Chapter 22

Willow flopped back against the couch in Angel's living room and dropped her feet onto the coffee table. "Ahhh," she sighed in relaxation. "I really needed a day off. Sometimes I think owing a business is more trouble than it's worth."

"It must be nice, though. Having something that's all your own," Buffy clarified. She sat on the opposite side of the couch and pulled her feet up to sit cross-legged.

Ten minutes earlier, Willow had arrived to spend a couple of hours hanging out with Buffy while Angel and Spike went to Giles' house to pick up some more of Buffy's things. Buffy had tried to convince herself to go with them. After all, it would be easier for her to get the things she wanted if she went. But she just couldn't go back there. At least not yet.

Buffy glanced over at Willow and smiled. She was glad to have her there for the afternoon. She was glad to have her best friend back in her life period. After going so long without anyone to talk to, to have a girls' afternoon with, it was just nice to do something so normal.

"It can be kinda cool to own a business," Willow answered Buffy's question. "But it's a lot of work, all those rules and regulations, ordering stock, the accounting, and all that stuff."

"Why did you open up the cafe here in Sunnydale?" Buffy asked, having wondered since she'd first heard about Willow and Spike's business. With everything that had happened in the past, she would have thought her friends would have wanted to go elsewhere.

"Money," Willow stated plainly. "We couldn't afford to move and open a business. Plus, my Dad was our financial backer and he wouldn't help out if we moved. He wanted me to stay here in Sunnydale."

"But wasn't there...," Buffy trailed off, not sure how to put her thoughts into words.

"Trouble?" Willow filled in. "Yeah, at first. Cam's family put pressure on their friends to stay away, and they tried to throw up roadblocks for us, but we stuck with it. We had a decent amount of business from the start. The high school kids came in, tourists, plus newcomers to Sunnydale. It's worked out well enough."

"I'm sorry that...what happened to me caused you guys problems," Buffy apologized solemnly. Her friendships with Willow and Spike had put them at risk. She hated that all her friends had suffered because of her.

"It's not your fault, Buffy," Willow assured her sternly. "You never did anything wrong. Cam's family, the mayor, and whoever else, are to blame for all of this."

Buffy sighed. She knew Willow was right. She hadn't done anything wrong. She hadn't asked Cam to rape her, or for everything that had happened afterwards. But everything that had gone wrong in her life, and her friends' and families' lives, went back to that day in the girl's locker room. If only she'd stopped Cam. If only people had believed her. If only.

That was a useless line of thought, and Buffy knew it. The past was the past. She couldn't change it, and she couldn't forget it. And unfortunately, she still as of yet had been able to move past it. She wouldn't be able to move past it until everything with the deaths of her family had been settled. What were the chances of that happening? Buffy wondered.

"Do you think Angel's right? That we'll be able to find out who did it?" Buffy asked, putting her worries into words.

"Honestly?" Willow looked directly at Buffy, trying to decide what she should say. The truth seemed best. "I don't know. I hope so, and I think it's definitely possible. But I just don't know."

"What will I do if this doesn't get worked out?" Buffy didn't really want to think about that, but she knew it was something she needed to consider. "Angel talked to his friend last night, and the guy seemed to think Angel was nuts for asking him to look at the information. What if he won't help? Or if he doesn't see what Angel saw in the file?"

"Everything will be fine. Angel's friend will help, and he'll believe you're innocent," Willow tried to assure her. She just hoped she was right. Buffy was starting to look depressed, so Willow decided to change the subject. "So how are things with Angel?" Unfortunately, the distraction tactic didn't work as well as she hoped. A dark, pensive look came over Buffy's face at the mention of Angel.

"Fine," Buffy lied. Well, it's wasn't a complete lie, but it wasn't the complete truth either.

Seeing through the deception, Willow eyed Buffy expectantly. When the blonde said nothing, Willow asked, "what's up?"

What exactly was the problem? Buffy thought to herself. She debated the issue for a moment, but she knew what the issue was. It was the past she couldn't get over. Standing, Buffy paced slowly around the room, wondering what to say to Willow. In the end, she settled on the truth. Maybe Willow could help her understand her feelings better.

