Over the River and Through the Woods
by Sharon R.
Disclaimer: As always, I don't own any of these characters. Only borrowing them for a good laugh.
This was a challenge I did quite some time ago at an awesome private fic group. Bored during the holidays and hungering for some plain old ensemble fics, I thought I'd dust it off. Merry Christmas all.
Chapter 1 of 2
A loud, obnoxious belch echoed from the second canoe as they paddled across the lake.
"God DAMN it, Jerry," Pratt blathered, "how is it possible that your burps smell worse than your farts?"
"You don't really know that… yet," Jerry gave back rather offended that Pratt would think so low of him.
"Seeing as I'm sittin' down wind of your gaseous emissions, it probably won't be long before I find out." Pratt angrily slammed his paddle into the water. "And someone explain to me why I'm stuck in a canoe with him."
"Maybe because you've never done this before," Jerry told him in a snit, "and I have."
"Yeah, well your fat lard ass up there may sink this floating coffin before you get a chance to show off your Grizzly Adams balls."
"Oh, for the love of God," Carter screamed sitting in the middle of the two, "someone get me out of here."
"Hey," Kerry bellowed as she helped paddle her canoe up to their side, "You three keep at it much longer you'll scare all the wildlife from the lake and there will be nothing to do." As she pushed away from them with her paddle, she made sure her first stroke in the water produced just enough backsplash to make her point.
"Suppose that widow will crawl back into her web where she belongs?" Pratt thought he said under his breath.
"I heard that Pratt."
Performing the rear ruddering of the women's canoe, Susan glanced back at Carter with an apologetic look as they passed them by. "Sorry," she mouthed to him.
"Pick it up boys," Chuny shouted back at them from between Susan and Kerry, "you're slowing us down. Dead weight is what I'm saying. Dead weight."
The canoes were dragged up on shore and overturned to prevent them from floating back out into the lake. By the time all of the supplies and personal belongings were sorted and tents erected, Kerry had already collected wood for the fire and was on hands and knees blowing into the kindling.
"It takes two, Pratt," Jerry whined, "I need someone else on the other end of the rope to anchor it."
"I am NOT falling for some stupid prank."
"It's not a prank. It's a bear bag."
"Pratt, Pratt," Kerry yelled smacking the back of the log he was sitting on with her crutch, "unless you want a bear knocking on your tent door tonight, you'd better get your butt in gear and help Jerry with the bear bag."
"You're kidding," Pratt questioned her, "hanging food and garbage between trees?"
"Got a better idea? These two days are about team work, staff building, working together, Pratt. We are here to work collectively and cooperatively. NOW GET YOUR ASS OFF THAT LOG AND GET TO WORK."
Pratt finally got up and went to help Jerry with the bear bag while Kerry stoked her fire. Susan and Chuny were off getting water and filtering it leaving Kerry with the last two members of the County team: Morris and E-Ray.
"So how is it that you came to County?" Morris asked E-Ray.
"I worked there several years ago, then left to explore my limitless potential in the existential field of communicating with my fellow human beings."
"Oh. You did some research? Working on a Ph.D?"
"Writing for a Washington paper. Laid off due to budget cuts. But my essential soul never really left the ER."
"Uh-huh," Morris mumbled pretending to understand.
Carter set to work putting hot dogs and wrapped sliced potatoes on the fire while pretending to ignore the goings on around him. It had been all of three minutes since he last checked his watch. They had driven four hours to the retreat house and then sat through a boring four hour seminar including doing role playing games before it was announced that their evening accommodations would not be in cabins on the populated side of the lake, but in shared tents on one of the many little islands in the middle of the lake. The director of the far too expensive staff building seminar, Arthur, kept inhaling deeply through his nose, as if he were taking his first ever breath, and proclaiming the virtues of lake air. But to Carter it smelled old and musky, of dead fish and too much bug spray. And when all of their whining carcasses finally made it into the canoes, where was the man who took County's check all too eagerly? Back in his air conditioned bedroom with his much too young looking - yet not very bright assistant - whose name tag decorated with little homemade hearts and smiley faces declared, "Hello… My Name is Courtney". Poke her and she giggled.
