Title: Chronicles of Boredom
Authors: Cindy and Sandy
Rating: PG-13
Story 3-Turn Off the Light
Disclaimer: You can barely count this as a story, but we clearly don't own anything here except the marvelous plot and the sex appeal spray. If you steal that, we'll sue your asses.
((Scully is at home thinking about her "problem". She decides to take action))
Scully: I AM NOT GOING TO STAND FOR THIS ANY LONGER! I am not getting any sex and I don't like it!
((She grabs her keys, her BLACK jacket, and heads to her BLACK car to go to BLACK—er...—Wal-Mart. While at Wal-Mart, she buys a book called Sex for Dummies, which she completely forgets she buys when she sees the nice BLACK sports jackets, BLACK sunglasses, BLACK shoes, BLACK pants, BLACK tank tops, BLACK hair ties, BLACK writing utensils, BLACK people, BLACK wrapping paper, BLACK paper, BLACK bedspreads, BLACK office chairs, BLACK underwear, BLACK bras, BLACK spam in a can, BLACK tampons, BLACK contacts, BLACK leather whips, BLACK eye liner, BLACK cosmetics, Whorshipping the Color Black Magazine, BLACK children's toys, BLACK CDs, BLACK briefcases, and last, and most certainly least, Mulder's Christmas gift, a BLACK ID/badge case, since she burnt the corner of the old one. She gets Doggett a Pretty Pretty Princess game, which he has been asking for ever year since he was just a little boy. She didn't get Reyes anything, because she was mad at her. She didn't get Skinner anything either, she still wasn't sure if it was the real one or the mechanical one))
—Later at her apartment—(x-mas eve)
((She sat wrapping Christmas gifts for herself—and various others. Knock on door))
Scully: ((stands up and spots book in corner. She panics and grabs it. She runs into bedroom and shoves it in drawer. Calmly walks to door and opens it))
Reyes: ((stands smiling, holding out a beautifully wrapped present with a big BLACK bow))
Scully: ((takes it, sets it neatly on her coffee table, walks back over to Reyes, smiles)) Jee, thanks, but, awww, guess what! I didn't get you anything! Wonder why... ((pretends to ponder))
Reyes: Agent Scully, are you getting at something?
Scully: YES! I've been getting at something for three months!
Reyes: Such as?
Scully: ((groans, slams door in her face, sits on couch, pouts))
—24 hours later—
Scully: ((wakes up on couch)) I'm bored, I should call Mulder ((calls Mulder, no answer, calls Doggett, no answer, calls Mom, Skinner, Cancerman, Krycheck, and even Mr. T, NO ANSWER!)) What is up! ((sighs)) I have no choice... ((calls Reyes))
Reyes: Reyes & Company.
Scully: Monica, um, ((hears lots of people and obnoxious music in background)) did I interrupt something?
Reyes: Just the FBI Christmas party.
Scully: I wasn't invited.
Reyes: I know.
Scully: WHAT!
Reyes: So what'd you want? I'm supposed to be licking whipped cream off of a guy's nipples right now, so if you could hurry this up...
Somebody in the background: Take it off, take it all off!
Scully: Was that my mother?
Reyes: Yes. WHAT DO YOU WANT!
Scully: Is Mulder there?
Reyes: Hold on.
Scully: ((hears Reyes: "FOX MULDER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE." Mulder: "WHAT! I'M BUSY!" Reyes: "Scully's on the phone." Mulder: "Oh..."))
Mulder: Hey, Scully, WHASSUP!
Scully: ...
Mulder: What makes you so cheery?
Scully: ((angrily)) HAVING FUN?
Mulder: Well, actually I'm having a wonderful—
Scully: I know! I'm going to come over there and if you are not standing outside when I get there I will personally go and kill you in front of the entire bureau and some prostitutes!
Mulder: What was that, I wasn't listening.
Scully: I'M GONNA BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES. YOU BETTER BE READY!
Mulder: But I've got a girlfriend waiting and—
Scully: ((hangs up))
Mulder: WHERE'S MY PANTS? She's coming in five minutes!
Reyes: She's not coming in is she!
Mulder: Not if we find my pants!
-Everyone starts looking for his pants-
Doggett: Here you can have my pants. I don't need them right now. ((hands them to Mulder))
Mulder: There they are! ((drops Doggett's pants and runs to his, backs into corner))
Somebody: We need a sacrifice.
-Everyone starts chanting "sacrifice"-
Somebody else: It's him she wants! ((points at Mulder))
Mulder: ((panicky)) WHAT!
