Chapter 21: First day of my life

This is what happens when you listen to Fade together on repeat. However, I'm calling it first day of my life by bright eyes because this song is so Michael and Jake it hurts. Don't cry luv, in this chapter. But you probably will. You'll be crying a lot towards the end. I'm not going to reply you to you guy's reviews today because…ahem, I just want to see your rection. I have 3 pages written in the new fic, it's coming along painfully slow

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach


Michael and Jake were getting married. All the calls had been made, it'd be an outside wedding, a formal affair. Beautiful red roses were to be hung around, Natalie was catering, the tables were set, the rehearsal dinner went perfect. The rin-

The rings were on their fingers.

Specked with gold and silver, a simple band. "First day of my life" was written on the inside.

Because it's true, it was the first day of their life.

But then….then Jake saw something that scared the shit out of him.

Michael crying on the bathroom floor.

"What- what's the matter Michael?" Jake stammered out, dropping besides his best friend and grasping his hands and arms to make sure there weren't any cuts on it, but there wasn't, because Michael was past that.

"I was ju- ju- just thinking" Michael sniffed a little more and fell into his arms," I was thinking that we've finally done it. We can be happy now, Jake, together. No more secrets, no more games. No more hurting each other. Don't you see?" He cried out happily, looking him in the eye," We're free"

And that, well that just made all the blood from Jake's face drain out.

Because he was going to fuck up.

He knew it

Felt it in his bones, twisting and turning. He inhaled sharply and breathed out every single fucking sentence of love and lust and want and pleasure that he knew his poor sweet prince wanted to hear and that lulled Michael to sleep. Straight on the bathroom floor. Because Jake could do that to Michael. And with one sweet kiss it was set.

Tomorrow was the wedding.

So he had to leave that morning.

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

Wedding bells

Jake breathed recklessly as Michael chased after him down the block before turning the corner, eyes wide. He placed a hand to his chest, eyes watering. It was for the best. All of this was for the best. He loved Michael, really loved Michael, right?

So leaving him was the best thing he could ever do

He had been telling himself that ever since he had left the apartment that day with only a book bag on. Jake had it all planned out, he was going to finish something that he had started a long time ago. He needed perfection, didn't he? He felt sick, a clawing feeling aching through his body. Want. The need to act reckless and have a fuck all attitude. He wanted Michael to surface. It felt so odd, now that he thought about it as he pushed himself off the dirt wall and began running again, how much Michael was really around and how much Jake had basically sat back and let Michael do all the work. Sometimes have multiple personalities was such an easy thing .

He often wondered, however, how much of his life did he spend with Michael, his true love Michael, as apposed to how much time he….the other…the evil side, of him spent with Michael. He'd have to say 60/40 percent. And sadly he was the 40 Hell, He didn't even really say " I love you" to Michael the first time.

He did

First kiss?

Him as well.

The….the sex….the complicated letters and goodbyes, even the time he shoved him down the steps.

All Him

Never Jake.

Jake can't remember anything good anymore, and to be honest, he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to love Michael anymore. He doesn't want Alex to love him anymore. He wished he never pressed his lips to Michael's in the first place.

He wish-

He wished he could die.

No, Michael did. He did. Jake hardly had control anymore…he was….seeing things, remembering things….that he never did. That Michael did. It was almost as if, once Michael did take over, Jake didn't remember the after effects. Every cut that was formed on his arm, every lip that he kissed, he wouldn't remember until weeks later. He even remembered how Michael was attracted to Roscoe, not him. Jake was always in love with Michael, no one else. Not even Alex.

Oh Alex, he came close.

Painfully close.

But….Michael loved Alex. Jake didn't love him. Michael did. In a sick twisted way.

Another corner, another turn. His breath quickened again. He'd run forever.

"Jake!" Michael cried out.

But oh god, please don't make him.

He turns around to say goodbye with his eyes and Michael stands there, blocks away, heaving for breath as well, feeling cold inside. He couldn't believe it. Jake was giving up. Wa- was it something he did? No. "I love you" is what the other's lips mouth out, and Michael can feel his fucking heart break right there into tiny pieces. Michael realizes where Jake is at: The air port.

His eyes tear.

He can't believe it.

He won't believe it. " No Jake… no no no. You are not going to leave me like this! You hear me?" He screams out ," You are not going to fucking leave me like this! I need you! I love you! Come back, please, I'll do anything, anything I just….I just can't take this anymore…." His voice dropped down to a whisper, and Jake's still watching, backing away slowly through the sliding glass doors. " Don't hurt me anymore…."

The doors slide shut.

Jake's words are clear in the cold morning air. " I won't. I Promise"

And then he's gone.

