Man, um…well, I've never written that parody-ish crap before. And I also want to write a play. And the only fanfic I'm really capable of doing is something Resident Evily, so why not multitask? And hey! You calling my idea unoriginal? Fine, then! I'm just having a hard time writing anything serious at the moment! So…shaddup! Btw, this is nuthin like my other fic. It's immature and…well, that's it. L33t. No copyright infringement intended.

---

A figure of a tall man appears on stage, silhouetted by blinding spotlights from behind.

: You've already joined Jill, Chris, Claire, Leon, Rebecca, Bruce, Ada, and perhaps even Barry in that friggin Gaiden game, as they fought hordes of undead. But have you ever wondered…WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEBODY CRAMMED THEM ALL INTO ONE MORONIC LITTLE GAME?

An evil laugh sounds from nowhere in particular.

: Um…yeah. Didn't think so. Anyways, even super duper zombie game stars like ME need their pension money. Hello Retirement! Man , I've been in so many fics that I could pay the entire cast of Friends to strip for me. My name is…

Spotlights turn off from behind, and appear in front.

Billy: Billy Coen! LOLZ! You thought I was Wesker! HAHAHA n00bs! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Spotlight: Shut up.

Billy: OO Did that light thingie just talk?

Spotlight: NO

Billy: Hmm. Well, wtf do I care? My IQ is so low, it…um…it sucks! Let's start Act I!

A magickal floating sign wafts onstage, with the words 'Act I: HEY LOOKIE IT'S A GOOEYSLIMY FUN THING!' written on it.

Billy: Heeheehee! I'm in this one!

The stage darkens a little, and Rebecca walks out.

Rebecca: Bunnies, bunnies…

Billy: HAHA! Becky's retarded! HAHAHAH!

Wesker runs onstage, and shoots Billy with a silenced beretta.

Wesker: I PWN EVERY RE PARODY! On a side note, this fic is not intended to be offensive to mentally handicapped people, chickens, Becky, or most infected with (a. the T-Virus b. the G-Virus c. Las Plagas). Barry and those with the T-Veronica virus, however, should take offense. God I better be paid well for this…

Rebecca: Lollipops, puppies and rainbows… Erm, Wesky, don't we need Billy for most of the story?

Wesker: oO aww crap…Well, I'll be Billy then. MORE AIR TIME!

Spotlight: STFU BIATCH

Wesker: Well, you're an ass. Anyways, go ahead Rebby.

Spotlight:…Rebby?

Rebecca throws a nearby pickaxe at the spotlight, breaking it into many, many tiny little pieces.

Rebecca: LOLZ I PWN! starts skipping

Wesker sighs, and pulls a cruddily-made cardboard train out from offstage. Rebecca looks at it and giggles.

Wesker: Erm, it's Barry's…

Rebecca: Yeah, and I'm a donkey. Oh yeah! Line! pulls out script OH No my plane has crashed it…aww, damn, part of my script's cut off, crappy photocopying…aha! Oy, Enrico, it's a train!

Wesker moves the train up and down.

Wesker: VROOM! VROOM!

Rebecca: Erm, it's supposed to be stopped…

Wesker: Erm…Barry did it.

Rebecca: Wesker…what's with you and Barry?

Wesker: WHAT NUTHIN U N00B

Rebecca:

Wesker: Err…uhh…I'm Billy Coen…uhh…

Rebecca: HEEY IT'S STILL MY LINE! starts singing It's My Life

Wesker: Oh this is just so frickin great…

Spotlight: THIS PLAIE SUXORS!

Wesker & Rebecca: I PWNED YOU!

Rebecca: …and must we all l33t speek?

Spotlight: Tea!

Wesker: Wtf…

Rebecca: MmMmmM T-Bags

Billy floats onstage

Billy: NOOOO!

Wesker/Rebecca/Spotlight: OMFG!

