DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but the plot. I don't own any giant spiders, either.

WARNING: This is a parody. If your favorite character seems out of character, pay it no mind. I have nothing against any particular character except Mystra and Kelemvor, whom I loathe with a passion. If it seems like I'm making Mystra and Kelemvor particularly stupid, that's because I am. I apologize in advance for this awful piece of Mystra-bashing. Also, this is before Bane returns. Just in case anyone misses the Black Lord.

Yule With the Gods

Chapter 1: Mystra's Idea

Mystra, goddess of magic, guardian of the weave, was very bored. It was three weeks until Yule, and she was missing the wondrous celebrations from when she happened to be a mortal named Midnight. It was during one of these thoughts that her dead patriarch, Adon, came to mind. With Adon's help, Mystra just might be able to arrange for a Yule celebration

The goddess leapt up and shouted for Adon in such a fervor of excitement that it caused all the spellcasters of Faerun to misfire spells.

-Somewhere in Shadowdale-

Elminster of Shadowdale was casting a particularly complex spell when Mystra let out her gasp of excitement. His misfired spell caused him to explode and end up back in the Abyss. The sage let out a string of curses and was instantly eaten by a giant spider. Oh well!

-Back in Dweomerheart-

Adon, though dead, was still considered a favorite of his goddess. The fool was lavished with all of the gifts of the goddess (such as an endless supply of Furbies) but he still wasn't happy. In some dark, twisted (or just stupid) part of himself he wanted to be alive again. Perhaps it was this idiocy that brought him scrambling to his goddess like a faithful dog. Maybe she'll return me to life again! Or bestow upon me even more Furbies! Adon thought excitedly.

Scrambling through the corridors of Dweomerheart, Adon tripped twice and would have broken his neck and died but he was already dead so that was irrelevant. Finally, he found the goddess of Magic's throne room. Prostrating himself before the goddess, Adon foolishly said a few prayers and praised Sune. Yes, Sune. Apparently, Mr. Idiot still hasn't let go of the past. Tsk, tsk.

Mystra smiled her happy, loving smile for Adon and reached out to pat him on the head like a puppy. "Adon! My dead friend...er...DEAR friend. I've just had to most wonderful idea. I was thinking that I should arrange a holiday party for the Circle of Twelve. That is, the greater powers. What do you think of this?"

Adon was completely stumped, but that was nothing new to him. He had been stumped his entire life. The foolish boy just grinned stupidly at his goddess/friend.

Mystra smacked her forehead in frustration. She had just realized that summoning Adon was a very bad idea. Adon was an idiot. She should have summoned her most powerful Chosen, the sage of Shadowdale. Speaking of Elminster...where was he? Mystra no longer felt his presence near her. Stupefied, the Lady of Magic sent out an avatar to look for the wizard.

Meanwhile, she sent Adon back to his special place, which looked very much like a kindergarten class room. Adon immediately returned to playing with his Furby, which was black with small tufts of white fur. The dead man tickled the Furby's belly. "Ka-way-loh-koko!" The furby shouted something in gibberish. Mystra's dead friend was overjoyed at how much Drizzt (his furby) loved him.

-Somwhere in Icewind Dale-

Drizzt Do'Urden let out a great sneeze and fell out of his chair. For a moment, the dark elf had a strange desire to vandalize Mystra's temples. NO ONE BAD-MOUTHS DRIZZT DO'URDEN AND LIVES! The drow sneezed again and was instantly eaten by a giant spider. Oh well!

-Back in Dweomerheart-

Mystra, having rid herself of Adon, was now returning to her first idea. She would simply throw a party like she had known in her youth. She would do it like she had then, too. She would simply have to invite every one in person.

Dead mortals were no help at all. Especially ones with an IQ similar to that of a banana peel. At the thought of people with a banana-level IQ, Mystra couldn't help but think of Kelemvor. Lord Death would be the first one she would invite! The goddess leapt up from her magical throne of magic and sent an avatar to the Crystal Spire.

Materializing in Kelemvor's throne room, Lady Magic looked around for the God of Death. She frowned in dismay when she realized that Kelemvor wasn't there. A floating black cloak with a pair of white gloves, however, was. She recognized the thing as Jergal, seneschal for the dead.

"Where is Kelemvor? I have something that I would like to share with him!" Mystra shouted at the poor Jergal-thing.

Jergal flinched in shame. How could he POSSIBLY tell this wondrous creature that his lord was taking a dump? He had failed his duty as aid to the God of Death! He wasn't able to help Mystra! Oh, the HORROR! The SHAME! Shamed beyond measure, Jergal exiled himself to horrible wastelands of the Abyss. The lord of fatalism was instantly eaten by a giant spider. Oh well!

The goddess of Magic was now very pissed off. EVERYONE she talked to was getting eaten by giant spiders! Wait, she didn't talk to Elminster or Drizzt! In fact, Jergal was the only one she talked to that was eaten by a giant spider. Oh well. Stupid continuity.

Kelemvor, having just finished answering the call of nature, came instantly. Even gods can't escape the horror of having to use the bathroom! When he saw Mystra standing in his judgment room, Kelemvor almost decided to return to the Throne of the Dead (his name for his toilet) but decided against it. Maybe she actually had something important to tell him. Like that was possible!

At seeing her former lover, Mystra smiled warmly.

"Kelemvor, I am having a holiday party for the Greater Powers. It will take place in the Pavilion of Cynosure on Yule's Eve. I would be delighted if you could come!" The goddess told Kelemvor.

Kelemvor eyed her suspiciously. "Why? Why do you want to have party? We're gods. We don't need to celebrate those inane mortal holidays anymore. And why didn't you just cast a spell to send out invitations to everyone?"

Mystra balked at her own stupidity. She could have just sent out enchanted invitations! Oh well! She can do that now! Leave it to Kelemvor to correct her stupidity. Even thought he wasn't much smarter, actually.

"Right! I want to have a party because Yule is the time when people come together. I was...kind of hoping that this party would help to bring all the gods together for Yule. Mortals are always happy and loving during this time of year. Maybe, if given the chance, the gods could see this too." Mystra explained to Kelemvor. This explanation was actually a lie, because she really was just bored. Oh well!

Kelemvor rolled his eyes and waved his hand, sending Mystra back to Dweomerheart. The God of Death grimaced in irritation and returned to the Throne of the Dead to finish his business.

Mystra, now excited at the prospect of a holiday party coming to fruition, began to immediately write out the invitations to her fellow Greater Powers.

End of Chapter 1

Ack. That was awful, wasn't it? I told you, lots of character bashing. I really don't hate anyone but Mystra and Kelemvor, and I love Drizzt, but it just seemed amusing at the time. Please review. Good reviews or flames, I don't care. Reviews are good. Next chapter will be the invitations.

Reviews, please!