Eleven: What Love is this Love?
Love, when you first hear it, you think of happiness, warm feelings, hugs, and kisses. No, that's fantasy. That's not love. That's what you see in movies, where two people fall in love with each other and be happily ever after. Whoever came up with that needs to be shot.
You aren't happy, not if you're in love, but the other isn't. I am numb from this pain. All my hopes, for nothing. What has happened? It happened too fast, like it was a slide show on fast forward.
Is this how love is? You feel joy, then pain, then nothing? Everyone is so happy, why can't I be happy? I was once happy, or at least, I thought I was happy. I thought I was happy with her, I didn't feel this when I was with her. Did I make the wrong choice? That's all I do, make bad choices. So I'll just stay out of your way. I'll be with me, and you'll be with him.
-Trunks Briefs.
Trunks laid his head in his hands. He was at the office because he couldn't take the day off; he also didn't want to stay at home and do nothing but think. It had been four days since Eric proposed and Pan accepted. She had turned in her resignation the day before and she had a two week notice, but Trunks let her go early.
The room seemed bigger even though her desk was still in it. It was empty and was now nothing but a hunk of wood and a chair.
Trunks locked his door and laid his head on the desk. Was this depression? He never really experienced it before. It just hit him all of the sudden. He wanted to go into a deep dark corner…and sleep. He felt so exhausted, but he wasn't sure if it was mental or physical; he was just tired. When had Pan caused all this? When had she been such a strong feeling to him?
Trunks was lying on the couch at Capsule Corp tower and was flipping through the channel. Suddenly something heavy fell on his stomach and it was Pan.
"Bored Boxer boy?" she asked. She was fourteen and had on her jeans, red belly shirt, and orange bandana.
Trunks sighed. "Yeah, it's Saturday and there's nothing on the telie." Pan started giggling then flat out laughing. "What's so funny?"
Pan covered her mouth. "Well, who says telie? What, are trying to be English, ol' chap?"
Trunks rolled his eyes, "Ha ha, Pan-chan."
She smiled at him, "Well if you're bored then you can take me out somewhere. There's a new skating rink and seeing as how I don't have a car." She looked at him with pleading eyes.
Trunks put his hands behind his head. "Beg."
Pan crossed her arms. "Like that will happen."
Trunks shrugged. "Alright, whatever." He went back to watching the television. Pan glared at him, then took the remote and changed it to Discovery. "Hey!" Trunks sat up and Pan jumped off him. "I was watching that!"
"You want it? Beg." She teased the remote in front of him. He made a grab for it, but she pulled it back and he began to chase her. "Come on Trunks! Beg for it!" Pan ran around the kitchen table and Trunks jumped over it and trapped her against the refrigerator.
"Not that smart are we?" He grabbed the remote and yanked it, but she yanked too and they began to wrestle for it.
It went on for several minutes before Trunks got it from her. And just to torture her, he began to tickle her sides.
"Tr-Trunks! Ha ha! Stop! S-Stop! Ha Ha!" Pan laughed.
Trunks smirked, "Beg me too." He continued to tickle her.
"St-stop it! Please!" Pan was laughing too hard that her sides hurt.
"Tut tut, Panny, you just shamed your heritage. Not even your human mother begs," Trunks said as he got up and crossed his arms.
Pan also stood up and dusted herself off. "I bet you don't even remember what you were watching." She gave him a smart alik look. Trunks opened his mouth to respond, but then shut it. "Uh huh, thought so." Pan grabbed the remote and ran into the living room. "Not that smart are we?" He ran after her.
"Hand it over Panny!" Trunks chased her around the couch. He was about to jump over, but she ran up the stairs. He grabbed her by her waist and pulled her down. They both lost balance and tumbled down the stairs, fighting for the remote.
"Give it Panny!" Trunks said, wickedly smiling.
Pan was laughing as she twisted her body trying to get Pan off. "Never!" Then they both stopped and looked up to see Bulma with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.
"What are you doing?" She asked them.