"It's all so...confusing," Buffy settled on saying first.

"What is?"

Releasing a loud sigh, Buffy eased herself down onto the stool in front of one of the living room arm chairs. She rested her arms on her thighs and leaned forward. "One minute, everything is normal, and me and Angel are just two people. There's this..."

At Buffy's pause, Willow supplied the term for her. "Attraction?"

Attraction was a bit tame, Buffy said to herself, but yeah, that was it. "Do you know how long it's been since I've had these...feelings?...for a guy?" she asked, then didn't bother to let Willow answer. "Not since before...before the rape."

"Before all that happened," Buffy continued. "I had a crush on a new guy practically every two weeks. I wondered what it would be like to kiss them, to go out on dates, or if I would meet the guy who I'd want to...you know...with. And then after...after the rape, I couldn't think about those kinds of things without feeling sick to my stomach."

"That's completely normal, Buffy," Willow assured her. "You went through something utterly horrible, it's normal to have a fear of intimacy afterwards."

"I know," Buffy answered with a sigh. She did know that. She'd been told it numerous times. "But there are moments with Angel when I wonder about kissing him, about other stuff. It's like the rape never happened and I'm just a girl and he's just a guy."

"That's all you really are, when it comes down to it," said Willow in a rush. She hated seeing Buffy so conflicted. She couldn't even begin to image how hard all of this was for her.

"But were not!" Buffy exclaimed. "Sometimes, it seems like we are. But then last night...-"

"What happened last night? Did Angel do something? If he did, I'll-."

"No!" Buffy hurried to correct Willow's line of thinking. "No, Angel didn't do anything. It's me."

"What happened?" Willow asked again.

Buffy began explaining to Willow what had happened the night before, about how she'd been asleep when Angel had come home from work and how she'd gone to look for him. "He was just getting out of the hot tub. All he had on was a swimsuit. And...God!"

"That good, huh?" Willow questioned after seeing the crimson blush creep up Buffy's face.

"You have no idea," Buffy replied with a shake of her head. "Like Greek God good."

"So then what?" prodded Willow.

"I just stood there inside the kitchen, staring at him," Buffy went on. "And all these...these thoughts and feelings were running through me. About how gorgeous he was, about the water drops, about the muscles, and about what a good guy he seemed to be."

If the situation weren't so serious, Willow would have laughed. Buffy was completely smitten with Angel. She'd wondered about it before, but now she was positive. It was good for Buffy, Willow was sure. Angel would treat her right. There were still a lot of things that needed to be worked out, but maybe something good could come out of all of this.

"I felt like a teenager drooling over a guy," Buffy said, slightly disgusted by the idea. "But it was so normal. I wanted him. And then...then I remembered."

"Remembered what?" Willow was pretty sure she know, but she asked anyway.

"The rape. All the sudden it was right there in my mind, every single detail. And I freaked out." Buffy took a deep breath and thought about the night before. "Then it was like Angel wasn't even there, and all I could think about was what Cam had done to me."

"What did Angel do?"

"Nothing." Buffy shook her head. "He didn't see me." She turned to Willow, a desolate, serious expression on her face. "What if I'm never able to be close to a guy?"

"You will. Someday," Willow stated absolutely.

"But what it...what if that's what Angel wants? Expects?"

"Then he's not the right guy. But I don't think Angel is like that," Willow corrected. She thought for a moment, tried to figure out what she should say to her friend. If she had a psych degree this would be so much easier. "Angel will understand, Buffy. He knows about everything you've been through."

"I just...I don't know if I'll ever be able to be with him. Or any guy," Buffy explained dejectedly. She felt broken. A normal woman would be able to be close to a guy without freaking out. She couldn't even look at Angel in a bathing suit without wanting to run away.

Willow got up off the couch and sat down next to Buffy on the small foot stool. "You haven't known Angel that long, Buffy. And just because you're attracted to him doesn't mean you have to have sex with him. There are other ways to be intimate that don't involve sex." She took Buffy's hand, hoping to comfort her friend. "I'm not a therapist or an expert or anything, but if you're really interested in Angel then there are other ways you can be close to him. Hold his hand, watch a movie with your head on his shoulder, share a few kisses. Things like that. You have to let yourself get comfortable with him being close to you physically."