"I'm just saying that it's a waste, Dr. Lewis," Carter heard Chuny say as the two ladies made their way back into camp.
"Please, it's Susan. After all, I've bared my breasts to you. And it's called 'pump and dump'."
"How's it going being away from the baby?" Carter moved over on his log and made room for Susan.
"Not bad. Actually I'm looking forward to getting some sleep."
"In a sleeping bag on the hard ground?" Carter laughed.
"Hey, Chuck has been complaining about my breastfeeding interfering with his bonding time with Cosmo. Every time the baby wakes up to nurse, Chuck fawns over my shoulder. I have to dab at his drool as much as the baby's. Believe me, if he could grow breasts and lactate he would quit his job and bond with the little parasite that my son has become."
"So you're adding your homegrown protein to the fishies in the lake?"
"Every four hours like clockwork."
"And I'm sure they appreciate it."
"Thanks for nothing, Carter," Pratt complained as he stumbled his way back into camp over a pile of wood.
"What's your problem, Pratt," Susan asked, "no innocent strangers here to give you an admiring audience?"
Pratt just gave Susan a nasty look before turning his attentions back to Carter. "It's because of you that Weaver's gone all Dr. Phil."
"Me?"
"Yeah. You and Kovac came back from Africa all buddy buddy and she thought that all that time you guys spent out there in the wilderness was good for your working relationship."
"I wouldn't exactly call it wilderness."
Pratt snickered at Carter. "What's for dinner?"
"We got hot dogs and potatoes," Chuny told him passing out the paper plates. "Anything else is your responsibility."
Chuny couldn't help stare at Jerry as he entered the camp area walking rather gently with a wide gate. "Got a little case of the prickly heat, Jerry?"
"It's not the heat," Jerry bumbled red faced, "it's the humidity."
Everyone took a helping of the food and supplemented with a snack that they had brought with them, except Morris who diligently pulled out cooking utensils from his backpack.
"Morris," Susan quizzed him pointing at the glass amber colored saucepan, "Is that… is that Vision Wear?"
"I came prepared. Hot dogs have way too many preservatives."
Morris proceeded to take out a measuring cup, measuring spoons, and then butter and milk from a small cooler. Very carefully he measured two cups of water and put it in the saucepan waiting for it to boil.
"You have got to be kidding me," Carter laughed astonishingly. "You are camping and you not only bring glass cook wear and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, but you even measure the ingredients?"
"Morris, you do know," Jerry added, "that mac and cheese from the box has so many preservatives you could use it to caulk windows."
"Like you know?"
The group of seven all looked at Morris, unable to comprehend his ineptitude.
"Alright people," Kerry stood and addressed the staff members, "we are going to leave here with a new found respect for each other." Her seven reluctant co-workers all sighed loudly. "Don't worry next weekend the other team of…" She checked her notes, "…Kovac, Chen, Anspaugh, Neela, Abby, Sam, Malik and Frank will be here enjoying the comforts of the outdoors."
"I guess it could be worse," Pratt mumbled.
"That's right," Jerry mumbled back, "you could be shacking up with Anspaugh's farts."
"Jerry!" Kerry threw an empty water bottle at him.
"What? I wasn't doing anything."
"Pay attention or I'll ship your ass back here next week." Kerry composed herself and wiped the sweat off of her hot brow. "Now, I even have a surprise. We're not alone on this island. Another group of eight from another hospital, unknown to me, went through their seminar this morning while we were on the road. They are going to join us this evening and we will pair up with our counter parts and spend the remainder of the evening comparing notes, sharing some of this lovely wine we brought along, and playing the games Arthur gave us." Kerry looked around the campfire and noted the sourpuss faces as they looked everywhere but at her. "It's six o'clock, they're supposed to be meeting us here. I can hear their voices now. When they get here find out who your counterpart is and find someplace quiet to get to work."
Pretty soon, several faces emerged from around the corner. Jerry laughed, Carter's jaw fell open and Kerry's face turned chalky white.