Teenage Dirtbag
Part Two- Change
AN: This chapter is entirely for Phoenix-san. Thanks for the review. :D You just don't know how much you've inspired me to continue this fanfic. Domo arigatou! Hope you like this one.
"Have you seen Seishirou around?"
That question keeps on playing inside my mind. No. Not really the words but the voice of the one who said it.
"Have you seen Seishirou around?"
Again. The deep and icy voice of the one who said it keeps on rewinding itself in my brain.
"Have you seen Kamui around?"
Haha. I really hope that someday, he'll ask something like that with my name on it. Instead of Seishirou's.
My mother died several years ago. Does someone care enough to listen? Okay. Since then, I've become cynical. Half cynical I think. Because I still believe in love. Wait. I don't totally believe in it, because I'm always unfortunate when it comes to things which involve love. But I really believe in love, because of Monou Fuuma.
Perhaps I'm a masochist. Why? Because if I'm not, I will never be happy. I abuse my eyes. My heart. My feelings. My whole individuality. When I'm thinking about Fuuma.
I wonder if that certain moment will ever happen again. Monou Fuuma standing right in front of me. Fuuma looking at me. He… talking to me. There's no one else around us. Just the two of us.
"Kamui, can we talk?" Subaru enters my small room.
"What do you want?" I ask him with a slight sound of coldness in my voice. I'm not even bothering myself to look at him. Because I know it might just bring us to something else again.
"I… I'm sorry about last night…," he says with a ghostly voice.
I know Subaru is sincere whenever he says sorry. But that isn't enough reason for me to return his feelings. I'm just really wishing that he would find someone else. Someone who will love him for the rest of his life. I know, Subaru is worthy of all the love in the world. That is why I can't love him back. Because I have nothing of worth to give him. Because I, myself, am nothing.
"Forget about that crap. I don't even have the time to think about it," I tell him in a dull voice.
"Crap? You call that 'crap'!? I've just revealed to you the love that I have for you! Don't you know it takes time to realize a feeling so strong as that! And then you'll just call that crap!?"
No, Subaru. You didn't reveal it. You've just repeated it.
Still, I become a bit a guilty.
"Subaru, I'm sorry if you think that the term I used was too harsh. I didn't mean to----"
Subaru has now calmed down a bit, "Kamui… please… give me a chance. I promise you! You'll never regret accepting my love for you! And you'll never regret loving me back…"
"Stop it! I'm tired of dealing with you about that stuff! For the last time, let me tell you that I don't love you the way you want me to! You don't stand a chance! Leave me alone! I don't need you!"
That's probably the longest sentence I've said for this day because I got too busy repeating in my thoughts that certain scenario that happened a while ago. With Fuuma… how I wish I could be with him.
"Why… you've hurt me a lot…, Kamui. When you mean the whole world to me…"
Suddenly, it feels as though something has just hit my head. I mean the whole world to Subaru? But I'm nothing… I'm worthless. Why, Subaru? How can you say those words…?
Slowly, I look at him with blurry eyes, "See… I'm sorry if I've hurt you. Please, leave. Leave me for now."
"Fine…," Subaru sure is tired by now. But he just won't give up. I'm tired.
Fuuma… How I wish that those words Subaru has said were from you…
"WHAAAAAAT?!?!?" Keiichi shrieks, "MONOU-SAN!?! He--- he---"
Because Keiichi is screaming as if there's an earthquake, some students start to glare at us. They are glaring at us because of the mention of Fuuma's surname. But without the word "Monou", they will pay no attention to us. See, that's how popular Fuuma is in this entire school.
I tap his shoulder, I'm a bit embarrassed with the way he's acting right now.
"Sssshhh!!! Can't you even speak a little softer?"
Keiichi's our class president. But he acts as if he's not. He's in that position not because he's famous in our class. He became the class president because he is smart. And well, smart isn't cool here, you know. Smart guys are considered nerds. So our classmates elected Keiichi in that position without even thinking if he can manage or not. They just really don't care. It's a good thing though because Keiichi's a really bright guy. But then, aside from me, who else gives a damn about it?
With his puppy eyes, he asks once more, "But! Seriously? Kamui! Did he really…?"
"Yes."
"CONGRATULATIONS, KAMUI-CHAN!!! So when is the party???" he asks joyfully with this really big stupid grin on his face,
"Shut up." I don't know if Keiichi really *is* glad about it or he's just subtly insulting me.
"How many words did he say?! What are those words?? Was his voice high-pitched or deep when he talked to you that time?! What parts of your body did he stare at when you were in front of him??"
First, he spoke a total of twelve words.
