Ronin

by CSHayden

A prequelcontinuation of "Tengu", Kirin goes from a clanless wanderer to the unlikely suitor of a carefree thrillseeker.

4. Part IV

Ronin

A TGS-based story

by C.S. Hayden

Disclaimer: Gargoyles is the property of Disney and Buena Vista Television. Characters from "Yama's Path" by Kimberly Towle appear by permission. All original characters and plot are the creative property of Christi Smith Hayden.

Part IV

Whether it was a moment of weakness or an unfortunate flaw of character, when Miza and I finally gave into the physical attraction that we had for one another, it began to heal some of the emotional damage that we had both suffered. The bouts of anxiety and self-doubt that had been caused by Ikeike's betrayal began to lessen as I allowed myself to be intimate again. Other Tengu females came to be my lovers as well; I suppose they considered me to be a fascinating new toy and everyone wanted a turn, with the exception of O-tama and a few of the elder females. I gained a new-found respect for Doryo after a rambunctious encounter with Bana; she put me through so many twists and turns that I could hardly walk afterwards. It is no wonder that he's so dour and disagreeable – it's all he has energy for!

During the years that followed, life in the Tengu village continued as it had for generations. My students flourished and began to show promising signs of their potential. Mozu's quick intelligence outshone his small size and his sensitivity made him the perfect healer's apprentice. I altered his lessons to include more science and he spent alternate evenings training with O-tama. Study had tempered Takakura's impulsiveness and, as he was being groomed to one day lead the Tengu, I tried to give him a well-rounded education in social studies, world history, and politics. He picked up languages easily so in addition to English, I taught him Chinese and Russian. Tancho remained as easy-going and amiable as ever; he was a bright student but not an especially studious one. However, hand him a pencil or tools or a ball of clay, and his imagination soared to the sky. It was decided that he should be apprenticed to Goro to learn pottery. Tancho was the first to leave the schoolroom and I was sad to see him go.

As the Three grew to maturity, I instructed them in martial arts. Goro and Makino assisted with this and the older males would gather to watch us. I began to taper off my trysts with the females at this time -- only prudent since their mates might be coming at my head with a weapon. It is a strange thing but very few males ever chided me about my affairs. Indeed, it was seldom ever mentioned even by Goro -- he clearly knew about our relationship but his offhand manner implied that he was not concerned in the least. It puzzled me because if Miza was my mate, I would have resented it deeply. It had been a bitter pill to swallow my pride and allow Ikeike to mate with another male out of necessity; I could not imagine why Goro would let our affair continue unless he was doing so for a reason of his own.

In the village of the Tengu

Summer 2007

The hollow clash of bamboo against bamboo echoed through the hills. Kirin twirled on one foot and swept his bo staff at Tancho's feet. The tall young gargoyle managed to evade the obvious move neatly; Tancho was finally outgrowing the clumsiness of the early grow spurt that made him tower over his rookery brothers and trip over his own feet. He grinned and missed Kirin's tufted tail whipping around his ankle and dumping him in the dirt.

Leaning on his staff, Kirin shook his head as he looked down on his pupil. "You've improved, Tancho," he said pleasantly, "but never stop to pat yourself on the back in the middle of a fight." He held out a hand to help the younger gargoyle up.

"Right you are, sensei," Tancho replied and pulled Kirin down in a rolling body toss.

Kirin let his momentum somersault him back onto his feet and countered with backhanded strike against Tancho's staff. The younger gargoyle parried his attack with a series of basic thrusts and blocks, conserving his strength against his teacher's knowledge and experience. Finally, Kirin was satisfied and nodded to Goro who was refereeing the match.

"Time!" the boar-tusked gargoyle called, holding up his hands. He grinned and thumped Tancho on the back. "You're doing very well, apprentice! I'd call this match a draw, wouldn't you, Kirin-san?"

"He made some mistakes but I can tell you've been sparring with him down at the clayworks." Pushing the sweaty hair out of his face, Kirin glanced over at the group of elders that were watching beyond the practice field. "What do you say, Takamatsu-sama? How is our long-legged crane shaping up?"

