Red Snow
Rating: PG-13… self-mutilation, CHARACTER DEATH
For those of you who need to know, bold is flashback and italics is thoughts. Please read and review… I need to know what you think, as this is the first story I've written with a character death.
Sometimes the most wonderful time of the year is the hardest to live through…
For David
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Sara refused to let herself cry as she watched Grissom walk out of the crime lab. The snow whirled around him as he walked through the doors, and then hid him completely from Sara's view. Biting her bottom lip furiously, Sara turned away, jerking her coat angrily onto her back. It rarely snowed in Vegas, but now it was snowing on the perfect time; Christmas Eve.
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"Merry Christmas, Grissom." He looked up to find Sara leaning against the wall in his office, a pained smile on her face, as if it hurt to see him.
"Merry Christmas, Sara… how's the case coming?" She sighed, shaking her head.
"We haven't had any cases for the last few hours, Gris, and that murder was wrapped up in the first hour of shift. Are you okay?" Grissom was gripping the handle to a drawer on his desk rather tightly, his face pensive. "Gris?" He shook his head, and then focused back on Sara.
"Please… just get out, Sara, I have a lot to work on." He swept his hand over his desk, motioning to the paperwork that had been piled there since October. Sara stepped closer, clasping her hands behind her back and steeling herself.
"Hey, Gris, my counselor thinks it would be a good idea if I didn't spend Christmas alone… would you like to come over Christmas morning?"
"No, Sara!" His voice came out harsher than he meant it to. Tears sprung to Sara's eyes and she stepped back, hurt hanging from her every feature. Before Grissom could apologize, she fled.
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Sara sighed and walked towards the doors, watching her feet as she walked. What the hell is the point…
"Hey, Sara!" Catherine called to her from the break room. Sara turned her head and saw everyone gathered there. She walked in hesitantly; she didn't want to bring everyone down. However, they barely acknowledged her presence as she came to sit at Nick's feet on the floor. Greg was sprawled on the couch, and Warrick in the chair next to Nick with a very happy Catherine sitting in his lap, her arms thrown around his neck. Nick leaned over and kissed Sara on the head. Normally, Sara would laugh and tell Nick off, but now she just looked up at him. Nick drew back automatically; Sara's eyes were hollow and aching.
"Merry Christmas, Sar."
"Thanks… you too, Nick." Her voice was quiet, like it wasn't worth the effort to talk. Nick shrugged it off and returned to a lively conversation about football with Warrick. Their smiled seemed to taunt her, a constant reminder of her own unhappiness. Sara squeezed her eyes closed, shutting them out. When was the last time I smiled and meant it? She couldn't remember. It had been a long time. At least two years. Sara looked around the room; Greg's eyes were shut as he laughed loudly… Nick was fitting a Santa hat onto his head, grinning wickedly… Warrick was watching Nick with an amused look on his face… Catherine was staring at Warrick with a longing that he would never understand. They were all so alive… they all had something to live for… it was too much for Sara. She stood abruptly, drawing everyone's attention to her.
"I should be getting home." Catherine slid off of Warrick's lap, scampering over to the couch.
"Before you go…" she reached a hand under the couch and pulled out a large package, wrapped in shiny blue paper. "This is from all of us." Sara took it, her arms feeling leaden as she reached out her arm. "Remember, we love you Sara." A card was attached to the top, her name written with a flourish on it. She smiled thankfully at them, hugging Catherine. Catherine was caught off guard- she and Sara had never been best of friends- but she returned the embrace warmly. Sara then went and kissed each of the boys on the cheek, wiping her tears from her eyes before they could see them.
"Thanks, everyone… you guys are wonderful." She couldn't take anymore; she ran from the room, clutching her present to her chest. As soon as she exited the building, she collapsed in a pile of snow, sobbing quietly. The snow melted on her cheeks, and soon her skin was soaked in water as cold as her heart felt. Several minutes later, she realized that anyone could walk out at any moment and made herself stand shakily. She picked up her present from where she had thrown is carelessly onto the pavement. She unlocked her car and slid in, starting the engine.
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Grissom reached for his glass of brandy. The gift sat on the coffee table, so innocent yet holding so much emotion. He watched it as he drank, as if it might jump up and attack him. It was amazing how something so simple could change the lives of two people…
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Sara didn't remember driving, but soon she was in her driveway. She walked dejectedly to her door. She couldn't bring herself to touch the doorknob, though… too many memories would come flooding back.
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Sara laughed and twirled her spaghetti, smiling at Grissom as he watched her eat.
"So you like it here?"
"Oh, Grissom, I love it! We should bring everyone out here."