Second, he said: Gentleman, excuse, me, have, you, seen… Yes, you get the picture.
Next, his voice was deep like always.
Lastly, he… He didn't even look at me. Well, he *did* see my back. But aside from that… nothing else… He did not even look me at my eyes. Dammit.
"Speak up, Kamui-chan!," Keiichi pats my back.
"Kamui… -chan…?" What's with that name Keiichi has just called me?
"Yup! Kamui-chan! Let's say… it could be our term of endearment! Haha!" Keiichi is now laughing foolishly.
And I find that unfunny.
"Don't you even dare call me *that* again," I warn Keiichi, a bit heartlessly.
"Just kidding! See! I'm very happy for you! After centuries, Monou-san has finally talked to you! You sure are one lucky guy, aren't you?!" Keiichi, as always, announces to the whole world genkily. I have never met anyone as cheerful as him in my life. He's unique…
Unique. I can say everybody is unique. Everyone has something in him that makes him so special.
"You are special, Kamui-chan," my best-friend Kotori once told me.
Kotori… She was my ex-girlfriend. And she's dead. I've already forgotten all about her and my feelings for her. Maybe I didn't really love her enough.
Kotori. Mother. Aunt Tokiko. Aunt Saya. All the ladies in my life have seemed to vanish one by one. They were the ones who truly loved me. That's why I'm very much afraid to be loved. Because there is something that can make them disappear, too… One day. I just know it.
I'm afraid for Subaru. I'm afraid for Keiichi. I suppose that's the reason why I can't love them back the way they love me.
But Fuuma… I can't be afraid for him. Because there's nothing going on between the two of us that I should be afraid of. So Fuuma not noticing me at all is a good thing. Great.
"Ei! Kamui! Let's change topic even though I know you still don't want to," Keiichi giggles naughtily.
Huh. How did he know? Is it very obvious already that I still want to talk about Fuuma?
"What topic? Make sure I'll find that important enough or else you'll find me whacking you."
"Is that a joke?! Great! Now you can pull out a joke! Thanks to Monou-san! Hahaha!"
"That's not a joke."
"Anyway… there's an audition going on for our school festival. I think there's going to be a school play."
Who cares? Like I care.
"Umm… No response, Kamui?"
How can Keiichi even imagine me being interested in stuffs such as the school festival?
I just give him an uninterested sigh, "I don't give a damn about that thing you are trying to say."
"Even if I'll say that Monou-san is the lead character?," Keiichi teases. And that instantly catches my attention.
I look at him directly into the eyes. Some say that the eyes are the mirrors to one's soul, right? I want to find out if what he's saying is true, or if he's just pulling some pranks on me.
"Fuuma?" I ask with my eyes a bit widened.
"Yup! You've heard that right! They're looking for his love-interest in the story!"
I'm now very interested, "Can't they have Seishirou for that role? Heck, they can ask Seishirou even though he doesn't study here."
"If they can then they will, believe me! But in the story, the role that they are currently looking for an actor is a pale guy, with innocent eyes, and thin body frame that can be dominated over by anyone. See! Seishirou's just not the type!"
"Really? I mean… are you serious?"
"Yeah! I wouldn't waste my saliva telling you that if it's not true, you know!" Keiichi smiles at me, while teasing me a little. I think he has already noticed that I'm quite, or should I say very, interested about what he's saying.
"Well, if you are not interested at all, I will now fly out merrily and inform about it to someone else!"
"No! Please! Tell me everything about it!" I beg Keiichi. This would be the first time I'll ever beg of him.
"Aha… Now I see! Monou-san *is* really your weak point!" He's grinning. I know something is going on his mind. Well, whatever that is, I don't care. All I care about right now is *that* role.
"Well… The story of the play is about two brothers. The older one, who's going to be played by Monou-san, fell madly deeply in love with his younger brother, whom we don't know who's going to get the role just yet! The story is called 'Verboten Love'! Believe me! I've read the script and I found it very tragic and angst-driven! It's a really weird story!"
"How were you able to put your hands on that script?" I ask him since I think it's quite impossible for Keiichi to be involved with… fun and interesting things such as the school play. Or so I thought it was.
"I'm a homeroom officer, remember? Even though I'm damn nothing in those rascals' eyes, I have some authority!," he boasts.
I just nod, "Right…"
"So! What do you think? Are you going to audition anyway?"