Billy: Ya I'm a ghost…

Rebecca: I don't care n00b…Spotlight dearest, are you a ghost as well?

Spotlight: Well dearie, I could not tell you. All I know is that I've become increasingly similar to a British grandmother since you hit me with that pickaxe…

Wesker: WESKER!

Wesker: Yes?

Wesker: Give me more lines! I don't talk enough!

Wesker: Yes sir, right away Mr Wesker, sir. Say…umm….

Wesker: What is it?

Wesker: Umm, are you doing anything tonight? Wanna…grab a drink or sumthin?

Wesker: Well, yeah, ok. Eight fine?

Wesker: That's…that's great, yeah!

Rebecca/Spotlight/Billy's Ghost: WTF?

Lisa Trevor: waddles onstage Unnnghhhh…

Wesker: Ahh

Billy's Ghost: Ahh

Spotlight or Granny: Ahh

Rebecca: Ahh, oh, LOLz! Lisa, go away, you're in Act II.

Lisa Trevor: MOMMY!

Wesker: Let's hurry this up… shoots Lisa in the forehead

Lisa Trevor: DADDY

Wesker: AHH FUGLY runs away

Lisa Trevor: DADDY :(

Rebecca: ALRIGHT EVERYBODY SHADDUP! Lisa, go away. Wesker, get your ass back here! We need to move forwards! Nobody's interested!

Spotlight Granny: Oh my, I'm so uninterested that I could just faint!

Rebecca: throws a Hot Pocket at Spotlight I WANNA GO TRAIN!

Wesker/Billy: I'll train you…

Rebecca: walks into cardboard train Ok Billy I'm not supposed to know you yet so leave. Wesker, nobody needs you anymore so go and date yourself. Spotlight, light me up.

-various grumblings-

Lisa Trevor (offstage): unnGGGHAghhhh

Rebecca: Oh Snap there's a dead body!

Corpse: stands up grrroooannnn

Rebecca:…That was screwed. Anyways… Blamma! mimes shooting in head with a pencil

Corpse: sits down

Rebecca: Pwned….AAHHHHAHHHHHHHH!

Something jumps through window, gets stuck, and has to wriggle through

Rebecca: Oh look! You're that guy from my STARS team that kept touching my thigh!

Spotlight: Erm, he has a name…

Rebecca: Yeah…PERV! Ha! Pwned!

'Perv': Hey…

Rebecca: Sry…Oh, I'm SO not! HA!

'Perv': Rebecca, take some Ritalin and push your ADD to the side for the moment. The forest is full of…zombies and monsters…

Rebecca: Zombies and monsters…

'Perv': nods

Rebecca: Oh, like u u perv! HA! PWNED!

'Perv': Oh, for fuck sakes…blows whistle

Two pugs scramble through the window, out of breath.

Rebecca: OH Fat puppy!

Pudgy Pugs: Lolz :P

Rebecca: Aww Cutieful! pets

Pudgy Pugs: drool

Billy: …Aww, fuck this! runs up, shoots pugs, runs away

Rebecca: PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSS!

Pudgy Pugs:(

Rebecca: Meh. walks down hall singing songs from Chess

Spotlight: Classy.

Rebecca sees a dead body, and bends down to look.

Rebecca: OOH LOOKIES! There's sumthin in his hand! pries out a key

: hic Give me…hic hic the sample, Leon… hic

Rebecca turns around to see a very drunken Ada

Rebecca: ADA?

Ada: WesHICker? hic

Wesker: Krauser?

Krauser: Leon?

Leon: Ashley!

Ashley: Ada?

Ada: hic Laser… hic laser beams? runs away and vomits in corner

Laser Beams: LEON

Leon:Ada?

Ada: continues wretching

Leon: Erm, ok…Jill?

Jill: Chris?

Chris: Rebecca?

Rebecca: Ad- Ada gives Rebecca the finger Erm, Barry?

