Dazed and Dumbfounded 3

AN: Sorry the last chapter wasn't exactly funny but one needs some plot development and background stuff…And please remember this is a comedy. I do tend to do crazy things in lots of my fics.

Satisfied that one troublemaker was securely locked up in the dungeon, Lucius stormed back to his private study. To his horror, Draco was still there with that … that … Mudblood! They were looking dreamy eyed at each other and apparently didn't even know he was there glaring at them. It was down right disgusting! Going past them he retrieved a parchment from his desk. "Draco! Stop staring at that Mudblood!"

Draco turned to look at his father. "Why?"

"Why? What do you mean why?" Lucius screamed angrily. "You're a Pureblood! You have to marry another Pureblood! Have you forgotten everything I taught you?"

"How about we just say she's a Pureblood?" Draco suggested hopefully. "Then everybody will be happy, right? Go make up some fake papers at the Ministry. I mean, you've been counterfeiting everything else…"

"DRACO!" Lucius' eyes darkened angrily and he glared even harder at his son. "You know you're not supposed to talk about that in front of outsiders!"

Draco glanced around his father's study. "I don't see any outsiders. It's just you, me and Hermoine…"

"AAHHHHHHH!" He screamed in rage. "I meant HER!"

"Hermoine's not an outsider. We're engaged, remember?" Draco reminded his father.

"Yes, I won't tell anyone you've been counterfeiting stuff at the Ministry…" Hermoine agreed as she stood next to Draco. "I'm sure it's no big deal. I mean Harry blew up his aunt and didn't get in trouble at all…"

"I'll blow you up!" Lucius threatened, his chest rising and falling quickly. His normally pale face was flushed red from anger and his normally neat hair looked quite wild.

"That's not a very nice to say." Hermoine commented.

Deciding to ignore the Muggle-born for a moment, Lucius shook the piece of parchment in his hand. "Draco! You can't marry her! There's this contract, remember?"

Draco rolled his silver-gray eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't care what some dumb old contract says! I'm not marrying Pansy!"

"The contract says you have to!" Lucius insisted.

"But I can't stand Pansy! She drives me insane!" Draco pointed out as he began to grow upset. "You don't know Pansy like I do! She clings like Devil's Snare! No, she's worst than Devil's snare! And she looks worst than a mountain troll!"

"You don't need to love her to marry her!" Lucius desperately said as he waved the contract in front of his son's face. He still had hopes that this situation could be solved peacefully without cursing anyone. Of course, cursing was good but since Draco was his son… "I married due to a contract!"

"Sure! Mother was the most beautiful girl in the school!" Draco sourly pointed out. "And I'm stuck with a dog!"

Hermoine watched the argument between the two, fascinated, her head swiveling up and back as each one spoke. It was actually quite entertaining, like a Muggle soap opera.

"Besides, I love Hermoine!"

"You're in love?" Lucius moaned. "That's terrible! Malfoys are not supposed to love anyone but themselves!"

"Yeah, but when we're married she will be a Malfoy and then I won't be breaking that rule!"

"And what about this?" Lucius shook the marriage contract yet again in front of his son's face. "How am I supposed to explain this mess to Pansy's parents? They expect you to marry her!"

"That paper doesn't exactly say that I have to marry her. It says a male Malfoy has to marry her!"

"And that's you!" Lucius insisted.

Draco scowled. "Well, if you like Pansy so much than you marry her!"

"I can't!" Lucius screamed angrily. "I'm already married!"

"Can't we find another Malfoy?" Draco asked hopefully.

"There aren't any others and you darn well know that! There's just you and me!"

"Oh." Draco was quite for a moment, his brain clicking as he thought of a way to still marry his sweet Mudblood. "What about Potter? Why don't you make him marry Pansy? Old Scarhead can't get a date no matter what he does. He's hopeless really."

Lucius stared at his son as if Draco were totally insane. "Need I remind you the contract specifies a Malfoy?"

"So? Make him look like one!" Draco blinked. "You counterfeit everything else. Why not counterfeit another Malfoy, too? Besides, Scarhead hates Pansy…"

Lucius looked at his son, a slightly interested expression on his face. "Really?"

