Mother Nature has a Hold on Me

She still remembered the first time he'd kissed her. She always would. It was a memory that couldn't die, along with the countless other brief and fleeting moments of secret and hidden passion spent in his clandestine company. It broke her heart to think about it now, now that he had ceased to care about her, now that he'd moved on. Well, it was what they'd wanted. They'd agreed, it was for the best. So why couldn't she move on? Why did it hurt so badly that he could?

They'd been dueling. A regular occurrence, as it provided some easy training. In a way, it was relaxing. They even talked as they fought, until the heat got turned up and they became more than themselves, focused entirely on the moment. Life did not exist outside the moment in those climaxes of fiery passion that only fighting brought forth. Well, she'd thought only fighting brought forth. Now she knew she was wrong.

He'd played a foul trick, causing her to trip over her own feet, and stumble to the floor. She could still hear that cocky laugh as they both turned off their lightsabers. She'd felt the rage build within her as she snarled and he just laughed.

"Guess I won again, huh, Mara?"

He circled slowly whilst she remained immobile on the smooth floor, until he came around to her head. She could see the reflection of his black boots in the polished floor, and her scowl only increased. He clipped his lightsaber back onto his belt, and knelt down, a hand out to help her up. Still glaring, she took the hand and struggled to her feet, replacing the lightsaber back onto its designated spot on her belt. However, Luke had used just a bit too much pull to help drag her to her feet, and threw off her balance. Suddenly finding herself pitching foreword again, she smacked straight into Lord Skywalker, who caught and held her for a second. Before either of them could pull apart or even say anything, Luke had tilted her head up…

And he'd kissed her.

Time in memoriam froze, and Jade felt that she never wanted it to start back up again. To both it was their first kiss. And she suddenly felt stranger than she ever had before. Her harsh and confrontational front towards him changed in that one single moment. And she wasn't sure she was quite willing to pull it back.

The kiss ended and she quickly pushed back, very consciously aware that they had done something wrong. Very wrong.

"You're really the best friend I have," he'd told her when they were a few years younger. That in and of itself was dangerous enough. Had they stopped being just friends? Were they evolving into something else entirely? And if so, at what price?

"Don't pretend you didn't enjoy that," he demanded impatiently, trying to take another step toward her. She was too stiff and surprised to stop him from reaching out for her, but when she realized he was trying to kiss her again, she very swiftly pulled away.

"Hey, knock it off." It was said with very little conviction behind it.

"You don't really mean that."

"Yes I do. We'll get in trouble with our master if we do something like that."

"I don't care."

"Yes you do, so do I. We all care. Maybe not now, but when he knows….when the punishment comes….then you care. You have to care."

"Do you ever think that maybe we could take him?"

She looked up sharply, stunned, only to see that he was very serious.

"Luke….that's treason."

"We could, you know. He's not that much more powerful, and I'm getting stronger, everyday-"

"Shut up, you moron, before someone hears you!"

"I don't care!" he practically shouted. "Let the whole galaxy hear! I could do it, Mara. We could do it."

"I don't want to hear this…I'm not hearing this…"

She covered her ears with her hands, only to be suddenly snatched up by Lord Skywalker again and rather roughly kissed.

"Now try and tell me it isn't worth a little treason."

She opened her mouth to try and say something, but was stopped with another kiss. No matter how many times she managed to gather up her far flung thoughts into a coherent sentence, he kept dashing them to pieces again. She gave up, she gave in.

"Okay….so maybe it's worth it."

And that was the scariest part: it was. His visits on Coruscant, their missions together – if they were being babysat by her secret boyfriend's father then they snuck somewhere relatively safe. A closet, perhaps. Whenever there was a spare moment of safety, it would be spent in each other's arms, covering each other's faces in wild and frenzied kisses. They told each other that they'd missed the other, that they had thought about their partner all the time. Whether they actually had or not was never called into question. They didn't know how little love affairs were supposed to work, so they made it up on the spot, for the most part. They said meaningless words to each other, that on occasion happened to be true. Why did they do it? The thrill, mostly. Young and hot blooded, it was fun to break the rules. The punishment was only rarely thought about, and the thought was quickly banished. They bought or made each other little presents that meant absolutely nothing, but were still wonderful to give and receive.

