Crossroads

A.N.: To start with, Don McLean has to be one of the greatest singer/songwriters of all time. I love his lyrics, I love his tunes. Yes, we all know American Pie was good, but his other songs are so wonderful that it is almost a shame American Pie is as successful as it is, since it overshadows the other works of beauty. So, obviously, this is dedicated to Don McLean.

I really wanted to write a song fic, and this song was appealing to me. Originally, my idea was to make it sort of a thing between Luke and Leia; Luke's way of saying "I'm aching, get me through this." And I could still write it and have it work. But the more closely I listened to the song, I decided against it. When it talks about removing darkness from the soul, it is, to me, obviously Luke's appeal to someone, but not to Leia. Leia can't take away Luke's darkness. She adds to it, if anything. But, I know a certain Jedi who can and did take away Luke's darkness. So, whilst it was always from Luke's point of view, there's a little insight on to how my mind works.

This is a songfic, based on the song "Crossroads," by Don McLean. I use it without permission. Enjoy!

I've got nothing on my mind

Nothing to remember

Nothing to forget

And I've got nothing to regret

Luke sighed, pillowing his head on his arms. The days waiting until a new planet to establish a rebel base on were tedious, spent in apathetic melancholy. He liked Yavin IV. It was so much more beautiful than any other planet he'd been forced to undergo. He didn't want to leave.

His mind an empty shell, he rolled over, and shut his eyes, trying to drive an aching hum from his tired skull. Nothing helped. He was sorely tempted to get up and go talk to someone. The idea of talking to Leia burned like a bonfire in his mind. His heart sped up and his palms started sweating at the mere thought of her. It wasn't taboo, she'd made it plain that she liked spending time with him, and wanted to be his friend. But that was it. Sleepless nights were often spent in each other's company, talking about absolutely anything. The only thing he kept hidden from her was his catharsis on Tatooine, which he'd managed to explain in sparse detail, and the golden month spent in the company of his dead master. That was something he'd rather not talk about. It was his secret treasure. He didn't want to share it.

He didn't get up to see Leia as she was busy with the rest of the rebel commanders trying to pick a new rebel base in a hurry. Wedge was enjoyable to talk with, and he cold get some brief and thin solace from Han, but the more he thought about it, the more the idea of talking with the girl he still liked to consider as his fiancée was far more appealing.

But I'm all tied up on the inside

No one knows quite what I've got

And I know that on the outside

What I used to be, I'm not…anymore

Rising, he slid into his clothes and out his door. Mechanically, his feet took him to Leia's room; it required no thought, his feet knew the path practically instinctively. He hesitated when he reached the door, unsure of why he'd decided to get up, but knocked anyway.

After a moment's pause, Leia opened the door, her soft brown hair tied into a loose bun at the nape of her neck. She'd just changed for bed, and held a mug in one hand, balancing a tray of cold food on her hip.

"Hey," she said, yawning sleepily.

"Hey."

These midnight visits were now so common, so comforting, and so customary that she never questioned them, and almost came to look foreword to them. She understood him, understood that he just needed a little extra loving care, and that she was the only one who could provide it. She did it because she cared about him.

"Come on in," she yawned again, moving away from the door. "I was just going to eat and go to bed. Have you had anything to eat?"

"Not since yesterday."

"Luke," she scolded, scowling at him.

He grinned sheepishly at her and tried to brush it off. "I haven't been hungry."

"You're never hungry."

"No."

"That doesn't mean you shouldn't eat."

He sat on the edge of the bed as she scurried about her quarters in a sleepy manner, occasionally interrupting her sentences with a bite at the stuff on the tray.

"Decided where we're headed now?" he tactfully changed the subject.

"We're going to decide tomorrow," she replied, settling into a chair that faced him.

"That's too bad," he muttered, staring at the floor.

"It's either that," she scolded, "or we stay to be shot like fish in a barrel by the Empire."

Now he shuddered. "I know. That's why I'm not as upset as I could be."

"It'll have been three days since you…well….became a hero to everyone soon. We're pushing our luck staying here."

"I know."

"Are you okay?"

He looked up at her, a very depressed and bland expression on his face. "Am I ever?"

"People really respect you now, Luke. I'd think it'd make you happy."

"Nothing makes me happy….well, except for you." He glanced shyly at her only to be met with a stern look.

"I told you to knock that off."

"I am knocking it off."

"No, you're not."

"Sorry. I try."

"Yes, I know."

You know, I've heard about people like me

But I never made the connection

They walk one road to set them free

And find they've gone the wrong direction.

"What time did you go to bed?" she asked with a yawn.

"I dunno. A while ago."

"What time did you fall asleep?"

"I didn't."

She sat foreword in the chair, gazing slightly worriedly at him. "Yeah, I thought so…..How about yesterday."

"I didn't sleep then, either."

"You never do sleep, do you?"

"Not if I can help it."

"Luke!"

He shook his head. "I see too many things when I sleep….Master Obi Wan…Those people on Tatooine….My mother…My father…The Death Star…Oh, Force, the Death Star….I can't stand it. They can't get me if I don't sleep."

