Emotionless

"Squall… are you awake?" Quistis Trepe stood at the side of Squall Leonhart's bed, smiling down at him, her angelic face illuminated by the morning sunlight that faintly glowed through the closed window blinds.

"I am now." Squall climbed up from the white sheets, squinting against the blinding light that forced its way into his storm blue eyes.

"Oh… well, I came here to give you a message." Quistis looked rejected, her smile melting off her face, the red lips embracing a frown.

(The only reason you ever come here is to give me a message. You're not an instructor, you're the Headmaster's dog.)

Squall pushed his thoughts aside and watched Quistis' moving lips, half-listening to her words… the words that were always either scolding him or praising him or informing him of some topic he already knew of. Yet she was forced to deliver a message, and she would do so at any cost.

"Your father has surfaced, Squall. He is a personal friend of Headmaster Cid's, and he requested a meeting with you." Quistis told him. Squall frowned deeply, reaching over to the window and opening the blinds up so the whole room lit up with the morning rays. He needed something to keep his hands occupied… or else he would look suspicious, and the last thing he needed was Quistis asking him how he felt.

(My father…? Honestly, what is a father? The person who created you, or the person who stayed by your side all throughout your childhood and made you happy? I should think that the latter is a father… which means that I have none.)

"Squall? So will you meet with him?" Quistis was asking. Squall came into focus, seeing those questioning blue eyes.

"…No." He said, frowning. "I will not."

"But-but why! After all these years as an orphan, you finally get the chance to meet one of your parents and you refuse! How could you!" Quistis screamed at him, but he did not hear her. When the blonde saw that he wasn't paying attention to her-he was watching a bluejay on the windowsill-she narrowed her eyes at him, looking more seductive instead of angry, and turned on her heel, huffing and then leaving. Squall didn't do so much as blink. Instead he focused on the little bird in the window, reaching over and opening the small dorm window so that fresh wind blew relaxingly in on his face, blowing his shining copper brown hair back, rushing peacefully around his ears. He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment as he reached for his clothing that hung on the wall.

Silently he gazed at the bluebird on his windowsill, unmoving, as in prayer. He let a smile come to his face as it chirped at him, seeing the boy staring at it. And then, out of the blue, it flew into his room and landed on his shoulder, startling him a little, enough to jump back. But the bird did not fly away. Instead, it came closer, curious about its new human companion. Squall grinned, his face becoming a little less depressed, a little less serious.

(This bird reminds me of Rinoa… where is she, anyway?)

He shook his head and reached over for the bird, and it came willingly into his hands. Still smiling, he carried it to the windowsill, setting it outside. As soon as he turned away to grab the clothes he had dropped on the bed, he heard the bird chirp again, and then it was at his feet, looking curiously at him again.

"Hey…" He looked at the tiny bird who seemed to think he was Squall's new friend. "Why don't you go home?"

The bird chirped, and Squall looked at it with a confused look on his handsome face.

"Don't you have a home?" He asked. The bird chirped again.

"Yeah… I didn't have a home for a while either. I sympathize with you." He nodded, as if confirming something. "Stay here until I get back, okay?" He told the bird. It chirped in reply. As he left and closed the door behind him, he put a hand to his forehead.

(Great… I'm talking to birds now. What stupid thing can I possibly do now?)

He ran through the shower and returned to his dorm room, seeing a note on the plain oak door. He pulled it off.

Dear Squall,

I know you didn't want to talk with me, but I'm going to try and get this done…get something done for once. I want to speak to you very badly, and I'm not going to let you go now that I've found you. You remember that… I'm never letting you go now.

I know that I've never been there for you these past nineteen years, but you've got to understand my situation. I lost you during the Sorceress War, and I went to find you, but… I only now came upon you.

To tell you the truth… I knew about you when you came to Esthar to see me, but… I couldn't face you just yet. I spent hours upon hours thinking of what to say to you when I found you, but after I saw you in person, after I saw how grown up and how cold you had become, I… I didn't know what to say.

I guess I'm pathetic. Go ahead and call me that, because I can't deny the truth. But I also cannot deny that I want to meet you and see you again, because seeing you the way I did makes me curious… I want to know how you got the way you are.

Is it because of me?

Is it because you lacked a father for such a long time?

Or was something precious taken away from you?

Whichever way it is, I'm going to reverse it. Because finally, I want to see you. I want to talk to you face to face and tell you how much I've missed you. I want to see you and I don't want to be scared. I want to treat you like a father treats his son. I want to catch up on the things that have happened over these years. I want to hug you when you do something good.

I just want to see you so badly… I want to be a father now. I want to pretend like we were never apart… like I've been there your whole life. Would you be able to pretend? Would you be able to forgive me? Would you be able to live with me that way? I'm willing to accept your cruelness if I can only get just one compliment, one friendly hug from you. Would you give me that hug?

I… just wanted to let you know that I am here in as many ways as a father can be for his son. Just know that.

Always a father,

Laguna

"Laguna!" Squall practically roared, slamming a fist into the wall. "How could that airheaded loser be my father!"

