Chapter Six: That She Would be Good

Kagome shut the tiny door to the well house behind her and looked out on the shrine patio. The God tree's limbs blew in the light breeze and black birds sat on the side walk searching for scraps of food in the empty wrappers that littered the gutters. Her world had cracked and turned upside down yet nothing had changed. The sun still shone, cars in the street still honked at one another and the mailman was at her box delivering a fresh stack of bills.

She trudged up the steps to the house. Why was this even a decision? She already knew she could never go with him. Her life was no longer her own. It belonged to her family. Maybe after her girls were grown, there was a chance but by then she'd be old and he wouldn't want a wrinkled, old woman in a short skirt following him around.

But there was a decision to be made and it had nothing to do with the well. The kiss they'd shared spoke volumes about the pent up longings she'd pushed down or dismissed for the past thirteen years.

Kagome's mind filled with the smoky images of nude figures rolling across the cool sheets of her bed. Her skin sang under his fingers, lips and tongue. But when she opened her eyes at the crucial moment of liquid fulfillment his golden eyes faded to brown and the long silver locks bled into short red waves.

This confusion was unnatural but it was how all her fantasies ended. She'd always chalked it up to the guilt of having someone in her head besides her husband but now she wasn't so sure. Kagome didn't know what it meant, if anything at all. What she did know is the thought of using him even just this once to find solace and release was enticing. It would be so easy to slip off her one carat solitaire with matching gold band just for one night, but the 'what if' factor was too much.

What if she did it and Grandmother Hojo unexpectedly brought the girls home? Inuyasha in his normal form was hard enough to explain but half or utterly naked, would require an even bigger explanation using words Kagome wasn't sure she was even capable of forming. The biggest mistake would be giving in to her baser desires only to discover Hojo was innocent of all the silent accusations she'd been throwing at his empty chair. Was it poetic justice that Taro had shredded Hojo's favorite chair or dark irony?

Kagome opened her front door, crossed the kitchen into her living room. She was visually assaulted by the sheer amount of damage Taro had caused. It was a good thing Inuyasha was coming back. There was so much more work left for him to do.

Kagome found a photo album lying open on the floor. She picked it up and was relieved to find it intact. She sat on her sofa, pulled her legs up under her body and sat the heavy book across her lap. She opened the thick cover and was confronted by her parents' wedding photo.

Her mother stood in a simple white kimono with a lighter version of Shinto wedding white face paint, her long black hair was twisted up in an impossible style. Her lips pulled back in a huge smile, if there was any doubt in Ayumi's mind it didn't show in her eyes. Her father stood beside Ayumi, younger than Kagome was now. It was strange seeing him as a young man instead of the tall figure who kissed her goodbye every weekday morning the first seven years of her life. He was watching Ayumi with an expression that read, 'how did I manage this? Is she really marrying me?'

Kagome turned the page and was confronted with a picture of her first day of school. She stood by the shrine steps and Grandpa held her hand before walking her to class.

A few pages later and she was looking in a scene from Souta's eleventh birthday party. Poor Souta invited a girl who hadn't come. Instead he and a friend sat at the table while he blew out his candles. The viewer finder of the camera caught the boys and the action in the room behind them. Kagome squinted and realized the blurry figures in the living room; the very same room she was in now, was herself and Inuyasha.

He was wearing Souta's red baseball cap and his hair streamed behind him as he fled from her. Kagome's outreached hand was forever frozen in time. He was turned and looking at her over his shoulder, his mouth open in mocking laughter. They were fighting about something small and now she couldn't recall what. The situation had escalated from fighting to some impromptu game of tag.

Kagome turned the page and saw the eighteen year old version of herself with Hojo at a formal school dance. He was so skinny his suit didn't fit quite right. Kagome's hair was beyond scary and her dress dated. She made a mental note to hide the album before Ayumi found it and had flyers made. Hojo held her hand and smiled at the camera. She remembered what he'd said just before the flash.

"It doesn't matter how horrible or cheesy this stupid dance is. You finally let me catch you."

Kagome made a face then plastered on the expected smile for the camera. "What the heck do you mean I let you catch me?"

He took her arm. "You were everything I'd ever wanted. Elusive, mysterious and no other girl in school can hold a candle to the way you turn everything into your own private joke."

Kagome frowned, she wasn't certain these qualities were complimentary. "Hojo…?" Then the camera man asked if they were ready so she smiled brightly.

He grinned that perfect way that people who spent years in braces do. "I've always wanted to be on the inside of your secret world."

FLASH!

And now the moment was forever preserved, Kagome's expression was muddled from Hojo's words and the brilliant flash.

Kagome flipped the page and saw a photo her mom had snapped of them sitting under the God tree. They were seniors in college. Hojo's hair was long and his tiny round glasses added a kick to his hip, non-conformist persona. She remembered those glasses, the ones she'd asked him to leave on during sex.

Her hair was long in the front and short in the back, run through with magenta highlights. She'd paid her art major roommate to do it. She lay back on the grass in her jeans. Her tiny pink shirt rode up exposing the white skin of her belly and a temporary tattoo she'd applied the day before.