"I think once he fills out, Tancho will give you a very good fight indeed!" Takamatsu called out, nodding along with some of the other elders. "He's got your height and arm's reach now."

"True," toad-headed Doryo agreed, "in a few years, the tables will be turned, weapons master, you will see!"

Kirin caught Tancho rolling his eyes and snorted. "He has a point, Tancho," he commented. "You may not have Mozu's speed or Tak's fierceness but you keep your head. A warrior who can keep focused in battle will always win, no matter the outcome."

Tancho bowed succinctly. "Thank you, Master Kirin!" He took Kirin's bo staff from him and padded off to put them away with the other practice weapons. Mozu and Takakura intercepted him and the three young gargoyles enjoyed a moment of brotherly camaraderie. Mozu would always be shorter but his feather crest was now even with Tancho's shoulder. Takakura was slightly taller but his natural assertiveness made him stand out. All three young males were rushing towards adulthood before his very eyes and Kirin found himself missing the trio of mischievous imps that they had once been.

Passing Kirin a water jug, Makino caught him looking. "They have certainly grown, have they not?" the spike-studded male observed. "I had Tancho help me shore up the corner posts on one of the huts the other night and it shocked the life out of me to realize that I had to look up at him!" He chuckled proudly.

"Indeed," Goro said as he handed over a towel, "they will be grown warriors before we know it and we will be the old farts making snide comments in the shadows." His low-voiced quip made Kirin choke on a mouthful of water and Goro pounded him on the back jovially. "See what spending too much time with books will do, brother? Sensei here can hardly stomach a little water."

Makino laughed louder. "Then I suppose sampling the wine I've got ready to come out of the caves would be out of the question, neh? I've got to move my new batch in there to age or it won't be ready to drink for our solstice celebration next winter."

"Please," Kirin said gruffly as he cleared his throat, "you know very well that I can match you drink for drink." He craned his neck, twisting his torso this way and that. "Besides, I could use a little numbness. Not that I'd mention it to him, but Tancho got in some good hard whacks. I'm just lucky that he's pulling his strikes short or he'd do some real damage to me."

Goro nodded. "We will have to make some leather armor next winter. There should be some in storage but it will need to be repaired."

"Making the armor will be good training for them," Kirin agreed. "We can make do with the bamboo padding until then but leather would be better."

"Enough talk of this for one night," Makino said with a jerk of his head. "I'll fetch the sake and meet you at the hot springs."

Breaking up to go their own ways, Kirin went over to collect the basket of practice weapons. Tancho snatched it out of his hands however and promptly dropped it in Takakura's arms. "Oh, no, Master Kirin!" the tall youngster said. "Tonight it's Tak's turn to tidy up the schoolroom!"

Kirin glanced at the long-nosed gargoyle's sour expression. "Lost tonight's bet, did we?"

"It happens." Takakura glanced at Mozu with narrowed eyes. "Your lucky streak won't last forever, featherhead!"

"Maybe it will and maybe it won't," Mozu quipped pertly. "You just thought Tancho would fare better against Master Kirin than you did!"

"So he did," Kirin interceded before the inevitable squabble could start. "You always go for the obvious opening, Tak, the quick kill. Don't be so impatient! You have the wit – you just need the patience." He nudged the younger male and winked in passing.

"Where are you off to, sensei?" Mozu asked with ruffle of his feathered head crest. "Dinner is waiting in the main hall."

"What?" Tancho lifted his nose and sniffed loudly. "Can't you smell that? Someone's cracked open the sake cellar!" He sighed dramatically. "Isn't fighting you to a draw grounds for letting me drink for once?"

"You know the agreement -- until you pass your adult trials, no alcohol for you three!" Kirin snorted. "Besides, it's not like you won't sneak off and filch some from the human distilleries down the mountain."

"Bah, that weak stuff? It's not the same!" Takakura complained. "We're doing an adult's duty now – shouldn't we have some of the benefits as well?"

"Then prove it to me the next time you meet me in the ring," Kirin retorted. "Until then, stick to plum juice and mochi cakes!" He continued up the hill to the launching point on the bluffs overlooking the river.

