Rebecca: Look, he's coming to...
Everybody takes off their party hat
Ada: drools
Chris: pokes Ada Man...seventeen shots of vodka.
Jill: Pssshhh...seventeen. Don'tcha remember my record?
Chris: Jill, you were seven. You had twenty-five brandy glasses of apple juice at my birthday party, and spent the whole night pissing on the rug.
Wesker: unnnghhhgh?
Lisa Trevor: unnnghhhgh!
Billy: Down, girl.
Wesker:...WTF happened?
Bruce: Lisa hit yo-
Leon: STFU you're unpopular.
Bruce runs away in tears
Chris: Lisa hit you. On the head. With the chains.
Billy: o0 And I said I had bad IQ...
Ada vomits again
Wesker: She's STILL wasted?
Barry: Well, probably cause she drank a bottle of vodka, and maybe even because this train is hurtling towards some big menacing building at speeds reaching over...
Billy: PLOT SPOILER!
Rebecca: STFU bitch. Let's get this over with, ok?
Lisa Trevor: unnnaahhgghha
Spotlight: She says 'U STFU n00b. Weskies sed I was Rebecca'.
Wesker: Why the fuck does that talking spotlight still...still...
Jill: Talk?
Wesker: Yeah, yeah. That's the word.
Ada: laughs suddenly
Wesker: Ok. Lisa, take Hunk and stop this train!
Hunk: I told you, NO
Wesker: …Asswipe. Bruce,-
Bruce: Ada or Fong Ling, dammit!
Wesker: FINE DAMMIT! Take Ada and stop this motherfucking train!
Bruce: OO Simmer down, mannn!
Lisa: cries
Leon: Stfu.
Ada: LOLZ! hic
Bruce: Lez roll.
Bruce runs off, giggling.
Chris: Fifty bucks he's gay…
Ada stumbles after him, tripping over the body of a pug
Rebecca: Somebody should clean those up; they're starting to smell.
Spotlight: SEMICOLON!
Wesker: Kill me…
-----
Bruce pulls Ada through the train, towards the control room.
Ada: SEX! Lolz!
Bruce: Heeheehee…that's clever. pulls briefcase out of back pocket Ada, the rings?
Ada: hic sings Here Comes the Bride, but only seems to know the first line
Bruce: Aww crap.
Ada: HAHAHA pulls out hangun and shoots briefcase
The briefcase falls apart, revealing the card key inside
Bruce: Hmm… you are handy…
Ada: SEX! Lolz!
Bruce:
Bruce slides cark key through electronic lock, while Ada makes drunken innuendos about sliding card keys through locks.
Bruce: YAY I DID IT! I'm Useful!
Ada: n00b! HA!
Bruce: …Sex…
Ada: Lolz! Tee-hee! hic
They go through the door, and find that they are outside
Bruce: Look…corpses…
Ada: LOL THEY R PWNED
Bruce: And slimy. I smell a plot…
Ada: falls off side of train
Bruce: ADA!……bursts out laughing Ok, so I'm better off without her…
Bruce enters the control room, and sees Jill standing inside, tapping her foot.
Bruce: Aww crap.
Jill: Without a chick, you just plain suxors.
Bruce: Then why did you come? LOL PW-
Jill: I swear, you say pwned, I'll stick a bayonet in your gizzard!
Bruce: oO
Jill: Look, you ain't funny, so take this nifty new key thingie to the back of the train and insert it into the cardkey slot.
Bruce: I miss Ada.
Jill: waves AK-47 with bayonet mounted
Bruce: Eep…leaves
Jill: Moron…pulls handbrake, train stops
Bruce (outside): AHHHHHHH falls off train Hey Ada…
Ada: SEX!
-----
Almost like magic, everyone falls out of the train into a burning basement
Hunk: Huh? Didn't we stop like five minutes before the big dark evil looming mansion that's not the Spencer mansion, but is also owned and operated by the Umbrella corporation?
Bruce: And didn't I fall off the train before we stopped?
Ada: SEX!
Rebecca: Ok, old now.
Ada: hic
Chris: Just get her some booze…it's easier this way…
Billy: Here, have this tank of gas. Who needs Molotovs when you have Barry to use as a human shield?
Barry: I resent that comment…
Leon: Ya well ur a prude, bro. Stfu.
Spotlight: Why does every single sentence you say have Stfu connected to it?
Leon: How the fuck did you get here?
Spotlight: Psychic powers…
Luis: Oy!
Leon: LUIS!
Luis: Wesker!
Wesker: No.
Ada: SEX!
Rebecca: Oh, shut the fuck up already!
Leon: That's stfu!
Jill: pwned
Bruce: Omfg…
Wesker: Alright! Everybody shut up! We need to move the plot along! Lisa, you and Chris will go up and explore the mansion.
Lisa: MOMMY!
Chris: What are you gonna do? Sic a Tyrant on us?
Wesker: Next act.
Chris: Oh.
Wesker: Yep.
