Teenage Dirtbag

Part Four- Absurd

Disclaimer: X belongs to CLAMP-sama, AU, OOC~

He dislikes me. I can clearly feel it. But why?

"Heyyyy!!! What has Kamui done to you??? What do you mean by he's your problem? Is there something wrong with you? Look! He's just SUPER concerned about you even though he doesn't really know who you are and then you're saying that HE IS your problem?!? DUH!!"

It seems that what Nataku said has sunk in faster to Keiichi than to me.

"Keiichi, let me hear him out first."

"But this is pathetic!"

I look at Nataku. He is still glaring at me… hard, "Why did you say so?"

"Because you are."

"What have I done to you?" I'm confused. As far as I can remember, I've never done anything to the extent that someone will get angry with me. Well, except Subaru. But that's another story."

"You've just done the cruelest thing on Earth," Nataku answers in a soft but seemingly very angry voice.

I blink, "What… do you mean? I don't really get what you're trying to say."

"Of course you won't because you're in cloud nine."

Now this is troubling me. I think he's holding a grudge against me. He's talking to me in a very hostile manner. Emotionless. And he wouldn't take away his fuming gaze at me. But tell me. What have I done? I really have no idea.

I swallow hard; I'm trying to be as rational as I can be right now. "I'm talking to you politely so please answer me politely. I have no idea about what you're talking about so please, I repeat, please tell me what the problem is. I want to know. What have I done to you? You know, this is the first time I've ever met you that's why I'm really confused."

"You, just like everyone else, took him away from me."

Without batting an eyelid, I ask him, "Who… 'him'?"

"Fuuma."

I give him my default reaction whenever I'm confused. I blink twice, "Fuu… ma…?"

"Yes. Fuuma," he says in a monotonous voice.

My eyebrows furrow, "What do I have to do with Fuuma?"

"Didn't you hear!?! You took him away from me! Damn you!" he shouts with so much hatred.

My eyes widen, "I didn't! Besides, he's not mine!"

"Yes he isn't yours but you still took him away…!"

I don't get it. I've never taken Fuuma away. As a matter of fact, I feel that Fuuma is being taken away from me all these times. I look at him, and then he's gone. I pray for him, but I'm not in his arms. I want him, but he can never be mine, not ever. So what the hell is this Nataku trying to say?

"Hey! Kamui's taking away no one!" Keiichi says to him. Now here goes Keiichi again. Saving me. Protecting me. He's such a true friend.

"WHY!?! WHY YOU!?!" Nataku screams with tears falling from his eyes.

Tears. I've shed so many tears. For mom. For Aunt Tokiko. For Aunt Saya. For Kotori. And… for Fuuma… But unlike the ladies, Fuuma has never tried to wipe my tears away. Of course, he won't. Yes, now he knows my name. But aside from that, there's… nothing. You see, I want to be close to him. Not just physically but… I want to be with him spiritually. I want him to know me the way no one else does. I want him to discover my inner being, the real me. I want to be a part of him and at the same time I want him to be a part of me. I want him to own me. Is it my fault that I fell so much in love with him?

"What do you mean…? Why me?" I ask Nataku in a calm voice. I don't want him to get angrier with me so I'm trying hard to be very calm. All I want to do now is to make everything clear.

Suddenly, his gaze at me becomes gentle. And now, it seems to me that he's very close to crying because his eyes have become watery. I can almost see the real Nataku in those eyes. But then, I've never known any Nataku.

"You… you were the reason I… I was ignored…," he says between sobs.

I place my hands on his back trying to calm him, rubbing it continuously.

"How come I'm the reason…?"

"I LOVE HIM, CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND!?" he unexpectedly reveals.

I swallow hard. That surprised me. My eyes are now fixed at him, and I'm unable to move.

"You love him….?"

I pause for a couple of second.

Then finish my sentence, "……too?"

He bows his head. Maybe he thinks that by doing that, he can hide his crystalline tears from me. But I can still see teardrops trickling down. So pure. Full of innocence. Unlike mine which are full of pain.