I pause for a second. I don't think I can do it. See. They will just ignore me. I'm not popular. I have no talent. And I'm very timid. Everyone's just going to send me out. Crap. Now this is bothering me. What…
I slowly shake my head, "No… I can't do it…"
I know I can't. I have no time to fool around, encouraging myself that I can do it. I know I'm stupid enough. But still…
"WHAT!?! ARE YOU CRAZY!?! This is the chance to get close to that Fuuma! Can't you imagine it?! See! You'll rehearse with him four hours a day! That means, you'll be able to talk with him! You'll be sharing intimate scenes with him! Lucky you if he gets carried away! Kamui! You're perfect for the role! Large amethyst eyes and all! White fragile skin! GODDAMNIT! You're completely fitting for that role! Trust me!"
"I just… don't stand a chance."
"It's time to change! We'll never know unless you try! Time to show them what you have! This time, I'll be asking you to change! Not for me but for that godforsaken love of your life! Kamui! Don't you realize!? It's now or never!" Keiichi says, almost shaking me out of my wits.
Now… or never…?
"You're not doing this for fame! You're doing this for HIM!!! HIM!!! JUST FOR HIM!!!!! Kamui! If you'll not audition, you'll drive me insane!!!!"
For… him… just him. Do I have the courage that I'm sure I'll be needing? Keiichi's right. This is now or never. If I'll not do this, I'll regret this for the rest of my life.
"KAMUI!!!! I'll support you! Promise! I'll stand by your side!! AUDITION PLEASSSSSEE!!!!" Keiichi is now begging on his knees while looking at me with his puppy eyes.
Why is Keiichi very eager in pushing me into this? Is he up to something?
"I'm doing this for you! I'm your friend, I love you, and I want you to be happy! I know you're not getting the love you really want from me! That's why I want to find it and bring it to you personally! You want Fuuma sincerely, right? Let's get him!"
Keiichi. He always has a point. And unlike Subaru, he understands me better. I'm not saying that Subaru can't understand me. I mean, Keiichi is Keiichi.
"So… After my begging and nagging and everything… Are you able to make up your mind? Kamui?"
"Okay."
He shuts up for a while. Maybe contemplating on what I have just said.
Then he blinks twice, "What do you mean… 'okay'?"
"I'll audition."
Long pause. Breathe. Both of us try to breathe in some fresh air after that long pause. Until…
"HOORAY!!!!!! THAT'S THE BESTEST DECISION I'VE EVER HEARED FROM YOU, KAMUI-CHAAAAAN!!!!"
I smile a bit. Just a bit, "Can you cut the 'Kamui-chan' part? Please…?"
Keiichi's smile widens some more. And then he gives me a warm hug.
"Whoa! All right! Your wish is my command!"
I notice that with the way Keiichi's screaming right now, he's very happy about my decision. I'm glad because in spite of me being useless, I am still able to make my friend happy. Maybe I'm… changing. Changing for the better. And this is because of Keiichi's company.
All of a sudden, Keiichi puts his arms around me, "Come on! Let's go there right now! Pray that those who know about it are still few!"
Is this me? I'll fall in line, hoping that I will have that role? I smile secretly.
But… what if I don't get the role? I know my whole heart will be broken. And I'll be broken for the rest of my life.
"Don't forget that in order to succeed, you have to be optimistic!" Keiichi reminds me once again.
Perhaps, that's the best thing to do. But what if Fuuma will not choose me?
There's a huge possibility since----
"Stop the 'what ifs' I'm hearing from your mind! Let me inform you that Fuuma is just going to be there to observe! He won't be the one to choose who's going to get the role! The director will choose! So show 'em! Sweep off their feet!! Okay?"
I look at Keiichi. I'm deeply touched. He really is happy about this. Once I have the chance, I'll thank him with all my heart. But not now. Maybe some other time. I'm not good at expressing my gratitude. But I'm slowly trying to change.
"NEXT!!!" The director of the play shouts.
"Kamui! Wake up from your thoughts! You're next!"
Me? My goodness. Now I can feel my heart pounding very fast. Very loud.
"NEXT!!!" The director yells some more. She has been saying that for the twenty-third time since Keiichi and I arrived.
"WAIT A MINUTE!!! He's coming!" Keiichi shouts back for me. Then he points at this one direction. One direction that I think can blind me.
He then whispers to me, "There. You see him?"
Fuuma. With Seishirou. Who cares about Seishirou? I'm doing this for Fuuma alone. I don't care if that Seishirou will think of me as a "daredevil."
"Yes…" I whisper back to Keiichi. Then he gives me a gentle smile.
"He's watching…! Break a leg!"
"T--- thanks…"
"Now, go…!"
With my heart thumping very intensely, I head toward the director. I wonder if Fuuma's observing me. How I wish he is.
This is for Fuuma…. my happiness…
Fuuma.
Tsuzuku.