Considering the suggestions, Buffy leaned tiredly against Willow. Her friend made sense. Was she, Buffy, jumping to far ahead? She really hadn't known Angel that long, and they had only kissed once, what seemed like eons ago. Could she let herself be close to Angel in the way Willow was suggesting. Should she? It was all so confusing. And what if...

"But what if Angel wants more?" she asked the question aloud.

"He'll understand, Buffy. Talk to him. Be honest with him. If he doesn't understand, then he's not the good guy I think he is."

Angel surveyed the rooms, taking in every detail. They were actually pretty nice, something a young adult would normally enjoy if they still lived at home. There was a lot of space and privacy. The bedroom area was large, divided up into sleeping quarters and a sort of living space. He could see a bathroom to one side of the room, and then to the left of that another door he wondered if led to a mini-kitchen. Probably did. Buffy had to have had some way to feed herself.

There wasn't a lot of furniture, but enough to be comfortable, and all of it nice quality. Yes, in any normal situation a person in their late teens would love the space. But for Buffy it hadn't been about privacy or growing up. It had been about seclusion, and a reminder of all that had gone wrong in her life. He could understand why she wouldn't want to come back here.

Turning to Spike, who like himself was also studying the rooms, Angel said, "I'm surprised Giles isn't here watching over our shoulders."

"I didn't tell him we were coming," Spike replied, a hint of malice in his voice at the mention of Buffy's father. He just couldn't hold back his anger that the man had done this to his daughter, even if he could somewhat understand the reasoning behind it.

"Then how did we get in? You had a key," Angel pointed out.

Spike shrugged. "Willow had one that Buffy had given her years ago. We weren't sure it would still work, but I guess Giles never changed the locks."

"Oh."

"I was going to ask him, but he's not my favorite person right now," Spike then went on to explain further. "He called Willow last night. Claimed he just wanted to make sure Buffy was okay, but then he started in on what we're doing, saying we were putting Buffy in danger. He thinks it's the wrong thing to do."

"Is that what you think?" Angel asked, hoping he wasn't the only one who believed he was doing what needed to be done.

"No." Taking a moment to think over the situation, Spike wandered the room. "I'm not sure if it's exactly right, or if it'll work, but hell, man, this can't go on. Buffy can't live her life in hiding, always looking over her shoulder. She didn't kill Joyce, Dawn, and Owen. And if she didn't..."

"Then someone else did."

"Right. And personally, I don't like the idea of a sadistic murderer roaming around Sunnydale," Spike muttered. "But this is more about Buffy. She deserves better than this." He waved a hand around the rooms.

"Yeah," Angel concurred. "I just hope it works."

"It's better than sitting around doing nothing." Spike poked at a stack of magazine's on Buffy's nightstand, unable to hold back a smile. They were all chick magazine's about clothes and beauty tips. Typical Buffy. She'd always been reading that crap. "So," he faced Angel. "You got that list of stuff we need to pack up?"

Angel pulled the sheet of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it. "There's not too much on here. Some clothes, stuff from her bathroom, and a few other things." At the pained look on Spike's face, Angel became confused. "What?"

"Clothes?" he repeated. Angel nodded. "Bloody hell! Does that mean we have to...to go through her underwear?"

Suddenly understanding Spike's wariness, Angel let out an equally disturbed chuckle. He didn't think Buffy had realized exactly what they'd been doing when they made out the list. He'd promised to get the stuff though. "Let's just get this over with."

"As long as I don't have to look for tampons or anything like that," Spike mumbled as he went toward the closet.

An hour and a half later, Angel and Spike were walking up the steps of his back porch, lugging two suitcases with them. Spike smiled as he saw Willow standing on the deck, using a hose to water some of the planter boxes along the edge of the deck. He couldn't help but think how pretty she looked.