Barry: LASER BEAMS

Laser Beams: BELLA SISTERS

Bella Sisters: HEEYYAHHHHHHH-lisa trevor-HHHAAAHHHHHHH!

Lisa Trevor: unnnggahhhghghhhhh…?

Atashi: …ATASHI!

Wesker: Uh oh! Stop, she's probably copyrighted herself! AHH! ROYALTIES!

Rebecca: Alright, it's MY scene! Krauser, Leon, Ashley, Jill, Chris, Barry, Bella Sisters, Lisa, Ada, Atashi, even…cries Laser Beams…GET OUT OF MY CHAPTER!

Everyone leaves, except Billy, who stands where Ada was. Cringing, he steps back from a pile of vomit.

Rebecca: turns around slowly Lieutenant Billy Coen!

Billy: Um, no.

Rebecca: Um…flips through script HEEY! The rest of the pages are blank!

Billy: flips through his too Aww, man! I haven't even played my own game!

Rebecca: Well, it wasn't great, so you didn't miss much…

Billy: Hmm. Let's go upstairs. No, wait. You go, I'll stay here and look like a complete ass for almost getting you killed. Oh, and we have to go up the stairs in the Dining Car. That's back in the other direction. You can access it via the car you entered into.

Rebecca: OO And…you haven't played your game before?

Billy: Lollypops, puppies and rainbows…

Rebecca: runs away

Wesker: Um, do we have a narrator? No? Well fine then. I'll do it. Um…Rebecca went to the dining car…blissfully unaware that, um…y'know, the zombies and shit…aww, never mind. Who needs plot? All you need in life is a big gun pats sniper rifle

Barry (offstage): cringes

Rebecca: stops suddenly, Billy walks into her I sense a Barry Cringe…

Billy: …WTF?

Old Dude: sits there

Rebecca: OMG LOOK…Billy, go downstairs. You're gonna need to save me.

Billy: sings I Believe in a Thing Called Love for no apparent reason, then leaves

Rebecca: Wie-erd. Well. Oy, old dude. Hmm… am I British now?

Spotlight: Oh, you got the Brit Fever, darling!

Rebecca: shudders Alrighty. Um…sir? Oy…dyahh, I mean Hey, are you ok? I think you are, seeing as how all the others on this train are mindless, walking dead. Anyways, my name's Reb-

Old Dude: stands up, turns into leeches

Rebecca: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LLOIKE OOOOOMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Billy: Time yet?

Rebecca: No, let there be drama.

Billy: Okey dokey. leaves

Rebecca: Ok. Um, ahh, leeches, oh gawd, they're on me…oh, wait not yet. Get on here!

Leeches: sit down and write haiku

Rebecca: GET ON MY BACK!

Leeches: Yeah, yeah, fine, lady! hop on

Rebecca: Let them squirm…let them squirm…OK! You can come out now, Billy!

silence

Rebecca: BILLLLLLLYYYYY!

Leeches: mwahaahaa, disturb us from our haiku, will you?

Rebecca: HAHAHA! Haiku you it like rhymes!

Leeches:……Oh……oh yeah! lolz!

Billy: walks up stairs Well, I went to the back of the train, and found a hunting gun, two hundred bullets for your handgun, and an ice pick in case you lock yourself in that room over there points behind him. Oh yeah, I killed the first boss with this handy gun thingie, and grabbed this hookshot so you can go up to the roof and start the train. Then, we'll put these two rings into this briefcase which I also found, and go into the control room, and we'll operate the brakes. Oh yeah, and I went ahead and beat the game and got lotsa leeches in the minigame, so I grabbed this hardcore Magnum Revolver.

Rebecca/Leeches: Um Wtfh?

Billy: I mean…Rebecca! shoots leeches

Leeches: Don't, you. leave

Rebecca: Man You have good aim! Look, no bullet holes! dances around

Billy: Rings.

Rebecca: But I wanna look around…

Billy: Rings! Now! I'm doing a speed playthrough!