And then, almost very suddenly, it changed from just a child's game at love into an all consuming passion that Mara Jade could never fully let go of…

…

They'd been sent – together, and, thank the Force, alone! – to perform a discreet assassination on a Force Sensitive that appeared to be leaning more towards the Rebel faction every day. It had been surprisingly difficult, but a quick kill, and Luke and Mara, in their small but sturdy ship, were ready to take off again.

Accept that something was very wrong.

Luke flipped switches and brought up information from the computer system while Jade sat back and let him. This little ship was practically his baby, and he was near the breaking point in finding out what was the matter with her. He swore and slammed his fist down onto the arm of his chair, snarling viciously.

"Hyper drive is down, and the engine is programmed not to take off if I can't get the appropriate speed."

She gave him a funny look. "Why did you do that?"

"I didn't. My father did so I wouldn't just be lazy and beg for a different ship, but fix it. As if I would," he grumbled. "That man has no faith in me."

She wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say. She wanted to reach out and kiss his cheek simply because it seemed sort of like a girlfriend-ish thing to do, but she didn't. Instead, she managed "Well, can you fix it?"

"If we were at an Imperial station? Sure. But the closest one is light-years away, and I can't get to it if the hyper drive is out."

"Ah….so what do we do? Send in a call to Coruscant?"

He snorted. "Please. I'm not going to run crying to the emperor, or my father, for that matter, any time something goes wrong. I'm eighteen-" Luke's birthday had been just last week, "-I can handle it!"

"Okay, hot shot," she growled, not liking his independent attitude, "what do you suggest we do?"

Luke shrugged. "Find a mechanic. And a hotel. They'll probably have to hold her over night." He patted the dashboard with a sad sort of affection. "Sorry, girl." Mara felt a pang of jealousy, and quickly squashed it.

They found a mechanic, who was quick to inform them that more than just the hyper drive needed fixing. "Rear deflector's out….power couplings are practically shot…" the fat, green alien species mechanic grumbled. "This puppy will be out of commission until…"

"Until?" prompted Luke, worriedly.

The alien still thought for a moment. "I can have her to you day after tomorrow. But it'll cost ya."

"We can pay it," Luke said smoothly.

"Okay, then. Guess I'll get right to work."

Once the pair were out of the garage, however, Jade had angrily wheeled on her companion. "Don't you take care of that bucket of bolts?"

"Look, I do my best!" he shouted. "But she goes through a lot, and sometimes she'll run for ages before I even have the time to notice something's wrong!"

"What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

Now Lord Skywalker grinned. "Guess we have a bit of a vacation."

Mara Jade could only sputter.

"Hey, relax, Mara," Luke said, starting to walk, and wrapping an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in. "It'll be fun. If our master asks any questions, then we can just say we had some problems hunting down our prey."

"That's deceitful," she muttered.

"That's business," he corrected.

…

"Hey, you know what I've always wanted to do?"

They were waiting for the hotel concierge at the desk, listening to the pouring rain and booming thunder of the storm outside.

"No, Skywalker," she sighed, chewing on a tendril of her fiery hair. "Why don't you enlighten me?"

Grinning, he leaned back on the desk. "I always wanted to see how much better the honeymoon suits are as compared to the other rooms, you know? Fake having gotten married, and…."

He was looking at her funny. "What?"

A grin had spread across his not unattractive face, and she wanted to beat it off. "We should try that!"

"No we should not!" she countered stubbornly. "We'll get in trouble."

"With who?"

"With….with…" Well, there had to be someone to get into trouble with. There was always someone to get into trouble with.

"Exactly," Luke smiled, and Mara Jade really hated it when he was right. "Come on, live a little. Let's give it a shot."

Mara stared at the tile floor where the water had made a small puddle. She felt very uneasy about it, and yet…it was so tempting, just because it was so taboo.

"I promise I won't let anything happen," he swore, now walking over to her and wrapping an arm around her curvy waist. "Just milk it a little," he whispered as the concierge walked in. "I love you," he purred in a very sappy tone of voice. Jade flushed, and a very slight tightening of his grip around her torso reminded her to play the game; there was no backing out now.

"N-no, I love you." What he didn't know is that she wasn't pretending when she said that. And it startled her to realize that.

"No, I think I love you-"

"Ahem!"

The concierge seemed a combination of impatient and disgusted.

"May I help you two?"

…

"This is never going to work, they'll know we're way too young to be married," she said nervously, clutching the robe she'd taken off. Luke had already discarded his soaked cloak over the back of a chair, and was now busily examining the impressive room.

"Then we eloped."

"Why?"

