Chapter 23

Buffy and Angel sat on the stairs under the night sky. Neither spoke. Angel was wondering what was on Buffy's mind. She was so quiet and pensive. Something was obviously bothering her. He hoped it was nothing bad.

Next to him, Buffy was trying to figure out how to start the conversation she needed to have with Angel. She still wasn't sure she had the guts to talk to him about what was between them and what she could not let happen. What if she said something about it to him, and he told her that he only thought of her as a friend? Then she would feel like a complete and utter fool. Was she misreading any feelings he may have?

Well, she'd never know unless she talked to him instead of sitting her like a total moron. And she certainly wouldn't be comfortable until her own feelings were out in the open and he understood her stance. Which brought her back to the original issue. How in the world should she start this talk?

She thought about it for a few more minutes. Should she just blurt it out? Should she lead into it? Should she hope he brings it up himself? Or should she just chicken out? No. She couldn't ignore the problem. It would not go away if she did.

Okay, she could do this. And then it came to her. What she should say.

"Angel? Can...can I ask you a question?" she forced herself to ask first.

Tilting his head to look casually at Buffy, Angel bit back a sigh of relief over the fact that she seemed finally ready to talk about whatever was bothering her. "Sure."

Buffy chewed on her lower lip, as her nerve seemed to abandon her. But she took a deep breath and let the words out in a rush. "Why did you kiss me that night?"

That really hadn't been the question he'd expected. Really not. He opened his mouth to reply, but quickly snapped it shut again. How in the hell was he supposed to answer a question like that?

Sensing his discomfort, Buffy turned her face away. "That's okay, you don't have to tell me."

"No!" Angel swiftly corrected. "It's not that. I was just...surprised." His brows lowered in thought. Man, how'd he end up in this situation? "It's just...honestly, I don't know how to answer you."

Buffy wanted to bang her head on the railing next to her. She'd been hoping his response would let her lead him into what she needed to say to him. But he wasn't cooperating. It looked like she was going to have to be more clear.

Snapping her spine straighter, she made sure to face him fully before speaking again. "Okay. Most times when a guy kisses a girl like that they're...interested." She sucked in a deep breath, the plunged ahead. "What I'm asking is, did you kiss me because you are, umm, interested, or was it just some...thing...that you did?"

If he hadn't been shocked by Buffy's line of thought before, he definitely was now. When she decided to ask questions, they were doozies. He pushed aside the shock, though, and focused back on what she was asking him about. Buffy wanted to know if he was interested in her as a female Romantically, he assumed. Why in the world did she want to know, and how the hell was he supposed to answer?

Angel's thoughts drifted back to the night before when he'd known Buffy had been watching him from the back door. After he'd come inside, she'd been quiet and acting a bit off. She'd remained that way most of the time he'd been around her today. What had happened the night before to concern her, and then lead to her query?

He'd been relaxing in the hot tub, then he'd gotten out and dried himself off. And Buffy had been watching. His eyes flicked down at his body. A narcissist he wasn't, but Angel knew females found him attractive and liked his body. He'd only been wearing a pair of swim trunks the night before. While Buffy had been watching. Was that what this was about? Had something about that bothered her? Regardless, he needed to answer her. Soon, before she thought he was ignoring her.

How to answer still stumped Angel, though. In the end, he decided to blunt, just as she had been in asking him. "Yes. I'm...interested."

"Oh," she said so quietly he almost couldn't hear.

Buffy wasn't sure how he'd answer. None of her predictions, though, could have prepared her for knowing that Angel had a genuine attraction to her, outside of just friendship. It was scary and amazing at the same time. Part of her felt warm and wanted, while another part of her mind whispered to her that she should run, and run fast.

When Buffy didn't say anything, only stared at her feet, Angel felt the need to explain himself. "I think you're an amazing woman, Buffy. Beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. I enjoy sitting and talking with you, or just watching the waves on the beach in silence. You're funny, and smart. There's nothing I don't like about you."

