Okay, this is a really weird style of writing, I know, but it's very joke-y and is supposed to be kind of cute-funny. Enjoy and please review, loves.
I don't get into the HP part in a bit, but the first part is important if you want to get the whole story.
PS- This is NOT meant to be offensive towards the HP kids, the English, Simple plan, or valley girls.
Okay, those last two are okay to embarrass, I hate Simple Plan and valley girls frighten me.
Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of these characters besides Alexa, Jasmyn, Alexa's mum, Alexa's grandmother, and the tour people.
Chapter One - And Then Life Turned Weird
Okay so lyke. My name's Alexa Autumn, aka the frikkin most popular girl at Heracles High. I live in sunny California, Newport to be exact, where the weather is effing fyne, and the guys are muthereffing FYN-ER. Anyways like I said, I'm supa-hawt, I have guh-ore-jus brown eyes and platinum blonde hair. The dream California girl. Okayyy so lyke don't drool ova meeh, kay? Thanksmuch.
I'm not into reading books, or anything "fantasy" like Dungeons and Dragon Ball Z... wait, I think it's just dragons. Okaylyke whatever. The weirdest thing happened to meeh this summer, and lyke I have to write this report on what happened... lyke, over summer. So I'm writing it right now. Whatever.
Anyways. To the super-freaky (like FREAKIER than Michael Jackson, rilly.) part.
This is how it started:
I was talking to my total bee eff eff, that's bff to you slowpokes, Jasmyn, discussing about the total nummy boys we were gonna see at the mall later that night. Fo sho.
Then lyke of course, my super annoying mom knocks on my door and is lyke "ALEXA! I need to talk to you, honey." So I totally have to put Jasmyn on hold, which sucks cause I luuuuuuv talking to her lyke, even though her voice sounds like a pig with a cold.
Anyways, I put the phone down and sit on my bed, glaring at my stupid mommy. I mean she's cool and all but puhlease, interupting my phone con-voes? Nuh, uh!
"Alex," she said, and I cringed cuz lyke, I HATE being called Alex, I mean I'm not a frikkin boy, and she's too frikkin lazy to say "uh" after. "I just talked to your grandmother on the phone."
"Which one?" I asked, curling my hair around my finger in boredom. Ewwwwuh, I think, old people! So gross.
"The on that lives in England. She wants you to come visit her in London."
Oh, even guhrosser, I think. British people with their tea and "blood sausage" and rotting teeth. "Are you fuhriggin seriousssss?" I demand, stamping my foot on the floor. "Ugh. When?"
"Next Friday she wants you to leave," my mommy replied, sighing and giving me that "Don't-take-that-attitude-with-me-missy" look. Parents. Right.
"Ohmigosh!" I yelled rilly rilly angrily. I knew my puppy eyes wouldn't lyke work this time, so I think an angry... crocodile would work better. Kay. "But the Simple Plan concert is next week! My gawwwsh mom!" Okay so like I actually told the truth. Hecka scary I knowwwww. I loved those guys but all the punks at school made fun of me for that. Stupid outcasts. Rilly.
"Hon," my mom started again, and ewwuh, 'hon' is such an old-person nickname. "Your grandma's getting really old. I think it's about time you see her before she... you know, passes on."
"I will not!" I screamed, and like, if I screamed any louder I would have broken my frikkin hi-def TV screen, seriously.
My mom stared at me for a minute, like, effing studying me or something, so I'm like "WTF" in my mind, rilly. "You're going," she says, like all stern-like, and then she leaves and tells me to start packing because I'm gonna be there for lyke, a month and a half. Eww, I had better bring teeth whitener, I thought.
So I took Jassy off hold and told her the whole thing and all she says is "Nummy British boys. Rupert Grint, Tom Felton, freakkkkk yes," before having to hang up and go eat friggin dinner. DITCHER I know! And all I'm thinking is, "Who the hell are those people?" Whatever.
So next Friday comes in lyke two seconds, and the next thing I know I'm on the plane. It stops in NYC and I take another plane to London. Ewwuh, hours in the frikkin air. At least I have the new Usher and Ciara albums on my ipod.
Finally, after several effing hundred plays of "Let It Burn" and "1, 2 Step" we're in NYC and then London, and I leave the plane and see my grandmom with her hands outstretched, just looking for me and lyke.. waiting for me. Can you say stalker? Yes much yes please!
"Ohhh, my little girl," she yells, and all the hotties just look at me and laugh. So I get lyke rilly PO'ed and tell grandma we better get to her apartment soon cause I needed to take a bath.
So the next morning I wake up and my grandmom's not there, so I'm just like, "WTF." Her maid comes to my room and tells me she's at a doctor's appointment, yadayadayada, and tells me I'm going on a tour of London.