"You look exhausted," she said, getting up and walking to him, grabbing his chin delicately with her hands. She ran a gentle finger across the dark bags under his eyes, and examined his blood shot blue eyes for a moment before shaking her head. "You really ought to get a little sleep. Especially before the move. Go down to the medical ward, they'll fix you up. Put you out like a light."

"I don't want that either."

She released his head and sat back in her chair. "Do you regret it? Is that why?"

"I'm not sure."

"Would you change anything if you could?"

"Oh yes. I'd be dead."

She paled. "Luke, please don't say that."

"Alright, then Master Obi Wan would still be alive."

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "That still doesn't help. You still shouldn't say that either."

"In that case, no. It doesn't matter."

But there's no need for turning back

'Cause all roads lead to where I stand

And I believe I'll walk them all

No matter what I may have planned.

She finished off the food and drink and yawned again. "I hate to kick you out, but….I really am exhausted."

"Sure, I understand," he said, rising and smiling at her. "I just feel better when I'm around you. Like maybe I could go to sleep."

"Try to. Please?"

"Is that an order?"

"Yes. An order because I love you." His eyes lit up, and she cursed her carelessness. Love was one of those words that suffered from over kill. "I don't mean it like that. I meant…"

"I know what you meant. You just kind of had my hopes up for a second."

"I'm not trying to tease you, Luke. I'm not like that."

"I know you're not. You're wonderful. I love you. And I do mean it like that."

"I told you to forget it."

"What if I can't?"

"Give it a shot. Now, go follow orders. Go to bed."

He wanted her so badly that it killed him. He very carefully walked away and didn't look at her. Simply said goodnight and walked out the door. Mechanically he walked back to his room, and climbed into bed. Sleep came just a little bit easier, but he regretted it when it did.

Can you remember who I was?

Can you still feel it?

Can you find my pain?

Can you heal it?

Then lay your hands upon me now

And cast this darkness from my soul

You alone can light my way

You alone can make me whole…once again

In that torturous sleep, that bitter sweet dreaming, he dreamed of one thing more constant than anything else, and that was his master. Luke had relived a thousand times the moment when the shadow had passed over his face, the anger, the confusion, and the worst part of all, the terrible, passionate, crazed sorrow. He'd extracted each moment spent in Obi Wan's company. He'd memorized all the words spoken so that they were burned onto his soul, impossible to forget. Forgetting seemed an unforgivable travesty.

In the throws of one of those terrible, horrendous nightmares, Luke twitched and twittered, glossy tears sliding down his cheeks, leaving dark trails in their wake. His limbs were tangled in the winding sheets, his breath was quick, his heart was beating a crazy tattoo as he tried harder and harder to end this demon dream….

"I want to be a Jedi, Master Obi Wan."

He remembered the words, when they'd been said. But instead of finding himself kneeling in the sand and cradling a burning corpse, he was back at Kenobi's small house, sitting, talking, as they had often done while they waited for Luke's ribs to heal.

Only they weren't talking about anything that Luke had ever remembered talking about. They…were talking about how the old man had died.

"It just isn't fair," Padawan Skywalker sniffled, leaning against the table in a melancholy mood. "Why did you have to go away? Why did you have to leave me?"

"Luke," the Jedi was explaining patiently. "Sometimes things that are for the best don't seem like it at the time. I had to leave."

The boy gave him a piercing stare. "I needed you here."

The old Jedi sighed, nodding. "I know you did, but there's nothing I can do. I'm afraid you'll have to move on.'

"What if I don't want to move on? Can you even understand? I love you, Master Obi Wan. I am more devoted to you than anyone else I've ever met. I would sooner die than live without you."

"You must go on, Luke. Even in the face of insurmountable pain, you must be strong."

"I can't be. Not without you. You saved me, Master Obi Wan. You filled my soul with light, you made me so happy."

We've walked both sides of every street

And through all kinds of windy weather

But that was never our defeat

So long as we could walk together

Obi Wan smiled sadly, touched. "I am very glad to know I meant that much to you."

"And what did I mean to you?"

"Everything. That's why I died for you."

Here Luke paused again. "I wish you hadn't."

"If wishes were fishes the oceans would be too full."

Luke couldn't help but laugh at that. "Where did you hear that?"

Kenobi laughed too. "Force, I don't know. I just picked it up somewhere."

There was a calm, steady, happy silence and they smiled at each other. "I miss these times with you," Luke whispered, and the old man nodded.

"And so do I."

"You were the only one who could save me, Master."

"And I did. But now you must save yourself. My part is over."

"But I-"

"You must be strong, Luke. You must."

So there's no need for turning back

'Cause all roads lead to where we stand

And I believe we'll walk them all….

Luke awoke again, dried tear trails on his cheeks, his bed a mess. Grumbling, he glanced at the chrono. Morning. It would be time to start packing soon. Carefully, he extradited himself from the tangled bed linens, stretching and rubbing at his face. He had to be strong. Could he be strong? Maybe. The endless pain tortured him. But he was a survivor. And always would be. If not for himself, if not for his new friends, for the memory of his master. That outweighed everything else.

…No matter what we may have planned….