Nine: I'm Too Confused

I just don't know what to do? How can I let myself get stuck in these situations? My heart is breaking and healing at the same time. I've never felt this before and I'm scared. I can face any foe without a second thought. I have others tremble before me when I am angry. But what do you do when you're against yourself?

I used to be strong. I was always strong, until I met you. These feelings aren't like all the books that I've read. This isn't love, I don't think, because love makes you feel like you are the world. So why, if it's love, do I want to crawl in a hole and never expose myself again? If I'm in love, then why aren't I happy? And if I'm in love, who is it for?
-Pan Son

Pan brushed her hair back and tried to fit herself in one of the jeans. She sat in front of her vanity to see if there was anything she could do for her hair. Maybe she should get it cut. It was already past her shoulders and down her mid back. Just below her shoulder blades would be nice. She brushed her hair back and pulled it into a high pony tail.

"Bra are you ready?" she called down the stairs.

"I've been ready. Hurry up, Pan, you're taking longer than me," Bra called back up to her.

Pan got her wallet and stuffed it in her back pocket. She had a purse, but she only brought those on her "special occasions." She jumped down the stairs and landed in front of Bra who was use to this and didn't flinch. They left out the door together and climbed into Bra's sky car.

"We're meeting them at Shuichi's Buffet. I think Marron picked up Claire earlier so they might already be there," Bra said as she put on her sunglasses. Pan swayed her hand outside the wind in motion of the wind. Her promise ring gleamed in the sun and Pan sighed.

"You okay?" Bra asked taking a glimpse at her.

"Yeah, I'm just tired. And I've been having these stomach aches."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault. Stop saying sorry, it gets on my nerves when there's nothing to be sorry about."

"You do the same thing."

Pan blinked. She did do that and very much too. "Okay, we both need to stop doing that."

A song came on the radio and Bra turned the volume up. "It's our song, Panny!" Pan and Bra began dancing and singing to the words.

"Take me down to paradise city Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Oh, won't you please take me home!"

They both laughed as they pulled into the parking lot. "Who sings that?" Pan asked.

"C'mon, you just got back from America." Pan shook her head saying she didn't know. Bra sighed and smiled at her. "It's Guns and Roses, I mean, they were one of the biggest hits in America."

"Yeah, like in the eighties. Now the only thing they listen to is rap." They climbed out and walked up to the hostess. "Hi, we're waiting on some friends. First name Marron."

"Oh yes, right this way." They followed her towards the back where Clarrissa and Marron were talking.

When Pan and Bra walked up they turned their heads for them and moved over for some room. Pan sat next to Marron and Bra sat next to Clarrissa. They ordered almost everything on the menu and Clarrissa had her small salad, no dressing "because it's fattening."

"So how has working for my brother been going?" Bra asked as she twirled her fork in her spaghetti.

"Real nice, actually. It's like we're kids cleaning out his garage. Not a lot of people at the office like me though. I think it's because I call him Trunks and not 'Mr. Briefs' or 'Mr. President.' But he'll only be Trunks to me, and it doesn't bother him." Pan took a bite out of her chicken.

Clarrissa looked up from her cherry tomato, "What was the reason you began working for him?"

"'Cause I needed a job." Pan said simply. She knew Clarrissa was trying to get to her, but like Pan promised, she wasn't going to get mad.

"But you have a book out so why do you still have to work?"

Bra and Marron both stopped eating to watch this. They both had nervous faces that said something bad was going to happen, but Pan acted cool.

"I need more money. Sometimes my books won't publish and I want to make sure that I can stabilize myself financially." She didn't look at her, but at her plate as she cut up her chicken.

Clarrissa chewed her tomato, "What are you planning on doing with so much money?"

And thus, sarcastic smartass Pan comes out. "Well, I was thinking of buying a golden toilet, but then I thought I needed a house to go with it so I'm going towards that. Preferably the country, I'm not a big city fan."

Bra cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. "Well that was a good meal," she said. Nobody was finished yet, but she tried to change the subject which Clarrissa wouldn't allow.

"You know Trunks goes to work earlier than usual and comes home late." She gave Pan a look and Pan gave it right back.

"Well, we've been busy with taxes and inventory."

"Yeah, I bet you're busy."

"Do you want to get something off your chest? 'Cause you're starting tick me off."

"Why don't you get Trunks off your chest? You're the reason why he leaves early."

