Chapter Twelve
Kate and Sawyer stood motionless for many seconds staring at the ruins of Sawyer's letter. She tried to speak again but she could find no words that would suffice to express her regret. Sawyer was next to her and she was able to feel his mood change without even glancing his way. She needed to get something out before the outburst she knew was coming.
"I'm so sorry, Sawyer," she said for a second time. The words sounded too inefficient for the situation. They were weak and barely carried a portion of the emotion she was feeling. And if they sounded that way to her, she could only imagined how Sawyer perceived them.
Expectantly, Kate waited for any kind of response. All she heard was the echo of the washer along with voices from the corner TV. Silence emitted from Sawyer. The quiet before the storm she thought. But still he said nothing.
Kate finally brought herself to look at Sawyer. She started to apologize again but he met her gaze and shook his head with a penetrating glare. She caged the words that were about to tumble out and stared at him feeling quiet helpless. In a way he looked helpless too.
The mix of anger and fear that was displayed in his visage was undeniable. Seeing the letter destroyed took him back to that time. To that awful time, when he was confused and angry, left alone with nothing but his frightful thoughts to keep him company. It had been many years ago. Enough seasons had passed that the pain should have dulled but it hadn't. Time wasn't able to heal his wound because he wouldn't let it.
"I'm sure it isn't completely ruined," she said bending over the machine to retrieve the bits of paper. "If we just—"
She left her sentence unfinished when she heard Sawyer's footfalls recede toward the door. She knew he needed space but she followed him anyway. Unluckily, he already had a marginal distance on her. When she reached the door, he was unlocking the car. It was then she realized that he meant to leave her there.
"Sawyer! Don't—" she screamed after him. But it was of no use. He just flashed her that glare again as he turned the keys in the ignition. Soon Sawyer was gone in a puff of smoke from the squealing tires.
She couldn't believe it. How could he just leave her there, in the middle of nowhere? It wasn't exactly her fault that she had washed the letter. Since when was she his mom and have to check his pockets? And he was always so careful with it that at the time it never even crossed her mind. If had just snapped out of his stubborn, arrogant self for once and actually helped her with the laundry the letter would probably be safe right now.
Standing outside the glass door of the building, Kate stared at where Sawyer had disappeared desperately hoping that he would return. The day was bright with a crisp blue sky. The sun glistened high above leaving Kate's shadow short and squat as she bowed her head toward the ground. A chill October wind blew causing the hair on her bare arms to stand on end. The breeze mirrored the chill of fear and sorrow she now felt that Sawyer had left. She turned slowly and walked back inside resigned that the white Pontiac wouldn't reappear on the horizon.
Kate wrapped her arms around her knees as she sat down on the bench. She felt an uncontrollable panic rising in her. She actually believed with the events of the past few days that in the future a true relationship might form between them. An oddly enough, the idea didn't scare her anymore. On the contrary, she wanted and yearned for the closeness and understanding presence of Sawyer. But all hope of having him, of having someone to be there, to protect her, now lay in the torn remnants of the letter. Now she was alone again.
The fear climaxed as she let silent tears roll unheedingly down her cheeks. She always had a way of ruining any bit of happiness she encountered. And then she would run. But now there was no where to run to. He had left her with no way to leave.
A bubbling anger spread through her blood and left a bitter taste when it reached her mouth. He had fooled her. He didn't really care what happened. She had been an idiot to believe that he wanted to be with her for more than just one thing. Usually she was so careful and guarded around anybody, but she had given Sawyer the key to her soul and had betrayed her trust.
Thankfully she was distracted from her depressing thoughts but the rerunning of Jack's interview on the TV. Awhile ago she was devastated by his remarks but now she didn't have it in her to care. She continued to focus on the streaming news until she felt her senses and thoughts were calm once again.
Maybe she was overreacting. Somewhere in her heart she felt that he wouldn't just leave her. He could the most annoying jerk sometimes but he wasn't one to be cruel and malevolent. And all that he said the other night when they couldn't sleep felt too real to have been fake or part of his plan 'to get her.' He just needed to get away right now. He would be back. He had to come back didn't he? Kate again glanced out the glass front toward the road with worry in her face.
Sawyer drove unconsciously along the perfectly straight country road. Seeing the letter destroyed brought too many memories floating toward the surface of his mind. In a way, that one piece of paper represented a time in his life when he still was able to claim innocence, even after seeing both his parents die. He clung to the letter and read it every chance he got to remind him that there was a time when he wasn't what he was now; that at one time he was innocent. But with it gone, he would no longer be able to deny what he had become. He was Sawyer now and he wasn't sure that there was any redemption from that.
The letter also represented his parents to him. It was one of the only things that he hadn't destroyed as a child that reminded him of them. Even though outwardly he acted like he hated them, and which to an extent he did, as every child does he had some reserve of love for them. And now it as destroyed too.
Sawyer let the anger and sense of loss course through his body. He didn't try pushing it down. He had done that too many times and was tired of playing it like he didn't care. A solitary tear ran down his cheek.