Chris: Well then.
Wesker: Fine.
Chris: stands there stupidly
Wesker: GO DAMMIT!
Chris: Eep…runs away
Lisa: cries, stumbles away
Hunk: So…what do we do?
Leon: Let's make gingerbread houses!
Ada:…sex?
Barry: No, Ada. Drink your gasoline.
Wesker: I'm in my happy place…I'm in my happy place…
-----
Chris and Lisa walk through the sewers
Chris: Become a member of STARS, he said…being a drifter isn't a job, he said…
Lisa: Unnnggagghhh?
Chris: Oh, Lisa…sorry, just thinking about how my life…sucks bursts into tears
Lisa: Uhhhhgngh.
Chris: Well, ok…I never really wanted to join the STARS, but Barry made me…and it turns out that he was just doing it for the money! And…and…bawls
Lisa: Auuugh… stretches out arms
Chris: Thanks… hugs Lisa
Lisa: smiles, wraps chains around Chris' throat
Chris: AACCAACCCKK…spits blood ACKKKKKK…KKK…K…stops choking
Lisa: Unggh! drops Chris, runs up a ladder somehow
Wesker (offstage): What was that? Jill, Barry, go investigate.
Jill: sigh… Wrong act…
Wesker: STFU!
Jill and Barry enter the sewer.
Jill: Barry! Look! points to Chris' body
Barry: Uhoh! runs to puddle of blood beside Chris Blood! Hope it isn't Chris'…
Jill:…Um, WTF?
Barry: Hmm…I'm gonna investigate this a little more…You check for Chris through that door, Jill. points to ladder
Jill: Um…one, that's a ladder. Two…turns Barry's head an inch to the right.
Barry: Bloody Shitcakes! It's Chris! Oh, don't worry. He's just sleeping.
Jill: Fucking kill me.
Barry: Well, I'm gonna investigate this a little more. You check for Chris through that door, Jill. points at ladder again
Jill: WESKER! storms back out of sewer
Barry: I hope Chris is ok…
-----
Jill walks back into burning basement
Jill: Wesker!
Leon: He's not here.
Jill: Shut up, rookie. Where is he?
Leon: Ok, see, that's just weird. You tell me to shut up-and hey, I'm not a rookie-, but you ask me where he is? WHAT DO YOU WANT, WOMAN?
Jill: turns to Hunk Where is he?
Hunk: Erm, he said he was slipping away to watch you through a hidden camera with some Birkin dude. Oh yeah, and can you drive him back to Raccoon after this so he can fly back out around here with you while pretending he wasn't here?
Jill:…Slower than the average bear. Screw it. Rebecca, Ada, let's grab a beer.
Ada: SEX
Jill: …Rebecca, let's grab a beer.
Rebecca: SEX
Jill: turns back to Hunk8 WTF?
Hunk: Oh, yeah, Ada told her to lighten up, so she drank a box of wine coolers and is now copying Ada.
Jill: Where the hell do we find all this booze?
Spotlight: Oh, I always keep a little devil's sin on me wherever I go, dearie…
Jill: Where's a suicide pistol when you need one? runs to elevator, jumping heroically through fire
Bruce: Does anybody think we should get out of this room? Y'know, follow Wesker and Jill, or Lisa and Chris, or call Claire and Fong Ling for some good times…
Leon: OO I always thought you were gay…
Bruce: I hide it well, don't I?
Billy: Hey, you raise a good point! Why aren't Claire, Fong Ling, Ashley, and Sherry here?
Hunk: I blame the Umbrella Corporation!
Bruce: Don't you work for them?
Hunk: …If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all!
Fire: DA DA DA! runs toward a conveniently-placed bottle of vodka
Vodka: BLAMMA! explodes with vengeance
Leon: ADA!
Ada: LOLZ!
Rebecca: LOLZ!
Luis: That's it! I'm going emo! pulls out knife, hacks some hair off, pulls out cd player, puts on some Linkin Park
Leon: Your hair's all wrong! Look at mine!
Burning Vodka: AHEM! Burning here!
Hunk: Sorry…
Burning Vodka: It's ok, just do better next time…runs towards Spotlight
Spotlight: EGADS I'M BURNING
Rebecca: NOOOOOO runs towards Spotlight
Ada: Hey I didn't do th- hic HEY LOOK! points near train
Krauser: jumps out of fire OY! No peeking!
Ada: He's a burp chicken! points to claw
Rebecca: LOLZ
Ada: LOLZ
Krauser: AM NOT! My wing…er…claw is really strong! It can kill those freaky double chainsaw dudes in The Mercs in ONE HIT!
Ada: LOL Krauser's magic claw!
Rebecca: LOL I don't even know who he is!
Hunk: Hey! I'm better in The Mercs than you! I can break ppls necks!
Krauser: Yeah, but you gotta shoot them in the head! AND you can only kill one at a time! I, however, can kill as many as I can reach in one hit, no matter how strong they are! Plus, I get to use the compound bow!