Miza intercepted him at the top of the hill and thrust a cloth-covered bundle into his hands. "Here," she said with a knowing glance, "take these steamed buns. Kami knows I can't stop you from drinking, Kirin-san, but at least I can make sure that you have something in your stomach first!"

Opening the bundle, Kirin sniffed appreciatively at the aroma of spiced meat wafting out. "You worry needlessly, Miza, but thank you."

"Don't let them make you drink too much," she warned him, "or I will be upset!" She let her hand linger on his arm for moment. "Promise me that, neh?"

Kirin growled softly at her but he was smiling faintly as he did so. He patted her hand and then sailed off, letting the wind take him farther down the mountain.

The hot springs were situated in a deep ravine, an ideal place to meet away from the tight-knit closeness of the group. A narrow waterfall ran in rivulets down a sheer wall and a massive grey granite slab formed a natural partition in the bathing pool. Goro and Makino were already there, lounging in the shallows with several stoneware jugs between them.

"There you are!" Makino called out as Kirin landed. "We were beginning to think you had forgotten us."

"Not at all," Kirin answered as he put his bundle down on a small boulder. "Miza sent some of her meat buns along." He laughed. "She seemed to think that we needed something to eat with our sake." He moved up into the trees to disrobe where the others had tossed their garments over a low branch.

"Ah, Kiyo made a similar comment when she caught us stringing up the wine jugs." Makino laughed. "Apparently we are just as bad as the Three when it comes to sneaking off and getting into trouble."

"The females are nearly in season," Goro observed as Kirin settled into the steaming water. "Did you see how they were watching the sparring match earlier?"

"Bah, Miza always watches like a hawk whenever I am working with the Three," Kirin said dismissively as Makino filled his sake cup. "She still thinks of them as hatchlings fresh out of the rookery."

"True, she flinches with every punch," Makino chuckled, "but I don't think her attention was entirely on them this time."

"What?" Kirin scowled at his drinking companions. "I think you are seeing things!"

"No, Makino-san is right," Goro agreed. "I know Miza's moods well. She has preening her feathers and being more attentive than usual. Besides, I caught her drinking some of O-tama's special spring tonic."

"Her too?" Makino's brow went up, making his head seem as though it was bristling with spikes like a hedgehog. "I tasted it in Kiyo's kisses earlier." He pursed his lips speculatively. "I wonder if Bana's taking it as well."

Kirin sipped his sake. "And the significance of this is?"

Makino topped off his cup. "O-tama makes a special tonic that the females take just before they start their breeding cycle. It makes them produce more than one egg."

"She only gives it to mature females though," Goro continued. "Young females aren't physically ready for multiple egg-laying. I was surprised to see Miza taking it – she is so slender that egg-laying has never been easy for her – but I suppose she has set her mind to it."

Frowning, Kirin stared at the whirling ripples on the water's surface. Miza had been quite demanding lately; the other females had been content with brief dalliances but he and Miza had continued to meet away from prying eyes. It wasn't love but a mutual addiction to the pleasure gained by their illicit affair. It worried him to think that Miza might be risking her health for the sake of regaining the hatchling that she lost.

"Kirin-san?" A broad hand waved in front of his eyes. "Makino, I think you gave him too much sake!"

"Nonsense," Kirin said as he shook off his momentary lapse, "there is no such thing as too much sake! Banzai!" He tossed down his cupful in one swallow and forced himself not to wince as the raw alcohol sizzled down his throat.

"In any case," Makino continued, "the breeding season will be here before we know it. The early harvest of vegetables is in and the mid-season crops have been sown. Sakura has offered to take charge of the kitchens and Karasu will tend the gardens."

"I was thinking of taking the Three on a fishing trip," Kirin said absently. "The Modori-Yamame fishing is supposed to be very good on the Agano River in early summer. I've always wanted to try my hand at that."

"You're not staying?" Goro drawled out uncertainly.

"Doryo's already made several pointed comments about having too many spectators around." Kirin snorted. "If the old fool wouldn't bellow like a bull in rut when he is with Bana, the Three would not be so curious!"

"You make a good point," Makino laughed as he re-filled their cups. "Doryo's problem is that he's no longer able to hear how loud he is so he never believes us when we tell him."