"Oh," Buffy said again, this time it was more of a breathy sigh. She wondered if she was blushing, and hoped that if she was, that he couldn't see it. No one had every said such lovely things to her before.

"If there wasn't so much going on with everything...I would ask you out on a date. I'd take you out to dinner at a nice restaurant, then a movie or do something else you like afterwards, and then a walk on the beach," he continued, the words just spilling out. He managed to catch himself, though, before he frightened her off. Or at least he hoped he did.

For a moment, Buffy wanted to throw her arms around his neck and say Yes! she'd go out with him! Logic prevailed. Or did it? Going to dinner and a movie would be normal. It didn't mean anything had to happen. Willow had suggested to her that starting slow might help, might make her more comfortable. Could she really go on a date with Angel?

Before she could consider that idea more, reality intruded. There was no possible way she could go out with Angel. And not because of her fears, either. She was an accused murderer, and believed dead. She couldn't go anywhere at all.

The sadness that she had been fighting off for days over the fact that she was trapped no matter where she was – in her attic rooms, or here at Angel's – crept back up inside her. Even if she thought she could handle a casual date with Angel, it was impossible.

"What are you thinking about?" Angel requested, breaking into her silent debate.

"That I wished I was normal."

Angel lifted his hand and tilted her head upwards gently. "You are normal."

"No," she disagreed with a shake of her head. "I'm not. There's nothing normal about me." Buffy stood and paced a few feet away on the sand. "I can't go out on a date, Angel. People think I'm dead and that I killed my family! How is that normal? And even if that wasn't a problem, there's still..."

"Still what?" he asked when she hesitated in finishing.

"There's still the rape." Her words came out in a harsh, tired whisper, so full of pain and loathing that it nearly broke Angel's heart. Buffy turned away from his kind eyes and faced the dark ocean. She couldn't look at him for the rest of what she had to say.

"I am attracted to you, Angel. You're fun to be around and to talk to. You treat me like I'm a regular person. Ever since I first talked to you on the beach that night, I've felt comfortable around you, and that's not something I've felt around a guy in a long time." She wrapped her arms around her chest, warding off a coldness that had little to do with the cool ocean breeze. "I watched you last night, and for just a few seconds, everything in the past just...didn't exist, and I was just a girl who wanted to be close to you. But then the memories of that day, of what Cameron did to me, just crashed all around me, and then the thought of being touched by you, or anyone, makes my skin crawl."

Finally, she rotated to look at Angel again, hoping beyond hope that he would understand. "I am interested, Angel. I want you to know that. I just don't think I could ever be what you want. I don't know if I could ever...ever...you know...with you."

Angel felt an irrational anger with himself. Somehow, he'd made her feel uncomfortable, that he wanted something from her. He hadn't meant to do that at all. He wasn't sure what he'd done to make her feel this way, but he regretted it nonetheless.

He stood and walked toward her, stopping a foot in front of her. He didn't dare touch her, for fear of scaring her further. All he wanted to do was alleviate her fears.

"I'd never ask you to do something you weren't comfortable with, Buffy," he told her. "And I'm sorry if I've given you that impression."

"No!" Buffy quickly cut in. "It's not anything you've done, Angel. It's me. For the first time since...since the rape, I have all these feelings inside me. It's so confusing, and it scares me."

Taking a risk, Angel lifted a hand to her cheek and lightly touched her soft skin. She didn't flinch, and for that he was grateful. "I can understand that this must be very hard for you given everything that's happened. But I meant what I said. I'd never ask anything of you that you weren't completely willing to give. First and foremost, I'm your friend, and if that's all we ever are, then that's perfectly fine. If someday we're more, then I promise to you I'd never hurt you."

Buffy's eyes fluttered closed, relief surging through her. He wasn't turning her away. Though she hated herself for it, she couldn't stop the few tears that slipped out from beneath her eyelids. "I thought that if I didn't...that...that you wouldn't want me here."

"I'd never do that to you," he swore. "Anything that may or may not happen between us is completely up to you. But I won't ever stop being your friend."

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Can I...," he caught himself, wondering if he should ask. "Can I give you a hug?"

