Chapter 20

Shortly after Giles left, Angel ascended the stairs to the second floor after not having found Buffy anywhere on the first floor. He could only hope that the visit with her father hadn't caused a setback. She had been doing so well, not perfect, but the vacant look that had been in her eyes the first time he'd met her was rarely present anymore. The unhappy world she had been living in for so long was finally beginning to release her, and Angel didn't want to see anything ruin that. But he supposed there wasn't anything more he could do to make things easier for her. He could only be there for her as she dealt with her past.

At the door to Buffy's room – the guest room – Angel was surprised to find Buffy sitting on the bed playing with Shadow. Her shoulders were still tense, but there were no other outward signs of distress. She seemed to be dealing better than he expected with the conversation with her father.

"Buffy?" he said softly. "Are you all right."

She didn't answer immediately. Was she all right? Not exactly. But in the grand scheme of things, she was...okay.

"Yeah," she answered with a shrug.

Angel entered the room and sat on the opposite side of the bed, reaching a hand out to scratch the kitten's head. "I'm sorry if what he said hurt." That was lame, Angel told himself, but what else could he say?

"It's okay." She shrugged again. Sitting back, she crossed her legs and looked up at Angel. "Honestly? It felt...sort of good to confront him and to stand up for myself. I don't know if that makes sense.

"I understand," he assured her.

"It's just," she began, pausing to think for a moment. "It's like for so long I've had no control over anything..."

"And tonight you took some of it back," Angel filled in the rest.

"Yeah," she agreed then sighed. "I understand why he wants me to keep hiding, but I just...can't do it any more."

Angel could see that Buffy's thoughts were now directed inwards, towards what he could only guess was what she'd been through the past few years. He didn't want to force her to drudge up more bad memories, but he also knew it would probably help her to talk about everything. So he asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Simple question, Buffy thought, but could she talk about it? About all of it? She peered up at Angel through her lashes and considered. He already knew most of what had happened in her life, Buffy knew that, but could she be completely honest with him? For some reason, she knew she could. She knew Angel would listen. Maybe he wouldn't understand, but he would still listen.

Scrunching back against the headboard of the bed, Buffy wrapped her arms around her knees and took a deep breath. With that, she began. "I guess I had a lot of the same fantasies as most sixteen year old girls when it comes to guys. I'd dated occasionally, but nothing serious. I always thought that someday I'd meet Mr. Right and I'd just...know." She laughed sadly and shook her head. "That probably sounds stupid."

"Not at all," Angel disagreed whole-heartedly. "Even though I'm a guy, I always hoped it would be that way for me."

"Really?" Buffy inquired, surprised. She hadn't anticipated he would say that.

"There has to be some way of knowing you're...compatible with someone," he furthered. He didn't add that he was beginning to realize that belief that a connection could exist between two people was in fact true. That would definitely scare her.

"I always hoped there was," she reiterated. "I wanted whoever..." Buffy blushed and glanced away. "Whoever I slept with for the first time to be someone special. It's not like I was waiting for marriage or anything, but my mom had always told me that sex was supposed to mean something and that you should really care about the person you were with."

"I think that's a very smart way to be," Angel responded as he remembered his own misguided foray into sex when he was sixteen.

Buffy heard his words, but they barely registered. Her mind had already drifted back to that day, the day of her seventeenth birthday.

"I had a small crush on Cameron. It wasn't anything major, but I thought he was cute, and he'd always been pretty nice to me. Plus he was Faith's – my friend's – brother. That day...I-I was supposed to meet Spike in the library to help him with something, but I'd decided to stop by the pool to see some of Cam's swim meet. When I got there...Cam was sitting on the bench. He smiled at me and told me that he wasn't swimming that day because he'd pulled a stomach muscle or something." Buffy's breath shuddered out heavily as she tried to fight off the fear and the pain. Even seven years later, it was still something that turned her blood cold.

"You don't have to tell me, Buffy," Angel told her, hating to see her hurting like this.

But she continued on. "He asked me to go grab a soda with him from one of the machines out in the hallway, and I said sure. But...but when we p-passed the girls locker room, he grabbed my arm and pulled me inside."

Buffy closed her eyes, a few tears slipping out from beneath her lashes. "After...after he laughed and told me that's what teases got. He-he acted like the whole thing was my fault."

"Nothing you did caused his...actions," Angel said in all seriousness. Inside, his heart was breaking over the violation of Buffy's body and soul. No one should have to go through something like that.

"I know. I think somewhere inside I always knew that," Buffy answered, taking a few deep, cleansing breaths. "But it was like...he took something from me, something I can't ever get back."

Scooting forward a little, Angel hesitantly, carefully, took one of Buffy's hands and felt utterly gratified when she didn't shy from his touch. "What happened that day wasn't sex, and it sure wasn't making love. Your body may have been...changed," he continued delicately. "But you'll have a first time someday. You'll meet somebody special, and when the time is right, when the trust is there, you'll have the choice to give him something special, something you've never given to any other man before."