"Who cares why? They don't need to know why."

"But if they ask us something, then we're going to need a story to back it up."

Luke puzzled over this for a moment. "Okay…good point….Um…Well, we're a couple of reckless teenagers who's parents wouldn't let us be together, so we ran away and are headed toward…Coruscant. Starting a new life, and what not."

"Okay…." She very slowly allowed, hanging her cassock on a peg. It really was a nice room. There were a couple of very large leather chairs, and a nice loveseat. A coffee table had a vase full of flowers, and there was a small bar with a bottle of champagne. Luke had considered opening it, but Mara had shot that down. They were underage, even if no one else knew it. There was a balcony, a throw rug, and one very large bed. The sheets were a deep-

Wait….One bed?

"Ah, Luke?" she called nervously, suddenly wondering what had possessed her to

go along with this scheme of his.

"Yeah?" he called from the refresher he was examining. "Jeeze, you should see the size of the tub it's-"

"Will you shut up about the stupid tub or two seconds!" she demanded, only because she was suddenly rather frightened.

He walked out of the refresher and leaned against the wall, unbuttoning his cuffs. "What's up with you?"

"There's only one bed."

He raised an eyebrow. "Yeah….and? What do you think couples do on their wedding night, Mara? Play cards?"

"No!" she said, flushing. "But there's two of us, and-"

"I imagine there's two of them, too."

"And!" she continued, making it plain that she did not appreciate being interrupted. "And…and we're…"

He was smirking, the eyebrow still raised.

"We're all alone…."

"Nice, isn't it?"

"There's nobody here…" she whispered in wonderment. There was always somebody around. Suddenly, they didn't have to hide anything. It was like there own little world, reserved for them and for no one else. Thunder cracked outside the window. Their literal port in the storm.

"That's right," he said, walking towards her. "There's nobody here."

He drew her close to him and began to kiss her in the way that made her knees go weak until she finally pushed him off.

"We should probably call the desk for a cot, or something."

Luke snorted angrily. "Great idea. That'll make us seem even more truthful. A married couple who doesn't want to have sex. Look, we don't have to do anything, just sleep, and-"

"It wouldn't be right!" she protested, the training the emperor had given her screaming inside. She was suddenly very nervous and excited, and it confused her.

"Why not?" he demanded. "I mean, we are married."

"How the hell do you figure that!"

"They think we are. We're pretending we are. A little consummation wouldn't hurt."

"Your logic is insane! We don't have to. We can just pretend we had a fight, and…"

The look he was giving her made the words run dry. It was a deep, sort of passionate gaze, and he had never looked at her that way before.

"Luke?"

He didn't respond. He'd very calmly walked up to her again and pulled her against him. As he whispered huskily in her ear, his hot breath made her skin rise in goose flesh.

"Just one night."

"I don't think we should…."

"But do you want to?"

Her breathing had sped up a little as he very slowly kissed her. But she pushed away again. Sighing, Lord Skywalker had appeared to have given up.

"Okay, that's cool. I guess if you really don't want to, we don't have-"

He was stopped as she had suddenly flung her arms around his neck and was passionately kissing him. His surprise gave way into a cocky grin, as he wrapped his own arms around her torso.

"Or we could make love, yeah, that's always an option."

He scooped her up and walked over to the bed, her lithe frame absolutely no burden to him. He very gently laid her down, brushing a lock of her fire hair from her emerald eyes. Another boom of thunder outside the window made her jump slightly, but it was Lord Skywalker's loving caress that made her tremble.

"Nothing's going to happen, you won't get into any trouble," he whispered soothingly. "I promise." And she believed him.

She told him that she loved him that night as he lie, now stripped bare, beside her. His grip around her tightened slightly, and he sleepily planted a kiss on her soft hair.

"Yeah, I know you do," he muttered, and she clung to him all the more.

"No, I'm being serious."

"Me too," he whispered as he yawned and lay back. "Enough pillow talk, okay?"

"Okay."

He was asleep far before she was. His breath made a lock of her hair move in a regular tempo, and she found that she enjoyed watching him sleep. It was very soothing. Settling down next to him, she kissed him briefly before closing her eyes, and falling asleep.

…

The beginning of the day was spent a little awkwardly. That was because the boundaries of what they could and could not do had been pushed to their limit and broken. They'd shared something very dark and deep, and didn't know what that meant. They didn't know how to act around each other.

It didn't last long. Luke was a smooth guy, and whilst he didn't treat the situation as if everything were still the same, he knew how to put her at ease.

