Title: Chronicles of Boredom
Authors: Cindy and Sandy
Rating: PG-13
Story 2-Somebody is gonna Die!
Disclaimer: You can barely count this as a story, but we clearly don't own anything here except the marvelous plot and the sex appeal spray. If you steal that, we'll sue your asses.
Mulder: Champion!
Scully: So!
Doggett:((walks in)) I saw a prostitute in the hallway!
Reyes:((runs in)) I am not a prostitute, you moron. ((tackles Doggett to the floor))
Mulder: Mud wrassaling!
((Reyes stops, stands up, clears throat, and leaves room))
((All pause))
Reyes:((runs back in and skids to a stop, turns to Doggett)) Just because we slept together and you paid me for it, it doesn't make me a prostitute!
Mulder: Well, legally, it does.
Reyes: Shut up...or...or...I'll...I'll sue. ((ladybug flies in her mouth. Starts gagging))
Doggett: I know CPR!
Reyes:swallows: Don't touch me, you man-whore!
Doggett: I've only done that once! And it was for tickets to a Lions game!
Mulder: Lions suck!
Doggett: Who said that!
((Scully laughs so hard she falls out of her chair and hits her head on the floor, unconscious))
This is her dream:
Doggett: Was it you, Mr. Poster? Did you say that Lions suck?((runs at the poster and rips it off the wall in half and runs out the door))
Mulder:((picks up the pieces and hugs them)) No! Not my baby!
Doggett:((appears)) I got Skinner's head stuck in a urinal!
Mulder: You should save him! You could get fired! I know PCR!((heads to the door))
Doggett: What's PCR?
Mulder:((stops in mid-stride. His head turns completely around making crackly noises)) Pancreases Can Rupture. ((His head goes back into place with more crackly noises and he leaves))
Doggett:((runs after singing the smurf song))
—5 Minutes Later—
((Doggett and Mulder come back without success))
Doggett: Poor old bald man. He was born in a urinal naked and he's gonna die in a urinal naked.
((All of the sudden they see a butt in the doorway and the top of a bald head with a red ring on it))
Scully: No!
Mulder:...((blinks))
Doggett:((drop of drool runs down his chin))
Reyes:((stares blankly, then shakes head)) That is so morbid!
((Skinner farts then runs down the hallway giggling like a little girl))
Doggett:I need a gas mask!((starts running in a circle))
((Reyes starts running in the same circle))
Mulder: I bet $20 on Doggett.
Scully: You're on.
—3 hours later—
Doggett:((trips on Mulder's desk)) NO!
Mulder: NO!
Reyes:((trips on Doggett)) NOO!
Scully: Yay, I won! Pay up Lovaboy!
Mulder:((gets confused)) Why, where, and how?
Doggett:((stands up)) I'm pregnant! ((points at belly, realizes hes NOT pregnant. Grabs all of Mulder's office supplies off of his desk and shoves it up his shirt. Smiles)) Look, Mom, I'm a liquid! (("Flows" out the door, dropping a stapler and a thing of post-it notes on the way))
Scully: But I want to get pregnant.((Looks at Mulder))
Mulder: Uh, uh. No way.
Doggett: ((comes back in, in a Betty Boop costume)) Boop, boop, bedoop, boop! ((leaves again and comes back as normal self, looking serious))I'm done.
Scully:...
Mulder: YOU INTERUPTED OUR MOCK-ARGUMENT!
Doggett:((turns to side, puts hand on his hip and flips the other at Mulder. Talks like a valley girl))You watch to much TV.
((Music starts playing))
Scully: Oh, God.
Doggett: F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and me. N is for anywhere and anytime at all, down here in the deep blue sea.
((Music stops))
Scully:((turns around to see Mulder standing on his desk with a waste basket on his head))
Mulder:((breathes like Darth Vador)) Scully, I am your partner.
Doggett:((screams))((screams))((screams))((screams))((continues to scream))
Mulder:((pulls was basket off)) It's just me!
Doggett:((stops))((screams repetitively))
—Scully wakes up in hospital—
Scully:((looks around, sees every one in her dream, except one unknown critter))
Mrs. Blair: Oops, wrong story. ((leaves))
Doggett: That's more interesting than Reyes's underwear drawer.
Reyes:((bitch slaps him))
Doggett: I'VE BEEN BITCH SLAPPED!((runs away crying))
Skinner:((Pogosticks after him))
Scully: Am I still dreaming?
Mulder: No. Skinner bought it at the gift shop.
Scully: oh.
Reyes: I better go see if Doggett is OK. I bitch slapped him pretty hard.
Scully: OK.
Mulder:((sits down)) Have good dreams?
Scully: Well, not really.