"Does Miza know that you'll be away?" Goro asked suddenly. "I know she wanted you here for the breeder's moon."

Both Kirin and Makino stared at Goro in stunned amazement. Everyone knew that the Tengu females had been trysting with the Ishimuran gargoyle but in typical Japanese fashion, it was never spoken of to preserve the unity of the clan. Bringing the subject out into the open caused an uncomfortable silence to settle over the three males.

Sloshing the contents of the wine jug, Makino announced, "I'm hungry. I'll go fetch the rolls now, shall I?" The spiked gargoyle splashed noisily to the bank without at a glance back at either of them.

"Goro-san," Kirin began in a low voice, "I have no intentions of interfering with –"

"It is only common sense!" Goro hissed urgently. "You would bring new blood into the clan! Miza and I have talked it over and we have agreed – I am willing to step aside. Doryo and Makino wish to keep to their mates but I'm sure if you preferred someone else--"

"No!" Kirin said. The word came out more loudly than he intended and he took a deep breath to settle his nerves. "Thank you for your generous offer, Goro-san, but I could not possibly accept."

"Bah! Do they not have open flights in Ishimura?"

Kirin blinked. "Well, yes, but later in the season when most of the mated couples have conceived. Then unattached males are allowed to mate with whatever breeding females are left."

"This is simpler then!" Goro glowered at him. "I do not understand the problem!"

"Let me think about it," Kirin said as he watched Makino stepping back into the water. "Miza has said nothing to me and it is her choice whether she wants an open flight or not. Let me speak to her first before I give you my answer."

"Very well," Goro conceded unhappily as he eased back against the boulder. "It has been some time since we spoke of it. Perhaps she has changed her mind."

"She would not be the first female to do so, neh?" As he had hoped, Kirin's joke made both of the other males laugh and they were able to move past to more congenial topics of conversation. He listened to his companions talked but his thoughts were troubled.

Miza's round golden eyes lit up with excitement before he finished speaking. "Oh, I cannot believe it! He really said that to you!" A ripple of pleasure ruffled her feathered crest as it often did when she was pleased.

"It was embarrassing!" Kirin looked around to see if anyone had heard her outburst. He had tracked Miza down to the storage caves behind the kitchen shack under the guise of returning the cloth that their dinner had been wrapped in. "It is one thing for everyone to know and quite another to talk about it in public!"

"I know, Kirin-san," she crooned soothingly. "It's just –" she paused to bit her lower lip "—I do not know how to tell you this."

He raised a cautious eyebrow. "What?"

Miza sighed and her crest drooped. "You know that Goro and I have had our differences, neh? That he was not as attracted to me as he once was?"

"Yes?"

"Well, after you and I began pillowing," she said using the polite Japanese euphemism for sex, "Goro became curious. He wondered why you pleased me so much and what it was that you did differently."

Kirin's lip curled in horrified realization. "He didn't –"

"The first time he watched us, it was an accident or so he says." Miza shrugged. "All I know was that the quality of his lovemaking began to get better." She laughed. "I think he must have learned by example."

"Iiiiiiye!" Kirin walked a few steps away, shaking his head. "Sweet Buddha! No wonder he's never been upset with us – we've been entertaining him, the ecchi bakayaro!"

"You misunderstand." He looked back at her. "Goro sometimes has trouble, you know, rising to the occasion." She made a rather impolite gesture and hid her hands behind her as if she were embarrassed.

"Really?"

"Oh, yes… that's one of the reasons that we seldom mated. O-tama gives him something that helps during the breeding season but he always hates taking it." She came up behind him and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "When he watches us, it excites him."

"You mean--?"

"Sometimes he finds me after we part and I get to be pleasured all over again." She gave a low chuckle. "First a famine and now a feast! Between the two of you, it's a wonder I am able to walk at all."

"How can you act so calm about this?" he demanded, pulling away from her. "Were you ever planning to tell me?" Anger fought with shameful embarrassment at the thought of Goro watching them, hidden from sight while Kirin and Miza coupled like rutting beasts. "Didn't you think I had a right to know?"

