was one taken by House. We had stopped by Foreman's one afternoon to pick up some papers, and found him outside working on his car. House and I had gone in to grab the papers, while Allie stayed to watch. House told me, as I went to put the papers in our car, that he'd walked back and found Eric teaching Allie how to hot-wire a car. He had immediately grabbed his camera phone and snapped a photo of it. I came back just in time to see Eric whisper something in Allie's ear, and hear my little girl say, "Yo dawg, why you be taking mad photos of myself while I'm trying to steal me some wheels?" I'd never seen House laugh so hard.

Cuddy's photo was taken at the hospital's Halloween party, the last one Allie had attended prior to her abduction. Being House, he'd decided to talk his daughter into dressing like Cuddy for her party costume. I didn't know it till the day of the party, but House had taken her shopping. My daughter appeared at the party, wearing a linen suit, almost identical to one Cuddy wore a couple times per week. House had stuffed a small bra with huge blown up balloons and gave it to Allie to wear under her suit. He'd even gone as far as to make a little hospital ID badge for her that read "Alexandra Funbags, M.D." Cuddy was in stitches as soon as she spied her goddaughter at the party. We'd taken a picture of them sitting together on Cuddy's office desk.

Wilson's photo was one that I'd taken myself. James had volunteered to pick Allie up from the hospital daycare one day when House, the team and I were particularly swamped with work from a new case. I'd gone to Wilson's office when we were finished, and walked in to a rather amusing sight. Wilson was sitting on his desk, moaning about something. Allie was dressed in his lab coat and tie and she was walking back and forth in front of him (well, trying to walk, as the lab coat was longer than her). I'd kept silent as Wilson spied me watching from the door. Allie paced back and forth with a file and a stethoscope in her ears. "So, what seems to be the problem Uncle Jim...err Mr. Wilson? Are you HAVING a real problem, or are you simply here for some sort of fix? A real problem you say, let me guess. You're here because you've got a very nasty cold and you're convinced you've got the plague. I've been a doctor for twenty years - you've got a simple case of the FLU, before I can continue though, I need a consult. Let me page another doctor. Now, WHERE IS MY GAMEBOY?" Wilson finally gave in to laughter, as he can't resist when someone that young starts mocking his best friend. Being the Kodak mom I was, I grabbed my camera out of my purse for a photo. Allie had jumped up next to her godfather, or "Uncle Jimmy" as she called him, threw her arms around him with her little cheek smashed up against his,and I'd gotten a great photo.

The last photo added, was a photo of myself, House and Allie. Cuddy had taken it at a picnic we'd attended in this very park not long before she was taken. House and I were sitting next to each other on a picnic bench, with Allie sitting on the table behind us. She's thrown her arms around both of us to pose for the photo. We all looked so happy...the sight alone brought a few tears to my eyes.

I looked around at our friends who had gathered here with us today, each with photo in hand. I stepped aside and reached into the car, bringing back with me six balloons in Allie's favorite colors, pink and black. I handed one each to everyone. House then said a few words. I couldn't help but cry a bit as I watched him tell the group that we were here today to say goodbye to Allie - that even though she'd be in our hearts, we all needed to let this go.

I then stepped forward and asked each member to tie their photo to their balloon and together, we'd let them go.I'd also told them I'd made additional copies of each photo, and I had them back in my office, for them to take home. We gathered together, once we were all ready.

I looked over at House, and smiled, when I saw for once he'd actually decided to be open with his emotions. Tears streamed down his face (I guess it didn't matter, as Wilson, Eric and Chase were actually displaying the same emotions) as he said the following words:

"Gone, but never forgotten..."

The sun broke through the sky momentarily, as six splotches of pink and black slowly inhabited the air above us, and floated off on their descent into the heavens above. We all shared an embrace and walked back to our respective cars. We'd let her go.

Less than one hundred yards away, a small auburn haired, blue eyed teenager stared sadly out of a window. She gave a small smile as she watched a cluster of pink and black balloons fly up into the sky from behind a cluster of trees.