Mulder: What happened?
Scully: Doggett got Skinner's head stuck in a urinal.
Mulder: I don't want to know anything else please.
Scully: OK.
—2 Days later in Scully's Apartment—
((There is a knock at Scully's door))
Scully:((Answers it, Skinner stands there)) Yes, Sir?
Skinner:((hands her a shirt that has a tag that says made in Mexico. The shirt has blood on it))
Scully: Oh, my God, is Doggett OK?
Skinner: Well, yes. He is in mint condition.
Scully: Who's shirt is this? Who got hurt? Are they OK?
Skinner: Doggett's. Mulder. No.
Scully:((gasp)) Mulder's hurt? How?
Skinner:((gasp)) Yes. Doggett.
Scully: Did Doggett hurt Mulder?
Skinner:((gasp)) Doggett hurt Mulder? Oh my gosh! ((runs out door, dropping something))
Scully:((grabs what he dropped. It's a bolt)) Hmm... ((cell phone rings and she grabs it and answers)) Hello.
Reyes: Dana, have you seen Doggett? I woke up and he wasn't there and neither was Mulder!
Scully: What do you mean they weren't there?
Reyes: Well, I mean, I called Doggett's house and he wasn't there...
Scully: And Mulder?
Reyes: Well, I looked over and he wasn't there.
Scully:((starts pushing buttons on phone so Reyes doesn't hear her cussing. She stops))
Reyes: I something wrong agent Sc—
Scully:((hangs up, growls)) Somebody is gonna die tonight. ((looks over at clock to see it is 1:00 am)) CRAP! Somebody is gonna die today!((smiles))
—Meanwhile—
Doggett: I'm tied to a chair and I can't see.
Mulder: YOU JUST REALIZED THAT, MORON. WE'RE ALL TIED TO CHAIRS AND WE ALL CAN'T SEE!
Skinner: I'M NOT TIED TO A CHAIR! THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Mulder: YOU'RE HERE TOO? WHY DID YOU GUYS TALK? I thought I was alone...It was my thinking time!
Skinner: What where you thinking about?
Mulder: That is confidential!
Doggett: I know what you where thinking about. I was thinking the same thing.
Mulder: Sex?
Doggett:((starts to cry)) No. ((continues to cry))
Skinner: Agent Mulder, that is not appropriate...((runs into something)) Why are you guys sitting in the middle of the room? I'm trying to walk around here!
Mulder:((sounds pissed)) What?
Doggett:((stops crying))
Skinner: Well...
Mulder: You have been walking around this whole time!
Skinner: Well, yeah, I'm not gonna sit down!
Mulder:((Mumbles)) Somebody is going to die tonight...or today.
—Meanwhile—
Scully:((approaches Reyes's house, prepares to knock on door. Door opens, a smiling Reyes stands there))
Reyes: Hi, Agent Scully. How are you?
-Scully imagines-
Scully:((pulls out shotgun and shoots Reyes 7 times for good luck. Reyes falls to the ground lifeless. Scully does a merry dance around her bloody body, flames start to surround Reyes's body, Scully laughs evilly...))
-Back to the real world-
Scully: I'm fine, Agent Reyes ((smiles))
Reyes: Come on in...((They both step in and walk to the kitchen))
Scully: Reyes, you need to go to the bathroom...RIGHT NOW!
Reyes: I DO? I better go!((bolts for the bathroom))
Scully:((Starts searching through drawers. Spies badge. Pulls out lighter. Starts to burn badge)) I hope Reyes doesn't miss her badge. ((spies picture)) OH CRAP! THIS IS MULDER'S! ((starts trying to blow out fire)) He's going to kill me! He just bought this leather ID/badge holder! ((start to bang it on a table, fire doesn't go out. Starts to jump on it, fire goes out)) Good thing badges are indestructible. And only a corner of the case is burned so...
—Meanwhile—
Mulder: Well, now that the door is OPEN and we are FREE and WALKING AROUND we can leave.
((Suddenly Reyes and Scully appear chasing a Skinner. After 5 minutes of Mulder, Scully, Reyes, Skinner, and Doggett cornering Skinner...))
Doggett: There are two Skinners!
Mulder and Scully:((slaps foreheads))
REAL SKINNER: Ha ha!
FAKE SKINNER: Ha ha!
Reyes: This other Skinner is indestructible!
Scully: Well yeah, he's a Stainless Steel Skinner!
Mulder: Wait a minute!
Scully: What?
Mulder: SEX!
Scully: SEX IS WHAT GOT US ALL HERE!
Doggett:((starts to cry. His tears short circuit the SSS))
Mulder: You got him!
Doggett: YAY!
—LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE—
—END—