"I thought of telling you many times," Miza said meekly, "but I was enjoying it too much. Goro had always been too quick before but watching you taught him to slow down and give me pleasure. He's become a better lover because of you."

Kirin didn't know what to think. On one hand, he was happy for Miza because he knew how miserable she had been trapped in a loveless relationship; on the other, he was mortified to learn that Goro had been spying on them. He had always thought of sex as a deeply intimate act between two people. To think that Goro had been a hidden witness was more than Kirin could bear. Unable to speak, he stalked outside. There was a stack of uncut firewood and he began to split it with a short axe.

"You're angry." Out of the corner of his eye, Kirin watched as Miza collected a basket of peas and took a seat on a nearby bench. She began shelling the peas into a wooden bowl. "I can't blame you – I know I was upset when Goro first told me."

He tossed the split pieces of wood into a separate pile. "And yet it didn't upset you enough to tell me about it." Setting another piece of wood up, he cleaved it in two. "How long have you known?"

"Five years."

Kirin missed and wedged the axe into the chopping block. "Five years? Honestly, Miza – how could you keep that a secret? Knowing that he was spying on us?"

"Look at how you're overreacting!" Miza countered. "Goro's tolerated you all these years far better than you're tolerating him!"

Kirin knew she was right but he wasn't about to admit it. He tugged at the axe and pulled it free. "I don't like being used, Miza. Perhaps now that Goro's finally acting like a proper mate, we should end things between us." He sighed bitterly. "I've had my doubts about this for a long time. I like and respect Goro and it's not right that we keep doing this, whether he approves or not."

For several minutes, there was nothing but the soft trickle of peas falling into the bowl and the intermittent thump of the axe chopping wood. Finally, Miza broke the silence. "Did Goro say anything about the breeder's moon?"

"He said that you and he spoke of it." Kirin looked anywhere but at her. "He seems to think that it's important to bring new blood into the clan."

"It's the truth, is it not?" Miza countered. "You are of Ishimura; your clan was not poisoned by radiation as ours was when we were living near Nagasaki." She put her bowl aside and came up to him. "I know how much you regretted not seeing your first egg hatch, Kirin-san. Won't you share this one with me?"

Briefly, Kirin considered telling her the real reason why he was reluctant. Being with Miza had eased some of his longing for a mate, in spite of the fact that they had few mutual interests. She was an excellent cook and ruled the rookery with a firm but gentle hand but her world revolved around the Tengu. Any attempt to interest her in books or the outside world was met with polite resistance. The logical part of him knew that he should back out gracefully; the dreamer in him had been daydreaming of being mated again.

"Kirin-san?" Miza pulled him into the shadows of the kitchen shack. She rubbed her feathered brow against his chest like a preening cat. "Just one night? Goro will not begrudge you that and I will be content." Her hands reached low, raking up his muscular thighs and up under edge of his tunic. "Please, Kirin-san? I would so love to have an egg of yours."

"Miza." Stepping out of reach, Kirin took a deep breath. "I will tell you what I told Goro – I will think about it." Before she could try more persuasive measures, he quickly left her behind and went away to try and clear his head.

As it so often happened when his thoughts were heavy, his footsteps took him up the cedar-lined slope to O-tama's small hut. The silver-haired gargoyle with the bent wing was sitting in the center of her wide porch, surrounded by several small pottery saucers and a shallow bamboo tray. Her hands darted from the tray to the saucers in an intricate dance that formed patterns in the air. She spared him a brief glance at his approach.

"Good evening, Kirin-san," O-tama said pleasantly. "Are the sake jugs dry already?"

"We were only sampling Makino's latest batch," Kirin answered as he sat down on the edge of the porch, "not wallowing in it."

"You drink more than is good for you." She clucked her tongue at him. "Mark my words, you will regret it later."

"This evening I had more reason to do so." Kirin sighed deeply. "Miza wants me to breed with her and Goro all but gave his blessing to it."

"What would you like to do?"

"I do not know." He watched her dancing hands for a moment. "O-tama, what do I tell her?" Kirin asked in a low voice. "Miza is being very insistent!"