The little bluebird who had been visiting with him earlier chirped happily, unaware of his new friend's distraught. He pranced up to Squall, his eyes not a bit frightened. Squall peered down at the tiny thing, slightly annoyed at its curiousity.

"Gotta get to class…" He frowned, walking past the bird to his bed. He reached for his boots and tugged them on with little patience, and in his haste he dropped the letter from Laguna. Not like it mattered. He had no plans to read it again later, anyway. Just seeing the curly handwriting that was his father's sickened him. Yet… he wondered who his mother was. A mother's connection to her baby was always stronger than the father's to the child. Could his mother still sense her son's presence? Did she wonder everyday what he looked like, where he was, what his name was, if he was still alive? Squall didn't want to have anything to do with his no-good father, but his mother…

(Mothers are always so kind and so gentle. They're the ones who care for you while you're sick, and the ones who read you stories at bedtime. They have voices that sound so kind and so soft that they lull you to sleep, slowly. They make the lunches for their kids to eat at school, and they provide the meals at supper and at breakfast as well. And…)

Squall slipped on his leather jacket and stepped up to the full length mirror and examined his appearance, searching for any grooming mistakes he might have made. He didn't see any. His hair was soft and shiny, not a strand out of place. His outfit was straight, no creases to be seen, no stains whatsoever, and every fold was folded. His face was clean and freshly shaven, no signs of sleeping dust, blemishes, or stray hair anywhere. He looked flawless.

Quietly he exited the room, shutting the door behind him. And as he was on his way to his first class, he completed his thought.

(…Mothers… are the ones who give you life.)

He went through his day without interruption until Quistis' class came-there always seemed to be trouble waiting for him inside those doors. Sometimes he could swear that his teacher enjoyed thinking up ways to make Squall miserable. He knew she didn't enjoy seeing him in pain, but still, she always seemed to be carrying some message for him that made his day suddenly go wrong. He had come to resent her class.

"And to defeat the mighty Propagator, you-" Quistis stopped talking as the electronic doors slid open to reveal Xu. The brunette stepped up to Quistis, lowering her voice and whispering something to Quistis. Just seeing Xu there gave Squall chills. He knew, with some hidden sixth sense within himself, that Xu was carrying a message for him or at least relating to him.

He was right. As soon as Xu stepped out of the room, Quistis announced that Squall was wanted in Headmaster Cid's office. Sighing, the male brunette slid out of his chair, ignoring Seifer's sneer from the seat across the aisle. He kept his gaze to the floor, walking through the wide aisle of desks to the doors, not looking back over his shoulder as he exited the room.

Sadly he walked through the hallways, his head down, his stormy blue eyes focused on the ground. All around him was quiet; classes were started, the only loud place now might be the Training Center, if anyone was in there.

He got to the elevator and rode it to the top floor, most definitely not looking forward to whatever Headmaster Cid had to say. He stepped through the double doors of the lobby on the third floor and saw Headmaster Cid standing silently in front of the lift, with… him next to him.

(…Laguna!)

"Hey, champ… what's up?" Laguna offered shyly, his lips forming a small smile as he gazed into Squall's stormy blue lupine eyes.

(He barges into my life after how many years, and his first words to me are 'Hey champ, what's up!' What kind of a guy is he! I'm ashamed to call him my father…)

"What the hell are you doing here?" Squall asked coldly. Both Laguna and Headmaster Cid looked taken aback by the harshness in the boy's tone.

"Squall!" Headmaster Cid stepped in, ready to reprimand the Commander. Squall put a hand up to stop him, looking down at the ground so he didn't have to look into the eyes of his Maker.

"Was there a good reason you brought me up here?" Squall asked Cid, his eyes taking on an aloof look.

"I… wanted to get you and Laguna-I mean, your father­-together. He's been wanting to speak to you, and I just wanted to get you to accept him…" Cid looked quite dejected. Squall almost grinned. It always was a bit surprising to him that he could offend people so easily. It was like a skill…

"Doesn't a conversation take the interest of two people?" Squall asked angrily. Laguna's mouth fell open with surprise, and his eyes widened. Taking advantage of the temporary silence, Squall continued, ready to rid himself of this bumbling idiot named Laguna Loire.

"I do not want to speak with you, Mr. Loire. I never did, and I never will. I don't have a father, not anymore. If you knew about me, then why didn't you come and find me? Why did you leave me all alone to become a soldier and train myself to die? And why do you question how I became so angry and so acrid when you are the one who made me this way?" He huffed and turned away, breathing hard from his rare emotional burst. He could feel the dismal tears beginning to rise painfully in his eyes that were glowing strongly with animosity. He was filled with hate for this stranger who called himself Squall's father.

The air around the three men was silent still. Laguna was crying, and Cid was frozen in place, staring with utter amazement at the emotional wreck that was Squall Leonhart. He wanted to slap the boy to his senses, but now a better plan was forming in his head as he watched the dejected Laguna give one last tear filled glance toward his frigid son before he walked away, down the elevator, and away from here, anywhere but here. Cid was certain the man would never return without some serious reason, and he resented Squall extremely for that.