"Nothing." They chanted together like suspicious ten year olds who stole candy.
Trunks lifted his head off the desk when he heard the turn and click of a key in the lock. He wasn't sure if he fell asleep, or if he was just daydreaming, maybe both. He looked up to see who had disturbed him and to his surprise, it was Pan.
They stared at each other for quite sometime. Pan had bags under her eyes and they were red and she looked just as tired as Trunks. She had on a T-shirt that was too big with baggy jeans.
"Um, I'm sorry to bug you, but I just wanted to give this back to you." She put the key to his office on his desk.
"Oh, okay. Thanks," Trunks said in a hallow voice.
Pan turned to leave, but stopped and faced him again. "I wanted you to know that I'm leaving."
Trunks looked into her raven eyes and he felt his stomach drop to the floor. "Where?" As if the answer wasn't obvious.
Pan shifted her feet and avoided his gaze, "Back to California. We're going to live with his family."
"When?" Trunks' voice was now hoarse.
"In three days. He apparently planned it all before he even got here." Pan swallowed her saliva and looked up at him. "Will you write?"
Trunks put his hands together and rested his chin on his thumbs. After awhile he nodded. "Why so early though?"
Pan bit her lip and shrugged. "Apparently, he wants to get this over with. Little impatient, don't you think?" She gave a short hallow laugh and then looked back down at her feet. "I- I really missed this place."
Trunks leaned back in his chair. "This place has missed you."
Pan looked up at him, but then shifted her eyes again. She felt so guilty. "Well, I need to head back. I still need to pack." She walked to the door and opened it. Before she walked out, she turned around, "Bye Trunks."
He nodded, "Goodbye Pan."
And then she left. That was it. The final good bye.
Goten was driving back from the grocery store and had his front seat, back seat, and trunk full of food, and that was only the first trip. He pulled through the town and the busy streets. Then he saw his brother walking down the street with his hands in his pockets and looking glum. He had been glum ever since Pan's birthday; you couldn't blame him.
Goten pulled up beside him and opened the passenger side door. "Hey bro, need a lift?"
Gohan smiled and climbed in after he moved the food. "Thanks, where you headed?" he asked as he strapped the seat belt over himself.
"To my house, we can hang there." He pulled back on the road. "Want to tell me what's been bothering you?"
Gohan sighed deeply, "What do you think? It's Pan leaving. Tomorrow." Goten frowned at him.
He wasn't quite sure what to say, but it had to be something. "Gohan, you have to give her up sometime. Pan is a woman."
Gohan sighed deeply and ran his finger over his face, "I know, but it just bugs me that they're having it in America. They don't want us there. Does Pan think I'll try to sabotage the wedding?"
Goten looked at him for a minute and then returned his steering wheel. "I don't think Pan really had a say in it. And I also don't think she thinks you'll ruin the wedding, even if you fainted when he proposed."
"So Eric is the one who's afraid I'll trash it?" Gohan leaned back, "But I said I like him."
Goten ran his tongue over the bottom layer of his teeth. He stopped at a red light. "Maybe it's not you he's afraid of."
They both turned their heads to each other.
Bra was on the phone with no one else, but Pan. Pan had finished packing and her room was now empty. Unfortunately, Bra couldn't leave work and Pan was at the house all alone.
"So, I can't believe you're leaving," Bra said to the phone.
"Yeah... Guess I'm going back to Cali. I just hope I'm making the right decision... What do you think, Bra?"
Bra bit her lip. No, I don't think this is right. Give it time Pan. This isn't what you want. "Do you love him?"
"I-I think so. Yeah. Yes, I love him."
Bra ran her fingers through her cerulean hair strands. "Then, that's it. If you love him, then that's all you need."
There was silence at the other end. Bra was afraid that Pan had hung up, but she finally spoke up. "Looks like this is it. We won't see each other very much, if at all."
"I'll visit you. And I'll even fly you down here. I mean, you still got to see your parents."