"Let's not." She raised her eyebrows and he smiled at her. "Sometimes, it's better to keep a secret." She nodded, glad that Grissom wanted to share something with her and her alone.
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He held her close as they rocked to the music, his hands supporting her back as she rested her head on his chest. It's the third time this week we've gone out alone together… does he call this dating? What are we doing? Sara tried not to worry about these things, but obviously they were bothering Grissom as well. As the song ended, he gently led her away from the crowd and to their table.
"Sara, I've been wondering… what do we call this?" She felt like banging her head against a wall… the infamous 'this' had been brought up. What have I got to lose?
"I'd call it dating, Gris." He seemed relived, and smiled at her.
"Good… that's good." Another slow song floated through the air. Grissom brought Sara's hand to his lips, softly kissing it. "May I have this dance, Sara Sidle?" She beamed and allowed herself to be led to the dance floor once more.
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She peddled the wheels, Grissom's hand clasped in her own, not really caring where the boat went. Grissom peddled along side her, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. They had both lost count of what number date this was.
"Sara, stop for a second." The boat came to a halt, motionless in the moonlight water. Sara turned to face Grissom; he was watching her with an awed look on his face. She laughed, self-consciously brushing her hair out of her face.
"What?"
"You're just so beautiful." She blushed happily; she'd never felt more alive.
"Gris, I-"
"Sara." He interrupted, avoiding her gaze.
"Yes?" He looked back up at her, his eyes gentle as he smiled softly.
"I love you, Sara." Tears came to her eyes.
"I love you, Gris… I really do." She laughed as tears fell down her cheeks. Grissom reached up and gently wiped them away… then he closed the space between their lips.
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Sara shoved her door open, not letting herself look around. She hadn't bothered to get a tree… why remind herself how alone she was? The present from everyone at the lab had been the second present she had received. She dropped her keys on the coffee table, her present on the couch and went straight into bed. As she rolled over, she accidentally breathed in the smell of her pillow. Fresh tears came flowing uncontrollably as she hugged the pillow to her chest, remembering.
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Grissom's car pulled into her driveway… she could see him from the window. After three months of dating, Sara was tired of waiting for Grissom to make a move. He approached her door, but before he could knock, she flung it open and pulled him inside to kiss him fiercely. When she pulled away, he smiled and walked into the kitchen.
"I brought some stuff to make vegetarian omelettes… I hope you're hungry." She followed him, frustrated at his ignorance to this… need.
"Grissom…" her voice came out a whining moan. He turned, shocked, and saw her eyes burning. All that quickly, he shared her need. He stepped towards her, pinning her to the wall and kissing her passionately. Sara broke away, eying him eagerly. She led him to her bedroom, kissing him all the way.
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Sara admired Grissom's naked body as he slept along side her. She couldn't sleep, not after tonight. His eyes fluttered open and he looked at her, his eyes filled with hurt. Sara wasn't expecting this. She swooped down worriedly, kissing his forehead.
"Grissom, what's wrong?"
"I don't think we should see each other outside the lab anymore." Sara nearly fell out of bed.
"What?" Her voice was a hurt whisper… oh God, please no…
"If anyone notices, we could both loose our jobs… we've gotten too serious." Sara brought her hand to her mouth, covering it and shaking her head as her eyes filled with tears.
"No, Grissom… no. We can get through this… please don't… I love you Grissom."
"Sara, please don't make this harder." He sat up, resting his head in his hands. "I love you… but we wouldn't work."
"No… I'll quit… please, don't do this…"
"Sara, I can't let you do that." He got out of bed, grabbing his clothes off of the floor. "I'm so sorry. Please, never bring it up again." He started towards her, as if to kiss her one last time, but then drew back, thinking better of it. "Please, Sara… let it alone." His voice was pleading, and although he had stepped out of the moonlight and Sara could no longer see his face, she could tell that he was crying silently.
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Sara didn't bother to quiet herself as she sobbed loudly into her pillow. That had been a week ago. A week ago, Grissom had laid in this bed, holding her close, their bodies tangled with each others, both blissfully happy. Blinded by her tears, Sara furiously flung the blankets off the bed. Her bare feet slapped against the floor as she ran to the kitchen, hardly able to walk in a straight line. Although her vision was blurry, she could see the welcoming shine on a large knife, sitting on the counter as if waiting for her.
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Grissom sat, just holding the tiny box. He was almost afraid to open it and look at its contents. He had bought it over a week ago; this was no random impulse. Grissom, for the first time in his life, was actually listening to his heart. He was still to afraid to get hurt, too afraid to make that final step and just give the woman he loved this little box.
