Who Am I?
By
Sydne
Rating: CSI-I
Disclosure: All characters belong to CBS, etc…
Summary: Occurs between Mea Culpa and season 6. Angst, you figure out whom.
I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a drink. Going back to the living room, I flop down on the couch and take a large sip of the alcohol. It burns as it goes down my throat but I don't care. At this moment, I just want to feel something besides the pain I'm feeling. The case today really bothered me. It involved a child. Children always upset me, but I try not to let the pain show. When a child is involved it takes a small chunk of my heart.
I take another sip and I wonder what became of the person I once was. I wasn't always this way. I remember a time when I smiled, laughed, and was open with people. Where did that person go? I still can laugh and smile when I need to, but it feels forced. It doesn't come from my heart. It's superficial.
Draining my drink, I go to the kitchen and fix myself another. I know drinking isn't the answer, but right now, I feel the need not to feel. I want to be comfortably numb. I take the bottle and wander to my bedroom as I sip on the drink. I slip off my clothes and lie down on the bed. I cradle my drink on my chest and my thoughts return to who I am. I have a successful career, people who care about me, and enough money that I don't have to worry about paying my bills. It all feels so hollow right now. I'm missing something from my life. I need laughter and happiness. I'm sure all the violence I see on a day-to-day basis is hardening me. I want to be that person I once was. I don't know how I'm going to do that though. I can't quit my job. I don't want to quit my job. Even though it's emotionally difficult at times, it's rewarding too. The times when I catch the bad guy and put him or her away. That's rewarding. Damn it! I want to feel something other than anger, hurt or sadness. I want to have some human contact. I need to feel love and happiness. Reaching over I grab the bottle and refill my glass. Hell with the mixer, I just want to get drunk.
As I continue to drink, I continue to stew about my situation. How do I change it? How can I find someone to love? It seems like every time I meet someone, it turns out bad. Am I that inept at human relationships? I don't think so, but maybe. I have to concede to the fact that I've never really had a good relationship. Not a fulfilling one, anyway. My thoughts are starting to wander and my eyes are getting heavy. I set the glass on the nightstand and curl up on top of the covers. My last thought before I fall asleep is who am I?
Finis