A/N: So yeah, I have homework to do and no will to do it. So I'll do what macgenius does and write this instead.

How Harry Vanquished the Dark Lord

Death Eater Count: 133 humans (Voldemort was bored yesterday) and 1 snake

So. Harry had finally remembered his plan, courtesy of a certain disembodied voice and Hermione and Ginny had finally gotten to see rocks thrown at boys because they were being stupid. Now, they were in potions class where SNAPE was teaching and was, like always, being evil. (Like I mentioned in the last chapter, I'm writing this as though HBP didn't come out.)

"Open your books to the last page. Do you see that insanely long and complicated potion that my NEWT level students couldn't even do? Well, you're not going to make that potion. You're going to throw your books in your cauldron and attempt to burn them using only flobberworm flobber and some of Neville's nose hair. If you don't burn it, I take of 500 points from Gryffindor for incompetence. If you burn it, I take off 500 points from Gryffindor for destruction of school property. Any questions?"

Surprisingly enough, Snape hadn't lost his breath while saying that whole speech and had maintained enough control on his Maniacal Eye Glint Syndrome (MEGS) to still looks freakishly evil instead of just insane. Lucky for him he had taken his "pills" today. Unlucky for him, his students had stupid questions and stupid questions made the "pills" wear off quickly.

"What if you're not in Gryffindor?" asked one Hufflepuff whose name and life are not important now and never will be important.

"Your name and life are not important now and never will be important so shut up."

The Hufflepuff whose name and life are not important now and never will be important went and sat in a corner and cried. Snape couldn't care less.

As expected, Hermione's hand was also up. She had already succeeded in burning her book even though it is physically impossible to ignite a heavy potions text book with only flobberworm flobber and some of Neville's nose hair.

"Do we get points for burning our books before you're done answering questions?" she asked hopefully. Next to her, Ron rolled his eyes. It seemed as though he had learned the one thing that Hermione had not: Never bee hopeful in Snape's class.

Snape opened his mouth to answer "No," in a very terse and irritated voice but before the words got all the way out of his mouth, he thought of a better reply so he shut it again with a snap. (I don't know why he snapped his fingers when he closed his mouth, he just did. Perhaps it's a symptom of MEGS.) Then he realized what a foolish thing closing your mouth was when you had something you wanted to say so he opened it again. Unfortunatly, when thinking about how stupid it was to close his mouth, Snape forgot his better reply.

So he closed his mouth again.

Then he remembered and opened it again.

But then he forgot and closed it.

Remembered and opened.

Forgot and closed.

Remembered and opened.

Forgot and closed.

Remembered and opened.

This went on for quite a long time so finally Snape just uttered a terse and irritated "No," like he had intended to in the first place and was about to turn back to his desk to plot ways to kill Harry Potter when he saw one more hand.

"Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak," he said, motioning in the direction of the raised hand.

"Sir, I was just wondering. How did you get some of my nose hairs?"

To this, Snape decided it would be best not to reply so he ignored Neville and sat down at his desk and read the latest issue of Evil Teachers Inc. magazine. This was the Famous Last Words issue.

But enough about Snape. Back to Harry.

Harry was sitting at his desk looking at his book, flobberworm flobber and nose hairs. He was wondering many things at the moment. How Hermione had gotten her book to burn, why Snape was so darn maniacal at times, who decided that busywork was a good way to get kids to learn, and why Ron thought his boogers tasted so good. Harry had tried them and they certainly didn't taste like chicken.

But most of all, Harry was wondering how to annoy Voldemort to death. Literally (But you knew that already).

He had pulled out the notebook he plotted Voldemort's demise in (also known as the Plotting Notebook) and the quill he plotted Voldemort's demise in (also known as the Plotting Quill). Upon opening the Plotting Notebook, a multitude of scratching out's, jumbled words and doodles were revealed. The scratching out's and jumbled words were quite normal and therefore too boring to tell you but the doodles were something else. Most of them included himself, Voldemort, a certain history teacher with a goatee named McGowen, a greasy haired boy of uncertain sexuality named Nate and Zeus with his gigantic lightning bolts. Quite a few of those gigantic lightning bolts actually- 1638366.235 to be exact. At this point in time, Harry noticed a rather different doodle in the bottom left hand corner of the page, turned slightly very red and turned the page, thus disallowing me, the all powerful author to chronicle to you anymore contents of the page.

On the blank sheet of paper he had turned to, Harry started to write things like Hire a musician for him, or squint a lot and a bunch of other stupid little things like that. It was then that Ron looked over, realized that Harry was terrible at trying to annoy people (he had to be spontaneous about it or else he was merely irritating), and decided to take matters into his own hands. He was about to seize the Plotting Notebook from Harry's very idiotic and fairly chunky hands when Snape decided to come back into the chapter.

Snape had gotten inspired by his issue of Evil Teacher Inc and had vowed to get some of his own students into next years Famous Last Words issue. He had made his targets the trio.

Like that was any surprise.

So being the evil teacher that his was, Snape ripped the Plotting Notebook (though he couldn't of possibly known it was title that) out of Harry's rather sweaty grip without tearing it and looked at the first page. The first thing he noticed was the little doodle in the bottom left hand corner, turned slightly very red and decided to leave the chapter again.

At this point in time, Ron actually does seize the Plotting Notebook and takes over the whole operation, the all powerful author decides that this is enough for one chapter and big-box stores decide to stop being a controversy because no one really cares about them anymore.

Petunia's chapter! (extra long because I forgot her last time)

So we last saw Petunia in the midst of the Amazon rainforest. Actually no we didn't but I got bored with the Spiderman crap. So just accept the fact that Petunia killed Kirsten Dunst, got over Spiderman and moved to the rainforest. If you don't like it- deal. Get it got it good.

So like I said, we last saw Petunia in the midst of the Amazon rainforest. She was building a home for herself out of spider legs from spiders that had willingly given them up to her SuperSpiderGirl-ness. Ish. Anyway, her house was now finished and all she wanted to do was eat something other than the hair's she had picked off the legs. So Petunia decided to go hunting.

Hunting in the Amazon rainforest is a life changing experience for anyone who has already had a life changing experience (for anyone whose life hasn't had a life changing experience, it's the same as a walk in the park except hotter, wetter and entirely more life threatening). In the jungle, one can catch exotic and native prey such as piranhas, those funky smelling flowers, many different types of snakes and cats, and weathermen. One this particular occasion, Petunia was having absolutely no luck at all and could only catch weatherman, particularly of the fat and annoying variety. She considered sending them to Harry but then she forgot who Harry was and the idea was abandoned.

In all reality (or sur-reality as this story might be classified as), this was a completely waste of three paragraphs.

Next time we see Petunia, she will be somewhere else and more exciting than the Amazon rainforest.

A/C (Author's Commercial): This chapter has been brough to you by RENT, Evil Teachers Inc and that little sticker that comes on bananas.