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She pressed the cool metal to her wrist, he hand holding the knife shaking wildly. He'll never care for you… sucking in her breath, she traced it across her skin. A small cut appeared on her arm, but not a drop of blood. This made her furious… she couldn't even control when she bled? She couldn't let him control her pain all the time. She couldn't let him control her life anymore. What the hell was the point? Had there been a point since she had met him, except, perhaps, he himself? Sara dragged the knife down her wrist once more, pressing down with a vengeance, an image of his face swimming in her mind. Blood slowly seeped out of the cut, covering her arm. Already, somewhere in her mind, Sara knew what she was going to do. She thought about writing a note, but everyone knew what they needed to; everyone at the lab knew she loved them, Grissom knew… she couldn't even bring herself to think about Grissom. Outside the lab, there was no one. No one who would care. I should go outside… cleanup will be easier… she stumbled to the door, kicking it open and stepping out onto the porch. Somewhere inside, a little alarm went off, telling her how stupid she was being. But Sara was tired of listening. She was tired of the lies. 'Someday' will never come, Grissom…
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Sara got up and followed Grissom to the living room. He was sitting on the couch, his head hanging and his form weak.
"Grissom… can't we talk about this?" He didn't even look up.
"No, Sara. It's over. We just…can't anymore." He brought himself to look up at her, his eyes filled with unshed tears. "Every second with you was wonderful… and someday, it will be again, I swear to you Sara." He got up, grabbing his coat. Sara stood, a sheet wrapped around her body. She was still so shocked and confused. She didn't even react when Grissom kissed her forehead on the way out.
"I love you, Sara Sidle… I promise, someday…"
Then he was gone.
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The snow was colored red, all around her. She'd moved on from her wrist to her stomach, cutting it steadily. More than anything, it was methodic… trace it slowly, deeply, across her skin… bring it back to the top, drag it down again… Sara watched, dazed, as the blindly white snow changed color all around her. It was dark… no one could see the tears trailing down her face, or the slow movement of her hand as she dragged the knife across her growing ever paler skin. She gasped and sobbed. I wish there was another way… oh god, I'm so sorry…
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Grissom had made up his mind; first thing in the morning, he would go over to Sara's and give her the present. With this decision firm in his mind, Grissom pulled the covers up to his chin and tried to fall asleep.
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His phone rang early in the morning, jarring him awake. He reached over and picked it up.
"Grissom." He heard sobbing on the other end of the line. "Sara?"
"It's me, Gil." Catherine's usually strong voice was cracking as she sobbed heavily.
"Cath? What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Its Sara…" Grissom dropped the phone, staring into space. No… this can't be real.
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He pulled into the driveway, as he had done so many times in the three months before. Brass was there, standing by a drift of snow that, from Grissom stood, looked tinted pink. As he stepped closer, he could see that it was mostly red. He felt like vomiting, but keeping an ever-professional attitude, he stepped closer. She was still beautiful; her face was pale, her eyes wide and full of pain. Tears came to his eyes and he turned away… this, he couldn't take. This is all my fault… if I'd just come last night…
"I'm sorry, Gil." Brass had tears flowing down his cheeks. "She was like a daughter to me… I know she was so much more to you."
"Is, um… there a note?"
"No, Gil. Nothing." Grissom chuckled… it was Sara. He was still in shock. "I'm sorry, Gil, I shouldn't have had Catherine call you… I just thought you'd want to know.
"Thanks, Jim." Grissom walked away slowly. Only when he was in his car did the sobbing start.
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ONE WEEK LATER
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Grissom stood by the coffin, not hearing the words of the priest. Sara lay in a beautiful dress, her body cold and still. Her wounded brown eyes had been closed. The priest closed bible and asked if there was anyone who wanted to place anything in the coffin to be buried along with the body or if anyone needed to step forth and say goodbye. No one had the strength… this was their Sara. They were about to shut the lid when Grissom took one step closer to her body. He couldn't see what he was doing, but he felt around in his pocket until he found the small present. Opening the box, he took out the ring and placed on her ring finger.
"I love you, Sara… I'm so sorry I didn't give you this… in time. I'm so sorry." He leaned in, tears trickling down his face as he kissed her cold forehead. He stepped back, and they shut the lid, lowering his beautiful Sara into the ground forever. Grissom couldn't stay around to see that. Breaking away from the gathering there, he ran.
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He sat on top of a hill, watching the crowd slowly depart. Soon, she was all alone. He stood, walking down the hill quickly. He stood in front of the ground where she was.
"I love you…" he let the tears fall. Suddenly, a warm wind wrapped around his body, blowing away the tears from his cheeks. He felt as if someone were holding him. He laughed as more tears fell. Sara was there, in quite a few senses. Her body lay beneath the ground. Her ghost seemed to be near, holding him. And her spirit? It would live forever in Grissom's heart.
The End