"Yeah, thanks." Another long pause. "Hey, I got to go, I have to get some last minute things done."
"Alright. Bye."
"Bye."
Bra hung up the phone. The paper she was looking at for the next ship-out was on her desk, but she didn't want to see those. Her best friend was leaving, for good. She was already missing her because she was becoming so distant.
Bra pulled open her desk drawer and pulled out Pan's novel. She had been reading it a lot more often. If she wouldn't be able to see Pan, she could at least be with her through her writing. She flipped open to the page with her book mark and began to read.
Anny and Kurt walked up to the Medical Examiner's office and allowed themselves through the front door. They were greeted by two guards each having their own metal detector scanners.
"I'm Detective Kurt Travis Begefens and this is my partner Anny Nosp." They both flipped open their badges and the guard nodded. They placed their gun holsters in the bag that the guards collected and put all of their metals in the box and walked through the detector.
One of the guards pointed the way to the autopsy room and they nodded their heads and began to make their way down through the hospital like hallway.
"Are you sure this doctor will tell us more about the body, that even the famous Kurt Travis Begefens can't figure out," Anny said slyly.
Kurt laughed, "Keep talking Anny. She is the best forensic pathologist out there. She can even spot if the victim had a medical condition."
Anny turned her head to him, "You think that this woman might have a mental disorder as the last one?"
"We don't know yet, but it's the only lead we have. At least then we can find more about our rapist and murderer. Maybe we can find out if he even has a partner."
Bra took a sip of her coffee. Pan did come up with the strangest names. Once Pan had to write a story for their Language Arts class and she named the main character Midol because that was the week she first started her period. Always some message behind the real plot. Especially in this one.
Not only did they have a serial rapist and murder on their hands, but Kurt was having trouble at home. He was starting to develop feelings for Anny, and it was getting into his work time. Kurt's wife was having an affair and his kids were against him. Anny was alone. No boyfriend, no kids, just a small apartment.
Bra placed the book mark to keep her place and shut the book. She was very tired. It was already almost midnight. She would work on the ship-out tomorrow. She got her keys and the book and got into her car. The road was slick with rain splashing down, but Bra managed to get to her house safely. She opened the door and put her purse on the table.
"Pan?" Bra stopped and slumped her shoulders.
Pan was at Eric's who was spending the last night at a hotel. She let down her hair and changed into her night clothes and climbed into bed. She turned the television to Lifetime and fell asleep watching Will and Grace.
Pan was flipping through the channels as Eric climbed into bed with her. "Honey, why don't you just go to sleep? We got to get up early tomorrow."
Pan didn't set down the remote, "I can't sleep."
Eric wrapped his arm around her waist. "Then, why don't you turn off the TV?"
Pan frowned, "'Cause there has to be something on."
Eric sighed, "That's not what I was talking about Panny." He snuggled closer to her and kissed her neck.
"Eric stop. I don't want to have to break your arm again." Pan pushed his head back.
Eric laughed, "Oh c'mon, Pan, we're engaged now. When are we going to?"
Pan narrowed her eyes at the television. "When I'm ready and I'm not, so keep Mr. Happy in your pants." She finally set the remote down when she came to the wrestling channel. It might've been fake, but it was good entertainment.
Eric put on the puppy eyes. "C'mon Pan. I've been giving you everything I have. At least let me get something out of it too." He began to kiss her neck again and down to her shoulders. To her collar bone leaving wet marks all over her and her milky skin turning pink.
"Eric, seriously. Stop."
Pan tried to push his shoulders back, but her arms felt limp to him. He began to run his tongue down to the tip of her cleavage and made back and forth motions. Pan felt a moan almost escape, but she held it in. She gripped the sheets and her thumb ran over the ring on her finger.
She turned her head to it and saw the yellow gold diamond engagement ring. On the middle finger, beside that one, was her white gold promise ring. She still wore it.
Pan was eighteen and was packing her stuff to leave. She had been accepted in to college in America and would be leaving in a few days. There was a soft knock on the door.