"What if I never meet the right guy? Or what if...what if I'm never ready for...that," she posed, her eyes staring down at a non-existent spot on the comforter.

"Only you will know if it's right. Your heart will tell you," Angel affirmed, lightly squeezing her hand.

Buffy gave Angel a weak smile, wondering if he was right, hoping that he was. She laid her head on her upraised knees and stared out the window at the darkening sky. "The first few weeks after...I was in such a daze. I barely remember going to the hospital, or talking to the police. It's just one big blur. The first clear memory I have from after it," she breathed in deeply and forced herself to say the word that always stuck in her throat. "From after the...rape...is the day I went back to school. I stayed home for two weeks, and that morning my mom drove me to school. I told her I didn't need her to walk me in. So she let me out and pulled away. The minute I got out of the car everyone was staring at me. I could hear them talking about me all the way into school. And when...when I got to me locker... someone had painted the word 'slut' on the front." Her shoulders sagged and her eyes pressed closed tightly. "That's the first thing I really remember."

Disgust and rage rose in Angel. How could people be so cruel? He wished there was something he could say to Buffy to make the pain and the memories go away. But he knew there was nothing. So he continued to listen, offering a shoulder for her to lean on.

"That night, an officer came to the house and told me that they wouldn't be pressing charges. He said...he said that there was no evidence to support that it was a sexual assault. And then he went on to tell me how wrong it was to falsely accuse someone of rape, and that I was lucky Cameron and his family weren't taking action against me."

"Son of a bitch," Angel mumbled, furious at the so-called police of this town.

"In some ways, all that was worse than the rape," she started to explain. "Suddenly, I was the girl who cried rape. People who had been casual friends turned their backs on me and called me names. Even my teachers looked down at me. I couldn't go anywhere without someone saying something nasty to me."

Using her free hand, Buffy swiped at the tears that had gathered on her cheeks. She wondered if she would ever be able to think about that period of her life without crying. It didn't seem like she ever would.

"Then there was all the stuff that Cam and his friends did. It got so bad that my parents pulled me out of school after my junior year. My mom home-schooled me my senior year," she relayed.

That was something Angel hadn't heard before. Under the circumstances, he couldn't help but think that it had probably been the best thing for her. Without having to go to school every day, she could at least avoid some of the trouble. It was something she shouldn't have had to do, though.

"I stayed home most of the time. It was better that way. In the beginning, Xander and the others would come over, but being friends with me was causing him problems, so he stopped. And then Faith left town," she told Angel, though he was already aware of Xander's situation. "Willow, Spike, and Oz were the only ones who kept coming over. They tried to get me to go out sometimes, but we mostly stayed at my house and watched movies or just hung out."

"They're good friends," Angel said needlessly.

"Yeah," Buffy agreed with a small smile. "My father kept promising that we would move soon, but it wasn't that easy because of the magazine. He wanted to move us and the business up to LA, but there just wasn't any way to do it. And then...then it was too late."

The room was silent for several minutes, the only sound was that of the timid purrs of Shadow at the foot of the bed. Angel wanted to say something, but what was there he could possibly say? He couldn't change the past. He couldn't make her forget any of it. He couldn't do a damn thing.

Finally, Buffy broke the quiet. "I thought my life couldn't get any worse than it had been. But nothing could have been worse than finding Mom and Owen and Dawn...like that." She choked back a sob, willing herself not to cry again. "I didn't understand what had happened or what was going on. It was like...like some horrible nightmare I couldn't wake up from."

"You were probably in shock," Angel pointed out. He hoped it had just been shock, but he wouldn't have been surprised if her mind had just snapped for a while afterwards.

"I remember Daddy carrying me out of the family room and putting me somewhere, but it's all fuzzy. Then..." Buffy frowned and tried to push through the jumble of memories. "Then I'm in the attic, and there's a mattress on the floor."

"Did Giles say anything to you about what was going on?" Angel questioned, wondering how her father had dealt with the situation.

"I...I don't know." She shook her head in confusion. "All I knew was that Mom, Dawn, and Owen were gone. And then at some point I realized Willow, Spike and Oz weren't coming to see me anymore. I thought...I thought they'd finally had enough of it all."

"So you just stayed up in the attic rooms?" he pushed a little further.

Buffy nodded her head slowly. "Daddy told me I needed to stay there all the time. I...I thought he hated me because of everything. And not being able to leave just...didn't matter for a while."

"But then you started to sneak out," Angel assumed, thinking of the supposed ghost sitings.

"I wanted to see the beach, and I just wanted to be anywhere but where I was," she explained. "All I could think about there was what had happened. I couldn't sleep, and there wasn't really anything to do. So I would sneak out at night sometimes."

She sighed and leaned her head back against the headboard. "It was so nice just to sit on the beach and watch the ocean. When Daddy figured out what I was doing, he got really angry and told me I couldn't leave the house, that it was very important. I just thought he was ashamed of me or something. So I would just go out late at night when I was sure there wouldn't be anyone around."