"I'd like that," she accepted.

Angel wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, but made sure not to hold her too tightly. When she snaked her arms around his middle, he sighed and rested cheek on the top of her head. He could feel her light sobs, but said nothing. Even after seven years, she was still dealing with the burden of her rape. But then, she'd never really been given the chance to recover normally, not with everything that had happened afterward. He promised himself, then and there, that he would do anything to help her move on with her life. And if being her friend was all he could be, then he would accept that.

Very early the next morning, Angel was rudely dragged out of sleep by a loud pounding. He dragged a hand through his tousled hair, trying to clear the fog from his head. He'd been having a rather interesting dream about the beach at midnight, a soft blanket, a bottle of wine, and Buffy. And there hadn't been a thing sexual about it. It had just been them, enjoying the warm summer's night while simply being with each other. Angel supposed it was the result of the talk they'd had the night before. Whatever the cause, he'd enjoyed the dream.

Just as Angel was about to let himself drift back into his dreamland, the pounding sounded again. He shook his head. Who the hell was pounding? The construction guys had finished up work on his house a week or so ago. So where was the noise coming from? He heard it again, this time with a clearer head. The door. Someone was pounding on his door.

Angel shot out of bed, suddenly tense. His eyes darted to his alarm clock. It was just past six-thirty in the morning. There shouldn't be anyone at his door. He dashed out of the room, not caring that he was only wearing a pair of boxer shorts.

In the hallway, he came face to face with Buffy. By her expression, he realized that she too had realized early morning guests were not of the norm for him. They both had a right to worry, given the way things were.

Walking up to her, he stopped and took her hand. "Stay up here and don't make any noise, okay?"

She nodded in response, her throat too constricted to allow her to verbally answer.

Without thinking, he kissed her forehead lightly. "Everything will be fine." He released her hand and started down the stairs, hoping he hadn't just lied to her.

Once on the first floor, Angel strode to the door and poked aside one of the curtains of the window to the right. He frowned at what he saw and quickly opened the door. "Gunn? Why the hell are you pounding on my door so damn early? And why are you here in the first place?"

Gunn, a man of medium stature, dark skin, and a completely shaved head, pushed his way past Angel and into the house. "We need to talk," he stated once he was inside.

Angel's eyes flicked to the second floor where Buffy was hiding and then back to his sister's boyfriend, and the man he hoped would be able to clear Buffy's name. There was only one reason Gunn would be at his house this early, and that was the information Angel had faxed him. Obviously, Gunn had something to say about it all. Angel hoped it was nothing bad. Gunn was his only hope.

"All right," Angel agreed, his voice serious. He nodded to the right and led Gunn into the living room. Deciding against sitting, Angel stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed over his wide chest. "So what's up?"

"First off, where did you get all this information?" Gunn asked as he pulled a folder out of the soft leather bag hanging from his shoulder and waved it in front of Angel's face.

"I printed it out from online news archives," answered Angel, though he knew Gunn wasn't referring to the news articles.

"Don't play with me, Angel," he ordered gravely. "I'm talking about the police files. Where did you get access to them?"

Angel sighed and walked to the window. He stared out at the early morning sky, still showing tints of pink and red, before replying. "A...friend...was able to get them for me. That's all I can tell you right now."

"Okay," Gunn gave a terse nod. "Second question: Why did you want the information in the first place?"

Now that was a tricky question, Angel thought. He couldn't answer with the truth. That would have meant revealing Buffy's existence, and he wasn't sure what Gunn would do with that information. He'd just have to improvise.

"I heard some stories about some things that happened here, and I decided to check it out." Angel grimaced in his head. That was pretty damn lame.

"Uh huh," Gunn grunted. "I hope you know I don't believe that for a second. But I'll let it go for now."

Strolling over to the coffee table, Gunn dropped the file down, stared at it for a few seconds, then looked back at his friend. Well, they were sort of friends. He was dating Angel's sister and they got along pretty good. They weren't all that close. Gunn hoped that Angel trusted him enough with whatever was going on, because he was sure there was more to this story than Angel was telling him.