Hunk: …Shut up, you roid-raging muscle-bound bimbo!
Leon: Fellas, fellas, we ALL know that I'm the best Mercs character!
Krauser:…LOLZ!
Hunk: LOLZ!
Ada: LOLZ!
Rebecca: LOLZ!
Luis: LOLZ!
Bruce: LOLZ!
Billy: LOLZ!
Spotlight: LOLZ!
Burning Vodka: LOLZ!
Carlos: roof blows up, helicopter lands, Carlos gets out LOLZ! gets back in, flies away, roof magically repairs
Leon: LOLZ…what are we laughing at?
Krauser:…LOLZ!
Hunk: LOLZ!
Ada: LOLZ!
Rebecca: LOLZ!
Luis: LOLZ!
Bruce: LOLZ!
Billy: LOLZ!
Spotlight: LOLZ!
Burning Vodka: LOLZ!
Leon:…What?
Bruce: Lol…pansy…
Leon: I resent that!
-----
Lisa, meanwhile, climbs up the ladder into the main hall.
Lisa: Unnhgh! walks into middle of room
Recording: YO BITCHES IT'S TIME TO GET BIZ-AY WITH THE MOTTO! Be still. Ok, so unity…no, wait, dicipline makes life…no, that's power…life? Or is it…Well, look! Take dicipline, life, power, and unity and mix them around for a while. Y'know, give them a cup of tea or something. Be hospitable, they might just be important soon. Or something. Hey, why am I even bothering to tell this to that fugly retarded girl anyways? YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS! Peace out.
Lisa: Um…er…cries
Lisa runs through a random door, and finds herself in a hallway. She runs into a nearby bathroom to cry.
Lisa: arrrrghhhh
A leech man pops up behind her
Leech Man: Boo u!
Lisa: Unnhhgh! (Hey, you're fugly too!)
Leech Man: Mnnnhnnn… (That's not very nice, you know…)
Lisa: Uggh. Hghhhaaggg. Ghh? (Sorry. You just look sorta like me, is all. Wanna hang out?)
Leech Man: Mnnnmy. Ynnnmmmnmo. (Sure. I'm Fred by the way.)
Lisa: Uhhhhhg. Ghhg. Hghaarrrh? (Cool. I'm Lisa Trevor. Will you be my love intrest?)
Fred: Mnonnnyoo… (I would, but as a hive mind composed solely of leeches, I have no reproductive organs of any kind, nor do I have a desire to populate myself wi-)
Lisa: Ugghhghhgh! Haarrggg? Hgggrhhhr… (Alright, alright, I'm sorry I asked! Do you wanna go and kill off some members of STARS, a few wannabe cops, and an escaped convict? Oh, and some odd drunk Asian chick, can't forget her…)
Fred: Mnnno; ynommom. (Sounds good to me; seeing as all I do is hit things with various leeches.)
Lisa: Ugghhgg…(That was an improperly used semicolon…)
Fred: …Myyo! (…STFU biatch!)
-----
Barry kneels by Chris' rotting carcass.
Barry: I hope Chris is ok…
-----
Jill has found a bottle of Bailey's on a rotating train thingie.
Jill: Oh! I finally g-HIC- get what Lolz means now! LOLZ!
-----
Back in the basement….
Hunk: D'you suppose we should leave, or at least put out the vodka fire?
Spotlight: burning YES PLEASE!
Ada/Rebecca: Da dha dha da dha dha… MY SHARONA! Da dha dha da…
Billy: Let's light THEM on fire…
Leon: Well…uhhh…I don't really know if I could perform with another guy…
All sober people in room: oO
Leon: Ahh…not what you meant, was it?
Billy: So very far off…
Spotlight: PUT ME OUT!
Ada: Oh man… losing my buzz…
Bruce: Give her more booze, she's funny. She's the only person I know who hiccups when drunk.
Hunk: What about Fong Ling?
Bruce: Tiny burps.
Hunk: Ahh…
Bruce: Yep.
Spotlight: I HATE YOU ALL!
Luis: I see the President's equipped his daughter with ballistics…
Billy: WTF? That's completely…that just doesn't make sense…
Luis: No doubt, you're a fucking moron.
Krauser: Anybody for I Spy?
Hunk: sighs This is gonna be one hell of a long parody…
Rebecca: Well, hic, join us next time on…
Ada: I LOST MY BUZZ!
Everyone: RESIDENT EVIL: THE BIG MESS O' PLOT!
-----
Will Ada regain her buzz? Will Jill find Wesker? Will Lisa's love intrest spawn some balls and notice her? Will anybody else move out of the basement? Will anybody complete RE: 0? Will we find out what has become of most of the other RE girls? Will we discover if this is a book, show, game, or play? WILL BARRY STOP BEING SUCH A FRIGGIN MORON? Well, we all know the answer to the last one, but as for the rest… YOU'LL HAVTA WAIT TILL NEXT TIME! MWAHAAHAA!