And Michael….well Michael is….

Just a little.

Just a little dead inside. Because for once he knows that Jake isn't coming back.

And so I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

You're heading home. You decide after sitting in the terminal for an hour and hoping to god that he'll come around the corner. Smiling. Lovingly. And you'll kiss him the hardest you ever have in your life. And your heart will explode with this overwhelming feeling out pride and happiness that he is yours. But he doesn't. So you're heading home. Going home to tell everyone your boyfriend has left you.

That he's gone.

So when you finally get home, how come it's the farthest place you want to be.

But when you open the door everyone is smiling. And you look a wreck. Look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are red from crying, your nose is stuffy, there's a ring around your neck from holding the fucking promise ring that he gave you so goddamn tight, and your hair is askew as usual. And then they stop smiling, and you breathe out in agony as you look at your faux family, and whisper out two cold words before sticking your thumb in your mouth and reverting back to childhood days. " Jakey's gone"

And that's all you need to say before you're gone too.

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said "this is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy

"Talk to him?" Ryan whispers over the kitchen table, and everyone shakes their head," What do we say?" Marco asks, rubbing his eyes," He won't talk"

"Well…what if Jake isn't gone? What if he-" Andy looks desperate, as if he lost his own son, but it's impossible to tell.

"He's gone" Marco says miserably. "I told him that if he needs to get up and go, just do it"

"Well why the fuck would you say that?" Pete asks and Marco frowns," Good question…."

" Should we file a missing persons report?" Brian asks, coiling himself within the cheap pillows and biting his nails.

"And say what? That he ran away? " Ryan frowned," They don't take those reports anymore"

"God" Alex says, leaning back in the pillow," I should've just said something"

"Said what about what?" Marco looks up.

"He had….told me that he wanted to go far away from everybody….he was tired. He said that he wanted to feel something, something bad, something painful." Alex whispered," But I thought that was just the pills talking….-"

"Michael" Marco hissed and Alex's eyes fluttered," Shit….I should-"

"It's okay…jus- just continue" Ryan leaned on Marco's shoulders and curled neck to him tight, holding his hand. Because what if Marco had went away? Then what?

"He asked me where would I go if I was to run away. And I told him a hotel room. Somewhere secluded" Alex murmured quietly. " Do you think he went away…to a hotel somewhere?"

"He got on an airplane…" Michael whispered out and everyone was shocked to hear his voice. " And he left….he- he-" He bit his lip, his voice was cold of any emotion as he closed his eyes and tried to talk," Why does this always happen? Why am I happy for at least 1 day and then it all just goes away? How co- could the on- on- only person that I ever really loved do this?" His eyes brimmed with tears as he remembered how he used to cut himself in these dire situations.

He- he forgot how that felt.

Wasn't it magical?

How his long skinny fingers would elegantly draw out a blade and pull it down his arm in gentle strokes, reds and violets trailing and forming soon after , like a sort of suicidal symphony. And he was the conductor. And oh, the way his eyes light up at the way the discoloration make him cringe on contact. Why did he ever stop? His lips crack a smile," I have to go to the bathroom. Excuse me" He wipes his eyes and gets up.

No one protests.

Because it's been 3 years and Michael is better than that.

Right?

"Let's file a report anyway" Ryan says, picking up the phone. Pete looks disturbed as he leans over and whispers in Ryan's ear," What should we do about the gallery opening?" They were business partners now. Quite popular actually. Sold a lot of poems and paintings. Helped Ryan get the flat that him and Marco shared now, actually. "Well, I can't leave Marco like this…."

"Of course" Pete nods, he understands. But somehow, Ryan just doesn't think so. " Could you handle it?" Ryan asks and of course, Pete does. Because he'll do anything for Ryan. He just has to. And then maybe one day Ryan will realize that he'll do anything for Pete as well. But until then they'll both pretend that whatever they're feeling at the moment doesn't exist. Because that's what all love blinded people do.

Marco shifts around after the call is made and blinks suddenly, as if the air has shifted, and it has. A pause. And a thought. " Where's Michael?"

"He said he went to the ba-" Robert stops and gets up before running to the door, because suddenly everyone remembers the old Michael, the weak Michael. The Michael that didn't have Jake. And that's the Michael they find on the bathroom floor with a dozen sleeping pills on the floor and around him, two nice red slashes on each of his arms, and wide, ghost like green eyes staring at the ceiling.

We all remember that Michael.

