Author's Note: All right, I did it. I caved. Instead of posting the next chapters of "The Other Half' and "Silent All These Years" like a good girl, I succumbed to temptation and wrote a Xandir fic. Methinks I need help. And I'm not sure how to classify this...it's not really serious, and it's not dramatic to say the least, but it's not really humor either, so how about we just use what the whole series is and classify it as seriously-screwed-up?
Lazy Someday Afternoon
Disclaimer: I do not own Drawn Together, any of the characters, or any of the other obscure pop culture phenoms mentioned within. If I did, Woldoor's blood would soak the earth and there'd still be enough of him left after splattering onto the ground for Ling Ling to get in some good post-mortem destructive flesh-tearing. Also, I have nothing against any of the people who may be offended by the non-PC nature of parts of this fic. It's just how the show goes. Sorry.
Life was like, so totally boring. It had been days since the last mass genocide, suicide threat, crashed flying object in the back yard, drunken karaoke strip poker game, or random musical number. Usually they happened every few hours, or at least four times a day. So why was it that nothing had happened yet the entire week?
Maybe that's why the rest of the housemates were finding new ways to entertain themselves. There really weren't any more creatures left on the endangered species list to massacre, after all, and the house had officially been labeled a no-fly zone after the fourteenth jet crash caused by Foxxy's topless sunbathing, and there were only so many times one could crack a racist, homophobic, or fat joke before it got boring. It was time to find something new, something different, something even more exciting and offensive than before!
Xandir was wasting his time attempting to convince his ex-girlfriend she was really a closet lesbian.
"Look, sweetie, all I'm saying is lots of girls have gay boyfriends. You didn't really have a reason to take it that hard. I mean, there's, like, a whole cult devoted to-"
The reception on the ever-distressed damsel's cell phone was a bit fuzzy, given her current location being trapped in a cage on a rapidly sinking rock in the middle of a volcano, but her response was clear enough. "I don't care, you fudge-packing fairy boy, I dumped you, remember? Or did the lube fumes kill your remaining brain cells and make you retarded too?"
Xandir sighed and closed his eyes. She was always like this. It was part of his reasoning. "Um, okay, sweetie, just, can you listen to me for one second here?" He took a deep breath. "Okay. I just think, and I might be wrong here, that's totally possible, but I just think you're mad not because I'm gay, but because our break-up leaves you single and open to speculation."
"Why are you still talking to me? Can't Lord Stabslash kill me without me having to deal with you on top of it?"
"Okay, see, that's what I was talking about earlier, the aggression and man-hating thing?" Xandir examined his fingernails critically. "See, I think you know already and you're just afraid to admit it, and, I dunno, you don't want other people to find out or something, so you asked me out when we were kids to cover up any, um, suspicion? Is this making any sense?"
"You know," came the sharp and highly annoyed reply, "I just realized I'm being devoured by flaming shit on all sides. Oh the irony."
"Okay, you know what? These things you say to me sometimes?" Xandir pressed a hand to his chest. "They hurt. They really hurt. And I am not flaming!"
"Yeah, and neither are the gases comin' outta my ass, but they're still there and they're still freakin' noisy." Spanky Ham sat up from where he'd been napping on the couch and hurled a glass at Xandir's head. "Take the girl talk outside, I'm tryin' to sleep!"
Xandir ignored him. "Look, I don't want to fight with you, sweetie, but I'm just saying you shouldn't take out your fear of rejection on me, and you shouldn't hide anymore. I mean, come on, you know a ton of hot single lesbians that would go out with you in a second! Remember that Lulu girl from Japan, the one with the thing for bondage and animals? ...hello? Hel-lo?"
He stared at the dead phone in his hand and sighed. "Great," he muttered, dropping his chin heavily into his hands, "now there's nothing to do."
There was a sudden loud crash from the living room wall by the windows, and Captain Hero climbed in through the new hole, kicking aside the rubble. "Hey, guys! Foxxy and Toot just shoved Woldoor out the window again. You know what that means!"
Ling Ling perked up and scrambled onto the arm of the couch from where he'd been lying morosely on the carpet idly tearing through the floor in boredom. "Akuta yoshaa'sia m'ngao no ichi-ming Woldoor?"
"Yeah, we've got doggy biscuits, Ling Ling, help yourself," Spanky responded, distracted and not really caring to try and translate the semi-Asiatic gibberish coming from the rodent's mouth. "Is he conscious yet?"
"Totally." Captain Hero headed towards the door to the back yard, grabbing a six-pack of bottled beer on the way. "And the girls are busy with whatever girly stuff they're doing."
He looked back at Spanky, and they chorused in unison, "Table kiss!"
Ling Ling glared after them as they raced outside. Any idiot could have told them he wasn't a dog. And what did food have to do with him asking if Woldoor's blood had soaked the earth and if he was still intact enough for Ling Ling to get in some good post-mortem destructive flesh-tearing? "Baka demong'ya lo'king-ue homos," he muttered, stalking out of the room.
Xandir watched the pig and Spanky head outside curiously. They'd been doing this constantly for days now, since about the time everything else had started dying down. He'd asked Woldoor about it once, but all the weird yellow thingie had told him was something about "male bonding." It was so unfair that they were leaving him out of it. After all, he was still a guy, right?
After all, why else would he have thought it would be cool to date a lesbian?