Allow me to introduce myself...

'There's no such thing as the Devil. Only God when He's drunk.' Tom Waits

'I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.' Victor - The Rules of Attraction

I am sat in the Executives bar. I am sat with Noonan, Price and, for some inexplicable reason, David 'Spanners' Lister. He's a friend of Price's. He's black. I take a drag on my cigarette and wonder how he got in here. A faint R'n'B track can be heard floating over us. David nods his head in appreciation to the music as he eats his pork scratchings. They like this kind of music, don't they?

"Goofy is based on a black man." I say

"What, Rimmer?" Noonan says

"Goofy." I repeat, "The Disney character. He's a gross representation of black men. Slow witted, dumb."

"Oh aye!" Lister replies, "I heard that. Disney was a racist bigot, yeah? I think I read it the Times or something."

Fuck.

"I'm sorry, David." I faux-apologise, "I completely forgot you were there. I hope I haven't offended you."

I offer him a cigarette which he accepts and lights.

"No, no. I'm good. Besides, it's more or less a true story anyway."

"Maarvellous." I reply.

I want to vomit all over him. I've seen him walking round with his wife, Kochanski. How does that happen? Kochanski is an amazing women and yet, she's bouncing on the cock of that rat tailed bastard. Calm, Judas, calm. I make a mental note to take some tablets when I get back to my dorm. That's if I can do so without my hippy room mate telling me that I shouldn't be dependent on everything the doctor gives me. One of these days...

I reaches a point where I feel that if I hear anymore crunching of dried pig skin coming from Lister's mouth, I will burst both his eyeballs with the flame from my cigarette lighter.

As I reach for my lighter, I am aware that there are some people behind me.

"Can we help you?" Lister beams.

"A rattle of collection tins make my head turn. Behind me stand two women. Somewhere between 25 - 30. One, a five foot red head. She wears denim trousers, a low cut pink top and a crucifix that dangles, almost erotically, between her ample bosom. Next to her stands a less beautiful, but still attractive woman. Somewhat mousy. Nothing a couple of $£100 couldn't sort out. They both carry red collection tins.

"Hi, I'm Judith." says the red head with a slight Ionian accent, "We're collecting on behalf of the Catholic parish."

The woman beside Judith releases a tiny cough. Deliberate? I don't know.

"Oh, and guys this is Kerry Shayne."

"Alright." Shayne mumbles.

"So, come on then, "Judith laughs, "Who's got a couple of $£'s to spare?"

We all dig in and throw at least $£50, each, into the tins. All of us except David. He sheepishly pulls out various bits of paper and string out of his pockets. After a painfully long time, he looks up at Price.

"Um..." he starts

"Oh, for Christ's sake!"

Both Judith and Kerry seem somewhat offended by Price's blasphemy. I decide to settle everything. I pull out another $£70 and place on my best smile. I slip the notes into the tin.

"Wow!" exclaims Judith, "Thank you, Mr..."

"Rimmer, but you can call me Judas."

"Judas?" Judith queries,

"My parents were Seventh Day advent Hoppists." I shrug.

"Ooo, I'm sorry... Anything, I can do?" she jokes.

"You could accompany me out tomorrow."

"Um, well..."

Judith looks at Kerry and then back at me. I've unnerved her. Shocked her. It's nice to surprise people. Judith looks at Kerry again. Kerry shakes her heads. Did she know something? Surely not? Finally, Judith answers.

"Um, okay." she smiles.

"8 o'clock?"

"Fine. Meet here?"

"Great."

We exchange a couple of smiles and her and Kerry leave.

"Well done, Judas" Noonan says, slapping my back.

Yes! Well done me! Judith seems very good natured. I don't think I've ever corrupted someone as innocent as that. What's that phrase? Go to bed with a whore. Wake up with a virgin. I wonder if you can do it the other way round.

Judith. Good and pure. I was good and pure once. A long time ago... Mr Schmidt.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Still, life goes on.