((a bunch of people grab him and throw him out the door and lock it))
Mulder: ((starts banging on door)) No, let me back in. Lemme back in! ((Turns around)) Hi Scully.
Scully: ((grabs his arm and squeezes until she sees blood. Starts to yank him towards car. Shoves him in car, drives away))
Mulder: Where are we going?
Scully: To my place.
Mulder: That's not safe.
Scully: Not to you!
Mulder: Why must you hurt me so?
Scully: Because you're having fun and I'm not.
Mulder: I'll stop having fun if you let me go back.
Scully: Only if I go with you.
-THIS IS WHEN MULDER COMES UP WITH A DEVIOUS PLAN. YES, A PLAN SO EVIL, SO HORRIFYING THAT EVEN SCULLY COULDN'T THINK OF IT-
Mulder: OK.
Scully: What? You will let me go?
Mulder: Of course, why not? I've got nothing to loose right?
Scully: Well... ((Scully U-turns in front of three cars and goes straight through the median))
—After the ruined party (ruined by Scully, of course)—
((Scully sits alone in her apartment))
Scully: Why does everyone hate me so? I have to go pee. I have to visit my non-loving family. I wish I had eggnog. I wonder if I'm on Santa's good list or bad list. I'm probably on his people that don't get presents anyway because they're stupid list. That's the list I was on last year. Mulder told me so. I wish I had friends that liked me and wouldn't throw sacrifices at me every holiday. Mulder's a cheap sacrifice anyway. They could have done better. I remember last year when I had lots of eggnog and I got sick and had to stay home on the holidays and Mulder tired to cheer me up and dressed like and elf and I puked on him and he ran away screaming. Then Doggett cam to see what was wrong and he already looked like an elf with the pointy ears and all so I puked on him too. He fainted. It was sooo worth it. Doggett sucks. So does Mulder...SO DOES REYES! AHHHH! ((Runs to bedroom pulling out her hair and runs into dresser, knocking it over and throwing all the contents on to the floor. There on her lap lies the Sex for Dummies book. She opens it.))
This is what it says:
So you want to be attractive, eh? Well, before you enter you should know this, you cannot be short or have red hair or go psycho on the holidays.
((turns page))
JUST KIDDING! We have three simple words for you!
SEX APPEAL SPRAY
BOUGHT THIS BOOK AT WAL-MART, RIGHT! Did you happen to look on the shelf beside it? There would be a little bottle that looks nothing like this primitive drawing.
ll
l--l
(actual size)
One spray lasts a lifetime.
((turns page))
SO GO BUY IT, STUPID!
((drops book, runs out door))
—at Wal-Mart—
Scully: ((runs towards shelf, Mulder dives into her path causing her to trip))
Mulder: Why are you at Wal-Mart on this fine day?
Scully: Um...why are you here?
Mulder: I forgot your present.
Scully: ((scowls)) Well, I got your's a long time ago.
Mulder: Oh,...no, seriously, Scully. What are you doing here?
Scully: Buying black things!
Mulder: ((shakes head)) Why'd I even ask? ((walks away))
Scully: ((waits for him to get out of sight. Runs towards shelf, notices the 2 for the price of 1 deal. Grabs two bottles and runs towards cashier))
Cashier: That'll be $100 please.
Scully: But it's 2 for the price of 1!
Cashier: I know.
Scully: ((growls))
Cashier: Ok. I'll give it to you for $50.
Scully: YAY! ((throws the money at him and runs towards the men's department. She pours it all over herself))
-suddenly men's heads start popping out above clothes racks to stare at her-
Scully: ((calmly walks out of men's department. Leaves store and walks down street and a car crashes. She goes up to him to see if he is alright)) Are you ok, Sir?
Man: ((drops his jaw and nods))
Scully: O...K...((Backs away from car, runs towards apartment building. When she gets inside she locks all doors and windows and stands in middle of living room panting))
Mulder: ((pokes out head from bathroom door)) You're looking nice today, Scully.
Scully: ((starts shaking uncontrollably))
Mulder: You ok, Scully?
Scully: Side effect.
Mulder: Oh...no, seriously, what's wrong? Hey! De ja vu!
Scully: Mulder, leave!
Mulder: You're not going psycho again are you?
Scully: ((nods slowly))
Mulder: ((backs as far away from her as possible and bolts out the door))
-The door starts to shake. Mulder panicks on the other side. He hears her scream. Mulder whimpers-
Scully: I know you are there! Leave!