The Tengu healer kept her eyes on the tray of dried seeds that she was deftly sorting. "What does Miza want, Kirin-san?"

"You know…" he dropped down to his haunches besides her, "she mentioned it once before after that first time in the bath house. She thinks breeding with me would benefit the clan, because I'm an outsider." He tactfully decided not to mention the rest of their conversation.

"Did you tell her why you do not want to?"

"I couldn't," he sighed bitterly. "All I could think of saying was that it wouldn't be fair to Goro. Miza's been so good to me, O-tama. I am honor bound to repay her for her kindness – bushido says so -- but you and I both know why I cannot."

"Actually," O-tama said slowly as her hands continued her work, "I've been giving your problem some thought."

"Neh"

"I give some of the older males a tonic that is good for revitalizing their energy." She paused to give him a shrewd look. "Rumor has it that you do not need that, of course, but the herbs in it will also increase fertility. The healer before me taught me their secrets and I've used them successfully on other gargoyles."

Kirin chewed on the end of one of his barbels. "The human doctors seemed very certain," he said reluctantly. "Are you sure?"

"Part of being a healer is being able to take a patient's symptoms and to treat it based on experience and knowledge." O-tama set her work aside and dusted off her hands. "This means great hardship on your part."

"Neh"

She smiled slyly. "No more sake and you take the tonic that I make for you three times a night until the breeder's moon."

"Which will no doubt taste absolutely vile," Kirin concluded wryly. "Your cures are a double-edged blessing."

"As it should be," O-tama replied glibly, "or else no one would ever want to get well."

With many doubts and misgivings, I agreed to spend one night of the breeding season with Miza. I owed her that much and the code of bushido demanded nothing less. Both Miza and Goro thanked me profusely. They seemed to have overcome whatever differences that they'd had and even though I would miss pillowing, I was pleased that Miza and Goro were happy with each other.

I forced myself to gulp down the strong ginseng infusion that O-tama made for me and I counted the days when I could drink sake again and wash the horrible taste from my mouth. Mozu would sniff and make the most incredulous faces; I suspect that O-tama invented a whole new flavor just to torment me. He alone of the Three might have guessed what was going on but he had learned a healer's discretion and said nothing; shortly afterwards, Takakura proposed that he and his brothers fly up to the Agano River on their own to set up camp. Takamatsu overruled any objections by setting the occasion as one of their adulthood ordeals. I supplied my students with maps and last minute advice and they were gone long before the Breeder's Moon rose above the RokkoMountains

My stomach was in knots as I dressed in the cotton yukata that Miza had made for me. I had gone into seclusion at a shrine farther up the mountains a few nights earlier to meditate and prepare myself. I felt as nervous as I did on the eve of my first breeding season so many years ago. There was no reason too – Miza and I were too well-acquainted with each other to be shy – but I could not help it. A part of me hoped beyond hope that O-tama's potion would do what the human doctors could not and grant my heart's desire – a child of my own.

I approached Miza's hut from the high trail. Hanging oil lamps cast a welcoming glow through washi paper panels and the warm aroma of soup broth hastened my steps. Miza was kneeling by a ceramic hot pot when I entered, with plate of finely sliced meat and vegetables ready to dip into the hot soup and bowls of hot steamed rice to eat it with. Before either of us could say a word, the growl of my empty stomach echoed around the room. It was just the tension breaker that we needed as Miza scolded me soundly for not taking better care of myself. The food led to conversation which led to flirtation which led to the over-stuffed futon in the corner of the room.

Shadows danced on the rice paper walls as we coupled but I paid them no heed. I was too caught up in the moment, too overpowered by my own senses to notice one large shadow detach itself from the others and drift across the room. By the time, I realized what was happening, it was too late to turn back.

O-tama found him in the schoolroom, loose robe clutched around him for decency as he sank deeper into his sake cups. Kirin scowled blearily at the silver-haired Tengu healer with her owl-like face. "No," he said firmly. "I don't want relief. No more." He tossed down another mouthful and let the potent rice wine burn down his throat. "I've had it with you females using me."

"Then I will pour," O-tama said contritely, "because you are wasting good sake by slopping it all over the floor." She took the bottle out of his hand and tutted at it. "Lucky for you, I've brought another bottle."