And I mean, I SO do not want to look like a tourist cuz like, it's rilly embarrasing kthx.
Everyone else on the tour was effing uglie. Like to the MAX. Like seriously, they were in those little flowered button-up shirts and had cameras around their necks and their socks were pulled up till like 3 inches below their knees. We end up touring the city streets with our "proffesional guide," aka some old lady with half her teeth missing and fake eyebrows.
And then, you know, I get horribly lost. And I can't find the tourpeoples ANYWHERE.
I even ask people on the street, but ugh they are like so frikking gross and are just like "Cheerio chum, I don't seem 'em, but join us for tea and crumpets and the stroke of noon!" It's like "HELLO THERE I'm fucken LOST!" Street people. Rilly.
So I spot this red hair, and I think, "Ohshits! Some geek boy on the tour had red hair." So I follow him. I'm suchhh a genius. He's with some other red-headed people, (two adults who I lyke guess were his tourist-'rents, and a girl with red hair) a kid with black hair and glasses, and a girl with rilly big brown hair and rilly big teeth. I mean, if I knew her I'd give her her Xmas gift and be all like, "Say hello to Mrs. Flat Iron and Mr. Braces."
Anyways so I follow them and they turn to a wall - like effing SOLID, kids, what the hell - like it's a door or something, and know what? It opens and they go through it. Some British hideaway from the war or something? Cool beans. So I follow them, and turns out, it leads to some bar place.. er, tavern, whatevers. And they walk around and say hi to people, and no one even says hi to me, they don't even frikkin notice me. Scarieee. Anyways they lead me (well.. without knowing it cause I kinda hid from them, the kid with the glasses was kinda cute) to this brick wall, and the lady taps on on of the bricks, and BOOM.
It opens up and there's a street inside, like an entrance to a different part of the city, I guess. Something like that.
It looks rilly cool, and there's shops with animals and even brooms, I mean wow, these Brits must be clean people then. So I completely forget about the tour cause I'm so busy looking around, and I lose them again, but whatever - I don't care, this please seems pretty sweet, even if the mayor of this place must be on crack or something.
So I walk into this robes store, and I mean, robes - huh? Who wears robes?
Maybe it's some weird English tradition, I think, so I step inside and look around, and some lady asks if I want measurements, but I say, "Pass," cause I'm clueless, rilly.
So then, the little bells at the door ring and the door opens, and I look to see if it was the tourpeople.
No no no, this person was MUCH better. This guy was dressed in all black, and he had bright blonde-white hair and was rilly tall.
Okay kids, our word for todayis "H-U-N-K."Ohmigosh, I think I am gonna EXPLODE from how completely gorgeous he is! I mean, his body is totally bitchin'! And his eyes were like effing diamonds, I just wanted to take his hand and marry him righttt there, seriously!
"Heyy, that's a very nice.. uh, shirt," I tell him, trying to get a conversation started.
"Thanks," he goes. Ooooh. I am so hawt for his voice, it's so sexy. It's icy but cute. "I haven't seen you before... I go to Hogwarts. Do you?"
Okay, so like what the fuck is Hogwarts?
Whatever, it doesn't matter, I have got to be with this hottie more, so I have to play it cool. "Yeah, yeah, all the time!"
And then he gives me this weird look, and I think "Ohhh shittt, wrong move," but then he shrugs and smiles and asks if I wanted to go get ice cream with him.
"Of course," I say, and I smile at him, and oh - yes, I look in his eyes and I can tell he goes wild for that. All guys do, all guys get hot over my smile.
So we get there and lurk around in the long line for ice cream, and he asks, "So, what house are you in at Hogwarts?"
So I think, Hogwarts must be a recreation center or something like that, and he's asking what building I go to, or something.
I just kind of think about what to say for a bit. Do I make up a name that he won't recognize? Should I make up a number, and it'll turn out there aren't that many houses?
He stares and then he and blinks a few times. "You know... Slytherin, which I'm in, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and ... Gryffindor, but I hate Gryffindors."
Okay, so I can't say Griffin-door (wood carvings.. of birds on doors?) or whatever he just said, or he'll hate me. I can't say Slither-on, (snake handling? ... snakes slithering on people?) because he'll think it's fishy since he won't recognize me... It was down to Huff-el-poof (spanish people? LOL ME !) or Ravenclaw. (bird talon... collecting?)
"Ravenclaw," I say, because well, it's the only one I can say... er, pronounce.
"Ahhh," he says. "Slytherins are best of course... Ravenclaw's second though." He smiled at me. "Ravenclaw girls are smart... smart's sexy."
Awwwwe, what a sweetheart, I think.
But I have no idea what kind of mess I just got myself into, oh mye gawsh.