He was letting go of his parents, his innocence and his want for revenge. The letter had led him down the road to where he was now disgusted with whom he become. He wanted to start over. Hell, maybe what the Doc said was true: that they'd all had a chance to start over on the island. He only wondered if he could snatch his moment up now.
Thinking about second chances, he thoughts turned slowly to Kate. Nothing about the letter was her fault. Though he knew that his reaction hadn't led her to believe anything of the like. It was his own damn fault. He had been careless and distracted with Kate. But maybe he should take it as a sign that he could move on with her. That she didn't care about his past.
Signs? He was thinking about signs? He knew he had spent too much time around Locke and that pregnant chick in the island.
His thoughts went back to Kate. He had just left her there at the laundromat. He remembered her seeing her frightened and betrayed as he pulled away. He promised her that he would be there as long as she needed him. Look how long that promise lasted. His life was full of broken promises. What else could a con's life be?
The sun was starting to set on the horizon, painting the sky with brilliant reds and violets. He had left at noon and it was now nearing six o'clock. He wondered if Kate had sit waiting for him, if she was still waiting for him.
Kate wouldn't have stayed anyway once she realized that he had left. She was probably hitchhiking halfway to Mexico by now. That's what he told himself anyway. In truth, he hoped that she was still sitting at the laundromat, waiting for him. But he was sure that wasn't the case and there wasn't any reason for him to waste time turning back. He didn't mean anything to her anyway.
Kate sat folding the dried clothes. This was the third she was doing so. Somehow she reasoned that it would make her look less suspicious if someone were to come in. The entire day only one other person came in. It was an older lady. And guessing by her laundry Kate assumed that she lived alone. She barely glanced Kate's way.
It was dark outside now. The sun set an hour ago and pinpoints of light started to dot the blackened sky. She had waited for over six hours for him to come back. She now doubted that he would. Fear started to rise in her again. She had to leave. She couldn't stay any longer. But somewhere in her heart she still had hope that he would return. She reasoned that she could stay a little bit longer.
Her attention drifted towards the news. By now she could practically recite every detail of all the stories that day. Right now they were talking about some bill that hadn't passed in the Senate. All of it was very boring to her. She was about to start folding clothes again when something caught her attention.
"We now have breaking news," the anchor said informatively. "One of the escapees from the Flight 815 survivors has reportedly been spotted this evening in Iowa…"
She didn't hear the rest. Her heart was racing. She had to get out of here now. She didn't have a choice. She hurriedly started to stuff the luggage full of her clean clothes. And without a thought, she put some of Sawyer's in there as well. The zipper on the duffel bag was sticking and she was pulling on it in frustration when bright headlights blinded her through the front windows.
He had to go back. He didn't want to give up on her. He didn't want to give up on the second chance he had been presented. It was nearing eleven o'clock now and he was getting closer to where he left her.
He spotted the bright fluorescent of the place a couple hundred yards out. But he also saw the bright flashing lights of police cars. A sense of dread that he felt since turning around reached its pinnacle. If she had been caught, it was all his fault. He couldn't deal with that.
Sawyer slowed his speed as he approached the building. He knew he couldn't stop. That would be the end of him too. But he wanted to see her one last time. They were all standing out front; local police, state troopers, FBI. He tried peering into the backseats of the cars but he saw nothing.
He continued along the road thinking about what he saw. Something wasn't right. Why would they still be standing around if they had Kate? Were they still waiting for him? If they were they sure weren't very subtle about it. This led him to think that it wasn't the case. She must have left before they got there.
Frantically, he started to watch the side of the road. He doubted that she would take the chance by catching another ride. He found himself retracing the roads back to the abandoned house. It wasn't too far from the laundromat, only a couple of miles with a few turns along the way. He didn't know why he thought Kate would be back there except it was what he would do.
There was still no sign of her as he pulled onto the over-grown gravel driveway that led to the house. He was beginning to doubt his instincts about what she would do. He pulled the car into the barn and immediately ran into the house.
"Kate!" he yelled before he even halfway opened the front door. He was sure that he would only hear silence.
He stepped into the foyer and went to look in the kitchen first but found nothing. Walking through the hall, he didn't see any evidence of her either. His search of the living room didn't yield better results either.
He sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands. He was solely responsible for her arrest. It was a mistake to leave her there alone in the first place. If he had only turned back a few hours early, maybe she wouldn't have been caught. Why did he always let any happiness slip through his fingers?
Sawyer breathed the chill air deeply to let out a sigh. But sigh never escaped. He heard footsteps coming from the bedroom and his heart stopped. He watched as the handle turned and the door opened, framing Kate in the entrance. Relief flooded his body as he moved toward her. Without a second thought he took her tightly into his embrace.
"I thought I'd lost you," he whispered into her hair.
"Me too," she murmured back.
They didn't say anything else. There wasn't any need to. Anything about the letter wasn't important anymore. Apologies were said without any words. All of it was in the past and both were focusing on the future.
A/N: Aren't you guys lucky? I was totally going to leave you with yet another cliffhangar but I'm feeling generous today. Anyway, I think this story is going to go to about chapter twenty and hopefully I'll have it finished sometime in December. Again, thank you so much for the reviews. They're much appreciated!