Robert drops to his knees and once again Pete has the joy of calling 911. He doesn't hesitate as he takes his finger and shoves it down Michael's throat, rather aggressively. " You're going to.-" Robert sneers as he plunges his finger in further, " - choke up -" Another jab," - every fucking drop" But Michael just doesn't respond. His eyes are so clear now. He almost looks happy. " I said, every fucking drop! You're not dying on me Michael!" Robert yells out, sticking two fingers down his throat and applying pressure with his thumb to Michael's neck. And Michael heaves. Heaves straight onto the new tiled floors that Marco just put down and scrubbed with a tooth brush. And then there's silence as Michael achingly whispers to the faces of his family, quietly, softly, painfully: "What are you waiting for. Call the ambulance to save me, like you always do"

And they did.

Jamie feels sick. He feels sick as he watches Michael inside his hospital gown, walk around with an IV trailing from his body and his tired little eyes shyly looking around the room, half confused, half dazed. When him and Rory said that Michael and Jake would drive each other crazy they didn't mean literary.

Jake had been gone for a month. Now. No word. No nothing.

Just silence.

And Michael was just getting worse.

"I'm glad you're here, Jamie" Michael purrs out your name like a child. He extends his hand and you take it within yours slowly. " So am I" And you hold him forever, because you are his big brother in every other way. He makes a joke about hospital food and you smile. You smile because you have to. And because if you didn't. You'd be crying. And Michae-

Michael had cried enough for one life time.

"It's poison" Michael murmurs.

But you can't tell if he's talking about the hospital food anymore, or Jake.

Either way it's true.

You hold his hand for the rest of the day

"Suicide watch" Marco whispers and covers his mouth," God, no"

"That's what they're calling it?" Ryan looks defeated and tired. But that's what happens when you live off of coffee and packets of sugar for 2 months.

"They want to transfer him. Never seen a case of depression this severe before" Marco is quiet for a while. He's so strong,. You're jealous of him as you lean in and kiss his lips. He doesn't smile. But he does kiss you back. Soft and gentle. The way kisses should be. " He'll be fine" You lie.

And he smiles back.

Lies.

Tell him some more so he won't feel so down, won't you Ry?

Brian comes in and sits down in one of the cold plastic chairs. Sips some coffee and shakes his head," I don't know what to say to them anymore" Pete doesn't look surprised and drinks the coffee Brian just drank from," There's nothing to say"

"What does that mea-"

"I admire Michael" Pete whispers, putting down the cup; now half empty. "He's loved, lost and became the perfect cliché. Michael and Jake, the gay Romeo and Juliet, is it not?"

Brian looks shocked, so he just sips his coffee.

Pete was always very insightful, wasn't he?

21 Days.

Today you delete Dylan's name from your phone book completely, throw out all the bad pictures you have of him and place your head phones on your head. Ryan's asleep inside the bed room and you're just quiet. The rain lulls you to sleep, painfully slow. You like the feel though.

Release.

You're free from the drama.

Your ex boyfriend is gone.

You smile.

Dylan is gone. Too bad you happened to cause him.

His funeral was nice though.

21 days.

You bite your lip and think of ice cream, but you shake your head and resist. 21 days until Jake is missing for 3 months. The police are looking, But not hard enough. In your mind he's already dead. He was dead the day he killed Michael. And what are you?

You smile crookedly.

'I'm just a gay kid listening to their headphones. Just like you'

Snap. Flash. Shutter.

There's the cover of your next article, and the author's picture. Smile Marco, you're someone special. Tell yourself that until he rain knocks you out.

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Michael wants to say something to you. You can tell. His eyes are red and his skin his blue and he's dreaming of valium, and all you can do is breathe. Breathe in slowly and smile at him. Robby. Weren't you there from the beginning. " Breathe, Mikey" You mumble as his chest rises and falls. And you suddenly remember how much you do love him. And it takes your breath away. All you want is a kiss.

One Kiss from those lips.

So you lean over and you try to kiss him. But his eyes snap open with malice and you stumble back, almost falling off the bed. And with a tongue so sharp, and words so cutting edge that you should cry if you weren't so cold he hisses," You're not Jake"

And that's when you realize you're so gone, you don't care and kiss him anyway. Hold him down to the bed with limp wrists and kiss him. And of course his cries and shrieks push you further, making you wonder what the fuck makes Jake so special.

Then Alex walks in

Pulls you off and smacks you hard.

And you know he's wondering the same thing about Michael that you're wondering about Jake. So you kiss him as well, and make sure he fucking knows that you love him more than life. You just loved Michael more. And Alex does what he always does best.

He settles.

And that's all Robert needs to know.

Michael looks at the calendar and it's 4 months now. His eyes close and he fucking wishes he didn't feel so cold.

It's been five months when something strange happens.