"I've been longing all my life to be with him even for just a short while… You see, I can't really understand my feelings but I feel so attracted to him, that it seems that I'd die if I'll not be able to see him! Laugh at me if you want. I understand if you don't get what I'm trying to say because I know it seems pointless. But I'm desperate. It seems that the world is punishing me. BUT I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! Is loving Fuuma wrong?!? I can't understand… But this is me… a foolish being who knows that my chances are close to nothing…"

Wait. I have mentioned the same exact words, haven't I? Except that I said that I'm a foolish "admirer." While he said "being". Crap. That doesn't matter at all, does it?

"But I… I didn't know…," I don't know if what are the right words to say now.

"Of course you don't know. Perhaps, no one does. No one. Because no one knows me and no one gives a damn about me."

Listen to him. It's like… me, right? We talk in the same manner. And the words we use are almost identical, right?

Is it possible that… in a way, there is someone like me?

Or maybe… weaker than I am?

I mean, is there someone as damned as me in this entire world?

I look at Keiichi. It looks like his first impression of Nataku and his attitude towards him have suddenly changed. From hostile, it turns into pity. I return my gaze at Nataku. Now I feel the same way as Keiichi.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…" I try my very best to comfort him.

"Wait, Kamui. Don't say sorry to him yet. You see, we still don't know if why he feels that way toward you. Yes, we know now that you both "love" Fuuma but that's not enough reason for him to hate you to the point that he's saying that you are his problem," Keiichi explains seriously.

Yes. Keiichi's totally serious about this, I think. For once, he's serious.

"Are you willing to waste your time listening to me?" Nataku asks in a soft voice.

I smile at him a little. Then I nod my head, "Yes, of course."

We head toward the campus' backyard in order to discuss this issue better. This place in the campus can almost be considered as my 'hang-out' whenever I'm with Keiichi during break time. Or oftentimes, when I'm alone thinking about Kotori. Her gentle face and the memories of her within me. It's really sad. But… ever since it came to my senses that I love Fuuma, I have moved on nevertheless.

"…She told me she likes me, that I have a chance! I was really expecting that I'm going to have the role until you came and butted in!" Nataku confesses. Dammit, he's angry again.

Wait. I did not go there just to butt in or something like that. I went there to audition, to get close to the person I love. Breathe, Kamui. Nataku must be in a very miserable state right now. I think I should try harder to understand him.

"Hey! Kamui didn't butt in! He did fall in line and waited to be called!" Keiichi tries to explain to Nataku.

Ah--- ohoho. Keiichi's very… laid-back. Despite this kind of dramatic situation, he still manages to ease the tension with his naïve, cheerfully spoken words.

Nataku grits his teeth, "The director told me that I have a great potential to acquire the role. I was very happy when she told me those encouraging words such as I have the looks that they're looking for, the expression of my eyes, and all…! And I counted on those words! I fell in love with those praises that I already convinced myself that I'm going to have the role."

"She also told Kamui that, you know!"

Oh, Keiichi. You should shut up first.

Oh well, Nataku doesn't seem to have heard Keiichi.

"After that, she told me to wait for the results until tomorrow! But I didn't leave! I was waiting for her to tell me that exact moment that I'd be getting the role! I didn't want to wait for tomorrow anymore because I've already convinced myself that no one else will pass the audition but me!" he cries out like a child throwing out a tantrum.

"I see… now I understand…," I tell Nataku and to myself subconsciously.

"Everything was doing fine for me until…." Nataku sobs, "…..until you came….."

Now, I'm beginning to understand him. Like many other people, like me, he loves Fuuma.

He sobs for a minute then look directly in my eyes.

"You're lucky, aren't you?" Nataku asks me innocently.

Yes I know that I'm lucky. After what has happened to me a while ago with Fuuma, and that I have gotten the role, I know I must be the luckiest person alive. But… I can't say these words to Nataku. He'll feel more abandoned.

"What do you mean I'm lucky?" I ask him, trying to hide my happiness. Trying my best to pretend that I don't know what he's talking about.

"Despite the fact that you have gotten the role, you shared a very intimate moment with him…" he says while feigning a smile.

"Yes… but what are you trying to say?"

"I did my very best to act the scene that the director instructed me to. I poured all my emotion in it. I wasn't with Fuuma then. It was a monologue scene. If ever she told me to do the scene that you did with Fuuma, I'm pretty sure I'm the one rejoicing now."

I swallow hard. I think now I understand what he means and what he's trying to point out.