Pan stood up and everyone in the restaurant looked towards them. "So you still think there's something going on between Trunks and I? Why would I be with Trunks when I have a perfectly good man at home!"

Clarrissa also stood up. "He probably thinks that you're cheating on him with Trunks, too, you whore!" She got up from the table and walked out of the restaurant.

"Oh I'm the whore!" Pan chased after her and Marron and Bra chased after Pan after they paid the tab.

Pan caught up with Clarrissa and grabbed her arm and jerked her to face her, but not to hurt her. "Listen missy! I don't know why you're jealous, but I'm real sick of your fucking attitude towards me."

"Pan please," begged Bra.

"No!" Pan yelled at her. "I want to know why she thinks she can have it all! Why she thinks we're all just gonna lay down so she can walk over us! Well I ain't doing that! Got it! I'm not some servant you can push around."

Clarrissa wrenched her arm out of Pan's grasp. "I know what you guys do, you can't fool me."

"We're not trying to fool you! Why would Trunks want me when he's got you!"

"I know you used to have a crush on him!"

Pan threw her arms up and Bra was about to jump on her, but she wasn't doing it in an attack, just in frustration. "Big deal! I'll admit! Back in high school I was ga ga over him, but so was every other girl in the world! And also, I got over it! Bra had a crush on Goten, she got over it! Uub had a crush on Marron, he got over it! Everybody gets crushes! It's no big deal, we get over them!"

"Just stay away from my man, you cunt!"

That time Bra had to jump on Pan, but she was too late. Pan slapped her hard across the face. It wasn't a regular slap, it was a Saiyan slap.

Clarrissa fell to the ground screaming as she curled up on her knees and spit out a bloody tooth. "You fucking bitch! Look what you did to my face!" Clarrissa yelled. Pan was fuming red and she pulled her hand back with her fist clenched.

"Pan no!" Marron and Bra both grabbed Pan's fist and tried to hold her back, but Pan was much stronger than them and they had to use all they could to hold her back.

"Let me at her! She doesn't deserve Trunks! He doesn't need a gold digging slut for a girlfriend!" Pan fought against them.

"Pan stop it!" Marron yelled as she grabbed Pan by the middle.

Pan pushed them both off her and lunged at Clarrissa, but she was tackled down. Goten held her head down to the asphalt by her hair and pinned her hands back as he sat on her. She was no match to Goten, but she still tried to buck him off. She didn't even know where he came from.

"Pan! Get a hold of yourself!" He looked up at the girls, "You two take Claire while I calm Pan down."

This time Pan didn't move, she decided to give up. It wasn't doing her any good. Bra nodded and Marron helped her take Clarrissa into the car and they drove off. Goten got off Pan and heaved her up, and then gave her a good slap across the face. "What the hell has gotten into you!"

Pan's hair covered her eyes and she began shaking. "I don't know…" she mumbled.

"Pan, you can't go around hitting people! Especially not Clarrissa! She's Trunks' girlfriend!" Goten grabbed her shoulders and shook her, as if trying to shake some sense into her.

Her hair parted and she looked up at him. Her eyes were watering and she was crying. "I don't know, Goten," she whispered, "I don't know what's gotten into me." She began breathing hard, scared for what she was doing. She shook her head violently and blasted off so hard, that she knocked him back.

"Pan!" Goten shouted after her. He flew into the sky too, but she did Goku's instant transmission and was gone. He couldn't even locate her ki. "Pan…"

Trunks rocked back and forth in his chair. He was at home now and sat right in the middle of the living room with all it's furniture pushed back and that one wooden chair he was sitting on was in the middle with the light shining directly on it. It looked like an interrogation room, and that's what Trunks wanted.

A magazine was open on the table in front of him. It as opened to a certain page of a female. Trunks had found it. It was the penthouse with Clarrissa in it, and he was pissed.

The door opened and Clarrissa saw Trunks glaring at her. She covered her mouth with a bloody napkin and looked around the room seeing that the only furniture was that wooden chair and the coffee table.

"What's going on?" she asked. Her front tooth was missing where Pan had struck her.

"Why don't you tell me?" Trunks hissed. There was murder in his eyes and Clarrissa gulped down some saliva and her eyes traced down to the picture of herself.

" Trunks, it's not what it. . . "

"The hell it ain't!" He stood up from the chair and walked over to her. She backed away now shaking with fear. "I have known you for two years! I gave you everything you could want! You wanted to date me, I said fine! I bent over backwards for you, just to make you happy!" He threw his arms up and Clarrissa flinched every time he did. "And that's how you repay me!"

