A/N: yay! I'm back! From multiple "vacations" aka visiting relatives. Ugh. Well, anywho, I'm back and I'm still making fun of Harry. Post Ootp Harry that is. It's a lot harder to make fun of post HBP Harry. So I'm gonna keep writing this like HBP didn't come out ok? Ok!

Disclaimer: don't own, don't sue. Get it? Got it. Good.

How Harry Vanquished the Dark Side

Chapter 3- Death Eater Count: 146 humans and 1 snake

For the second time, we have left our, well I guess you could call him a hero, standing on the table, once again in his hero stance. Hmmm, I'm sensing a pattern beginning to start. His friends, after turning a shade of red named by Crayola Fire Engine red, pulled him violently off the table, resulting in yet another concussion on Harry's part. Again, this concussion seems to correlate exactly with the all powerful author's spouts of writers block. Hmm, is that another pattern I sense?

Harry woke up in his normal four poster bed, having been rejected by the infirmary for insurance reasons. (Turns out that when you have two concussions in one chapter, your insurance company rejects you. Who knew?) He was surrounded by his friends, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Draco…wait, Draco?

Here the story pauses for a battle between the author and a fictional character that the author didn't even make up.

All Powerful Author: What the heck are you doing! I said, "Surrounded by his friends!" You are most defiantly not Harry's friend.

Draco: what if I had a change of heart over the summer?

APA: but you don't! The 6th book already came out and we know that you didn't have a random change of heart.

Draco: looks up but you just said that you were going to keep writing this like HBP didn't come out.

APA: oh yeah…But that still doesn't explain how you're in Gryffindor Tower. Even if you did have a random change of heart you'd still be in Slytherin.

Draco: I could've begged Dumbledore to get me away from the "short term future evil wizards to be!"

APA: but Dumbledore…oh wait, the whole HBP thingy. Hmmm…is stumped by Draco's logic. I guess it could work…Wait, I'm the All Powerful Author, right? So don't you have to do what I say no matter what?

Draco: Well, that's how it works in original fiction. In fan fiction, the rules are a bit different. Since you didn't create us, the characters, we don't really feel that desperate need to do whatever you say.

APA: so basically what you're saying is that you won't listen to me.

Draco: yeah, basically. Unless you found a good reason for me not to be Harry's friend, I'm going to be.

APA: looks through notes. You know, I probably shouldn't be telling you this but Harry's going to "sacrifice you to the cause." Just a heads up.

Draco: WHAT! HOW DARE HE! And I thought we were friends….

APA: Actually, you were never-

Draco: I can't believe this! He just made himself a powerful

APA: coughnotsopowerfulcough

Draco: enemy!

Draco storms out of Gryffindor Tower and the All Power Author, after laughing her head off and screwing it back on, returns to the story.

He was surrounded by his friends, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. They were all looking at Harry like he had an oddly shaped scar on his forehead.

All characters in the room: HE DOES!

APA: oh, right…

They were all looking at him with an expression of both curiosity and concern.

"How are you feeling?" asked Hermione fearfully.

"I just got two concussions in one chapter and got rejected by my insurance company and I have a really good feeling that I'm gonna need my insurance soon. How do you think I feel?" Harry replied grumpily.

"Who cares how you feel, I just wanna know how you're gonna defeat Voldemort!" said Ron excitedly, pointedly ignoring the dark look his sister gave him.

"Oh yeah!" said Harry, forgetting all about his evil insurance company. He cleared his throat dramatically, did the best he could to attain his hero stance while lying down and opened his mouth to tell his friends his plan. "I forgot…again. Darn it!"

"What do you mean, again!"

"Well, every time I get a concussion, I forget my plan…"

"Oh, that sucks."

"Tell me about it…" so Harry pondered and tried to remember what his master plan was. But watching four people sit motionless for three hours straight is boring so we're gonna skip ahead.

------Three Hours Later------

Harry had been attempting (and failing) to remember his plan to kill Voldemort for exactly three hours straight (because we're pretending that all classes are canceled this year unless they are huge plot points) when a disembodied voice floated across the room.

"Psst, Harry! I know your plan!" Harry moved for the first time since he started thinking, spinning his head so fast that he gave himself whiplash.

"Who are you? Where are you? And how do you know my plan?" he asked wonderingly, still looking aimlessly for the source of the disembodied voice. Obviously, he was having no luck, hence the word 'disembodied.'

"Who am I? I am a disembodied voice. Where am I? Ask Hermione to tell you what disembodied means. How do I know your plan? Does it really matter? You should just be happy someone can remind you. Now, do you have anymore idiotic questions to ask me or do you want to know the plan?" replied the voice irritably.

"I have more" Harry started to reply but Hermione silenced him with a flick of her wand. Upon discovering the nature of the spell Hermione had cast, Harry crossed his arms and pouted pathetically.

"He wants to know the plan," said Hermione sweetly.

"Good. The plan was to annoy Voldemort until he killed himself because Harry doesn't have the guts to kill his parents." There was an awkward pause. Ron decided to be the first to break it.

"Well, that seems pretty smart actually. Voldemort will never see that coming."

Hermione and Ginny just exchanged a look that said Boys are stupid…throw rocks at them.

Then, courtesy of the author, two rocks tlew out of nowhere and hit Harry and Ron on the head.

"Ow…"

A/N: ok, so I wrote this on the 8 hour drive to New York. Yes its stupid, yes its boring. Deal. Actually, deal by reviewing and telling me how awful it is! That would make my day.