"Hey guys," she greeted them, lifting her head for a kiss from her fiance. "I hope you don't mind, Angel. Your plants looked thirsty."

"No problem. I usually forget to water them."

"Did you have any trouble?" she asked, shutting off the hose.

"No," Spike shook his head, then said under his breath. "But it would have been easier if you were there. We had to-to pick out bras and stuff."

"Aww, poor baby," she patted his cheek. "It's not like you've never seen underwear before."

"Mmm, I certainly have. Especially those pretty green, lacy ones you wear," he shot back suggestively before leaning down to kiss her again.

Angel cleared his throat, uncomfortable about witnessing their intimate moment. They broke apart quickly, Spike grinning at him while Willow blushed. He gazed around. "Where's Buffy?"

"She's inside with the kitten. She wanted to come out with me, but," Willow shrugged, a certain sadness in her eyes. "With it being daylight, we didn't think it was smart for her to be outside."

"Right," Angel agreed, though he understood her sorrow at the situation.

"We were thinking of ordered Chinese for dinner," Willow blurted out suddenly, needing to break the morose mood that had descended.

"Sounds good, but let's get this stuff inside," Angel nodded to the suitcases he and Spike had brought back. The three then walked to the back door and entered the kitchen. Buffy's happy laughter greeted Angel the moment he was inside. She was seated on the tile floor, tugging a little mouse across the floor as Shadow batted at it with her paw.

Buffy looked up at the sound of the door opening and closing. "You're back."

"Yup." Angel pulled something out from under his arm. "Spike said you might want this."

Shrieking gleefully, Buffy jumped up and grabbed the item from his hand. "Mr Gordo!" She hugged the worn looking, stuffed, pink pig. "Thank you!"

"What is it with you and that pig? Spike questioned. "You'd think it was made of gold or something!"

Buffy, Willow and Spike laughed. She'd been enduring teasing over the stuffed animal ever since the day they'd gone to a local fair when they were all around eight or nine. Buffy had wanted the pig the moment she'd seen it in a game booth. All the guys, Spike, Xander, and Oz, had spent the next hour, needing to prove their manliness, trying to throw ping pong balls into small jars the required five times in order to win the pig for her. She'd been inseparable from the toy ever since.

Their reminiscent laughter caused Angel to feel a little left out. He didn't know what the story was behind the pig, but if it made Buffy so happy, then that was all that mattered. He'd buy her a thousand stuffed pigs if they would keep that smile on her face.

Later that night, after Willow and Spike had gone home, Buffy sat on the steps in front of Angel's house. It was almost pitch black out as there was only a small sliver of moon visible in the sky. The darkness didn't bother her, though. She'd been living in it for so long that it seemed normal. And she enjoyed the beach at night. The sound of the waves was so comforting.

The advice Willow had given her earlier was still circling around in her head. Could this situation possibly be anymore confusing and complicated? She didn't know how to act around a guy anymore, at least not in a friend-sense. And she certainly didn't know how to be around one without being overwhelmed by past memories.

What she did know was that she liked Angel. In more than a friendly way, given the thoughts that had entered her mind the night before when she'd seen him practically naked. He was nice, and gentle, and kind. And he treated her like a normal person, not like some freak. There was just so much about him to like.

So what was she supposed to do about it? She knew for certain that she couldn't yet handle anything serious. She still felt too raw. Was Willow right, though? Should she pursue casual closeness with him? The idea was...nice. She liked the thought of holding Angel's hand, or sitting next to him while watching a movie. She thought maybe she could try that. But she didn't know if Angel would be okay with that.

Angel was a few years older than her. He had to have been involved in relationships before. A man that looked that good had to have women chasing after him. He'd probably been with numerous women. What if he expected sex from her? What if he turned her away when she told him she wasn't ready to even consider it?

A little voice in her head told her Angel wasn't like that. But still she worried. And she knew she would keep worrying until she did something about the situation. She would have to do as Willow suggested. She'd have to talk to Angel, make sure he understood her feelings. Then, well, she'd just have to see how he reacted.

As if on cue, she heard the door behind her open and felt Angel's presence. Now or never, she told herself.

TBC