"Trunks I had to! I had no choice!" she pleaded as she started to cry.

"Don't give me that bullshit! What, did they put a gun to your head and said 'pose naked or we'll kill you!' I just don't get you, Claire! You don't need it for money, I got that part covered!" She backed away from him until she fell in the chair, like he had planned. "I let you model for my sister's works, but I could never watch. Why? Because women who expose themselves for sex isn't right! But you were a model so I let you model for my sister's underwear, nothing bad. But then you had to do this shit! And it ain't just this!"

He moved over to the desk and pulled out a pile of dirty magazines from the drawer and slammed them down on the table. Clarrissa looked up from the pile to him. "I thought you didn't have a subscription," she said in a shaking voice.

Trunks laughed menacingly. "Funny thing is, I don't, but people at my office do. You see, this week we're redoing the offices so they had to cleanout their desks. As I watched, I saw several pull out magazines. Then one pointed one of the pictures out to me." He smiled like a maniac and he sure did look like one. "You would know how surprise I was to find my girlfriend in there, isn't that right Cherry Luscious?"

Clarrissa trembled under her playboy name. "Tr-Trunks, I was going to tell you!"

"When! After we got married! After you stole all of my money and ran off!"

Clarrissa shook her head. "I would never leave you Trunks, you know that." Tears streamed down her face and she put her hands to her face. "Look at me Trunks! Look what Pan did to me!" She lifted her face up and pointed to her mouth to show him the missing tooth.

"And I'm glad she did it! You better be glad it wasn't me or you wouldn't have a jaw! What did you do to make her so angry?" Trunks crossed his arms, and he himself was shaking with anger.

"I didn't do anything!" She cried out. "I love you Trunks! And I will never leave you!"

Trunks shook his head. "You're leaving now. I want you out of my house, out of my hair, and out of my life! I don't want to see you again for as long as I live!"

Clarrissa stood up. "Trunks, you don't mean that!"

"I think I know what I mean and don't mean, Claire!" Trunks fished in his pocket and pulled out a white metal packet and tossed it to her. "I even packed your stuff for you, as the last good deed of being your boyfriend, 'cause now our relationship is over!" He made a motion with his hands and then stood up straight. He walked over to the door and opened it. "Good day, Ms. Taonji."

Clarrissa walked up to him with the capsule packet in her hands. "Please Trunks! I can change!"

"I said good day, Ms. Taonji!" He gave her a final shove out the door and slammed it in her face.

He walked over to the chair and carried it back to the kitchen. He took out a box of capsules and opened them and the living room was back to normal. He took a long relaxing breath as he laid down on the couch and turned on the television, but wasn't paying that most attention to it. The phone rang and he answered. "Briefs."

"Hey Trunks, is Pan there?" It was Goten.

Trunks rubbed his eyebrows, already having a headache. "No she isn't. Did you try Gohan's?"

"I'm at Gohan's. Look, Pan hit Clarrissa and then ran off. She was real upset and I thought she went to see you, 'cause she used to."

Trunks closed his eyes. "Not if I was the problem," he mumbled. "I'll keep my eyes peeled for her."

"Thanks man, Eric and Uub are searching on the road with Marron and Bra. They have to use the car since Eric doesn't know we can fly. Call me if you find her."

"Will do." He hung up and sighed as he leaned back.

Looks like we both have our problems Panny. He didn't have enough energy to look for her, and he had the feeling she didn't want to be found.

Pan sniffed as she dangled her legs over the edge. She was at Dende's tower and it was all night. She was so high up, that even the clouds were blow her and the stars seemed in reach. It was very beautiful how it looked. So high up from the world, like nothing could get you. That's why she was there, to get away from the real world.

"Child, you should go home to your family. They must be worried about you." Pan turned to see Mr. Popo and Dende, but it was Mr. Popo who spoke.

"I just want to stay up here a little longer. A lot has been going on, and I just want to escape." She wiped her eyes so the tears wouldn't fall.

Dende walked up to her and sat next to her with his legs also dangling. "Would it make you feel better if you spent the night?"

Pan looked up at the Namek and smiled. "Would you mind? I'll leave tomorrow."

He smiled and nodded. "I'll get a room ready for you." He got up and left with Mr. Popo.