Mulder: No I'm not! Crap! ((leaves))
Scully: ((wonders why the spray had no effect on him. Finds bottle and reads fine print))
Will not work on friends as this diagram shows:
Friend Lover
V
Enemy
As you can see...this shows that you cannot go from friend to lover.
Scully: Damn. I have an idea!
—Next day at office—
Scully: All I have to do is make Mulder hate me then love me.
Mulder: ((walks in))
Doggett: ((walks in)) My, Agent Scully, you look radiant today.
Scully: Doggett, we're just friends aren't we?
Doggett: Yes.
Scully: Thank god. Now go sit outside.
Doggett: OK. ((Walks to door, sits on floor in doorway))
Scully: Mulder, I was the one who burnt your badge and ID case.
Mulder: WHAT! I HATE YOU!
Scully: Here's your Christmas present!
Mulder: OH JOY! ((unwraps present)) It's a new badge/ID case! I LOVE IT! ((looks up. Eyes get wide, mouth falls open))
Scully: What's wrong, Mulder?
Mulder: You're glowing.
Scully: ((looks down)) No I'm not.
Doggett: ((storms in)) YOU BURNT MULDER'S ID/BADGE CASE!
Scully: But...No...I was just joking.
Doggett: Fair enough. ((walks out))
Scully: ((sighs. Mouths thank you. Turns around to see Mulder staring at her, drool forming on the corner of his lips))
Mulder: You look like pretty angel.
Scully: ((gets confused)) Are you under my total influence?
Mulder: ((nods))
Scully: ((smiles evilly)) Go kill Reyes.
Mulder: ((runs out door))
Scully: ((hears Reyes scream)) What a moron, I didn't think he'd try to kill her in an FBI building. ((hears an unidentifiable scream, peaks out door, sees Mulder being tackled by a bunch of men and Reyes pointing and laughing at him)) Let him go!
-the men let go and smush themselves in the elevator-
Mulder: ((stands up))
Reyes: ((kicks him in the nuts))
Mulder: ((falls on floor in pain)) OUCH! THAT HURT! I MAY NEED THAT! I WANT A FEW MULDER JR.S RUNNING AROUND CALLING ME DADDY!
Reyes: I know a way to prevent that. ((kicks him in the nuts again and walks away))
Scully: Mulder, you suck! ((goes in office))
—A few minutes later—
Scully: I wonder if he is OK. ((peeps out in hallway to see that Mulder is gone. She goes upstairs to look for him and runs into Skinner))
Skinner: HELLO, AGENT SCULLY!
Scully: Hello sir.
Skinner: Will you wax my head for me?
Scully: But sir...
Skinner: Your job is riding on this...
Scully: You won't fire me.
Skinner: No but...
Scully: ((Stomps away. Suddenly Mulder glides by her in an office chair, tied down with ties))
Scully: Mulder! What are you doing? Stop messing around!
Mulder: ((mumbles from being gagged with a tie))
Scully: SPEAK ENGLISH! ((rolls him into the elevator. She rips the tie out of his mouth))
Mulder: THANK GOD! I couldn't breate!
Scully: You were breathing perfectly fine in the hallway! Enough to be rolling around in the office chair!
Mulder: Those mean guys that beat me up in the hallway tied me with their ties! Then they pushed me down the hallway! Then you came up and shoved me in the elevator and took the tie off and asked me what happened. Then I told you about the mean men that beat me up in the hallway and—
Scully: ((interrupts him by taking her gun out and pointing it at him)) Continue and I will kill you!
Mulder: But I was just telling you about the mean men in the hallway that beat me up then later tied me to the chair and pushed—
Scully: ((makes a clicky noise with the gun))
Mulder: ((shuts up))
-They get off the elevator and get in the office, Scully dragging him by the chair-
Doggett: What happened?
Mulder: Well, there were these mean men that beat me up in the hallway. Then they tied me to a chair with their ties and—
Scully: ((gets her gun out again))
Mulder: I stopped.
-END-
A/N: Once again...this is not really the end...there is much more, this we can promise to our one reader. Keep in mind this was written 5 years ago. There is A LOT. There are at least 5 stories already, not to mention if we decide to go on. This insanity may never end...it's just all the typing, typing, typing. It never stops. We originally have it written completely on paper, taking over a whole notebook. Must go. Must type! (also the sex appeal spray was originally drawn and it is VERY hard to recreate that on a computer)