Like Laguna, Squall was also, in a way, crying. On the inside. Putting a hand on his forehead, he faked a headache and left the room, not bothering to look back at Cid. He could see the Headmaster's expression even when he wasn't actually seeing it. He knew he had hurt both men, but really, he didn't care, at least not right now he didn't.

Silently he returned to his dorm room, shut the window that was blowing a calm breeze through the small room, closed the curtains tightly, locked the dorm door, and lay down on his bed. Unwanted tears suddenly began to stream uncontrollably down his face, and he did not bother to wipe them away.

He heard a soft knock on his door after what felt like hours had gone by, and he knew it was Rinoa, here to bawl him out for fighting with his 'father.' Like he should listen to her. Her fight with her own father was still ongoing, and almost three times he had to get between them to stop Rinoa from smashing her petite fist into the side of her father's head. At least Squall had the common sense to merely emotionally ruin his father instead of physically. There were lawsuits for damaging the form of a non-hostile party in the northern half of the world, after all.

He tried to wait for the knocks to go away, but they never did. She knocked straight for a half an hour. Squall was good at ignoring people usually, but tuning out the knocks of his lover was harder than he thought. Sighing, he climbed up from the bed, wiping away his tears as he walked to the door. Sniffling a bit, he opened it and braced his body for a blow.

He was right. As soon as the door opened, a punch from off to the side struck him square in the chest. However, he didn't even make so much as a peep. He was expecting this blow, and his chest was one of the most muscular parts of his body anyway.

"How dare you!" Again, he was expecting this. Rinoa shoved him quite forcefully into the room onto the bed, closing the door behind her. Her black eyes were glinting with a dourness that even Squall had not seen before.

"How dare you turn him away! He's your father, goddamn it!" She snarled, baring her teeth. Yet Squall still did not back away. He simply gazed emotionlessly into her eyes, not doing anything, not feeling anything. His eyes gazed off to parts unknown but to him.

"Are you listening to me?" She grabbed his white t-shirt, and held it up, expecting him to react. Still he didn't, but now that she was this close to his face she could see the tearstains on his cheeks and the bloodshot of his eyes. Instantly her face softened. She knew by these tears-even if she hadn't actually seen him crying-that he had indeed been crying, and that meant he at least felt a little regret. She hoped he did, anyway.

"Squall? Please talk to me…" Her voice was not violent in nature at all; in fact she sounded much like a kindergarden teacher. Instead of replying, a small, lone tear streaked down from his right eye. Rinoa hugged him tightly. Another time, she thought. Another time I will talk to him about this. I think he gets it right now.

The next morning, Squall sat idly at the table, his breakfast sprawled in front of him. He was poking the pancakes with a fork, but it didn't look like he had touched them at all. It didn't look like he had touched anything.

Rinoa came walking up to him, a tray in her hands. Ever since last night when she had yelled at him, it had been reported to her that he hadn't said a single word. In Quistis' class, when she'd called on him to answer a question she knew he knew the answer to, he had only shrugged and looked down at his desk. A few soldiers in the hallway asked Squall a few military questions, and he had merely waved them off without a word.

"Squall…" She tried to get his attention in the most meek way possible. He didn't even look up at her. Again, she tried. "Please say something…"

Still nothing. Sighing, she sat down at the table next to him. Finally, he looked up at her. His eyes were not bloodshot anymore, but he looked tired, for there were dark circles around his beautiful eyes. And his eyes… looked like they were filled with pain. It made Rinoa's heart stop for a moment. She had never seen him like this… so distraught and so depressed. She felt even more negative when she realized that it was probably her who caused this extreme-hopefully momentary-change in her boyfriend. Were they even still dating…?

"Squall-" When she tried to get his attention again, he cut her off with a quick word.

"What?" His eyes were narrowed, she could tell, but he still wasn't looking at her.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For… yelling at you last night. I had no right-"

"You only did what you felt."

Neither said anything. Squall returned to poking at his pancakes and Rinoa watched him for a while until Quistis came up to their table. Squall still didn't look up, but Rinoa could see that his eyes were on her shadow.

"Is everything all right here?" The blonde asked. Without a word, Squall, in a sudden movement, grabbed his tray, got up, and stormed past Quistis.

"What's his problem?" She asked, astonished. A tear snaked from my eye, and I followed my brunette haired lover, leaving Quistis probably worried for the sanities of the both of us.

Author's Notes: Okay, hi everyone! It's been quite a while since I posted! I have been extremely busy with my fictionpress account and other things… like people.

This should be a double chaptered story! Originally, it was supposed to be a one-shot, but since I haven't even started on the actual songfic part of the story, I figured I'd just make this into a double chaptered thing.

As for possibly upcoming updates, I am working still on a second chapter of Transient Darkness, the second chapter of this, and my Birdcage songfic. Pretty much everything else for fanfiction is on hold, sorry! I think my focus for a long while will be on my fictionpress account.

Anyway, so I will try my best to get you guys a new chapter! I think my writing is getting better and better with each thing I post, so… there is no way I could drop this.

Alright, so I will see you all during the next update I hope!