Pan looked down at the city. It looked so peaceful, but it was only a mask. Really it was a place of tortured hearts and confused thoughts, but up here, you could be free. She wanted to be free, just for one day. No Clarrissa, no Trunks, no nothing. Just peace.

Mr. Popo walked up behind her. "Your room is ready Miss Pan."

Pan stood up and bowed. "Thanks for your generosity, Mr. Popo." She followed him inside the small castle and he led her into one of the rooms. Inside was a queen sized bed with a canopy, a dresser, a vanity, a large window with curtains, and a closet filled with clothes. Pan smiled, feeling like she was being pampered. "Thank you, Mr. Popo, and tell Dende the same." He nodded and left her to herself.

Pan walked over to the closet and pulled out a long flowing pink gown. Even though she didn't quite like pink, the gown was gorgeous and felt very comfortable. She stripped out of her clothes and into the gown. Like she had expected, it felt great. The silk caressed her skin and it felt like she was in water.

She climbed into the bed and climbed in between the sheets. It was the most comfortable bed she had ever been in. The mattress curved to her body and the thick blanket seemed to envelope her in warmth. It didn't take long for this exhausted Pan to fall asleep.

She was in a white room, or was it even a room? She just saw white. She looked down and saw that she was still in her night gown. Did she sleepwalk and wake up? She hoped she wasn't in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.

"There you are Pan, we've been looking for you."

She turned around and saw Trunks walking towards her. He wore khaki pants and a T-shirt with the CC logo on it.

"Trunks, what are you doing in Dende's tower?" She asked facing him.

"Actually this is just a dream," he said smiling.

She nodded her head. "Well that explains it. Why is everything white?"

"Well this is your dream. Would you like a jungle theme?" He snapped his fingers and the white was replaced with tropical flowers, tall trees, thick vines, and loud animal sounds.

"I think I like the white better." said Pan looking around.

Trunks shrugged, "Suit yourself." He snapped again and the blank white appeared. "Well, I got news to tell you. But first I need to explain this to you."

"Explain what? The dream?" she asked looking at him puzzled.

Trunks nodded. "This isn't just a normal dream. I'm having the exact one, but in my view. This is called bond-dreaming. You see Pan, we're bonded."

"When you say bonded, what do you mean?" She asked giving him a confused look.

"You know where I bit you?" Pan nodded. "It didn't fade because I branded you, soooo, you sort've belong to me." He looked at Pan biting his lip, thinking she was going to explode, but she just nodded.

"Continue," she said waving her hand.

Trunks scratched his head. "You ain't mad?"

"Oh I am, I just can't kick your ass in a dream. So, what were you saying?"

Trunks blushed for nothing, "Uh, well, when a Saiyan marks another Saiyan, they are meant to be together. So you technically belong to me since I bit you. And also you can't have kids unless their mine."

Pan nodded her head as she ran her tongue over her bottom teeth. Trunks could see rage in her eyes, but she acted calm."I see. Are you sure you just didn't bite me and not brand me?"

Trunks sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Have you ever had thoughts that weren't yours? Well, they were mine. Ever had unexpected strong emotions? Those were mine too."

Pan took a breath. "So, in other words, we kind of belong together."

Trunks also took a breath. "Yeah I guess. Funny, ain't it?"

"Hilarious," she said sarcastically.

Trunks gulped down some saliva and rubbed the back of his neck, "What I don't understand is why I feel your feelings and have your emotions. I branded you so you should have my conscious, but I shouldn't have yours."

Pan twitched her lip. Because I love you.

Trunks stared at her. "What?" He looked at her like she was a totally different person.

Pan caught his eye, "I didn't say anything."

Trunks walked up to her, but she backed away. "You thought I love you, I heard it."

Pan waved her arms and smiled. "You must be hearing things Trunks, 'cause you know I'm with Eric and you're with Clarrissa." She felt herself sweat drop.

Trunks smiled, "Actually we just broke up."

Pan's sweat drop deepened."Well look at the time!" She looked at an imaginary watch on her wrist, "I should wake up ! It should be morning!"

"Pan wait!" But it was already fading and he woke up on the couch.

He sat up straight and held his head in his hands. Pan loved him. She denied it, but he heard her thoughts. And now, after he heard that, he understood his own feelings. He also loved her. And she belonged to him, so he had to get her.

Tomorrow was Pan's birthday and there was going to be a party for her. That was when he had to get her. He couldn't let her get away. They loved each other. They belonged together.