"Interesting reading," Gunn finally said. "I can see why you wanted me to look over all of it."

Angel said nothing. He wanted Gunn's unbiased thoughts on the events that had happened over the last seven year's in Sunnydale that involved Buffy.

"I read each and every word in there." Gunn poked at the file. "And it's a complete load of crap." At Angel's lifted eyebrow, Gunn shook his head. "And I'm guessing you already figured that out. Anybody with half a clue about law and crime scenes would know there's hardly an ounce of truth in any of those papers."

"Hmm," was Angel's only response.

"But we'll push that aside for a minute." Gunn wandered the room, taking in the pictures on the wall. He stopped at the picture Angel had on the mantle of Fred and smiled, but quickly refocused his thoughts on what was important. "There was a name mentioned in there that rang a bell. I couldn't remember where I'd heard it before so I did some quiet digging."

Gunn went back to the file on the table and pulled out a stapled stack of papers. "Mayor Richard Wilkins III. Seems like he plays a staring role in this little undercover investigation of yours. I thought you might find it interesting that for the last year, he's been under a very hush-hush federal investigation as well."

Angel jumped to attention, completely stunned. "What!"

"I'm trusting you keep this to yourself." Angel nodded his acquiescence. "About a year ago, we brought in a guy for questioning for something in LA. When he realized we could throw him in jail, he offered up some information for a deal. That info led us back to Wilkins, and since then, we've been working on a case for a range of crimes including fraud, conspiracy, blackmail, and an assortment of other charges."

"Shit," Angel muttered. He hadn't been expecting all this. Not in the least. He'd known Wilkins was dirty. He'd helped Cameron and his family cover up the rape and likely played a roll in the murders. This was so much bigger than he'd thought. But it was also a shining ray of hope. Clearing Buffy was looking a lot better.

"I need to know what's going on, Angel. All of it," Gunn requested solemnly.

Before Angel could answer, a soft crash sounded from upstairs. Alarm showed in Angel's eyes but he quickly hid it. He couldn't let Gunn know about Buffy. Not yet. Not until he was sure she would be safe.

"What was that?" Gunn asked suspiciously.

Angel thought swiftly. "Probably my cat."

"Cat? You have a cat?"

"A kitten," Angel explained, moving towards the stairs. "Let me go check and make sure she hasn't gotten into trouble." With that, he climbed the stairs two at a time before Gunn could say anything more.

Upstairs, Angel first went to his bedroom and grabbed a t-shirt, realizing consciously for the first time that he was practically naked. He went toward the guest room that was Buffy's as he pulled the thin white shirt over his head. From the doorway, he could see what had caused the noise. Shadow was sitting on the bedside table, innocently licking a paw while below her, Buffy was kneeling on the floor gathering up a small stack of books. He couldn't help the light chuckle that escaped his lips.

Buffy looked up frantically, her expression that of a deer caught in headlights. "I'm sorry," she blurted out. "She just jumped up there and knocked them over."

"It's okay," Angel assured her as he knelt to help clean up. "I told Gunn it was probably the cat. Lucky guess on my part."

"Gunn?" Buffy zeroed in on that one detail. "The cop guy? He's here?"

"Yeah, he had some interesting information to fill me in on," Angel explained as he picked up the stack of books, stood and then placed them on the dresser where the kitten hopefully wouldn't be able to get to them as easily.

"You didn't tell him-"

Angel saw the stricken look on her face and cut in. "No. He doesn't know. I wouldn't do anything to put you in danger. I promise."

As they stared at each other, a sudden noise jerked both their eyes toward the doorway. Angel cursed under his breath at being some utterly stupid. He moved immediately to Buffy's side, not failing to notice that she'd pressed her back against the wall and was trembling. Damnit. This wasn't going the way he'd hoped.

"Looks like my instincts were right," Gunn said from where he leaned casually against the doorjam. His eyes zoomed right in on the blonde-headed female tucked against Angel's side. "You must be Buffy Giles. I've been reading a lot about you."

TBC