"Come in," she said as she wrapped the picture frame and capsuled it.
Gohan opened the door, "Hey. You packing?"
Pan sighed, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss this place."
"You'll be back soon, or atleast, that's what I keep telling myself." He sat down on her bed and fished in his pockets. "I got something for you today."
Pan walked over to him and sat beside him. "What is it, Daddy?"
Gohan pulled out a black jewelry box. "This is something I want to give you. It's a promise ring." He showed it to Pan. It was a simple silver band with a small diamond engraved in it. "I think you know what a promise ring is for. Besides, I don't want you to get hurt."
Pan smiled and slipped the ring on her finger. "Thanks Daddy. This is a promise I will definitely keep." She kissed him on the cheek and hugged him.
"And you can't take it off until you're at the altar. And if by chance you do decide to-"
"Dad, I think I can take care of myself. Don't worry, this ring won't come off until I've said my vows." Gohan smiled at his daughter and kissed her forehead.
"I want you to call us at least twice a day."
"Dad." She gave him a look.
"Okay, twice a week." She smiled and hugged him again.
"I will. And I promise that I'll watch myself while I'm in America."
Pan ran her thumb over it again as Eric's tongue had a party on her chest. She vowed she wouldn't give herself up. Not until she was under the vow. And Pan Son never broke a promise.
She finally pushed Eric off her and held him up by his shoulders, "I said no, and I mean it. Do you want me to break your arm again? 'Cause I will and this time it will hurt worse 'cause you're not drunk." She narrowed her eyes to say she meant business.
Eric sighed, "Alright." He got on his side and pulled the covers over him. "I can't wait till the wedding though." he mumbled.
"I heard that," Pan warned him. Eric pretended to be asleep.
Pan looked at him. Was she making a mistake? No, she couldn't be around Trunks. She didn't want Trunks to own her like some pet. But if she got married, would it be because she loved Eric? Or because she wanted to get away from Trunks? If it was because of Trunks, then that wouldn't be fair to Eric.
Pan ran her hand over her scar. What was wrong with her? She should be happy. Was it just a Pan thing? This scar was nothing but skin and tissue. It meant nothing. So why couldn't she let it go? Why was she having these feelings?
She was scared. Scared she was making the wrong decision. Scared about leaving. Scared about everything.
And most of all, scared of life.
If it turned out that she never really was in love with Eric, then would it be too late? How does she know she doesn't love someone? Was she in love with him, or did she just love him? So many kinds of love. It was all confusing.
She loved Trunks; he had been there all her life and was her designated older brother, but was she in love with him? That she couldn't tell.
Back when she and Trunks had that moment between them in her room, she felt so much electricity between them she thought the power would cut out. Her heart jumped at his every smile and it broke every time she saw him with someone else. So did she love him? Or was she in love with him? Was it love for friends? Or happily ever after love?
She also loved Eric. He was a great man, who worshipped the ground she walked on and treated her like a queen. The kind that her friends wanted to have. He was romantic and gentle. She would blush and her heart would swell at his tender words to her, and he was the only one to ever try to romance her.
So again, was she in love? Or was it just love? She didn't feel those things of passion and electricity when they kissed like what happened between her and Trunks. But then again, Trunks probably felt nothing.Yet, she felt that he wanted her. That he needed her. She chose to ignore it.
He told her that she could feel his emotions because she was bonded. So forever, in some way, she would always be thinking of Trunks. One way or another. That's how it would be. Years from now, Trunks would be jabbing her in the back of her head when she was trying to keep a good marriage or raise some kids. She would feel guilty all the time, because of it. Eric was a good man, but her thoughts would always be on another.Even now, with him sleeping beside her, who was she thinking of? Not him. Is this how it would be from now on? She would be married to Eric, but secretly fantasizing about Trunks?
She wished she could turn back the hands of time and stop him biting her, but she couldn't. Time was set in stone and was unchangeable. Forever she would be this way. Forever, she would belong to Trunks, one way or another.