Rebecca: WTF mate? I thought this was a play!

Billy: Um…runs downstairs, then comes back up I'm um…the Billy of the first playthrough…um…

Rebecca: Gawd, how did you ever force yourself to play through this game TWICE?

Wesker: Get on with it! I haven't said anything in over a minute!

Rebecca: But you don't say anything in like half the games!

Wesker: Yeah….well…I have files! Don't you have files yet?

Spotlight: Seriously…isn't this a play?

Rebecca: ALRIGHT, FUCKOS! YOU ALL SUCK! I QUIT! walks offstage in a huff

Wesker: Erm…starts to squeeze into Rebecca's outfit

Jill: jumps onstage and slaps Wesker Oh no, you don't. This is my game now!

Chris: follows Jill You do realize that since you now have RE:0 AND a role in the movie, you won't even be mentioned in RE5! And that'll be my game cuz there's a pattern, and cuz…um…it's me…

Hunk: jumps into train No, you don't boyo. Dat's gonna be my game!

Bruce: opens window Nope. Me and Fong Ling are gonna make a comeback! In more ways than one…if you get my drift…y'know, with the sex and all…

Leon: No way, bro.

Jill: Go away, Leon.

Wesker: Yes. You're too cruel to midgets.

Rebecca: walks onstage Heeeey! You replaced me already?

Spotlight: Hunk…come down here.. I've got…something…to show you…

Hunk: Hmm? walks off the stage Oh…oh my giggles

Chris: I wanna see!

Jill: Oh god!

Barry: Now, is this really necessary? Lisa might be watching…

Wesker: Barry, she mutated how many years ago? She's a fully grown woman now, if not a little…

Barry: Fully developed, you say?

Wesker: Um, no…

Barry: I must…leave.

Wesker: But what about us?

Rebecca/Billy/Jill/Chris/Bruce/Hunk/Leon/Spotlight: OMFG!

Wesker: UMM NO I MEAN…um, everyone but um Jill, and…er…Hunk, I guess. Yes. Jill and Hunk, continue the plot.

Hunk: NO

Jill: NO

Wesker: …Why?

Jill: I wanna see what they were laughing at.

Hunk: And I'm not doing ANYTHING till I get the spot in RE5. Come on, remember that site where my name was like an acronym for something?

Chris: That was a fan site!

Hunk: Screw you!

Wesker: Jill, look at Spotlight's funny thingie. Bruce, you're on.

Jill: hops off stage, goes to Spotlight LOLZ!

Bruce: I only work with Fong Ling. Or Ada.

Leon: Asian Fever?

Bruce: No, they can take care of themselves better than any other girl…why? What's Asian Fever?

Ada: I'm not Asian.

Rebecca: Aren't you drunk?

Ada: hic flips Rebecca off

Billy: Ada, why do you keep giving Becky the finger?

Leon: starts singing Tubthumping offkey

Wesker: FINE! Rebecca, you're rehired. Billy, just pretend you haven't beat the game yet.

Rebecca: …I quit, didn't I?

Lisa Trevor: crawls onstage

Wesker: NO! BACK IN YOUR BOX!

Jill: Just let her play Rebecca, Weskers.

Creepy Leech Guy: AHEM!

Everyone looks outside the train

Creepy Leech Guy: starts singing in a freakishly high-pitched voice

Wesker: …queer…

Lisa Trevor: hits Wesker on the head with chains UNNNGHHHHH!

All applaud.

Rebecca: Now that Wesker is unconscious, we can all take a little break. Join us nex-

Ada: HIC

Rebecca: -t time on Resident Evil: The Big Mess of Plot! Oh god, it's a TV show now. Help us all.

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Is the story a play, book, game, or live TV show? Will Wesker wake up? Will any royalties be paid? What exactly IS Spotlight's funny thing? Will Ada come down? WILL THE STORY GO ANYWHERE? Join us next time to find out!