"Wait, wait. Now I understand. Maybe, right now, you are the director's second choice. I mean, if ever something bad happens to Kamui, and I wish nothing will, the director will contact you since you are originally her choice before Kamui came!" Keiichi explains hysterically.

"Yes." Nataku replies, then the sad and gentle look on his eyes suddenly becomes piercing.

Keiichi, curse you! Now I have a strong feeling that Nataku suddenly has gotten an idea on how to get the role. That narrow gaze, it gives me chills.

Will Nataku, a seemingly gentle and innocent being, go as far as "that" far just to be with Fuuma?

I know I should not quickly judge Nataku but I can't help but be scared. My lips have started to quiver and all I want to do now is to step back and run away. Why? Because I'm afraid of that gaze Nataku is gluing at me right now.

What should I do? Those eyes of Nataku are like stabbing my very existence. Like me, he's so desperate. He's like a Swiss Army knife. So small but can be used in various ways. Nataku is a gentle devil, I say.

"If… something bad will happen to Kamui…?" I can hear Nataku whispering under his breath.

Now this is getting dangerous.

I don't really care if he'll kill me (or something like that) just to get the role. But I… care for Nataku. He loves Fuuma that's why he'll do anything just to get close to him. I'm like him that's why I can understand him and I'm now concerned about his feelings.

I mean… I don't want Nataku to dirty his hands in order to be with Fuuma. I don't want him to commit a sin.

I pause for what it seems like an eternity. Then I try to collect all the energy inside my body to be able to talk again after that long contemplation I've just done.

I wet my tongue. Then gulp. Then face Nataku once more.

"Nataku… I understand you. I'm sure you have no idea but actually, we're almost the same. We lack attention and care from the people around us. We love someone who doesn't even know us. We dream of the same person every night… but the next day, when we wake up, we are hurt because we realize that we will never have him because he already has an owner."

I notice Keiichi is staring at me anxiously. He probably can't comprehend what I'm trying to say.

I clear my throat. Then smile in a manner I can't describe. I seem to be doing things unconsciously and I don't know why. It's like… something is forcing me to say and do what I say and do.

"Kamui…? What has gotten into you?" Keiichi worries, "You're talking… a little bit… out of character…?"

"No, Keiichi. I am not."

With what I have just said, I notice that Nataku's narrow gaze at me becomes innocent.

"Kamui-san…? What do you mean…?" he asks me.

"I've already gotten what I was asking for: to be close to him, to talk to him, and for him to look at my eyes. I think I've already had so much."

"Kamui!?!" Keiichi is now lost for words that all he can do now is say my name.

"I've made up my mind."

"Ah--- about what?!?" Keiichi cries out.

"I'll… quit."

"Quit what!?!"

"I'll give the role to Nataku."

I can see Keiichi's eyes widen in shock after hearing what I said.

"Kamui!!! Are you insane?! What the hell are you talking about!?!"

Nataku stares at me in awe, "are you… serious, Kamui-san?"

"Yes, I am," is what I said. But… am I really serious?

"Kamui! You are crazy! You've waited for so long to get close to him! And then--- and then---" Keiichi stammers.

"But I've already gotten close to him. I've already embraced him and I'm happy with that."

"But… you worked so hard to get that role…! And I know you want it!"

I close my eyes to contemplate on what Keiichi said. Yes, I know I want it. But like what I've said, I'm already happy with everything that has happened so far.

"And you can't do it just like that! I'm sure the director would be very disappointed!"

"Well, I'll tell her I can't do it."

"But she knows YOU CAN!"

"Then I'll show her I can't. That's easy. Or, I'll say I'll back out because…"

I look at Nataku. His face has no reaction whatsoever. Maybe he's taken aback by my decision.

"Because what!? Because you want to give way to Nataku?! Duh! You will ruin not just your dreams but also the whole play!"

"Didn't you hear? Nataku told us that the director likes him, too! And he could have had gotten the role if I didn't arrive! And you see, it was me who shattered Nataku's hopes and I shall pay for that!"

"No way! The role is destined for you because you are destined to be with Monou-san!"

I don't want to look at Keiichi right now. He's trying to change my decision and I know that soon, he might be able to convince me to take everything I've said back. But I don't want to.