"The last four years must have been very hard for you," Angel said, unable to imagine even a small amount of what she'd gone through.

"I just wish I'd known everything," Buffy answered, her eyes drifting to the window once again. "I wish he'd told me why he was keeping me there. How could he think I'd killed them, Angel? How could he let my friends think I was dead?"

"I'm not defending him" Angel began, trying to think of the best way to pose his thoughts. "But when it all happened, you're father was in shock and hurting. All he had to go by were the barest facts, and..."

"And they pointed at me," she finished flatly. "But if he thought I'd...I'd killed them, why did he hide me? Why didn't he turn me in?"

"Because he loves you," he stated emphatically. "No matter what you do, he will always love you, and the last thing he probably wanted was for you to go to jail, or worse. He was doing whatever he could to protect you."

"I guess," she replied eventually.

Angel could tell that Buffy was tiring, the conversation was wearing on her. He didn't want to push her any further. And really, he'd only initiated the conversation for her benefit. She needed to talk about what she'd been through. It seemed like she had run out of steam now, though. So Angel gave a slight tug on her hand and stood up from the bed. "Come on, it's late enough so why don't we go for a walk on the beach."

Buffy allowed Angel to lead her out of the room and down the stairs, grateful that he'd seem her need for a distraction. Nothing helped free her mind like a quiet walk on the beach. And with Angel with her, it wouldn't seem as lonely this time.

They walked hand in hand on the beach for nearly an hour, only heading back when the breeze coming off the ocean got too chilly. There wasn't much talk between them, both simply enjoyed the lulling sound of the waves lapping at their feet. To Buffy, it was one of the most normal things she had done in longer than she could remember. She wished they could just keep walking and forget about everything else. But she was wearing a tank top, and her arms were freezing.

As they neared his house, Angel abruptly stopped and placed his body between Buffy and the structure. He squinted to get a better look at the house, all the while cursing himself for being so damn stupid. What the hell was he going to do now?

Beside him, Buffy was standing perfectly still, confused at Angel's actions. "What's wrong?"

"There's someone at the house," he answered as quietly as possible.

The worry in Angel's voice caused Buffy body to stiffen and she gripped his hand tightly. "Who is it?"

"I can't tell."

Taking a risk, Buffy poked her head slightly beyond Angel and stared in the direction of the house. As she saw what Angel had seen, a person sitting on the front porch stairs, she instantly relaxed. "It's Willow," she told him with a relieved chuckle.

"Are you sure? He asked, still squinting.

"Yeah, no one has that color hair but Willow," Buffy responded.

Angel wasn't so sure, but he trusted Buffy and allowed her to tug him the rest of the way down the beach. Soon, they were close enough to the house that Angel could tell Buffy was right. There was Willow sitting quietly on the stairs, watching them approach. He glanced down at his watch and wondered why the young woman was there at nearly midnight.

"Hey, Willow," Buffy greeted her happily, glad to see her friend.

Willow spared a curious glance at Buffy and Angel's hands that were still locked together. Interesting, she thought, but pushed it aside for now. She wasn't here to talk about whatever was going on between the two of them. "Hey, guys," she returned the greeting.

"Is everything okay?" Angel asked, worried at her presence this late at night.

"Yeah," Willow nodded and stood from the stairs. "I can't stay, but I wanted to get these to you as soon as possible." She held out a large envelope to Angel.

"What is it?" he inquired, taking the heavy envelope from her.

"It's all the stuff I printed out from the police department's files on...everything," she forced out, her eyes flicking anxiously at Buffy.

"Oh," Angel half-gasped, his gaze dropping to the envelope in his hands. "Anything, uh, interesting.

Realizing they were beating around the bush on her account, Buffy dropped Angel's hand, and stood tall, crossing her arms across her middle. "You don't have to protect me. I know what's on those papers."

Angel instantly looked guilty while Willow averted her eyes and poked at the wooden stairs with the toe of her shoe. Reaching down to pick up her purse, Willow draped it over her shoulder before speaking again. "I've got to run, Spike's waiting for me at home. I'll stop by tomorrow and we can go through everything together."

"Thanks, Willow," Angel gave her a nod and stood back while Buffy and Willow said their goodbyes. After the redhead had left, Buffy tiredly walked back up the stairs and into the house with Angel trailing behind her.

Once inside, Angel dropping the envelope onto one of the small tables in the foyer. Buffy stared at him oddly. "Aren't you going to open it?" she wondered out loud.

"It can wait until tomorrow. There's nothing we can do with the information tonight anyway, and we're both tired," he responded, already heading towards the staircase. "Come on, we better make sure Shadow hasn't gotten into trouble while we were out."

After one last glance at the envelope, the one that contained the story of her life, Buffy followed along.

The next morning, Angel was up early and sitting at his desk. The papers that had been in the envelope were spread out across the smooth wood, telling Angel all he'd already known, but this time with facts instead of speculation. He skimmed them one last time before picking up the phone at his elbow.

"Gunn," he said when his called was answered. "I'm going to be faxing you a file I want you to look over."

TBC