"Sure! I go to school with the jerk, don't I?" Draco drawled confidently. "Trust me, I know him. Torture wouldn't bother him and if you kill him, well, you'd be doing him a favor. Yes, he'd be quite happy to die I think. But if you force him to actually become his enemy, well, I think you'd have something there. And he'd loath marrying a Slytherin!"

"Well…" Lucius scanned the contract quickly and saw it did say a male Malfoy and didn't specifically name Draco. "I don't know…"

"Think of it as a challenge." Draco suggested with a grin.

"And I still don't like the idea of you marrying a Mudblood!" Lucius complained, as he looked Hermoine up and down, frowning. What had gotten into his son? "Did those Gryffindors curse you?"

"No, of course not!" Draco rolled his eyes again. The idea of Gryffindors cursing anyone was laughable. Hexing, sure. But curses, nah! "I just like her is all."

"Why do you like her?" Lucius finally asked, aspirated. Couldn't Draco see that marrying a Muggle-born was all wrong?

"Well, she rips pages out of books like I do…"

"What do you mean you rip pages out of books?" Lucius screamed, his face growing red again. "I've been trying to catch the person doing that for years and now you admit you're doing it!"

Draco pulled a thick wad of folded pages from his robe pocket and offered them to his father. "You can have these back I suppose…"

"Give me that!" Lucius tore the pages out of his son's hands angrily. "That's just what I need! Two page rippers! It's a miracle I have a library left!"

"There are other reasons I like her…" Draco continued, unfazed by his father's yelling. "She has these pretty eyes…"

Lucius moaned and slapped his forehead with his free hand. This was utterly terrible! "I don't care about eyes! Who does? Pansy has eyes, too!"

But Draco continued. "She's a lot smarter than I am. And I can always use someone with lots of brains. I bet she can think up some great schemes you know. Why do you think old Scarhead beats You Know Who all the time? It's certainly not because of his powers. Nope! It's because Hermoine figures it all out for him!"

"At least now you're starting to sound like a Malfoy…" Lucius grimily admitted.

"Besides, she loves my good looks. What more can I say?" Draco smiled brilliantly.

"Are you sure there isn't any other reason?" Lucius asked suspiciously as he gazed intently at his son. He secretly suspected the boy was a coward. "She didn't threaten you now did she?"

"Of course not!" Draco laughed.

"Hmmm…." Lucius paused as he considered the matter. "I will need to think about this. It goes against family tradition to marry a Mudblood…"

Placing the contract back onto his desk, Lucius left his study and retraced his steps back to the dungeon. Draco's idea had intrigued him and he decided to try it out to see how his prisoner would react. Within moments he stood before Potter's cell and he glared in at him. "Potter!"

Harry jumped to his feet as the binding spell had worm off some time ago. He glared at the man angrily. "Now what do you want?"

"I have good news!" Lucius sneered as he teased the boy.

"That you have a fatal disease?" Harry remarked dryly. "That is good news…"

"NO! Don't get smart with me, boy!" Lucius stepped closer to the cell and carefully watched Potter's face. He wanted to see the boy's reaction when he was informed. "Draco has told me all about your problem and has kindly offered to help."

"What problem?" Harry asked as a puzzled look formed on his face. "The only problem I have right now is you."

"Your dateless problem, boy!" Lucius laughed. "But don't worry. I'll set you up with Pansy…"

"PANSY!" A look of utter horror appeared on Harry's face. "I don't want to go out with her!"

"Well, you are!" Lucius commanded as his blue-gray eyes scanned Harry from his head to his feet, scowling. "I suppose we might be able to do something with you…"

Harry escaped to the far back wall of the cell. "I'm not going to date that … that … python!"

Lucius shook his fist at Potter. "You're going to marry her!"

"AAAHHHHHHH!" Harry shrieked in terror.

"Stop that awful racket! How am I supposed to figure this mess out with you shrieking? I need to make you look like a Malfoy!"

"I refuse to marry Pansy! I'd rather marry Voldemort!"

"That can be arranged!"

Harry sunk down to the floor of his cell and moaned. The situation was far worst then he had imagined! How could this have happened to him? He picked his head up when he heard Lucius unlocking the cell.

To be continued…

AN: Well, I hope that was funny! So will Lucius be able to make Harry look like a Malfoy? Will he let Draco marry Hermoine?