Nataku gulps. Then let out an innocent pleasant smile, his eyes are gleaming, "I don't know what to say… Thank you…, Kamui-san…"

I'm very happy to see Nataku's pure smile. But half of myself is crying. Because I know, I can no longer be with Fuuma. I'll be back to normal. Fantasizing about him… something like that. Tell me I'm lame because I admit I am.

"Kamui….?" Keiichi is like pleading me right now. I ignore him. Then I smile back at Nataku.

"Nataku, promise me you'll do your very best to make the play successful. And please be gracious all the time so Fuuma will be very pleased with you. That's all I ask of you for return."

Nataku gives me a soft nod in response while that innocent smile is still on his lips, "I promise."

I'm happy with that reply. And I'm serious I tell you.

"Kamui, you can still take back that absurd whatever-you-want-to-call-that," Keiichi says. I'm not sure if he's pleading or if he just currently finds the situation impossible that he can't say anything coherent anymore.

"I'll take back nothing."

What has gotten into me? Am I still Kamui or have I been possessed?

I'm now walking down this street. I'm planning to go home but my feet are bringing me somewhere else I don't know and I'm too preoccupied to care. I can feel the wind slapping my face just like what Keiichi's words were doing a while ago.

I've made the decision, haven't I? And I can't take it back anymore because doing that will further hurt Nataku's feelings. I don't want him to feel the way I do.

I know the feeling of being neglected because I've felt that way too often and I don't want anyone to feel that as well because really, it hurts a lot.

My feet are leading me toward this very beautiful cherry blossom tree. It feels so pure and I don't smell blood so this tree isn't Seishirou's infamous tree. Great.

I place my hand on its thick trunk then close my eyes. Inhale, exhale.

I do this often in memory of Kotori. Doing this makes me feel warm. Especially when I think of a beautiful girl, with long golden hair. This makes very comfortable.

I still do love Kotori, don't I?

But I have to admit that my heart is currently beating for this young man named Fuuma.

I'm doing fine standing in front of this tree…

"Oh----!"

Until someone places a heavy hand on my mouth, covering it.

I can't react. I'm afraid. I look at that "someone." I don't know him at all. Beside him, there are three more man who all have malicious smirks on their lips.

"Look what we have in here," one of them says.

"Skinny lad! Oh yummy, he looks delicious."

What the---! Now I have an idea on what's with them. They are just random maniacs who happen to see a plaything.

No! I shall not be that plaything! NO!!!!

"I'm excited to taste him."

I want to shout at the top of my lungs but I can't! This damn huge hand is covering my little mouth with all its might! My god!! I never thought this could happen to me! NO!!! I need someone to help me! This couldn't be happening! PLEASSSEEE!!!!!

"Go, unbutton his polo shirt!"

Shit! Let me go!!! I want to beg of them.

Like what the other has said, someone starts to unbutton my shirt.

No, no, no, NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Damn! Let me go!

I know what they are up to. They are planning to toy with me.

STOP!

I can hardly breathe. Tears are now falling from my eyes. I don't know what this damned fate awaits me anymore!

LET ME GO!!!!

My pale chest is exposed now.

NO! PLEASE NO!

"Remove your hand from his mouth, dude. I want to hear him scream," someone suggests.

"Fine."

This man covering my mouth finally removes his hand.

I gasp hard for air. I look at them. I'm crying.

"DAMN YOU! Let me go!"

They get a hold of my wrists. Moving me closer to their huge bodies.

"STOP THIS! YOU GUYS ARE INSANE! I have nothing to do with you!" I scream.

"Scream, baby, scream!" one of the guys say with a very aroused expression on his face.

"Shit! Let me----- HEEEELP!!!"

Someone grabs my neck. But before he could do something again, I suddenly see a fifth man stop and meddle with them.

"Please let him go," he demands politely.

What! Someone's here to rescue me! My heartbeat starts to rise.

"Let him go. He's no match against you. Please, spare him," he adds.

"Now who the hell are you? A hero?"

"I'm not. I just happen to be a young man who witnesses four men ganging up on a young kid."

His voice seems very unfamiliar to my ears. Very gentle.

...Who is he?

My eyes try to reach out to him.

He's wearing gray pants, royal blue turtleneck long sleeves and then a cream-colored trench coat...

He has a long pale golden hair and...

Wait… his face is blurred.... and....

I pass out.

--

Tsuzuku.