They checked back at the garage, but the mechanic stuck to his previous statement – tomorrow, and no sooner. So, they spent the day bumming around the planet, checking out the sites and sounds of the city. A market square was up, and the dock was bringing in fishing boats.

"Does it always smell like fish on this Force forsaken planet," she complained, leaning against the railing.

"Probably," commented Luke, flicking a piece of dust from off his sleeve. "Yesterday it just smelled like rain."

They shared a look, and he wrapped and arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him. "Yesterday was nice," she whispered, and he kissed her head.

"Yes, it was."

The present wasn't bad either. He bought her flowers, gallantly, and in his own way, jokingly making a big show of them. The sun was burning off the puddles left by yesterday's rain, and once they'd had their fill of the sites and sounds, they checked back in at the garage – the prognoses was still the same – before heading back to their hotel room. The concierge smiled at them welcomingly at the desk, and this time they didn't have to pretend to look like they were in love.

They discarded the trifles they'd bought on the table, and Luke collapsed into a chair, talking absent mindedly to the girl while she had dug out her comb and was attacking the knots that had worked their way into her wavy red hair.

"So, let's take a little break and then pick something up to eat later. Then we can head back here, get some sleep, and then pick up the ship the next morning. Sound good?" He noted that she didn't seem to be listening. "Mara?" he turned in his chair, only to find that she'd wrapped her arms around his neck. She was suddenly settled onto his lap, his arms wrapped around her waist. He paused in his ministrations to her only to smile and kiss her forehead. "Force, I love you." And he meant it, too.

…

They'd had their break, they ate a little bit of food only because they were hungry, and then rushed right back into the hotel room. The night was spent in blissful and ignorant passion, and the dawn had come all too soon. They picked up the ship, and it threw Luke off that Mara was in such a sudden, terrible mood.

"What is going on inside that head of yours?" he finally demanded, as her glowering was making him uneasy.

She glanced at him, and her green eyes softened just a little. "Guess I just liked our vacation a little too much."

He grinned, leaned over, and gave her a quick kiss. She tried to draw it out and incite more from her lover, but he stopped her. "Hey, look, we should probably try and cool our jets a little. You know, keep it under wraps a bit."

"I don't want to," she protested, and leaned in to kiss him again, but he stopped her.

"I know you don't. But we still should."

"I love you, Luke Skywalker."

"I know."

And that was that. They occasionally snuck in moments for their little tryst, but it became apparently obvious that they could no longer take the risks of being together. She'd had to stuff him into her closet, at one point, in order to escape detection. After that particularly terrifying moment, they'd both agreed that it could no longer be chanced.

"So, um," she said, trying to be the responsible partner, "I guess we should just call it off."

"Yeah, I guess so," agreed Luke.

"Okay."

"Okay."

She'd felt like her heart was breaking. She'd wanted to cry and throw a temper tantrum, and demand that he hold her close and never let her go. She knew he had to be passive about it, but that didn't mean she wanted him to be.

He never realized just how much she loved him.

So they agreed to move on, and he did exactly that. He moved on, and a few months later he fell in love with Leia Organa. With Organa of all the people in the world! With that spoiled rotten little….princess! There was no other name for it! He'd cast his passionate lover off like an ill fitting glove – under the ill fitting glove's orders – and found another glove entirely! And the former glove was just burning with terrible jealousy. That was because she hadn't moved on. She felt as though she maybe never would. She adored him, and no matter how she told herself otherwise, she knew she always would.

And then he was supposed to be dead…..She'd cried for two hours once she'd found time to be alone when she discovered he was dead.

But he wasn't dead. He was a rebel and a Jedi. That was almost worse than death. That was just suicide. He'd signed his own warrant on that one.

How could you pull this one, Luke? How could you do this to the emperor and to your father and…

And to her.

Despite that she'd told Vader that he couldn't possibly kill his own son, that she wouldn't let him, her rage had built at the idea of his terrible betrayal. Finally, she gave into the hate. She could only fight truth for so long. Luke could've, should've come back. Maybe everything would have been okay then. But she doubted it. In the end, she was more certain that she was just fooling herself.

"Fine," she sighed to herself, practicing her lightsaber training – but now alone. "Fine. You called the shots on this one. If I see you, I will kill you. And I will not look back, and I will not regret it for a single instant." Why? Because he'd broken her heart. And that was just unforgivable.