"Did you know?"

"That Goro likes males as well as females, neh?" She sighed. "I told Miza that you were not of that nature but she was afraid if you knew, it would affect your performance."

"Someone should have said something," Kirin said reproachfully. "All I was told was that watching helped to arouse him." He accepted the cup O-tama offered him. "I wasn't comfortable about it but it was for a good cause." His eyes watered. "I was helping to make a new life. In some small way, it would have been my child too."

"Did he do something that disturbed you?"

Kirin took a deep shaky breath. "What he did wasn't totally unpleasant but it startled me. I did not expect him to join us, much less—" He shuddered and tossed back his sake in one swallow. "Why did I not see it sooner?"

"Goro has always kept his feelings to himself." O-tama quietly refilled his cup. "He once told me that he admired you. I did not realize what he truly meant."

"Two of my rookery brothers prefer males but even in my youth when we were all exploring our sexuality, I always preferred females." He couldn't look at her. "When Goro touched me, I -- I was so shocked! Had I not been in control of my emotions – I could have easily killed him!"

"But you did not."

"Miza was very clever and got between us before I did something regrettable." He held out his cup for more. "They are mates. They understand each other."

"It is the way of mates."

"I had a mate once."

"Oh?" O-tama raised both brow ridges. "I had wondered."

"I loved being mated." His lip twisted. "I was looking forward to being a father. We tried but by mid-season, the healers encouraged us to seek other partners, for the good of the clan. She conceived with the first male she tried but none of my lovers ever quickened. After my condition was diagnosed, my mate demanded that we sever our mating bond." His voice shook. "It was the full ritual in front of the whole clan. I was so ashamed." A tear ran down his face and dripped off the end of one of his fish-like barbels. "Almost as much as I am now."

Silently, O-tama took him into her arms. Kirin began to sob like a little child as she rocked him. It would have been an incongruous sight to anyone passing the schoolroom – the aged female with her withered wing and the fierce antlered male who resembled a dragon more than a gargoyle. As a rule, Kirin kept a very tight rein on his feelings. The code of bushido demanded nothing less but once the dam had been broken, all his deep-hidden pain poured forth in a flood of emotion.

"It's not fair! I have no mate! I have no child! I have nothing!" A deep lassitude began to fall over him and he began to suspect that O-tama had doctored the wine. "Is this to be my fate? To be used and tossed aside like garbage?"

"I'm sure Miza and Goro didn't mean –"

Kirin thumped his chest. "It's so empty in here! I miss loving – I miss it SO much! I don't want to be alone – but I can't keep doing this, this uninvolved, heartless mating." He felt faint and laid his head in her lap. "All I want is someone to care for me – a female to be mine." His eyes wanted to close and he fought the urge to sleep. "I wouldn't care about anything else, so long as she loved me."

"There, there," the Tengu healer said soothingly. "Life is sometimes most unfair. You have a great heart, Kirin, and that is why you hurt so deeply."

"Tired of it," he said, his speech slurring. "So lonely."

"I know, hush." She began to stroke his antlered brow ridges as if she were calming a small hatchling, not a grown male twice her size. "Kami knows why you are destined to suffer this way, but know this, Kirin: for every bad thing that happens, it must be balanced by something good."

He mumbled a reply, but the words were too distorted to be understood. O-tama merely nodded. "Rest easy," she whispered, "I will not leave you this night. You are not alone. Ssssh."

Kirin slept, and for once, did not dream.

I dimly remember pouring my heart out to O-tama – I tend to be over-talkative and maudlin when inebriated. I left the next night to join the Three at the AganoRiver and we stayed there for the duration of the breeding season. The young ones flew back to the Tengu village but I stayed away until the first snows. Too much had happened and I could not face my adopted clan just yet. Instead I went on a tour of the temples that were scattered all over the Nara prefecture. My heart was weary with wanting and I found solace in solitude.

If I am destined to be alone, then it is best that I grow accustomed to it and accept my fate. It is clear to me now that there is no one for me and it is folly to wish otherwise.

To be continued in Part V of "Ronin" …..