Hojo leaned over her giving her a fast kiss. His long red hair brushed her shoulders. They'd just announced their engagement and Ayumi had asked for a picture. Her eyes were closed and she remembered the burn of his unshaven cheek against hers.

The next pages were all wedding photos. Kagome's hair was down to her shoulders and Hojo's was cut short above his ears. She'd cried the day he'd cut his hair. She'd braided it before the cut and kept the braid tied in a ribbon. She still had it somewhere in her dresser. But the short hair cut was necessary for job interviews.

In each continuing picture they were just a bit older and farther apart. However the picture at Ayumi's birth was another story. Hojo was slightly green but proud. Kagome was; well honestly she still didn't want to think about how bad she looked. A woman was allowed some false dignity after all.

Kagome already knew the girls' pictures by heart and each toothless smile brought another stab of guilt for a deed she'd yet to even commit. She slammed the photo album shut and slid it in the drawer under her coffee table. She lay back and crossed her arms over her chest contemplating her supposed crime.

Hojo had a point. He'd never know and hell would freeze over before she'd tell him but he was right. Kagome lived in a dream world that she shut everyone else out of. How unfair was it that her dreams chased her just when she'd finally washed her hands of them? In the last temptation of Christ, had the devil pursued him so?

Kagome shook her head, she wasn't entirely sure as she wasn't Christian. She was the shrine maiden. Or matron as it was, a married woman, respectable mother and member of the community. Not the woman who was involved in a hit and run collusion with an innocent mailbox. Not a woman who drank herself half to death than fell down an old well, broke her ankle than had to wait for the fire department to rescue her.

She made ginger cookies for the girls to take to school. She ironed Hojo's shirts…okay that was a lie but she did drop them off at the cleaners. That should count for something…right? She kept the books and made sure the bills were paid. She was there for him twice a week or when ever the mood struck. This was not a woman who took a hanyou lover.

Kagome smiled at this absurd notion. What divorce court judge would believe that one, a half yokai lover? She smirked.

There was no justification for her intentions. Even if Hojo were unfaithful was she no better than him? Did it really matter when she'd already committed the crime a hundred times in her mind?

But then when was the last time she'd harbored those thoughts? Truthfully it had been years. So maybe her guilt was lighter than she let on.

When was the last time she'd done anything for herself? A new pair of shoes, an outfit or a hair cut even? But sex was much more than the bending of a credit card. Once again she realized the pointlessness of the situation. Even if she agreed to have Inuyasha it wouldn't be enough for him. He wanted her to go back with him and raise that changeling he was passing off as a child. Kagome's fingertips ran down the curve of her belly.

InuTaro.

She could've easily given him a son. But not now, she'd had her tubes tied after Miya. They had two children so it seemed ridiculous not to do it. Kagome wondered if Inuyasha got his way what his reaction would be to the news that now his Kagome was almost as barren as Kikyo. Well not quite but she had no plans of reversing the operation so she might as well be.

Kagome's temples throbbed at the thought of another child especially that one, Taro. Surly she hadn't done anything in a past life bad enough to deserve him.

The kitchen door opened and Kagome was reminded she'd forgotten to close it, a bad habit for a woman who lived in Tokyo.

She heard the click as it shut and the popping of a lock. All these years and he's finally learned how to shut a door behind himself. Mom would have been so proud.

Kagome waited on the couch half drunk in her own thoughts. She turned her head towards the window and saw it was past sunset. He was good to his word. But then he'd always come for her as promised. It was only that last time that he let her down.

Inuyasha stood in the doorway. His hair was wet and hung down his shoulders in long silver ropes. Apparently it was raining and she'd missed it. "Kagome?"

She raised her eyes to his.

He rubbed his hands on the sleeves of his kimono, uncertain what to say next. Kagome sat up and saw his face twisted with confusion.

She decided to break the ice and go first. "Inuyasha, I've loved you ever since the moment I saw you and I'll love you to the day I die. There's nothing that will ever change that. Three years after you left me, you were still the only reason I had to get up every morning."

Inuyasha's golden eyes widened. "Kagome…"

"Wait." She lifted her hand. "I've grown up and my girls are the reason I get up now. Whatever we'll have it will be here and now. There is no future for us. I cannot go back with you."

He glanced at the floor. She watched the rise and fall of his chest and realized she could deny him nothing. Inuyasha took an tentative step towards her and the sound of his barefoot echoed in the room. Time was slowing to the consistency of honey.

Kagome stood and faced the man who was her mythic first love. Her biggest fear was now the experience would fall short of her expectations but the beat of her heart against her ribcage told her otherwise. She opened her arms and felt a bit like the famous armless statue of Venus.

Inuyasha stopped in mid step when he realized the terms she just laid down. He protested, "I don't know…what if after this I want more?"

Kagome said simply, "I love you but I can't do this anymore. This is all I have to give. Either you want it or you don't."